Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

I thought I would share that the AGP is still raging but under the surface, so things are bearable at the moment. Will see what 2018 brings. Good luck to all the trans widows here.
Also, I watched Transformation Street with my partner and had come to a bit of an epiphany, which I posted on the Transformation Street thread, if anyone was interested.

EHW Bad & Mad Rantings on Transformation St

I thought your comments on that thread were very interesting concerning the 'why?' question and the idea of the other persona being a safety blanket. I'd write more but I'm on my phone and I hate posting on it. I do hope 2018 is a much kinder year for you and all the trans widows on this thread.

I remember reading ages ago about fetishism and how they tend to be rooted in infancy and associated with attachment to and separation from the mother - eg - foot fetish from being placed at mum's feet, long hair from twirling around mothers hair, bangles if mum wore them, etc. And aren't security blankets a representation of mothers? I've seen an adult woman sucking her thumb and rubbing her cheek with a security blanket - looking astonishingly like a baby at the breast in behaviour, admitting it is a 'bad habit' she can't shake.

I know Freud was a dick about woman-blaming and CSA - but maybe he was onto something about the importance of mothers in psychosexual development?

My spouse once told me that when he was five or six years old, he wet himself at daycare and the daycare lady had no spare clothes for him. So she dressed him in her daughter's clothes for the rest of the day. Girly tights etc. He was so so ashamed but it was also exciting because he had a crush on the daughter.

And when I asked him "so is this why...?" he was furious. NO. This has NOTHING to do with him being trans. He's trans because "he's a woman inside", has a female brain, was born in the wrong body and so on.

thesame that is so interesting. The fact that he could remember it so clearly - it had the humiliation of wetting himself and being dressed in girls clothes along with an erotic component. That would leave such a deep impression on him. I wonder if his sex fantasies return frequently to themes about that significant day?

And the complete denial that there is a correlation between that experience and his compulsions - it reminds me of people who seek out situations very similar to sexual abuse they were victims of (eg Grace Kwek who vehemently denied there was a correlation between her conceiving and centring herself the first 'gang bang' porn, and the time she had previously been gang raped in an underpass in Shepherd's Bush- she was really keen on saying the attack had nothing to do with it, this is me, this is what I like, etc).

@TinselAngel I am still slowly reading through the thread. This doesn't affect me directly at all. But I am so saddened by posts from @birdbandit @TinselAngel and others that I wonder if there was a defining moment Tinsel when you knew you could or would get out?

If you have covered this, please excuse me.

Thanks

I'm not sure if this has been posted by it is really worth a listen, It;s heartbreaking and shocking.

Feel so sorry for this woman.
Actually feel sorry for him too, it's no life. Such a waste

You can also download to mobiles via postcast sites by subscribing to Feminist Current

www.feministcurrent.com/2018/01/12/podcast-happens-husband-decides-hes-woman/

I know Freud was a dick about woman-blaming and CSA - but maybe he was onto something about the importance of mothers in psychosexual development?

He really was. I find this argument by a psychotherapist, on the psychosexual roots of misogyny, very persuasive (and depressing):

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/boys-will-be-misogynists-mens-hatred-of-women-begins-in-infancy-psychotherapist-adam-jukes-tells-1483437.html

@Italiangreyhound I waited until my ex had got the go ahead from the GIC for treatment. Until then I thought there might be a third way that we could find. I think I was kidding myself with hindsight and probably should have gone much earlier, but I wanted to wait until I knew there was definitely no way back.

I was in quite a state by then. But I put the house on the market and applied for a council flat. I was spectacularly lucky to get one (Although I was over due some luck). Then I moved DD and I out and left him to sell the house.

I filed for divorce straight away.

I had the support of brilliant friends telling me I was going to be OK (just like you will be!), and my parents loaned me some money for carpets, white goods etc until the proceeds of the house came through.

Staying in the marital home wasn't what I wanted. I needed a new start. Plus he'd got us into so much debt it needed to be sold anyway. Now I've got a lovely flat (Although I don't own it) a great boyfriend (who I don't live with!) and DD is OK. I don't know how she'll be in the future but she's done really well so far.

@thesamesamestory @imablackstarnotapopstar
@abbey44

I am not personally affected by a this but wanted to say how brave, strong and amazing you for all you have been through.

