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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Dropping the wifework

168 replies

monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 14:15

Have been doing this since christmas when I told DH that I didn't want to do all the xmas shopping for his family and he could choose to do it himself or tell them that this year we wouldn't be taking part in exchanging gifts except for children (he chose not to exchange gifts this year - fine with me his family is huge and it costs a fortune) anyway it was wonderful not to have to do all the xmas shopping and it kind of set the ball rolling really.

I no longer wash his work clothes (I will put other stuff on with mine though), I don't iron anymore (he offered to start doing it on a sunday and if he chooses not do then it gets sent off to be ironed), I don't take responsibility for birthday/mothers day gifts for his side either anymore.

We're going on holiday tomorrow and normally I would pack for him (why???) but have just said "I've left your case on the bed for you when you're ready to pack'

I have my own bedroom (we're both terrible sleepers!) and I no longer clean his room or strip and make his beds.

what's been interesting is I haven't had to make any great declaration that I'm not doing it anymore, I've just stopped and DH has just done it for himself and doesn't seem to have noticed that I'm not doing it anymore which leads me to wonder (in my case) how they became my jobs in the first place. DH is a good guy and has always more than pulled his weight but I do feel noticeably less stressed not just by the not doing but by the not having to think about what needs doing so much.

Not exactly ground breaking feminism I know but wondering what else I do that I don't realise that others consider 'wifework'?

OP posts:
ChopperGordino · 07/04/2015 20:05

The thing that frustrates me a lot is that it can become an extra layer of responsibility on women to be vigilant that they don't end up assuming responsibility for the majority of the wifework. And if they have failed in that then it's because they were weak or stupid or something.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2015 20:08

One of the only major arguments I have ever had with my (beloved) MIL is when she tried to guilt trip me for not

  1. doing H's ironing
  2. remembering and writing all the birthday/xmas cards and organising gifts for both sides of the family
  3. being the one to always organise family visits and prompt my H to call far-flung ones regularly

I do my own fair share of keeping the house clean and organised and bringing up the dc, but after that he's on his own. She just could not credit it (she can now...)

TheEggityOddity · 07/04/2015 20:10

I do all this "wife work" as I'm currently taking a career break to look after a toddler. Does that mean I can't be a feminist?

makeminea6x · 07/04/2015 20:10

Hmm. Well I stayed at home for 10 months with each child. But now we do equal amounts of "child care" (although my husband works more hours on days he works so I think it fair that I do some extra stuff).
He would not even think about taking the kids to the dentist, because he doesn't go. He doesn't organise health visitor appts (not that there have been many). He wouldn't take the kids to be weighed (but then I only do it because I'm nosy. He wouldn't plan shoes....

Or would he? Just he only not do it because I do?

makeminea6x · 07/04/2015 20:12

theeggity I think most here define a feminist as someone who thinks s/he is one.

Original poster
monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 20:12

I've been berated for putting my name first on cards I've sent to dh's family.

SIL always comments that I sign her birthday card love monkey and monkeyDH as she is DH's sister not mine so his name should go first?!

OP posts:
bonniebear · 07/04/2015 20:13

I expect he would if no one else did it. I would never arrange health visitor appointments or anything like that, as what would the point be if I wasn't going to be in when it happens?

makeminea6x · 07/04/2015 20:14

As we both do midweek "childcare" it would be possible for either of us to go to those appointments. But I try to arrange it for when I can go. I'm not sure why.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2015 20:16

As well as my above examples, I would also class "wifework" as monitoring your H's health and nagging him to make medical appts, deferring to his opinion on family purchases, "thanking" him for "helping" with household tasks, labelling his sole care of the dc as "babysitting"

lots of women buy into these gender defined "roles" (and men just love that they do and a minority will get quite uppity if you refuse to comply)

AnyFucker · 07/04/2015 20:17

Eggity

no, why would it ?

TheEggityOddity · 07/04/2015 20:19

I bet 90% of birthday cards are sold to women. That's a whole industry based on wife work.

WastingMyYoungYears · 07/04/2015 20:28

Fuck, I do heaps of these things, because I'm 'better' at them Confused. It's just infantilising men though, isn't it?

