Dropping the wifework

[monkeysaymoo]

Have been doing this since christmas when I told DH that I didn't want to do all the xmas shopping for his family and he could choose to do it himself or tell them that this year we wouldn't be taking part in exchanging gifts except for children (he chose not to exchange gifts this year - fine with me his family is huge and it costs a fortune) anyway it was wonderful not to have to do all the xmas shopping and it kind of set the ball rolling really.

I no longer wash his work clothes (I will put other stuff on with mine though), I don't iron anymore (he offered to start doing it on a sunday and if he chooses not do then it gets sent off to be ironed), I don't take responsibility for birthday/mothers day gifts for his side either anymore.

We're going on holiday tomorrow and normally I would pack for him (why???) but have just said "I've left your case on the bed for you when you're ready to pack'

I have my own bedroom (we're both terrible sleepers!) and I no longer clean his room or strip and make his beds.

what's been interesting is I haven't had to make any great declaration that I'm not doing it anymore, I've just stopped and DH has just done it for himself and doesn't seem to have noticed that I'm not doing it anymore which leads me to wonder (in my case) how they became my jobs in the first place. DH is a good guy and has always more than pulled his weight but I do feel noticeably less stressed not just by the not doing but by the not having to think about what needs doing so much.

Not exactly ground breaking feminism I know but wondering what else I do that I don't realise that others consider 'wifework'?

mamadoc, any chance of you getting a cleaner? This has really helped me.

In your example of the bathroom at weekends you are getting the bum deal: your H is doing stuff with the DC and you are doing drudge cleaning!

we see it, mamadoc

Once I am back to work full time a cleaner is the first thing I'll be arranging!

You're not going mad but it doesn't help if others around you are telling you that there isn't a problem. DH loves to make little jokes about "Oooh you wait next time my mum's here I'm gonna tell her that I was only allowed to watch rugby if I did the ironing at the same time". Now DH is happy to iron, drink beer and watch rugby at the same time but my IL's would certainly judge me and SIL would gush at how lucky I am

DH has argued a couple of times that I should do more at home because I work shorter hours (he works FT++) and have limited prospects to earn as much (same "level" of jobs but different sectors and my unwillingness to work long hours). He works in a male-dominated field and team where long hours are the norm. Most of his fellow employees with children have wives who don't work.

I know lots of other women in a similar situation. to be fair to my DH he does the most at home of the men, and far more with the DC, he's doing some flexible working after a lot of negativity from his employer, turns down work travel and does not have more leisure time than me. That doesn't excuse the shitty argument though!

I probably should get a cleaner. I expect we could afford it.
I actually don't mind cleaning. I find it quite satisfying.
I hate tidying much, much more. Our house is often pretty messy and I have always worried that a cleaner would judge that.

It might help a bit but guess who would be sourcing the cleaner, arranging, managing, paying....

What I really would like is to not feel ultimately responsible for all things domestic. I wish I had a home PA.

I think how many tasks become wifework after children is because, if you are at home, even for a short time, it is easy to take on things to fill your time/free the weekend. So many tasks are interdependent that It is easier to do/plan/buy this so that now you can do that, which leads to the other. Before you know it, even if things were well divided, you have taken over much so you don't have to wait until he has time. The longer you are at home, the more tasks you take over. In most cases, the out of the house working parent may not notice, others may take advantage and actively delay or ignore tasks you didnt intend to do, until you take them on by default, and in still others, they give up trying to keep ahead of the at home parent.

mamadoc, yes, I know!

Bloody book day costumes, red nose day now is costume too. ALWAYS the mums job

as is (in our house)

• ferrying dc to birthday parties/friends
• buying presents for parties
• organising own kids' parties, invites, cake, part bags etc.
• organising any outing
• being responsible for every single meal
• being responsible for the kids getting any vitamins (if I am out they are straight to McD, easy option for DH)
• remembering bin day
• remembering dentist/opticians/hayfever meds
• doing ALL school forms ( about 2 per kid per week on fuck knows what)

the thing that bugs me is that I do all the lifework, but ALSO am responsible for insurance, car maintenance, garden work and DIY.

DH is "modern" as in not doing stereotypical "men's work", but neither does he cook or shop.

So he works 9-5, and everything else is my responsibility. And it grates at times!!!

and the sad thing is I am a highly educated woman.

But I guess I have mainly myself to blame, as I signed up to be main carer for kids and drop work.

Thanks BFP and all on the thread. It is good to feel someone else gets it.

and a cleaner is not a fairy who calmly leaves your house wonderful and fresh.

I have a lovely one now, if she comes (if something need s sorting/cleaning, a man thinks: "must find me a woman to do this", sad then that a woman also thinks:"must find me a (cleaning) woman to do this". ironic in a way. Cleaning and boring shit = women's task) but she is often unwell, has a complicated life, needs to talk about this complicated life for at least 15-20 minutes when she comes. Cuppa here, cuppa there. I cannot just treat her like a robot. Sometimes it is easier if she doesn't come.

That is the reality of it.

I'm so surprised you did those things in the first place! Particularly buying his Mother's Day gifts and packing for him. When did it all start? What made you do it the first time?
It's great you've stopped though.

My next door neighbour's cleaner is a man but either way it's more a case of I will pay someone do this rather than must find another woman to do this.

i actually think it was his family that sucked me into the gift thing his sisters are big on doing 'joint' gifts/surprises and once we were married they started phoning me to organise it all rather than him and back in those days I quite liked them all so wanted to be seen as friendly and kind and it some how seemed rude to say "Er not my mum speak to DH".