I am so very sorry to hear your struggles, and all others on this thread.

Tinsel "I did, and do feel ashamed. I think people must think I was an idiot for ever marrying him."

You have no reason ever to feel ashamed for a choice you made in good faith to marry the man you cared for.


@Italiangreyhound sorry I thought you were the person I'd invited over from the other thread! (I hope she turns up).

@Italiangreyhound sorry I thought you were the person I'd invited over from the other thread! (I hope she turns up).

@TinselAngel I am so pleased you are free of him. It must have been so hard.

This doesn't affect me personally but I feel a huge empathy for women who are trapped with bad men. Despite being very fortunate with men I'm a but of a man-hater at times and all this convinces me further of how difficult some men make life for some women.

For me being a bit of a man hater actually means I am just cautious around men. I'm not nasty to them!

I also do feel a lot of misogyny (where men hate women and are hurtful/abusive etc to them) comes from childhood. Not that their mothers fail men necessarily (some do) but that when life/circumstances/poverty/rejection etc fail them they blame mum!

If dad leaves and you are dead poor or you are rich but no one takes enough notice of you or whatever, I wonder how many people blame their mothers?

And I wonder what that blame looks like in girls, and what it looks lkke on boys?

@TinselAngel it's OK I just don't want to here under false pretenses.

I feel a great deal of empathy/sympathy for any women being treated so badly.

I am not sure why women need to make such efforts to try to make it work. I think for most it is because of a need to protect the children. Trying to do it in any way they can.

A friend of mine escaped an abusive marriage only to go back. She thinks he has changed.

@DonkeySkin very interesting article.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/boys-will-be-misogynists-mens-hatred-of-women-begins-in-infancy-psychotherapist-adam-jukes-tells-1483437.html

But I think he misses the point somewhat, if men hate women because of their mothers, why don't women hate women because of their mothers?

"He argues that the feminist analysis of a male-orchestrated culture serving up endless demeaning and damaging images of women, and allowing boys to believe from a very young age that they are entitled to have power over the opposite sex, is right, but that it does not go far enough."

I would argue the feminist analysis of a male-orchestrated culture recognizes endless demeaning and damaging images of women etc etc.

Just checking in to say it isn't going well. There is a massive disparity between his words and actions. At this rate the whole process is going to be public and bloody (expensive).

Ho the hum. It is good to read that some of you are on the other side and doing well.

Wouldn't everything be so much easier if I were daft enough to just believe what he says, rather than what he does! Wouldn't be in this mess. He is expecting a lot of secrecy and goodwill from me, on the basis of his word that he will "do the right thing." Grim.

Birdbandit, "do the right thing." what does that mean?

Financially in the event of a divorce. Which is why I shouldn't post! Just checking in.

"Which is why I shouldn't post!" Of course you should post. I just did not understand.

I hope you have some support.

Sex isn't an issue, for me I think my vag dried up mid coitus a couple of years ago, and tried to escape via my ear to block out his sexy chat.

Can't help but give a wry smile when you wrote that Birdbandit

I'm new to this particular thread but peak transed some time ago with the help of the wonderful, eloquent and patient posters on this thread. Reading this only peaks me even further. I smile at the above sentence because, despite there being nothing amusing about your plight, you write with such dignity and honestly and, again despite the pain, humour. I am SO willing you out of this existence. This is no way to live.

Everyone needs to read about this. I'm rooting for you.

@Birdbandit I seem to have missed a stage here! So are you definitely splitting up?

Sorry yes, he's moving out. I thought I had PMd all the Widows. It all went proper crackers before Christmas with his threatening suicide, or rather that I was forcing him to consider killing himself because I wouldn't agree with him. Obviously he wasn't going to and didn't do anything. It was just an attempt to control the situation.

He received emergency treatment based upon his threats, and is now dealing with the gender and personality issues, and moving out.
I am a SAHM, so a bit fucked financially (he owns a business, so just the usual crap). Plan is to keep my head down, not post because its a further worry for me, how he might react if he knows I talk to strangers online about all this.

See you on the other side!

bird

We're here if you need us.

You could name change?

Bird

@birdbandit You will be OK. Get legal advice and advice about benefits and we're here when you need us.