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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

How are we supposed to do ALL of this?

333 replies

cakestop2016 · 19/03/2016 19:54

Modern society is completely screwed up for modern women as far as I'm concerned. Why are we expected to go to work AND juggle all of the housework AND take care of the children's needs? Why haven't men caught up in assisting us? My DP is slowly learning that he needs to do more but why am I having to write him to-do lists, why can't he think for himself? Why does he fail to notice the greasy finger marks on the kitchen cupboards when he 'cleans' the kitchen?
why is it like this? Why does all the meal planning get left to me? I'm now seriously contemplating leaving DP and taking our DD with me because I can not live like this anymore.
what's the answer for modern women?

OP posts:
RudeElf · 19/03/2016 19:56

Thats just your man. Other men are fully functioning adults.

elQuintoConyo · 19/03/2016 20:00

I refused to marry a man like that. Sadly my DSil didn't and has a rather shit, frustrating relationship with her partner where she is 2nd fiddle - 3rd, if her Mil is around.

My advice is feck off and leave him to it for a few days, if you can. Or tell him just how unsexy it is to be his second mother.

KP86 · 19/03/2016 20:00

Unfortunately mine is also like yours. Great dad, and perfectly capable of all household tasks when asked. But I shouldn't have to ask!

He will do some things unprompted, but the majority of organising and delegating falls to me.

How to change it? Not sure!

Original poster
cakestop2016 · 19/03/2016 20:01

From the conversations I've had with other women Rude, they appear to be having much the same problem. Some of my friends complain even though they claim to 'like' doing everything themselves. Really?? Because for me, I can't stand it. If keeping a man means living like this, I'd prefer to be on my own.

OP posts:
KP86 · 19/03/2016 20:03

In some ways I don't mind because then it's done properly - but I wish DH would do it properly as well.

I'm not unhappy. Lucky at the moment because I'm not working lots of hours so have time for this to be 'my job'/contribution to the family. If I was also working full time I would force him to be better.

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 20:03

they appear to be having much the same problem

They appear to have chosen the same problem. They have choice in who they live with.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 19/03/2016 20:04

Not all men are like this. If he is prepared to make an effort and learn you have hope. Otherwise you are in for a lifetime of resentment.

Lweji · 19/03/2016 20:04

You can work out a rota or define clear roles. Some couples may easily just take over each other as necessary. Others may need to feel they are responsible for specific things.

Or just sit and when he asks about food ask what he's doing.

whattheseithakasmean · 19/03/2016 20:05

Nope, not me, my DH does far more around the house than me - he is fairly tidy by nature and I am a slattern. Don't blame everyone else for your shit choice of bloke, ta.

Mide7 · 19/03/2016 20:06

"In some ways I don't mind because then it's done properly - but I wish DH would do it properly as well."

I hear things like this all the time. By properly do you mean your way?

Oddoneout63 · 19/03/2016 20:09

I've been with one of these for >20 years. I'm now working f-t too & am exhausted trying to do everything. My answer now is to write his and the kids' chores on a whiteboard in the kitchen. At least then if they don't get done I can point to the board!

However DH often thinks it doesn't apply to him - his response today when I said that now we were both working f-t, he needs to help out more, his response was to say that I just needed to get the kids to help more! I'm now allocations chores to everyone (including him) & the kids then point out which ones DH hasn't done yet.

KP86 · 19/03/2016 20:14

Mide7, maybe I do mean my way, but I also mean that when cleaning the house that means dusting and doing the bathrooms, not just floors and kitchen; or doing the washing means hanging clothes properly by the seams or not putting non-dryer stuff though the dryer (although he is getting better at this). Fairly standard expectations, and the jobs aren't done properly purely due to laziness.

I am a bit of a control freak in the kitchen so he doesn't like cooking with me around (I tend to hover). He would also NEVER think to do a menu plan or weekly shopping list. Even if I relegated kitchen to him I don't think he would know where to start beyond chilli con carne and burgers.

DH has a lot of good qualities, or I wouldn't put up with these annoying ones! I say he is a work in progress.

