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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

Trans Widows escape committee

972 replies

TinselAngel · 01/12/2017 15:55

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

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Datun · 06/12/2017 15:42


Your posts are always so articulate and rational. Your clarity is crystal clear.

I would be willing to bet that any analysis you make of your family dynamic is spot-on.

From the outside looking in, your mothers determination to highlight the fact that you and your brother were both gender nonconforming, makes it unsurprising that you struggled to relate to society’s insistence on its fucked up version of ‘femininity’.

ohfortuna · 06/12/2017 17:18

Alwaysinmyheart thanks, I found that a very interesting and insightful read.
In some ways this bit seems to epitomize the 'have your cake and it it' theme:

For all his faux “girly-ness”, the feminine side never extended to practical, everyday stuff that most adults have to do to get by – like helping with housework. He literally told me “I can’t do housework because I might break a nail – my long nails are important to me

GuardianLions · 06/12/2017 17:43

That blog post has just joined a few dots for me ... this bit:

Using his smartphone, he created an online world for himself by inventing a fictitious life. I discovered that he had a secret Facebook profile, and scores of photographs of himself in varying degrees of undress– I am convinced that trannies invented that selfie – and that he had a coterie of dozens and dozens of young women between the ages of 17 and 24 who believed that he was a full-time transsexual, single, and struggling with finding a job in this cruel discriminatory society. He had a fictitious home life, fictitious job or non-job, a fictitious social life and fictitious friends. He even fabricated a “trans bashing” – this, I found particularly repulsive.

I am so aware of the bullshit factory of these misogynists TRAs, MRAs and abusive perverts like this woman's husband. There is so much pretence on social media - and I can feel it in the water. I wonder how many of these 'teenage girls' on twitter are actually middle-aged, hairy bollocked blokes? "so brave hun", "you go girl"... wank wank wank, jiz

ohfortuna · 06/12/2017 17:53

and this part
He would be beside himself with excitement at going out “en-femme”. I could see his hard on starting from the moment he got out of his leisurely bubble bath (my bath’s were always rushed and fitted in around his dressing schedule). Getting ready was a ritual that took at least two hours. Of course, I was expected to “help
highlights the way that his being trans served as a means to endlessly indulge and gratify his sexual obsessions.
Because the mainstream view allows him to characterize this as his brave struggle against oppression he is able to make everything all about him, sex isnt about mutual pleasure it's about manipulating everything and every one to get yourself off as much as you can

Datun · 06/12/2017 17:59

I know men are supposed to think about sex every, what, 10 minutes?

But seriously, these autogynephiles seem to think about it permanently. Every single second.

It seems to be the only thing they live for. Exhausting.

RedToothBrush · 06/12/2017 18:30

My brother had problems with reality to the point that his online habit had a serious impact at some considerable financial cost to my parents. He lived in a fantasy land more than reality. In his case I don't think it was primarily about porn but was definitely about social interaction. I don't know the ins and outs of it. I do know that he was sitting up literally all night on the internet and he was very secretive about it. It was not what you would call 'normal' and I say this as someone who met a lot of strangers through online forums in real life.

I don't know that it is necessarily people hiding behind every corner. I do think there is something about struggling with reality and actively trying to find something that fits that void.

Ereshkigal · 06/12/2017 18:57

I guess as it's a sexual fetish and they are presenting as a woman in day to day life, maybe they are constantly turning themselves on seeing themselves as a woman etc. Every article I've ever read by an autogynephile or a suspected one uses sexualised language to discuss their bodies in a way that women very rarely do.

TinselAngel · 06/12/2017 19:03

My ex doesn't seem to have had the same level of sexual motivation as all these other stories.

He had a much lower sex drive than most men. Now he's "pansexual" apparently and is in a relationship with another post operative trans woman.

They got together before they both had surgery (actually I suspect while we were still together), so goodness knows how that works now.

Mind you, he had a hair brained scheme to get us out of debt by offering a web cam service shortly before we split up, so who knows?

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RedToothBrush · 06/12/2017 19:08

I should say that depending on your personality, it depends on where, what and why you search the internet. Rather than there being someone lurking in every forum, it tends to be more self selective, with people congregating in echo chambers of the like minded. This distorts what is 'normal' or healthy in certain cases.

It also means that vulnerable people are more likely to be influenced by others with a certain interest.

Online communities also often have a certain competitiveness. In people uncertain of their identity and insecure, being held in high regard for doing X or y, or expressing a particular view, also distorts things to extremes.

If your grip on reality is tenuous then this wouldn't help. The importance of reality ceases, because validation comes from online.

If men are conditioned to be naturally competitive this would also make them more susceptible to online extreme content and communities of all different kinds.

Equally women who do not have the luxury of time to indulge in the same thing, due to the pressures and responsibilities of real life, they too would be less likely to be instigaters or lead such communities. It makes them less able to fight online distortion, especially if they also face more abuse when they do so.

MadamMinacious · 07/12/2017 08:55

I just want to tell the women in this thread that I support them and I'm glad this thread is here. I hope you use it for catharsis at the very least. I cannot believe what these men have put you through. Honestly I have felt so sad and even shed a year or two reading this thread and thinking of you. The fact that you are anxious not to be caught for seeking support, it's awful. Please know you have the support of many women on this board. Try to be strong and do the best thing for you and your families. We're here for you.

imablackstarnotapopstar · 07/12/2017 16:41

Hi all!

I'm a trans widow of a male to female trans who shagged other women and blamed me for it during our marriage, repeatedly discarded me and hoovered me back in and subjected me to years of narcissistic abuse.

