DP says he is not a feminist..

[andintothefire]

We were having a discussion yesterday and my DP announced that he was not and never would be a feminist. I tried to explain to him that feminism doesn't involve misandry or promoting women over men. He was adamant that it was not a term he would use and laughed at the suggestion that some men also wear "This is what a feminist looks like" t-shirts.

I know it shouldn't upset me because he is in his actions very kind and has a daughter who he is very supportive of in terms of education and ambition. He also has no problem at all with me being ambitious and career minded. However it did shake me a bit. I have always previously been in relationships with men who are much more open minded (and more left wing in their views - though this is obviously separate to the feminism issue). It also reminded me of a conversation we had a few weeks ago where he said that I have influenced him not to forward or laugh at sexist emails because he knows I wouldn't like it. I don't want him not to forward them because I wouldn't like it - I want him to realise it is wrong!

It is actually making me wobble about the relationship. Is that a massive over reaction? He really is lovely, but there is a part of me that wonders if our outlook, upbringing and education just make us too divergent on these sorts of issues, especially when I think about having children together.

I suppose I am just posting to start a discussion and to hear views on this..

Either Mumof4boysmcr has NC'd or they joined just to make those posts.

Odd, whichever way you look at it.

I'm not sure what was said but thank you very much Selkie for the lovely compliment!

Amy it was a bitter troll type post best ignored.

Interesting. You are referring to StrictlyPan by the first part of his name and AnyFucker by the second part of hers. Why's that, libprog?

Actually, Amy, I think you'd have had a laff. The poster in question variously called you a silly little girl, said she would be ashamed to be your parent and suggested that you'd never get a man (you'd end up a bitter spinster). The irony was that her posts were so badly written in terms of expression and grammar that they made one's eyes bleed...

Haha, oh dear! I'll concede the "silly" point, I definitely have my moments on that front

Just asked DH, he said he knows men that identify as feminists but thinks they are often fake and all the t.shirt chest beating ones are trying to ingrate themselves with women and he doesn't trust them entirely.

When it comes to equality my true blue Tory DH and I shared childcare including him doing inset days far more than me when DC were small. I have been on hols and left him with them because why wouldn't I and we shared housework 50/50 when I worked FT.

He is very much equality is great it's your turn to put out the bins this week because we both have the equal right to do it. So many of our friends live by that pink job blue job crap.

Mittens as your husband suggests actions are more important than a man just calling himself a feminist I think. My dad would say he's a feminist if asked but not go around telling women he was. Similar to your husband he shows it with actions, jobs around the house, supporting women at his workplace. My mum also works full time and he was always involved in childcare too, as he should be. I also do my bit by tormenting them both equally.

That's very even-handed of you Amy.

I feel it is my duty, Pan.

You're welcome Amy.

You must be doing something right if you're touching a nerve with a malicious dimbo whose idea of a worthless life is not bagging a man

Thankfully I have much bigger ambitions than that! Though at the moment ambition is confined to convincing parents I've got enough work done to go out this afternoon

I always read 'bagging' in the hunting sense ... as in shooting, killing and collecting. That comments confused me for a bit as a result.

My dad would say he's a feminist if asked but not go around telling women he was.

That's the difference here - if asked, he would say that he is a feminist.

It sounds like OP's husband, when they talked about it, declared that he is opposed to feminism. (Because I really cannot imagine she opened a thread because she is sad he will only call himself a feminist ally)

I agree Vestal. It was the dismissive attitude towards it which was unpleasant and I can see why the OP isn't happy about it, I'd be upset if my dad said things like that too.

Vestal

So your with feminism or against it? Really?

I believe the self proclaimed feminists in the UK are at about 7% (debatable), so is 93% against feminism?

Despite the obvious factors of defining feminism, defining who belongs and who doesn't, and defining who runs it, how exactly would you decide who is against you?

Is every person you meet who isn't avidly promoting your type of feminsm the enemy?

Am I the enemy, despite being a very passionate feminist because I disagree with you on certain topics?

Interesting. You are referring to StrictlyPan by the first part of his name and AnyFucker by the second part of hers. Why's that, libprog?

StrictlyPan sounds strict and AnyFucker says she likes fucking. They also happen to be the longer part of their usernames.

I've asked you this on a thread before, Pizam, but you didn't answer.

Can you please tell us which prominent feminist you admire and who you feel speaks for your brand of feminism? Because what you come out with on here doesn't align with any school of feminist theory I'm familiar with.

"Despite the obvious factors of defining feminism, defining who belongs and who doesn't, and defining who runs it, how exactly would you decide who is against you?"

From my (limited) experience it is apparently anyone who doesn't (blindly) agree with them.

Freshwater

I subscribe to strong females, some self proclaimed feminist, some not.

My name for example is (debatably) the first feminist scholar, although she didn't and is arguably defined as a feminist, she was an extremely intruiging woman.

Apologies if I missed the question previously, it's very valid, and clever question to understand my viewpoint, and thanks for trying to instead of just attacking.

libprog

It isn't fair to pidgeonhole anyone, or speak for them, you are as much of a mind reader as I am, and until someone answers you don't know.

I find your stance interesting, are you an anti feminist? A feminist with a different view? Or just unlabelled and your view of the world being different?

Just out of interest libprog, is English not your first language?

No, this isn't an attack, it would just help me to understand some of your more interesting posts.

That didn't answer my question.

Unsurprisingly.

Come on, Pizan. Name a feminist author. Name one that you've read and that you agree with.

I'm waiting.

Christine De Pizan is a scholar. Why doesn't she count?

I think feminism may have moved on a little since the fourteenth century And you said yourself on the other thread that she wasn't a feminist - how could she have been? The concept didn't exist.

Come on. You're big on evidence and citations and academic references. Let's have them.