How are we supposed to do ALL of this?

[cakestop2016]

Modern society is completely screwed up for modern women as far as I'm concerned. Why are we expected to go to work AND juggle all of the housework AND take care of the children's needs? Why haven't men caught up in assisting us? My DP is slowly learning that he needs to do more but why am I having to write him to-do lists, why can't he think for himself? Why does he fail to notice the greasy finger marks on the kitchen cupboards when he 'cleans' the kitchen?
why is it like this? Why does all the meal planning get left to me? I'm now seriously contemplating leaving DP and taking our DD with me because I can not live like this anymore.
what's the answer for modern women?

"because women are judged on how their houses look in a way that men aren't and so they care more."

^^ this

I have to agree with Askbasil a few posts back in respect to the poem. I think it defies housework as women's work without necessarily saying so.
It reminds me of a friend's Facebook post I saw a few months back. Her husband had cooked dinner and cleaned up afterwards 'without being asked' she took a picture of her wonderfully clean kitchen and her stat us basically celebrated the fact that he had cooked and cleaned, not her.
They both work. Why was she celebrating the fact that he'd made fair contribution?
Why do women go on treating mens contributions as something to be celebrated? They're not helping the case for equality and it saddens and maddens me so much.

How would you characterise behaviour where someone does something over and over again, that they know distresses the person they share space with?

I would define that as disrespectful. But if mug woman actually collected all the mugs around the office, washed them, dried them, put them away, tidied up the area, swept and mopped the floor, I would find it disrespectful of a colleague to be pulling her up on the presence of fingerprints on the cupboard doors.

"How would you characterise behaviour where someone does something over and over again, that they know distresses the person they share space with?

I would define that as disrespectful. But if mug woman actually collected all the mugs around the office, washed them, dried them, put them away, tidied up the area, swept and mopped the floor, I would find it disrespectful of a colleague to be pulling her up on the presence of fingerprints on the cupboard doors."

At last, an answer. Disrespectful. So you do recognise that it's disrespectful and usually, when women are lectured about what to expect from relationships, the bottom line is respect.

Except when it comes to housework. Then suddenly, women are told to forget everything they ever heard they had the right to expect and told to stop overreacting about the continual, ongoing lack of respect they are shown every day.

Bumbledumb, why are you making up this fantasy scenario about MugWoman? It doesn't in any way way tally with the situation the OP is talking about and in fact, it's a mirror image. The OP's DH hasn't done the Mug Woman equivalent of what you have described. On the contrary, she's the one who is doing the mug woman task of collecting all the office mugs, washing them, drying them, putting them away, tidying the area, sweeping and mopping the floor. And then her colleauge is coming and putting fingerprints on the cupboard door. Not complaining about her doing so. That is a nearer analogy.

I'm almost finding it funny, how desperate some women are, to deny that there is a problem with housework. Almost.

The OP's DH hasn't done the Mug Woman equivalent of what you have described.

Why not? He cleaned the kitchen, but did not notice the greasy fingerprints on the cupboard doors.

On the contrary, she's the one who is doing the mug woman task of collecting all the office mugs, washing them, drying them, putting them away, tidying the area, sweeping and mopping the floor. And then her colleauge is coming and putting fingerprints on the cupboard door.

This makes no sense to me at all. The OP did not clean the kitchen, she told her DH to clean the kitchen. He stopped short of polishing the kitchen cupboards. How does that mean that she did any of it herself?

Even if mug woman went round the whole office hoovering and wiping tables, if she still didn't take her mug to the kitchen, as she has been repeatedly asked to do, it would still be disrespectful.

This reminds me of a skit my partner does, if I ask him if he remember to to get something when shopping. 'No' he says, 'but I got a calculator with the number zero crossed out, a toy car with 5 wheels, and every issue of the TV times from 1982'

ie. Making light of the fact that it doesn't matter what else you do, if you don't do the one thing you were specifically asked to do.

How greasy will the cupboards need to be before it becomes an issue? What if it's Nutella rather than grease? Why when she wants it is it over-zealous polishing required, but when he doesn't do it it's apparently a minor task he happens to have forgotten?

In my household, both of us are pretty happy to live in filth actually. We both have very low standards. Except that now we have kids, I'm not prepared for them to live in filth - they need clean plates and clothes and he knows that I will pick up the slack (so I stop doing his stuff - which is ridiculous and petty, but makes the point). Plus, I work from home, so if the sink is full of stinky washing up, then I suffer. He's out all day, so he doesn't.

Bumbledumb, you seem to be heavily invested in missing the point, but it's very telling that you declare that she told him to clean the kitchen.

If she did and you see nothing wrong with that, then I can understand why you keep missing the point. Because I find it pathetic, that he has to be told. No one has to tell me when my kitchen needs cleaning, because I'm an adult. The OP is complaining that she has to write to do lists and "he can't think for himself". Thinking, meal planning etc., knowing what needs to be done to have a place under control and functioning, is part of the job; waiting for someone else to tell you that, is part of the wearying shit that the OP is complaining about. And it's the equivalent of the gathering up of the office cups etc. It's the being solely responsible for the project management of it, rather than just having the luxury of being told what to do. Like a child.

Askbasil hits the nail on the head. I agree that OP seems depleted by the constant thinking and managerial tasks of the household. Anybody can be told what to do and anyone can 'clean' a kithen to the lowest standards possible.

OP just wants DH to think outside the box; it's not about finger marks, it's about not just ticking jobs off the list of what you've been told and thinking for himself.
For example "the oven hasnt been cleaned for a while whilst I'm here mopping the floor and cleaning dishes like I've been told, maybe I'll just give the walls and tiles are scrub too."

We have glossy kitchen cupboards in grey and greasy finger marks show up massively. Also, dirt aside, isn't it a little unhygenic to leave greasy finger smears on the cupboards? It would literally take seconds to give them a quick wipe down. I don't think OPs issue is with finger marks anyway, it's with the choice (and not inability) to do as little as possible with as little thought as is possible. Like a child would.