How are we supposed to do ALL of this?

[cakestop2016]

Modern society is completely screwed up for modern women as far as I'm concerned. Why are we expected to go to work AND juggle all of the housework AND take care of the children's needs? Why haven't men caught up in assisting us? My DP is slowly learning that he needs to do more but why am I having to write him to-do lists, why can't he think for himself? Why does he fail to notice the greasy finger marks on the kitchen cupboards when he 'cleans' the kitchen?
why is it like this? Why does all the meal planning get left to me? I'm now seriously contemplating leaving DP and taking our DD with me because I can not live like this anymore.
what's the answer for modern women?

So DH can hire a cleaner to do the housework he isnt interested in doing the too.

So DH can hire a cleaner to do the housework he isnt interested in doing the too

Of course he can. We split the cleaning by the way. But yes, if the cleaning gets too much for both of us we can hire a cleaner.

Oh well no worries then.

I don't really belong on this thread because I am a lesbian single parent. I also have no interest in identifying, measuring or defending male fecklessness.

However, I am here to say that I also do not wipe greasy fingerprints off the kitchen cupboards when I am cleaning the kitchen. Not because I don't see them, not because I think someone else will do it for me, but because I just don't think it's worth the time or effort. There are other things id rather do instead.

Possibly if there was someone else here to share some of the housework/childcare/earning, I might do it. Possibly out of love for a partner who mysteriously valued clean kitchen cupboard doors, I might do it. But I seriously wouldn't bank on it.

Thanks rudeelf

I think op does have a point about a lot of men not pulling their weight at home.
Personally I'm sure a lot of it is down to how they are raised. If all a boy sees is his mum doing all the housework that's what he's going to expect when he's older (just my personal opinion).

I agree, it isnt a male thing not to wipe off finger marks. Thats an individual thing. There are days smudges annoy me and days i can ignore them. I wouldnt tolerate someone tutting and grumping at me on the days i didnt feel like wiping them. They dont need done. Its personal preference.

Well my boys only see me doing the housework, cooking, organising etc. Because there is no man here and their dad isnt involved. But they are both as involved in all those tasks as much as is appropriate. I'm hoping they dont take from this the message that mums are for doing all this stuff but rather that houses get cleaned by everyone who lives there. Regardless of sex.

I think the problem is more that you have chosen a man who doesn't do/like housework.

I have never ever written a list of chores for either current dh or exdh. Both were fully capable of cleaning a house from top to bottom and frequently did so.

Stop enabling him. Tell him to take a week on/week off approach to meal planning.

Well my boys only see me doing the housework, cooking, organising etc

Sorry rude my post was a bit "your average 2 kids family with one mum and one dad"
I'm sure the attitude of - you live here so you contribute to the housework - is the best one.

It will be seen as women's work for as long as so many women see some household chores as mans work. Some people are naturally crap when it comes to diy, car maintenance, basic mechanics/ electric etc, but you'd expect that to be equally split across both men and women, and yet it's not. A disproportionate amount of relatively enlightened women are almost proud of the fact they need a man to do stuff like that, even though they'd be up in arms at the idea of cleaning or cooking being woman's work.

Not in the sense the man is doing his fair share by doing historically male jobs. But in the sense that too many women acting the wilting female about those very simple tasks is counter productive to the correct position that there aren't gender specific roles in a home or society.

(Btw, not directing that at whoever said up thread they were useless at that sort of thing, I'm aware some people of both genders are. More a general thing that it's mostly females who 'can't'. Which means that it's more a society issue than a natural ability issue in the majority of cases)

In this day and age if you can read you can learn to do pretty much any basic household task if you want to. And thats the key point, it requires the desire to do it. Very many people say they 'cant' do X, Y and Z when what they mean is they dont want to and there is someone else there who wants to more than they do. Fine, if it works in your relationship. But own it.

I don't feel like I do anything more to keep our lives going than DH, my life feels very fair.

