Dropping the wifework

[monkeysaymoo]

Have been doing this since christmas when I told DH that I didn't want to do all the xmas shopping for his family and he could choose to do it himself or tell them that this year we wouldn't be taking part in exchanging gifts except for children (he chose not to exchange gifts this year - fine with me his family is huge and it costs a fortune) anyway it was wonderful not to have to do all the xmas shopping and it kind of set the ball rolling really.

I no longer wash his work clothes (I will put other stuff on with mine though), I don't iron anymore (he offered to start doing it on a sunday and if he chooses not do then it gets sent off to be ironed), I don't take responsibility for birthday/mothers day gifts for his side either anymore.

We're going on holiday tomorrow and normally I would pack for him (why???) but have just said "I've left your case on the bed for you when you're ready to pack'

I have my own bedroom (we're both terrible sleepers!) and I no longer clean his room or strip and make his beds.

what's been interesting is I haven't had to make any great declaration that I'm not doing it anymore, I've just stopped and DH has just done it for himself and doesn't seem to have noticed that I'm not doing it anymore which leads me to wonder (in my case) how they became my jobs in the first place. DH is a good guy and has always more than pulled his weight but I do feel noticeably less stressed not just by the not doing but by the not having to think about what needs doing so much.

Not exactly ground breaking feminism I know but wondering what else I do that I don't realise that others consider 'wifework'?

Well he is not really some he isn't doing cause he isn't bothered whether it is done or not.

I do all this "wife work" as I'm currently taking a career break to look after a toddler. Does that mean I can't be a feminist?

But it's not "wife work" it's what needs to be done to maintain a standard of hygiene and stocked cupboards to maintain civilisation in your home and which you do whilst he's out doing his job. How high or low that standard is, is of course entirely up for debate and should not mean you work harder than him.

if you find the subject matter of a thread "irritating and martyred" then why not look or don't look, it's your choice

hello, just come back and noticed the comments from my last post.
I didn't mean that men like this don't exist or that some women aren't expected to do women's work, but that it doesn't have to be this way and you don't have to do it.
For me it was important to find a man who shared the same values as me, and for me it wasn't about a career but not being treated like a skivvy and that general housekeeping and cleanliness were no more my responsibility than dh's.

monkeysaymoo, I'm not understanding why you are regretting posting here. Most of the regular FWR folk have been sympathetic towards you and agree with you. And none of them have questioned how 'feminist' you may be (or anyone else who does wifework).

For me it's the little things like getting the right clothes in the right drawers for the children and shaking out the clothes before you dry them so it minimises the ironing. Appointments for the children, hair, doctors, dentist, parties etc etc.

And multi-tasking (or lack of it) is just another excuse to get women to do more work.

The wife work in my house includes: being responsible for virtually everything school and kids related; knowing where everything is all the time (mummy where's my......?); virtually all cleaning except the absolute daily stuff like washing up which we share; planning, shopping for and cooking almost every meal; anything that requires an appointment/ timed anything eg. Getting quotes, doctors, haircuts, deliveries; all holiday packing for kids and myself and non-clothing items like sunscreen ( DH puts own pair of pants in tesco bag on morning of travel); all reminders of family birthdays but I don't buy for his family since we rowed about it; plus absolutely myriad other things. DH manages finances, pays bills, puts bins out, orders firewood and drills things into Walls. If I don't do the things, no one does them, and the stress of things being disorganised and the house being filthy means that I just do it anyway. The only thing I don't clean is DH's shower as I don't use it ever - it looks like the before shot in the cillit bang ad. There's another post on here about MIL's false views of DH - my MIL thinks I'm the messy one, and isn't it nice that I'm so relaxed about housework.

As I am the one that is at home and not working due to disability (I do paint though), I do the home things. My stbdh works, however any chores at the weekend get divided without discussion, we just get on and do.

During the week though, I make all pack lunches, that's the dc and stbdh, evening meals, washing cleaning, child things. If I worked these would be down to both of us to do, but as I am at home I just get on and do.

I also do little things for stbdh such as make sure coffee pot is clean for the morning, get his cloths out ready as I do mine the night before. I ask him if there are any errands he needs done, such as picking up his suit from dry cleaners etc. I do these things as I am around to do them and I think that as he works bloody hard as well as doing our home up in the evenings (self build type thing) the least I can do is pick up the slack on the home front. I class myself as an equalitist, I also love cooking and enjoy pottering, it suits us both.

He brings me coffee in bed at the weekends and on the day he works from home once a week. He knows that I need lots of sleep so he is happy for me to lie in at weekends. He is hugely supportive of my art project and doesn't bat an eye lid when I am tranced out painting for hours!

I have always been home proud and like to be fairly organised in a haphazard kind of way.

Do I think that what I do is wifework? No I do sahp work.

but some things aren't important.
we only make them so

like, for example - i learned that before we lived together (and after DH's mum became infirm), a woman in our choir took DH's surplice to wash and iron at christmas and easter (when she did her own).
she stopped doing it when I moved in - i assume i was expected to do it.
I never did.
The first time it needed to be done after i moved in, he washed both of ours, and i stood there with my ironing board opposite his ironing board, showing him how to do it, because he'd never done it before (and they're weird shapes)
i was not going to do it for him!

