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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Trans Widows escape committee

972 replies

TinselAngel · 01/12/2017 15:55

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

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birdbandit · 03/02/2018 21:43

Scotland so it is 50/50. There is absolutely no way of fighting that, and tbh I believe the children to be safe. He does care for them, and perhaps being dually responsible for them will be the reality check he needs.

I wouldn't be able to do anything different.

I would rather they grow and see for themselves what he is really like, whilst I continue (to try!) and be the steady hand. Otherwise he would become this mythical creature in their imagination, whilst I am the one telling them to do their homework.

It's early days mind, so we will see how it develops.

Italiangreyhound · 03/02/2018 21:45

@EmilyHowardsWife can I ask if you live in the UK and if you are living in your native country? If you wished to leave with the kids, could you?

TinselAngel · 03/02/2018 21:55

A lot of men end up reducing the amount of contact once they realise the reality of it, IME. My ex started with 3 weekends out of 4 and it wasn't long before he reduced it to 2.

Have you had professional legal advice Bird ?

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birdbandit · 03/02/2018 22:00

Oh I'm all about the legals, our situ is complicated because again Scotland, and he has his own business and blah. It is a proper messy one. It's early days and I am certain that once the pink fog is in, all bets are off. I will hope for the best but prepping hard for a fight.

TinselAngel · 03/02/2018 22:06

Try to do something nice and relaxing with your free time. Don't just pace around, missing the kids.

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birdbandit · 04/02/2018 09:15

I will be working my socks off when the kids aren't here, lawyers are expensive but piece of mind is priceless. Thank you X

TinselAngel · 04/02/2018 19:35

Yes it's amazing when you realise your peace of mind is no longer dependent on somebody else's whims.

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hipsterfun · 04/02/2018 21:23

I would rather they grow and see for themselves what he is really like

On some level, they probably already do, certainly the older one.

Keep being the steady hand Flowers

birdbandit · 05/02/2018 19:09

I am so stressed with my personal situ, but it is so heartening to see all the Andi Dier/Rose stuff, and to see the huge numbers of folk having their eyes opened to the AGP/fetish/sissy/grim that is hiding behind the skirts of transsexuals.

I am really, really hopeful that in time I will be wholly believed.

To any trans widows lurking, DOCUMENT. Without someone screen grabbing the internet history of Andi, Rose would be undefended.

hipsterfun · 05/02/2018 22:16

Do you mean society in general having a better understanding of the realities and believing you, bird, or people in your day-to-day life?

For what it’s worth, a friend of a friend had (what I now properly understand as) an AGP partner. If you’d have asked me a year or two ago about this stuff I’d have been Hmm because, honestly, it’s hard to imagine a person being so driven and ultimately overtaken by ‘identity’ issues, at the expense of their families. But I’ve had my eyes opened and I believe what you say.

birdbandit · 06/02/2018 09:30

Both, although I don't intend to broadcast to the world!

It is VERY difficult for my friends, I get it. Thank goodness for MN etc, where there are a growing number of people who understand, and support my not being cool with accommodating his AGP, rather than calling me a bigot.

birdbandit · 06/02/2018 09:32

This problem isn't just with this situation though, women in all sorts of abusive relationships, or relationships where there is intolerable behaviour, are routinely disbelieved, or told to shut up and put up.

hipsterfun · 06/02/2018 13:55

Certainly, yet some progress has been made on that front, generally. But here we are, not seeing the thing for what it is, because it’s quite literally dressed in different clothes.

Italiangreyhound · 06/02/2018 22:11

Just saw this on another Mumsnet thread. I think it is very good, is it accurate?

He Tells Her

He tells her he's a woman too

He has a lady brain

He tells her his identity

and hers, they are the same

He tells her not to talk about

her body, it's not fair

her body is her privilege

his own, a cross to bear

He tells her that she cannot talk

or otherwise allude

to what her female body does

its nasty to exclude

He says respect diversity

except he would prefer

that she would not point out the ways

that he's diverse from her

He tells her that biology

does not impact her life

she should still bear his children

but she should call him 'wife'

He says that words must all evolve

she must learn to make do

And now that woman is his word

he's taking female too

He tells her that a woman is whatever he decides

He will not put it into words

she must not ask, he chides

He tells her he is more oppressed

than she has ever been

He says she must agree with him

or else she's being mean

She searches for the words she needs

to talk about herself

The billions who exist like her

Their lives, their rights, their health

Whatever word she chooses now

He finds a way to spin it

The conversation carries on

But she's no longer in it

R.Irischild

birdbandit · 07/02/2018 07:41

He tells her that she has to change her sexuality, because he has redefined his own.

He will be forced to kill himself if she isn't delighted by this, she's a bigot to ask questions.

And although it makes him sad to break up the family, to have lied to her, that's all small fry in comparison to the hurt he feels in not having the freedom to achieve orgasm in the way he wants.

He's all about truth now, and living authenticity, except she's not allowed to contradict his story.

birdbandit · 07/02/2018 09:02

(I hope it's obvious I wasn't attempting any form of poetry there, that's REALLY not a skill set of mine) just adding my experience.)

TartanHare · 07/02/2018 23:02

He tells her he will be a far better woman than she is as he wont have her "hormonal issues"

Her few close friends she confides in think she should stay and support him as he's really brave (but admit they wouldn't).

He spends the savings on hair products and clothes. He stops working as its too stressful. The bills don't get paid.

He stalks her on social media and will likely screenshot this later because telling 'lies' about him is something else to berate her with. She realises there is no 'real life' help out there and even anonymous support is out of bounds.

She takes pills in desperation while he pretends not to care, she realises this was a mistake and puts her fingers down her throat, he calls her a "fucking drama queen"

TartanHare · 07/02/2018 23:08

He slams doors and screams and shouts while she hides in the bedroom crying, but she isn't allowed to complain as she wanted a man and "this is what men are, testosterone fuelled and violent"

TinselAngel · 07/02/2018 23:20

There is help here Tartan x

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TinselAngel · 07/02/2018 23:38

Obviously you need to stay safe Tartan but if you do feel you can post here it would be great to hear your story.

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birdbandit · 08/02/2018 09:18

Oh my Tartan, please come back and let us know if we can help.

MadamMinacious · 08/02/2018 09:32

I'm just posting here to offer support to you all. I peaked on all this a long time ago but reading this thread added a whole emotional aspect to it. I really felt for all of you who are at the sharp end of all of this and often forgotten. I don't know how useful it is to come on to your thread and occasionally offer a word of support but I want you to know that I think about the wives and families so much more now. It is shocking to know that pursuit of a sexual thrill is more important than families and their identity is more important than yours and your sexuality. YOU are the brave ones and I'm sorry that more people in your real lives can't see through all of this to that truth.

I am in Scotland too and if I can ever offer practical help please let me know.

MadamMinacious · 08/02/2018 09:36

Tartan I hope you are ok.

Fluffymcflufftown · 08/02/2018 09:41

Just read this thread and wanted to send some huge love to you all. I'm not directly affected by any of this but bloody hell you ladies are tough as nails. Lots of love and solidarity to you all Flowers

TheShaniaTwainExperience · 08/02/2018 09:53

Oh my goodness. I’ve just read this entire thread and I am so so sorry. I can’t even imagine what this feels like.

I am known and vocal under another pseudonym on twitter, and under my real name on fb about TRAs and stuff.

If any women need practice help, anything I can possibly do, please message me. This thread is just urgh. I’m so sorry.

Flowers
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