I have no actual advice though :( I guess I just want to say that it''s not inevitable than women have to have the rubbish end of the stick in families/relationships.

(I'm having DC1 in a few weeks...I hope I can still say the same after!)

Completely random thought re: diy though...I wonder if size has something to do with many women's (including mine) reluctance to do certain tasks though....as I've been on mat leave I've been trying to do a few little jobs around the house but I keep finding I can't reach/have to find a chair/am not strong enough to hold the thingy up...whereas it'd be a lot quicker and easier for an ave size man to do it.

My parents are in their late 70s. My father was definitely not raised with parents who split the housework. Far from it - his older sisters were supposed to defer to him as man of the house.

Yet, somehow he was perfectly capable of doing laundry, DIY, cooking, mending and cleaning throughout our childhood, without making a big song and dance about it.

If men don't pull their weight, it's because they fundamentally don't want to.

Isnt that a bit like saying its easier for women to wash the dishes because their feet are smaller and they can get closer to the sink? Or theyre shorter so more comfortable pushing the buggy?

That was in response to strawberry.

Strawberry - I find that some tools are annoying because the grips are too large/too heavy to hold comfortably in one hand.

But it's possible to buy drills, powered screwdrivers etc that are comfortable for me to use. Did you buy the tools? May be worth thinking about replacing some with more usable ones.

My dad used to spend ages on a sunday night taking apart and cleaning his horseriding stuff. The bridle and bits and sadle all got saddle soaped. I remember him doing it on old newspaper in front of the fire. He was meticulous. There was no doubt about it, my dad knew how to clean- what he wanted to clean. Same with his cars now. Spotless. Because he wants to clean them. He has no interest in how clean the toilet is. He doesnt show that off to his friends. His friends wouldnt care either. Mum cares about the toilet. So she cleans the toilet. She doesnt show it off to her mates though. 'Cause that would be quite sad.

I don't know the answer. Somehow I've got three children but only gave birth to two.

Stop parenting the third one. Its isnt an actual child. It will survive.

Exactly rude. I can't say that my physical size makes it harder for me to do diy type tasks than it would a man. I'm not in the habit of laying large quantities of breezeblocks or similar heavy work in the course of normal household tasks. And since when is changing a plug or plastering a strength or build thing? Only instance I can think of is the odd too tight/rusty wheel bolt that I've had to stand on, that a larger female or average man might have used just arm strength for.

The only time i ever had trouble was getting the locking nut off the car wheel. It was on tight. The huge man who stopped to help me took ages to get it off and was bouncing up and down on the wheel brace before it finally gave.

The difference is that how much DIY needs doing EVERY DAY? The shit work, cleaning, cooking, washing etc is integral to keeping a household going. How often do shelves need putting up exactly? And how much time per week is devoted to each?

Don't have children with a manchild is the flippant answer but also true.

DH and I share the housework (plus we have a cleaner), there's things he's not so great at and things I'm not so great at and sometimes both of us avoid work but I don't think either is strategic incompetence since we're equally shite (and frankly we all have off days).

He is a properly fantastic Dad - was watching him get DS dressed on Friday and thinking 'damn I chose well' , he's got much more patience with the kids than I do and went PT when I returned to work after having DD1 so has served his time crawling around under the dining table picking up peas which I think really helps. Of course it also helps that we have always earned similar amounts so it's not really been an option to force one of us to put our career on the back burner. When the kids were tiny we both worked PT, now DH is FT but in a flexible and local role (so he does all school assemblies/doctor's appointments etc). I'm currently PT but work a bit further away (so do the wifework on my day at home but ignore it the rest of the working week).

This is true aradia cooking, laundry, opening windows, children's arse wiping are all necessary for basic daily existence. Shelves are not. You will all survive, get to work looking presentable, avoid SS involvement if the shelves are still on the garage floor in six months. DIY and house stuff isnt comparable. The basics should be covered by everyone who lives in the house.