Would anyone mind if I started a thread about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard here?

[ToadsJustFellFromTheSky]

Because quite frankly I'm getting sick of all the misogynist crap I'm seeing everywhere else about this.

I've said this before but I'll say it again. There could be a clear video of Johnny beating the shit out of Amber released tomorrow and there would still be people defending him whilst slagging her off - "he was drunk so he probably didn't know what he was doing", "she probably provoked him", "it's a lie!", "it's fake!", etc.

He could probably even beat her to a pulp on a red carpet in front of cameras and people would still be falling at his feet .

Given all the evidence it is actually far more likely that he has been abusive towards her than it is she is making the whole thing up, yet people are still defending him and calling her a liar.

Even people who believe he has been abusive towards her still seem to defend him and blame her. Someone on Facebook said this morning that he probably had hit her but she had it coming and must have done something to deserve it

I found the video quite disturbing, but not as disturbing as some of the responses I read on social media. Really feel for Amber.

What the hell...I'll jump in. It has been very clearly stated that anyone who disagrees or gives an alternative slant on this is a misogynist/apologist/victim blamer. So I know my fate.

I am glad that this has moved to the feminist board as there is one aspect of this whole thing that really pisses me off. If any kind of negative aspersion is cast on Heard that person is immediately called a misogynist or apologist and is assumed that they "support" Depp (like we are primary school). Also any kind of reasoning about Depp's behaviour or questioning about the evidence gets the same.

It is all so black and white and actually works against proper understanding of dv. Anyone can be a victim, not only dow-eyed fair maidens. And I mean anyone - drug addicted, spiteful, nasty, narcissistic, gossipy, screamy, horrible, unpleasant, manipulative, mercenary women can all be victims of dv as well and all deserve support, no matter how unpleasant as people they may be. All this painting Heard as a brave pioneering angel perpetuates this stereotype. Therefore, only a certain type of women will be believed, or thought to deserve sympathy. Maybe also it explains why Heard is not being believed as strong women aren't see as possible victims of dv.

Also, this painting of Depp as evil with no allowance for mental health issues is also extremely annoying. I don't believe men who are abusers set out as a child to grow up to be one. Things in their life set them along that path. It is something that should be understood to stop this behaviour ever happening. And by that I do NOT that there should be no punishment.

In fact if I was a victim of dv I would be furious with Heard for pursuing her abuser through the divorce courts for money and social media. It trivialises the issue. If this all true then she should be going through criminal channels to get either punishment or psychiatric help for Depp.

I get that thread's like this are being supportive of Heard, but actually just shut down discussion and perpetuate stereotypes about dv.

As a survivor of DV, I completely understand why she isn't going through the criminal courts and just wants to divorce him. It doesn't trivialise anything. You can't force anyone to take anyone through he criminal system. Mostly what survivors of DV want is to get the fuck away from their abuser, then being punished or rehabilitated is way down the list of important things.

Men choose to harm women. Whatever their background or understanding, they make the final choice to hurt someone. Suggesting that men abuse because they have mental health issues shows a lack of knowledge about those issues. People with mental health issues tend to be the victim of violence to a far higher degree than they are perpetrators of it. The suggestions that Depp has been abusing Heard because he's mentally ill are frankly making excuses for his choices.

So far, I have mostly seen support for Depp, both on MN and elsewhere. I've not seen anyone suggest that Heard is a "brave pioneering angel", in fact most of what has been written seems to suggest that she's lying (hence not going through criminal channels) for money (hence the divorce courts for money).

I'm not sure that a single thread going against the general grain of opinion is shutting down discussion, in fact I would suggest it's the opposite, because as the OP clearly stated, she's sick of the victim blaming that's been going on on the other threads about this, therefore it would seem to be trying to open discussion. I'm not suggesting that you are a misogynist/apologist/victim blamer either, just so we're very clear on that.

I believe her. I used to really like Johnny Depp as an actor, but I cannot claim to know him.

Depp doesn't need my sympathy, he has plenty of victim-blamers and misogynists who will take his side, anyway. So I'll give my sympathy to the victim. She needs it more.

purple the criminal courts and the civil courts have different burdens of proof - criminal is beyond all reasonable doubt, civil is on balance of probability. I'd never blame a woman for going down the civil route as there is likely to be a lot less focus on her behaviour as a defence for the man.
Also I don't quite understand your point about DV victims. Are you saying she should not speak out because she's too pretty? Unfortunately DV against most women is not newsworthy, I think its good that she's raising the profile by sharing her story. Why shouldn't she anyway? Its him who should be ashamed, not her.

I agree the comments about her have been shocking. I have seen headlines saying that Depp has gone downhill (in his appearance) since meeting Amber. This gives the impression that they belie it's her fault. She was also slated for smiling in a photo taken at a birthday party the day after the alleged attack oh her. Her hair was styled over her cheek and eye where the bruising had been shown in previous photos. The press tried to use the fact and that the photo had since been removed from Instagram as proof she was lying. Because she was at a party and smiles no ffs.