I finally got rid of him once and for all and he moved away with no notice. Our 7 year old daughter saw him every other weekend for a while but came home one Sunday evening absolutely devastated that "Daddy wore a dress, high heels and make up and took me out with other men dressed like ladies". He told me that he "had failed as a man and thought he'd have a go at being a woman" and "he knows what it's like to have sex as a woman because he's able to float out of his body into a woman's body when she's having sex".

Our daughter has refused to see him ever since that weekend, has had months of family support and now we are being taken to court to force her to see him.

He has reported me to the police for "transgender hate crime" 6 times even though I never contact him for fear of comeback.

He has said that the court officials, my solicitor, the Cafcass Officer, children's services and family support are all transphobic and Court was basically his moment to complain about his plight as a victim. He never mentioned our daughter once.

He never cross dressed to my knowledge or felt uncomfortable in his body. He just wants "special treatment" and sod anyone else.

imablackstarnotapopstar · 07/12/2017 16:54

And snap - high earning IT guy - comedy breasts - fake hairy vagina - accent has changed from West Midlands to Queen Victoria for some reason.

imablackstarnotapopstar · 07/12/2017 16:57

And fuck yeah! MIL obsessed with her daughter aged 45 who she speaks to every day on the phone, disappointed in her son who's role was simply to make them proud.

Ereshkigal · 07/12/2017 17:37

Thanksto you all.

whazzy · 07/12/2017 17:47

notapopstar how awful - I hope you have a good solicitor and I hope your daughter can have some say over seeing her father ThanksThanksThanks

Farinthepast · 07/12/2017 18:40

For those of you who are trans widows, how open are you about this going on in your lives? When it happened to me, this was so far from mainstream that I felt I couldn't talk about it and only confided in a few people. Subsequently, I've told another handful.

I didn't talk because I felt so humiliated (yes, it was his secret but I was married to this man and how could I not have known?) and, reading some of your accounts and the links, I wonder how common it is to still hold this secret so many years after the events.

Stopmakingsense · 07/12/2017 18:44

This blog post - just published - includes a detailed description of autogynaephillia - and points out that it is distinct from other kinds of gender dysphoria:

RandomMess · 07/12/2017 19:11

I'll be honest I've read that article and I'm just depressed! So for the number of children that have dysmorphia for whom transitioning is probably "right" for them, we have a group of men having their sexual fantasies being given sir time and rights, and a group of women believing a sex change will make them happy...

I kind of knew that but reading the relevant research just makes you realise the damage the propaganda is doing Sad

DJBaggySmalls · 07/12/2017 19:17

Theres no way I'd tell the kids. No one else who knows him would believe me. He's very into body sculpting, weight training and has found religion. In every day life, he now looks hyper masculine.

The only thing is as time has moved on, its become clear his relationships with women don't last. But people think he's a player who hasn't found the right woman yet.

Farinthepast · 07/12/2017 19:38

That's interesting DJ, mine was a power lifter. You wonder how many more women's lives will be affected as a result.

TinselAngel · 07/12/2017 20:16

Are there any of them that aren't high earners in IT, I wonder?

@Farinthepast - Friends, family and trusted colleagues know. My daughter's friends mostly don't. I worry about the bullying that will happen when it gets out at school, but all I can do is try and equip her with the skills to deal with it.

Her Dad overshares so much on social media that it's inevitable it will come out at some point- his behaviour has been really reckless in this respect- semi naked pictures on an unlocked twitter account etc.

Mind you this has been useful in the past. Particularly when he asked if he could give us less money, because was having a pay cut, whilst boasting on Twitter that he was going to start spending £100 a month on his hair.

@imablackstarnotapopstar this must be very hard for you. My daughter has a good relationship with her Dad still, and I've encouraged that. Including prepping her after his facial surgery that he was "still the same on the inside" Confused. Mind you, I get no bloody gratitude for how easy I've made it for him.

I suspect there's more going on than you're happy sharing online to make your daughter not want to see her Dad.

How sucked in by the trans ideology has the court system become? Is it generally considered in the legal system that gender reassignment is enough to justify a child not wanting to see a parent, these days?

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TinselAngel · 07/12/2017 20:20

And @Farinthepast - yes, I did, and do feel ashamed. I think people must think I was an idiot for ever marrying him.

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Suenahmi · 07/12/2017 20:38

My husband is not a high earning IT professional, In many way though, he does fit with the profile. What shocks me is how closely he is following the 'script'. i am so confused by the whole scenario. I don;t know if it is gaslighting or just confusing

abbey44 · 07/12/2017 20:42

farinthepast - when it happened to me it was almost 20 years ago and, like you said, very far from mainstream. Added to that, we lived in a small community, very conservative, and he was well-known and well-respected, a very conventional chartered accountant. Any hint of his predilections would have had major repercussions for not just him but our children as well.

When I left (a flit on the quiet) the gossip had already started so it was only a matter of time. I had only told one trusted friend and my mother had guessed what was going on (no idea how!). They were the only people who knew for a long time. Since then, having moved to a completely new area, where nobody knows him, I have confided in a couple more, but I still don't find it easy to open up.

I did eventually tell the boys when they were 18-ish, but only in general terms and more that there was more to our separation than the version they'd heard from their father (who had told them that I'd run off with an old flame). To be fair to him, he did give them a fuller and more honest explanation last year, but so much damage has been caused in so many ways, I don't think it'll ever be properly healed. I feel as though I'm carrying a massive weight all the time. And yet, the rational part of me says why should I? I can't help feeling that the wives, partners and families pay a very high price for these men's needs being fulfilled.

TinselAngel · 07/12/2017 20:49

@Suenahmi - probably both.

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