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Original poster

Dropping the wifework

168 replies

monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 14:15

Have been doing this since christmas when I told DH that I didn't want to do all the xmas shopping for his family and he could choose to do it himself or tell them that this year we wouldn't be taking part in exchanging gifts except for children (he chose not to exchange gifts this year - fine with me his family is huge and it costs a fortune) anyway it was wonderful not to have to do all the xmas shopping and it kind of set the ball rolling really.

I no longer wash his work clothes (I will put other stuff on with mine though), I don't iron anymore (he offered to start doing it on a sunday and if he chooses not do then it gets sent off to be ironed), I don't take responsibility for birthday/mothers day gifts for his side either anymore.

We're going on holiday tomorrow and normally I would pack for him (why???) but have just said "I've left your case on the bed for you when you're ready to pack'

I have my own bedroom (we're both terrible sleepers!) and I no longer clean his room or strip and make his beds.

what's been interesting is I haven't had to make any great declaration that I'm not doing it anymore, I've just stopped and DH has just done it for himself and doesn't seem to have noticed that I'm not doing it anymore which leads me to wonder (in my case) how they became my jobs in the first place. DH is a good guy and has always more than pulled his weight but I do feel noticeably less stressed not just by the not doing but by the not having to think about what needs doing so much.

Not exactly ground breaking feminism I know but wondering what else I do that I don't realise that others consider 'wifework'?

OP posts:
almondcakes · 07/04/2015 19:06

Gilbert, I think there is an undercurrent of that in some posts, but I did not mean yours just because of calendars. Sorry, this topic annoys me, because every time it seems to lead to people going, 'but why don't women just tell men to do their share, like my DH who looks after 27 kids and makes a baked alaska like I expect.'

I will try to be calmer.

Original poster
monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 19:06

I think CMOT's list pretty much sums it up for me and yup I do all those things.

Yes Hag I guess I have been musing over the 'why?' for a while.

Pootle I admit I regretted posting on the feminist board the second I pressed post message

OP posts:
blondegirl73 · 07/04/2015 19:07

Yep I do all that - I clean and do the laundry though my husband does cook (usually at weekends and Christmas dinner). But the thing I find really wears me out is all the organisation - everything to do with the kids and childcare/school/extra-curricular stuff like paying for football and cleaning football boots. Everything to do with the house - phoning people to mend things for example. Anything to do with money and paperwork like bank accounts/insurance/passport applications etc. All presents for our children and families. He looks after our cable TV and takes the car for its MOT once a year. It's exhausting and I have no idea how it got this way because it wasn't always like this. We both work.

Whathaveilost · 07/04/2015 19:08

Actually I like doing the meal planning, the cooking and general cleaning so I do them.
I don't like organising, shopping , laundry and sorting the kids homework out so DH does that. That said there's not a strict boundary sign between tasks. If something needs doing some one does it.
If I was to call it anything I call it team work. We didn't need any declarations of who does what.

HagOtheNorth · 07/04/2015 19:11

I usually regret posting on the feminist boards too, especially when the dialogue goes from not Christmas shopping to wifebeating and abuse faster than a Formula 1.
No middle ground for someone to stop and think 'Why am I doing this?'

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 07/04/2015 19:12

almondcakes - I see what you mean! I may have skim read and taken that slightly personally, I shall attempt to calm down too.

HagOtheNorth · 07/04/2015 19:15

So what could you share with your partner, blonde?
Look at all the shit you're doing, make a list and sit down and sort it out between you. Unless he is one of the

' men who want to beat their partners, emotionally and financially abuse them are likely to begin such a course of action. It can be no surprise that the milder form of that - making someone work on required tasks each week by refusing to contribute to them also begins. '

Original poster
monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 19:15

"No middle ground for someone to stop and think 'why am I doing this?'"

I agree, I 've been lurking on here for a while and have been trying to stop and think about a lot of things lately but Pootle's post does sum up this section of the board to me "If you're not a committed feminist and don't know your shit then don't post here"

It's a shame really.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 07/04/2015 19:17

Op

FWR is a good place for your post. I suspect that any part of MN would've got various responses. You can judge if you think they are more or less robust here!

YonicScrewdriver · 07/04/2015 19:18

Sigh.

Which posts didn't you like, OP?

HagOtheNorth · 07/04/2015 19:19

I think asking why you are doing something is an essential question.