I watched the video and if I'm honest had to watch it again. It was almost like a flashback to myself years ago. With an ex that kicked inanimate objects. Put holes in the odd wall and door. Would be violent to things. He never hit me but would swear at me and bully me. Would emotionally withdraw from me amongst other things. When I left him his parents offered to help me because they by that stage worried for my safety when I actually left.
The thread about that video made my blood boil. People saying I don't see him being violent. I don't see him being abusive. The very same things that many live in fear of day after day and that a thread on the relationship boards would attract mostly sane sensible people pointing out its only a matter of time before he kicks you instead of the kitchen

I believe her

Yes, there's a chance she deliberately escalated the situation to get video footage, but that's hardly the point is it? IF that's true she only escalated a situation that already existed, ie her partner is a violent, wife-abusing drunk and instead of leaving the room or getting to a place of safety she took a calculated risk to stay and try and get evidence because otherwise she knew no-one would believe her. Even with evidence, hardly anyone believes her - I'm not going to blame her for trying to get some.

purple no one is saying Amber is a 'doe eyes Angel', she may well be a horrible person. However it's completely irrelevant if she's nice or not when it comes to the issue of DV. The "she's a bitch" and "she pushed him to it" card is used all too often to excuse a violent man's behaviour. I just want to be in a world where, when a man is violent to a woman, he in unequivocally blamed, and the woman is not. We are not there yet, and sadly it seems MN is not there yet.

Unfortunately I can't pinpoint you to the last thread when it all came about where someone said its her fault for getting hit with a phone because she should have ducked, as MNHQ deleted it due to the level of victim blaming going on. But victim blaming does exist on here, and it is rampant on the other thread too

So they've reached a settlement:
www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/amber-heard-johnny-depp-settlement_uk_57b33aa7e4b02fb3274c14a8

Is it me or was there a tacit admission of guilt in there? “Neither party has lied nor made false accusations for financial gain." If Amber Heard wasn't lying or making false accusations that implies what she said about the abuse was true.

I believe her.

Her hair was styled over her cheek and eye where the bruising had been shown in previous photos. The press tried to use the fact and that the photo had since been removed from Instagram as proof she was lying. Because she was at a party and smiles no ffs.

The day I was raped, at around 7am, I then went straight to work from my rapist's home, then went out afterwards to bars with colleagues. I got drunk. And yes, I probably smiled a few times. I think they'd have asked me questions about it otherwise. I didn't think, I was on autopilot. But I couldn't actually sit down properly as it was too painful.

So yes, the incredibly common and damaging myths that people know exactly how DV and rape victims will act and the fact that fucking ignorant, clueless people go "aha, you see a victim wouldn't do that, if it happened to me I'd do this, therefore she must be lying", really really fuck me off, to put it mildly.

“Neither party has lied nor made false accusations for financial gain."

That is a very odd statement. Whether one believes her or not the basis of their financial settlement is absolutely no-one's business but theirs; there is no need to say that.

It reads to me as if she has required that statement to be made , failing which, there will be other consequences for him and he has had to agree.

She was also slated for smiling in a photo taken at a birthday party

That's so ridiculous! Everyone knows that people smile for photos whether they are happy or not.

Also, what others said. Even if it was a genuine smile, that doesn't mean anything. People tend to smile occasionally, whether their life in general is shit or no.

Is it me or was there a tacit admission of guilt in there? “Neither party has lied nor made false accusations for financial gain." If Amber Heard wasn't lying or making false accusations that implies what she said about the abuse was true.

But the next sentence in the statement is "There was never any intent of physical or emotional harm."
So which is it?

dey to me that's basically saying "I did hit her but didn't mean to hurt her"

I was friendly with a family until the mother told me that her son had been abusive to his wife 'under the influence of a medication' but apparently his inability to keep control of himself on that medication didn't pose a danger to his child. He could be as abusive as he liked to his wife but somehow he could simultaneously be OK with his child because he 'wouldn't do that to his child'

Abusive behaviour is either to everyone (with the possibility of it being the result of substance abuse) or its personal (so choosing to be a nasty bastard)

Either way it's unacceptable of course but shouldn't we be calling out people who are abusive whatever their excuse?

Abusers can't have it both ways.

I have always believed her and found the recent thread on chat or aibu depressingly predictable. Glad to see a thread here.

Glad he's admitted she wasn't lying, although there are still people determined to believe she made it all up. Or that she's a gold digger because she didn't go to the police.

Odd that a lot of the people saying that she's a gold digger because she didn't go to the police are the exact same people who, had she gone to the police, would have said she was making it up for money.

Women eh?

Pinky Yes, was thinking something similar. Strangely worded all round though.

I remember a journalist writing that it was appalling that society seemed to mind more about a rich man being cleaned out of his money than about a woman getting abused and beaten. For me that sums up the whole thing. She's the one deserving sympathy and support.

"Neither party has lied nor made false accusations for financial gain." If Amber Heard wasn't lying or making false accusations that implies what she said about the abuse was true."

Tbf that's boilerplate settlement stuff.
The whole point is that both sides agree to settle the issue without either admitting liability.

i wouldn't read much in to the wording of a settlement like that which is basically saying neither party have done anything wrong and the matter is now sorted.

I thought it was a shame how their relationship was described

It seemed to be right out of a Hollywood script passion and intensity makes people go crazy and acting out is a consequence of that so sort of OK his aggression is because he felt such passion

I believe her but she may have made a mistake. This has already done the rounds on facebook and people are pointing to the not done for financial gain and the fact she is donating the money to charity. Already seen two people claim if she was going to keep the money the financial gain line would have had to have been removed. Having suffered emotional abuse from my ex I do wonder how anyone ever gets believed as people always make excuses.

I just read she was donating the settlement to charity. Such a gold digger (sarcasm, obvs)

No, you're right Felas.

He's worth at a conservative guess $400million. Under Californian law, she could have legitimately gone for half of that. With no abuse alleged or proven.

She asked for $7million.

She has got that, and is giving almost all of it to charity.

Much gold digging, many "doing it for the money"s