Dropping the wifework

[monkeysaymoo]

Have been doing this since christmas when I told DH that I didn't want to do all the xmas shopping for his family and he could choose to do it himself or tell them that this year we wouldn't be taking part in exchanging gifts except for children (he chose not to exchange gifts this year - fine with me his family is huge and it costs a fortune) anyway it was wonderful not to have to do all the xmas shopping and it kind of set the ball rolling really.

I no longer wash his work clothes (I will put other stuff on with mine though), I don't iron anymore (he offered to start doing it on a sunday and if he chooses not do then it gets sent off to be ironed), I don't take responsibility for birthday/mothers day gifts for his side either anymore.

We're going on holiday tomorrow and normally I would pack for him (why???) but have just said "I've left your case on the bed for you when you're ready to pack'

I have my own bedroom (we're both terrible sleepers!) and I no longer clean his room or strip and make his beds.

what's been interesting is I haven't had to make any great declaration that I'm not doing it anymore, I've just stopped and DH has just done it for himself and doesn't seem to have noticed that I'm not doing it anymore which leads me to wonder (in my case) how they became my jobs in the first place. DH is a good guy and has always more than pulled his weight but I do feel noticeably less stressed not just by the not doing but by the not having to think about what needs doing so much.

Not exactly ground breaking feminism I know but wondering what else I do that I don't realise that others consider 'wifework'?

On that, Duck, DH has been exemplary. I know that MIL has told him what I ought to be doing with hair clips, and he hasn't felt the need to pass the message on!

What is wrong with the person who is best at the job doing it, male or female?

Nothing at all.

Unless the same genders keep being "best" at particular jobs, in which case you've got to wonder if something structural is going on. For example,

"My dh does all the decorating as I'm crap. "

Why is he good? Why are you crap?

I wish I had a home PA.

Me too. (But secretly I think I would be thinking that he/she is not as good as me. So how about this: I wish I'm paid for being the fucking home PA? With pension contributions and all that.)

Yes, but us wishing that we had a home PA is part of the problem !

Our DPs don't wish that they had a home PA because they already do: it's us.

Aaaaaaaaargh.

YES! to home PA. And yes to already being one. I quite often think that I need a wife from the 1950s.

I completely agree that it's the thinking that's hard. The sheer organisation of running a house and paying bills and arranging birthday parties and swimming lessons and dentist appointments and blah blah blah...

Urgh. I find myself becomibg impatient when colleagues at work (both genders, usually with no DC!) supposedly organising things don't think of stuff that needs doing and expect the magic fairy to sort it out!

OP, I am late to this and I don't know if you are still here. But just to say, no, I do not think it was a mistake to post this on the feminism board. In general, feminists are more inclined than non-feminists to recognise the existence of wifework and its unfair tendency to sit with women, rather than men, even with the women who recognise it and are self identifying feminists.

HOWEVER.

There is a strand of ranty MN -ism - very recognisable on AIBU - which is aggressively determined to declare, "problem? What problem! Or if there is one, it's all your own fault." Where this board can lean that way is when a sub set of mn-ers (FWR regulars? Not sure, some of them probably) insist that "my husband does all the ironing, so either your husband does too, or you are grabbing the ironing off him and refusing to let him do it".

It bloody infuriates me, frankly. I think one of the key insights of second wave feminism is that romantic partnerships can be a racket; and that iconising romance and never dissing your partner and doing all kinds of shit "for wuv" plays a huge part in keeping women in their place. There is a kind of shocked horror at times on here when posters realise that not all women are with perfect men, and not all women can or want to leave, for a web of complicated reasons. To me, this is the reinforcement of "the resentment that dare not speak its name" - never EVER speak against LOVE! - which is extremely regressive and oppressive in its results in shoring up this romantic hegemony.

On wifework - this is the real day to day intractable first world problem for women. If you even do half an hour a day more than your husband - and I bet 90% of women do, counting three tens minutes' a day where they are running round "just" doing something before going out, pottering in the kitchen getting things ready for 10 minutes while he is still in bed etc - while the husband is sitting on his arse, etc - then over a year that amounts to about 4 WEEKS you are working while he is sitting on his arse. It's fucking infuriating when you think about it. If you had 4 extra weeks, to do anything you wanted, how much happier and relaxed do you think you would be?

(I doubt it is as little as half an hour a day for the vast majority of women)

So. Good luck on your mission and well done for doing so much already.
IF you get it equal, you will be in the vast majority.
And come back and tell us all how you did it.

On the other hand:

My dp takes care of all gifts etc for his mother
She always thanks me.

Sometimes I didn't even know what he got her.

I always tell her "Oh, glad you like it but DP got that for you" but she doesn't hear it.

I should try to take some kind of pleasure in this as if it mitigates against all the other times people have taken credit for what I have done. but I don't. It's horrible.

thank you for your post talkingofmichaelongelo I was funnily enough just thinking about this thread today.

Things are channging just small things as and when I stop and think "hang on a minute"

Case in point we are going away tomorrow and usually I would be baring the burden of packing and organising this time it's been very much a joint operation. I told DH last week he would need to sort currency and decided not to mention it again, he toddled off to tesco today with children in tow to do it and managed to come back with currency, something for dinner, new pants for everyone (even me) apparently you can never have too many. He's done all the ironing and packed his own suitcase, made dinner and put kids to bed. Best of all he hasn't expected a big pat on the back and i've not offered one. Not that I don't appreciate what he does but hey it's what I do all the time.

I have made a conscious decision that actually no the house does not need deep cleaning top to bottom the day before you go away (not sure how I convinced myself it did) and have had a spray tan instead (ok not very feminist but without it there is a slight risk I may be mistaken for a floating corpse in the hotel pool) I'm slowly realising that many of life's demands are ones I have placed on myself as I saw it as my job.

I'm also realising we can make changes without having a big huffy my life is harder than your argument.

that's really good news monkeymoo

What a wonderful update, I hope your holiday is wonderful and that the balance of responsibilities continues to be assessed 'as and when'

Great update. New pants for everyone

"and on and on and on". Yes, this.

I feel like my brain is like a computer with eleventy billion tabs open.

Mamadoc I know exactly what you mean. STBXH thought he was being all modern doing the washing up and bins and doing a few school runs but all the blardy thinking about stuff always felll to me, and whenever I mentioned it, he miniimised the task and said "that'll only take a few minutes"

Thing is, it was always out of MY time, not HIS. And those minutes add up, before you know it you've spent hours doing what should be joint household stuff!

"I feel like my brain is like a computer with eleventy billion tabs open."

Yes!

Hi OP, I see wifework as being all the traditional housewife chores- cooking, cleaning, washing- while all the husband work ones are the DIY, maintenance etc. That's purely how I see the words because that was the way my parents did things.

As a result DH and I work together to do everything together, often he cooks while I make sandwiches for the morning etc and we alternate washing up. Seeinging everything in my parents life being 'his' and 'her' chores, I knew I didn't want a DP who expected that. Luckily DH never felt that way, he's always been very happy to share and doesn't see jobs as being segregative, he'd love to be SAHD but we'd never be able to afford.

I hate the notion that the woman should be responsible for cards etc, I always challenge my parents when they moan about not getting a card from my male relations because 'they have a wife/partner who should remind or do.