Xmasbaby11 · 19/03/2016 20:15

I hear this on a minor level but I know many many hands on men and I often see dads at the playground etc so I think things are better now.

In my relationship, Dh is more houseproud but I have more free time, so I think sometimes he feels I prioritise the wrong things eg I spend lots of time cooking but never get round to dusting. So actually I'd be happy to be told rather than vice versa.

whattheseithakasmean · 19/03/2016 20:17

I'm now allocations chores to everyone (including him) & the kids then point out which ones DH hasn't done yet.

If my DH tried to treat me like that I would walk away.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 19/03/2016 20:20

his response was to say that I just needed to get the kids to help moreAngry on your behalf

I'd stop doing anything for him. No food, no laundry no tidying his stuff up. He's a adult not a child and your not his mum.

Dh is not too bad at housework (shame about the hoarding). I'm sure it's down to his mum and dad splitting house hold chores. I'm determined to teach both my dd & ds how to run a home.

dh will have to teach them DIY though cause I'm hopeless

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 20:25

dh will have to teach them DIY though cause I'm hopeless

Learn.

Mide7 · 19/03/2016 20:27

Fair enough KP, I'm not excusing your DH but I hear lots of women moaning because their other halves don't do it the way they would. To me that means you need to do it yourself because of course people are going to have different ideas of what certain tasks involve.

Oddoneout63 · 19/03/2016 20:33

RudeElf - I'm with WhenSheWasBadSheWas re diy as DH is genuinely very good at it. I can't even bang a picture hook in straight - believe me I've tried! It does take a little while for him to actually get round to 'do it himself', but he does a good job when he does.

nooka · 19/03/2016 20:33

Were things equal before you had children? I can't imagine living like that really. My dh is much tidier than me, pre children he did the cleaning and washing and I did the cooking. Post children we had help (we both worked full time) but otherwise split everything, except for the short time I was on maternity leave. When he was a SAHD he did most of the housework, but the children were in school by then so that was fair enough really, he had more time than me. Now we have teenagers we split things four ways.

Anyway I've never expected to work, do the housework and take the lead childcare role. Fuck that for a game of soldiers! My dh doesn't assist me either. He is an equal partner in our household (and whilst he has done some very crap things in our time together, laziness is more my failing than his).

Original poster
cakestop2016 · 19/03/2016 20:34

Or if you're both working... treat yourselves to a cleaner perhaps?!
This may be the only way to save my relationship with DP and avoid domestic duty warfare every bloody weekend!

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 19/03/2016 20:41

Christ, if I was "allocated chores" by my partner, I'd leave!

OP, your problem isn't modern society - it's that you're living with a man-child. Stop doing it all.

KP86 · 19/03/2016 20:43

My DH asks to be given a list of things to do!

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 20:46

re diy as DH is genuinely very good at it. I can't even bang a picture hook in straight - believe me I've tried

So how would you feel if he left you a list of DIY chores you had to complete? Cant you see how hypocritical it is of you to complain that he doesnt do house chores your way when you dont do DIY?

QueenLaBeefah · 19/03/2016 20:48

When someone claims or shows he can't do housework (with the best will in the world housework isn't difficult it is just dull, relentless and hardwork but intellectually it isn't hard to work out how to clean a fridge) or does it really badly it is called strategic incompetence.

I watched for years my teenage brother pulling the same stunts - which resulted in me, my mum and sister having to do everything because my mum fell for this bull crap.

When I first moved in with DH (then DP) he tried the same stunts. I told him immediately that:
A. I would dump him
B. If he wanted me to act like his mum I would immediately stop fancying him and that would quickly lead to no sex. (Not because of some weird punishment but I really need to respect a lover to want sex)

Within weeks he stopped acting like a lazy entitled arsehole and 20 yrs later we have a proper, grown up relationship. We work roughly the same hours and do roughly the same amount of housework.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 19/03/2016 20:49

rude

Thanks for the advice but no thanks. I do the gardening, dh does the DIY.

If I desperately need DIY doing and dh can't do it I'll hire someone to do it for me.

I'm bloody busy at work makes much more sense for me to pay someone to do it for me than spend hours and hours attempting to master a skill I'm not very interested in.