He then had responsibility for his own surplice.

since DD was born, my surplice has been washed many times (children are disgustingly dirty and greasy and my surplice has suffered many greasy dirty hands) but it hasn't been ironed. I haven't got a clue whether DH has ironed his.

having said that, he never ironed anything else, and i've stopped ironing too.
i iron posh clothes for a wedding or some-such, and i iron when i'm sewing (because that's necessary), but other than that, i don't iron.

I don't know scallops I'm generally on the defensive at the moment I think because I seem to be at a period in my life where I am questioning a lot of things (and people) and I'm struggling to articulate it both in real life and here I guess. I find FWR folk to be extremely articulate so I'm probably feeling out of my depth.

Oh it's very easy to get defensive about a subject like this. This type of work creeps up on you and suddenly you find yourself doing it. And some of it is important and needs to get done, like almondcakes was saying. So if you don't do it who will? Other stuff maybe just the icing on the cake but the societal pressure is still there for it to be done. By the woman!

these "realisations" can be fucking painful

like being punched right in the belly

The reason for my first comment was that the majority of responses that the op had received at that point were of the 'i don't understand what on earth you mean as my partner and I split things equally' variety. Good for you, respondents, but some of us have foolishly ended up in 1950s type set ups that we regret.

Yes it's mentally sifting through the important stuff that is part of being the at home parent (although no longer at home full time) and is reasonable in terms of division of labour against what actually are non essentials that seem to have mysteriously become ingrained in the day to day running of family life.

I'm glad you came back Pootle I'm sorry I totally misread your first post

If you find the subject matter of a thread "irritating and martyred" then why not look or don't look, it's your choice

Well that should encourage debate - we can all nod in agreement or say nothing .

I think it's a silly expression.

Ah Pootle, that would explain it. Up til your post, only 2 FWR regulars had responded, neither of them in the style you suggest. Really sorry you're not happy with your set up. Anything we could do to help?

Monkey, you seem to be articulating your difficulties really well as far as I can see. AnyFucker is always really good on stuff like this.

High handedness and smuggery never "encouraged" debate in my experience.

I don't like the term play date bugs the crap out of me but it serves it's purpose as a quick definition of something and I used the term wife work in the same way. Granted it's not a great expression but for the purposes of my OP it does what it says on the tin.

My DP has always been hopeless at wifework - he was single for a long time and just didn't bother doing stuff really. I grew up in a house full of women with one hardworking but pandered-to man (my DF) who used to do random things like make marmalade that created lovely stuff but also work for other people. Now we've been together 10 years, I'd say things are not far off equal between DP and me, although increasingly when they aren't I get cross and notice. He does always clean up when the cat is sick, though.

I really should get around to buying and reading that book. I have a feeling it might help put a name to my frustrations.

I am the main wage earner (both FT but I earn more) and yet also the main child carer, cleaner and household organiser. This feels very unfair and I am not sure how it came to be this way.

Things I never do
Write his family's b'day or Christmas cards
Pack his case
Make his lunch
Do any ironing at all
(I have always drawn the line on things that as an adult I feel he should do and of course did himself before he met me. He has never expected me to do this stuff)

Things I do most of but he does a bit
Shopping
Cooking
Laundry
Washing up
Cleaning
(He used to do these himself before he met me to a good standard. I think it was post kids they started to fall to me possibly on mat leave. He will do them but not usually without prompting)

Things I do pretty much all of
Childrens clothes and shoes
Children's haircuts, dentist, health appts
School admin; dress up days, parents evening etc
Holidays
Leisure stuff; play dates, swimming and dance lessons, birthdays
Childcare; paying for and organising
(He does not seem to ever think of these. He completely assumes I will manage all child related admin stuff)

Things he does all of
Breakfasts and packed lunches for DC
Car MOT, service etc
Puts out bins
Gardening and DIY (theoretically, in fact none happens)

Things that we genuinely share
School drop off and pick up
Childcare generally
(He would put shopping and cooking in here as well)

We have talked about it and he fundamentally disagrees that I do more. He feels he does his fair share. He compares himself to his own dad (and mine) and most other men he knows and it is true that he does more or a similar amount. However many of these men have SAHPs.

Many people eg MIL and his family generally plus other school run parents think he is basically a saint because he does school drop offs and takes annual leave for some holidays, 'You're so lucky that your DH will do that'. Funnily enough no-one ever thinks that he is lucky that I earn a good stable income.

Much of the organising is invisible to him.
He says he is not unwilling to do some of it but it never really occurs to him eg that DS shoes are getting too small or DD needs a haircut.
He feels I should prompt him to do it and can't see that it's the 'buck always stops with me' thing that I object to.
I hate the sentence 'oh what are WE doing about [insert random DC related task eg parents evening, nursery application, birthday party]' as this means 'what have YOU done about it'

I resent it but I don't know how to resolve it. I don't feel I can just stop doing DC related stuff as they will suffer.

mamadoc, I expect if you read that book you will get fucking furious

I actually feel a bit guilty after this thread as looking at it DH does 60-65% of the 'wife work' in our house. I did joke with him the other day that I don't even know where the Hoover is kept, and then I realised that I actually didn't have any idea where he kept the Hoover.

Ha! occasionally DH has tried to compare himself to other men we know in a your lucky I'm not like so and so, which I basically tell him is like ds's rather rubbish football team being triumphant at technically winning a game because the other team forfeited.

mamadoc, that's a really interesting list - I wonder what mine would like if I wrote it out.

DH and I do share quite a lot of jobs I suppose. But it also feels like there are some things that would just never get done if I didn't do them .

Maybe I should write out my list after all, grr.