How are we supposed to do ALL of this?

[cakestop2016]

Modern society is completely screwed up for modern women as far as I'm concerned. Why are we expected to go to work AND juggle all of the housework AND take care of the children's needs? Why haven't men caught up in assisting us? My DP is slowly learning that he needs to do more but why am I having to write him to-do lists, why can't he think for himself? Why does he fail to notice the greasy finger marks on the kitchen cupboards when he 'cleans' the kitchen?
why is it like this? Why does all the meal planning get left to me? I'm now seriously contemplating leaving DP and taking our DD with me because I can not live like this anymore.
what's the answer for modern women?

Ime it goes wrong when on maternity leave.
The balance changes and it becomes incredibly difficult to try and change that. Particularly if you are a perfectionist type, it's easy to fall into doing it all so you can both relax in the evenings/weekends.

Understandably the adult benefiting from that doesn't want to give it up.

I'm not in a happy place, and if it wasn't for our 9 yo I'd have been long gone, but I don't see why I should leave and he doesn't see why he should. So it carries on.

You are choosing for it to carry on. As is he. You are both choosing this. Not wanting to leave isnt the same as not having a choice.

I think we all have to be responsible for the relationship choices we make. To not be means we will inevitably repeat the same cycle.

It's also worth noting people have different standards, and it would be wise to pair off with someone who shares a similar view.

If you've managed to find yourself in a relationship where you are unfulfilled, either leave or get counselling together to fix it, and find a way to compromise.

Rude

Can you give me statistics in which women are better off financially post divorce when children are involved?

What on earth makes you think i would have statistics for that elendon?

stumbly

But the very fact that you state that DIY is more skilled than housework proves my point.

Work women do is de facto classified as low skilled.

I really don't find DIY requires more skill than the usual house work.

Putting up a picture: nail a hook to the wall (you just need to get used to the hammer, really, and be able to hold the nail in place - there are tricks for that.)

Painting walls: choose the paint, protect floors and anything that is not to be painted, paint, let it dry.

Laundry: you must understand that you should separate colours and types of clothes, choose the temperature, then hand so that the clothes dry faster and without markings.

Ironing: shirts and trousers require care and attention. We must select the best temperature for the clothes, the pressure to apply, how fast to do it, how much steam to apply, and so on.

Cooking: unless you just heat up ready meals, it involves a range of skills that require some learning and lots of practice.

Cleaning: you must choose the best products, understand what they do (no, bleach won't get rid of grease or limescale), and do in the right order.

I've installed a kitchen at home and, step by step, it doesn't require fantastic skills. It's pretty basic. As is putting laminate flooring. And exH a school leaver but he figured out how to do basic plumbing.
It's just something we rarely do and we need to be taught the basics and practice a bit. We just get to practice day to day house work a lot. :)

I disagree Leweji Any mobility issues aside just about anyone over the age of 12 who can read is capable of doing enough to keep a house in a reasonable standard of cleanliness / not being a pig-sty. You can over - egg it as you describe should you wish.

Installing gas , electrical or plumbing equipment needs to be done correctly.

I'm with RudeElf

also a lot of women posting about this refuse to withdraw basics - so tell them not to cook for the partner or do the laundry for the partner and they say "ooh no I can't do that". Then you find out they do things like remind their husband to get a card for his mum's birthday - WTF?!

There are tons of things around the flat that I wouldn't notice either and some of the cleanest most fussy and anal about the house people I know are men so I don't think it's at all fair to say men don't notice things or do them properly.

Lweji - that certainly isn't the level of care and attention I give to housework and by most people's standards I'm very good at looking after the flat

You don't give that level of attention because you're so used to it that you do it automatically. Or at least most people do.

Installing gas , electrical or plumbing equipment needs to be done correctly.

But that is not your normal DIY. You should get trained people to do it.

You don't give that level of attention because you're so used to it that you do it automatically. Or at least most people do

Apart from cooking I've never given it that level of detail. Basically you spray stuff on things. Keep dark colours separate

Why don't you leave?