Packing? Well honestly don't know how that one started I think it may have been that pre DC I loved packing for holidays and it was all part of the fun for me now it's just another bloody chore!

Yes we do get it. I have begun to suspect that more women in RL get it than let on, perhaps because they fear their own or partners' anger, or the negativity women who challenge things get.

Baby ganoush, fair point about low-paid "women's" occupations, but dispute the idea that not wanting to chat for 20mins and listen to her woes would mean not treating her as human!

Stopping the gift thing has been made easier by the fact that some of his family haven't been particularly nice recently and I am trying to place some distance between myself and them without forcing DH into a difficult position. Being chief gift buyer is one thing doing it for people who don't seem to like you very much is a bit of a kick in the crotch!

The first cleaner I had was a man. I don't have one at the moment but really should get one. It was difficult when we had a much loved but blind, senile and incontinent cat. I couldn't really expect a cleaner to clean up around him if he had an accident.

mamadoc a cleaner won't judge you for having an untidy house but unless you're willing to pay enough hours for him/her to tidy up and clean it won't work. They will use up cleaning time doing tidying so that they get to the bits that need cleaning.

A compromise might be to get cleaner to do bathroom, kitchen, hall and public rooms but not bedrooms. You can quickly "tidy up" before they come by throwing everything into a bedroom.

I do the bulk of household management tasks. I'm a SAHM right now, but would still be doing the 'wifework' if I was working FT. DH is in one of those professions which rely on employees either being single (and not having much of a life), or having a partner to sort out family life. He's away a lot, often at short notice, from days to months at a time. Obviously I have to take care of everything while he's away, and I think it's too disruptive for everyone if he temporarily takes over the wifework while he's home again.

I rebel where I can . I don't iron. When he's home, I'll wash his work clothes if I'm doing a load, but making sure he has everything ready for work is his responsibility. I consider contact with his family to be primarily his responsibility (I suspect his in laws blame me for the lack of cards, etc.) I'd never dream of packing a suitcase for him. When he is home in the evening/ on the weekend, what's left of the housework is a joint responsibility, and childcare duties default to him as far as possible.

DH does do nearly all the cooking when he's home, despite the insistence of many MNers that this is a SAHP job. He's always been the 'default cook.' I still do the meal planning though, and we're expecting his hours to change next year, so I'll have to take over the cooking when that happens.

Mamadoc, the description of the girls cooing for the boys in your houses shows where you picked stuff up. Just don't do it, I expect it is harder as you have started out so much, but as you are the breadwinner. I would just put my foot down, and say I haven't got time to be worried about world book day

Realisations like this are painful! Examining one's own actions is hard. I work ft, DH and I earn exactly the same. We split childcare and cleaning etc. I was brought up by a feminist single mother. I still feel guilty every time I have a lie in or go out on my own at the weekend and I have to stop myself from micromanaging him with the children (he doesn't need it). Conditioning runs deep!

The only 'wifework' I do is plaiting Dd's hair and DSC's nail cutting.

DP takes it upon himself to do other things that need done as and when required.

It is a big feminist issue and I think this is a good place to post this.

Yes, the plaiting. Every now and then I make DH watch, but his styling of the hair is still normally limited to commenting 'good grief Dd, have you brushed that? Let's get going'

My dh plaited hair once, he did a better job than me, but I was terrible.
DD learned to do it herself.

Ok, I have a stupid question to ask

Why is everybody calling domestic chores and caring women's work?
Surely, by doing this you are encouraging your o/h to treat the jobs as yours.
What is wrong with the person who is best at the job doing it, male or female?
My dh does all the decorating as I'm crap. It's not a man's job as we are equal, so just as much my job as his.
He also does the maintenance and DIY, again I'm shit at it, not a mans job though, I have plenty of female friends who do this.

Because traditionally it's been treated as such.
It shouldn't be down to women to delineate and appoint household tasks.

I don't use myself as an example in these kinds of discussions as I don't live a conventional lifestyle. That doesn't mean I deny it happens, or that it's a genuine issue for many/most. Social conditioning runs deep, as PP said.

it's not a stupid question morethan - it's from the book linked to above (though it may have been coined before that) and is a catch-all term. in a sense it's a sarcastic term because it's not necessarily that a woman thinks this stuff is exclusively her job (and certainly no one here thinks that afaik), but much of society makes that assumption and it's clear how easy it is for this stuff to become the woman's sole responsibility. so it's not about it being a self-fulfilling prophecy, but an expression of the reality of the situation.

here is a (funny) example of a woman realising that she holds responsibility for something that she never intended to and for no good reason www.eehbahmum.com/who-made-me-keeper-of-the-fridge/

Wifework isn't a list of specific jobs, nor is it synonymous with "women's work". Wifework is husband maintenance. The extra work (not just chores, but organisational and emotional responsibilities too) that a woman takes on when she is a part of a couple, as a result of being part of a couple. So no, a single man shopping for his own presents is not doing wifework, because he is maintaining himself.

Aah yes, plaits. I have had SO many negative comments from other women about DD's hair being messy (often when DH does it). Or (new) mess on her clothes. From friends, relatives, and school mums.

Weird combo of expectations from these people that DD should look pretty (in their eyes) and that I should make it so. Ridiculous. Anyway, DD doesn't give a damn what her hair looks like!