TheCowThatLaughs · 07/04/2015 19:28

Pootle's post was agreeing and sympathising with the op wasn't it? Confused

nickelbarapasaurus · 07/04/2015 19:30

i would say that DH does mosto of the traditional WifeWork roles, but only the big things.

so he cooks, and he hoovers, and he does half of the laundry (maybe more, actually, because i hate putting away)

but i tend to do the little things that matter but aren't obvious - like reminding him to do stuff (which is not the best thing ,becuase i'm VERY forgetful!)- i had to ask him to get DD's prescription today, and when the pharmacy "didn't have it" i was the one who rang the doctor's to find out why. I'm sure that's because i was the one who requested it in teh first place, and also because i've had to do it before, the last time they lost it, rather than that it's wifework. (i'm pretty sure it was default wifework though)

also, he gets DD ready when he's home, but i seem to tell him every time she needs a nappy change, or to ask her what food she wants, or to offer her food. or to get her pyjamas and get her ready for bed etc
on sunday, we went to church without her lunchbox because i'd not thought about it and neither had he, even tough i always abdicate parenting on sunday morning. i have never, ever taen charge of sunday morning parenting, and yet it always seems to be me that makes sure she's got everything, a spare nappy, a cup of water and the lunchbox.
funny, because when he lived here without me, he was able to sort out everything to do with the cats and never needed any prompting...

so i wonder whether it's actually wifework or just what roles are naturally assigned to people through habit.
i started off being the chicken keepr, but i gave that up when i was pregnant and couldn't be arsed to get out of bed, and he's done it ever since.
apart from the anti-biotic, he won't do that because he's scared that he'll accidentally break the chicken's neck to get the medicine in, and i've done it before so i know what to do

so, yeah, mainly habit, but some wifework as predefined by tradition and society

Original poster
monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 19:32

Apologies if I have misinterpreted Pootle's post (sorry Pootle Blush )

OP posts:
Koalafications · 07/04/2015 19:36

I can't see anything in Pootle's post that fits your description, OP.

Original poster
monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 19:36

Although I do maintain that there is an undertone on this topic that this isn't the place for novices

OP posts:
Original poster
monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 19:37

Hence the apology Koala

OP posts:
bigkidsdidit · 07/04/2015 19:41

I can't see that in any posts Confused

For me wife work is not cleaning or cooking. It's the constant thinking ahead and planning. It's very wearing.

bonniebear · 07/04/2015 19:41

It is good you no longer feel stressed op. I do find it strange you did all those things in the first place as some I think would never occur to me to do

Koalafications · 07/04/2015 19:48

Sorry, my iPad keeps crashing I didn't see your apology to Pootle, OP.

Original poster
monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 19:53

Yes thinking and planning ahead IS probably far more draining than than the doing.

Bonnie you're right it is strange but when I was a SAHM for 10 years it somehow felt justified. I am not sure at what point pre DC I thought to myself "goodness now I'm married I'd better start packing for DH when we go on holiday" Confused

I used to work full time before dc but I do suspect that as the lower wage earner I somehow felt that I was obliged to match DH's financial contribution in other ways?

OP posts:
makeminea6x · 07/04/2015 19:56

Actually this topic seems quite accessible for me - hence braving posting!
I consider myself and my DH to be feminists but recognise I do most of the wife work listed (except we only have toddlers).
Some of it I think is reasonable, eg we have an agreement that he cooks and washes up because I don't like cooking, and in return I do laundry. This used to mean I did a lot less (we were married 10years before children) and now I do a bit more maybe.
The organisational stuff I find super stressful because I am very disorganised. So is he though. Hmmm
We did think about some "husband work" though - stuff I never even consider like buying wood and thinking about how to fix the heating and when to do it.

bonniebear · 07/04/2015 19:58

Some of those things I think you should do if you stay at home. I have rarely seen the health visitor, took my babies to be weighed, to the dentist, to get shoes. Again they are in the week jobs so why would the other parent do it . When they are off the places are often closed.

bonniebear · 07/04/2015 20:01

See I love the organisational part. I would much rather be the one saying do this, do that, than being the person actually having to do it.

Original poster
monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 20:05

Yes there are lots of jobs I do think it's right that I do. Haircuts for the dc's for example. Makes much more sense to go mid week when it's quieter and cheaper than to wait until DH is around at the weekend.

I don't mind doing the stuff that makes logistical sense.

OP posts:
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