A 'positive' stereotype (women are good at multi-tasking / organising) that actually has a crap outcome (women have to do everything family-related). Well, a crap outcome for women.

HagOtheNorth · 07/04/2015 20:32

'The thing that frustrates me a lot is that it can become an extra layer of responsibility on women to be vigilant that they don't end up assuming responsibility for the majority of the wifework.'

And that's one of the reasons that I often stumble into a tarpit on these boards. Because when I was young and learning about what feminism was and how it functioned in my life, it was back in the 70s. The people I read and learnt from felt it was important to challenge and to understand why you did things. To be vigilant.To not accept that wifework and subordination was your lot in life. To not wait for someone to rescue you, to ask why and then rescue yourself.

nickelbarapasaurus · 07/04/2015 20:32

ah, yes, the shoulder of responsibility.

traditional etiquette dictates that the woman od the house writes the correspondence, and any correspondence is addressed to her, therefore, that makes it wifework.

so, of course, if we assume the role of writing cards and remembering birthdays, making appointments etc, then we're doing wifework - regardless of what actually happens these days.

I do my own cards - i sort out presents and cards to my family and friends, and DH does the ones for his.
at christmas, we discuss each year who is doing the mutual ones. It usually falls to him because i really CBA writing cards. thankfully our mutual ones are all ones whom we see very close to the day (eg choir) and don't have to worry about last posting dates.
DD's birthday is about 2 weeks before christmas, so since she was born, we have become crap at remembering to do cards. Blush (he took full responsiblity for them on the year she was born, and included birth announcements in each!)

but yeah, i do the dr's appts (he does his own and his own dentist's) for dd and i go to them if it's not his day off, and i do all the playgroup things.

We had huge fun with getting her a nursery place, because i cannot use the phone, and we both have such poor memories that i never got round to reminding him to ring round when he finished work (and it didn't occur to him to think about it becauase he's not here during the day). Eventually, he did ring and got her in a place, but 2 days before the end of term!

Original poster
monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 20:33

I have had the multi tasking debate with other women recently. My friend is adamant her DH can't multi-task I queried how he managed to become the managing director of a large company with the ability to only think about and carry out one task at a time.

OP posts:
nickelbarapasaurus · 07/04/2015 20:36
Grin

dh really can't multi-task. but he's not in a highpowered job.
however, he can use both arms and feet at the same time (he's the church organist), but he can't sing and play (even the piano) simultaneously, and it took him ages to learn to sing and conduct together.

he does things step by step, and it works for him.

bonniebear · 07/04/2015 20:40

I can multitask and great at organising, dh never believes I can read and listen until I repeat it back word for word. He just can't do that and he says it's a man thing. I can't do many practical tasks can't really cook, iron, not really the greatest driver, can't really do diy.

ChopperGordino · 07/04/2015 20:43

HagOtheNorth I think it is important to do those things, I'm not taking anything for granted. But when the reason for women being in situations where they are unhappily bearing responsibility for the majority of the work that keeps the household going becomes that they were too lax in making sure that the work was shared evenly - it feels like another "well why didn't you ask me to do it" being levelled at women.

StillLostAtTheStation · 07/04/2015 20:44

I find the expression "wife work" extremely irritating. Who uses it outside of MN. It's just another self-chosen martyrdom. Ooh look at me, I'm expected to do all the housework.

Do it or don't do, fix up a proper rota or don't, it's your choice.

And if you don't work and your children are at school presumably doing housework whist your partner is at work is your job anyway?

ChopperGordino · 07/04/2015 20:45

It's from a book, still. It wasn't made up by MN

StillLostAtTheStation · 07/04/2015 20:48

I've been berated for putting my name first on cards I've sent to dh's family

In 27 years I have never sent a card to any member of my husband's family. No idea of most of their addresses let alone their birthdays. If he wants to send them Christmas or birthday cards that's up to him, it's nothing to do with me.

StillLostAtTheStation · 07/04/2015 20:49

It's still irritating and martyred.

bonniebear · 07/04/2015 20:49

Well in the ops case her dh never asked her to do it, doesn't even care or notice if she didn't do it, so he can't really be blamed. She didn't really ever have to do it

HagOtheNorth · 07/04/2015 20:52

More than that, he's doing it himself. Just like a grown-up.

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