Lass, you never wash woollies or delicates? Never bedding during norovirus?

You can do cleaning to a random standard or you can actually clean to get rid of limescale or grease. Or to disinfect. You won't spray window cleaners on wood, surely.

re the OP original questions, this is the second time I've seen someone on MN wonder why "feminism" has "left" them in this position.

irony - I'm not even sure about calling myself a feminist and I get annoyed when I see this. Feminism has helped many great things happen but it can't sort out your personal life and relationships!

and I don't perceive feminism as expecting women to do all of these things, so the question "How are we supposed to do all this" is bizarre. The key people expecting the OP to do this are herself and her partner.

Lweji...

Your levels of cleaning are way beyond mine.

I have a clean house but our cleaning regimen is:

• Separate whites and darks (I don't believe this takes any real skill per se), we wash everything on the same cycle. We don't do anything different for 'woollens' or whatever...everything goes on 40 degrees.

• Wash dishes, dry them and put away

• If it doesn't move and isn't a window, We either wipe it with dettol wipes or dust it

• Hoover

That's it. We don't iron anything. I wasn't counting 'cooking' in housework...I agree that this involves skill akin to DIY.

To me hanging a picture isn't really DIY...I agree that's a similar level of skill as cleaning.

I mean....putting up curtain rails, hanging a door, tiling a bathroom, etc.

Sure I can do these things but I have to research them first and get better with practice = requires skill.

I've never needed to watch a YouTube video on how to open dettol wipes and wipe a surface or to wash dishes.

Anyway...back to the original OP.

I don't believe the idea of feminism is that we do all of this?

The idea of feminism is that it's all shared with our life partners and the very fact that it isn't in the 'average' household is just one of many reasons that feminism is still very relevant today.

stumbly "the very fact that it isn't in the 'average' household is just one of many reasons that feminism is still very relevant today."

how can feminism "help"?

TBH I worked with an ex-carpenter who'd hung doors for a living & he reckoned he'd get someone else in to do it for him, as it's apparently a horrid job if you don't have all the kit to make it easy.

Some traditionally feminine tasks I find get as much praise as DIY, for e.g. baking or sewing/altering things...they are probably a better comparison with DIY and done about as often.

I think DHs and mine standards of housework are pretty similar though we both have our own things that we are more/less fussy about. He likes making the glass in the shower all shiny and smudge free, and i'm really fussy about hanging clothes up to dry.

What I would really like to see is more SAHD and WOHM combos...I don't think there's anything wrong with depending on your partner/wanting to concentrate more on domestic stuff if that's what works best for you but I think the SAHP role would be much less looked down on if more men did it.

I can hang a door, they are a royal pain in the arse to do from scratch. Lots of fiddling about.

But I can hang one and I do have the tools knocking about somewhere.

Once you do learn something, it's then simple.

Hanging a door doesn't take much to learn how to do.

Oh and the mysterious tools the Carpenter referred too?

Wood plane
Chisel
Hammer
Screw driver
Sand paper

Both with housework and diy there are easier and more difficult jobs. You can't compare the easiest of one with the most specialist of the other to make a point.
But in either case, if you've seen it done from young they seem easy and if you haven't they seem harder. So, both require similar levels of training.
I feel just at ease around a drill than with a needle.
I certainly treat most clothes properly to last longer rather than just separate by colour, as I was trained to. If you weren't trained to by a parent, you may need to look it up or keep checking washing labels until it's second nature. Much like putting up shelves.

And neither is second nature to men or women.

ILeave - Nah, when doing it every day he built himself jigs to reduce the faff. Which you could do yourself, but the effort probably isn't worth it for one door. Similarly I know how to change an oil filter, but don't do it because it's pretty cheap to get someone else to do and it's a faff. Neither of those are rocket science. They are both easier with the right tools, and having had some practice.

If I wanted a wedding quality cake I'd pay someone with the skills and all the tools to make it for me. (DC birthday cakes OTOH, DP does as he loves crafty things like that).