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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Dropping the wifework

168 replies

monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 14:15

Have been doing this since christmas when I told DH that I didn't want to do all the xmas shopping for his family and he could choose to do it himself or tell them that this year we wouldn't be taking part in exchanging gifts except for children (he chose not to exchange gifts this year - fine with me his family is huge and it costs a fortune) anyway it was wonderful not to have to do all the xmas shopping and it kind of set the ball rolling really.

I no longer wash his work clothes (I will put other stuff on with mine though), I don't iron anymore (he offered to start doing it on a sunday and if he chooses not do then it gets sent off to be ironed), I don't take responsibility for birthday/mothers day gifts for his side either anymore.

We're going on holiday tomorrow and normally I would pack for him (why???) but have just said "I've left your case on the bed for you when you're ready to pack'

I have my own bedroom (we're both terrible sleepers!) and I no longer clean his room or strip and make his beds.

what's been interesting is I haven't had to make any great declaration that I'm not doing it anymore, I've just stopped and DH has just done it for himself and doesn't seem to have noticed that I'm not doing it anymore which leads me to wonder (in my case) how they became my jobs in the first place. DH is a good guy and has always more than pulled his weight but I do feel noticeably less stressed not just by the not doing but by the not having to think about what needs doing so much.

Not exactly ground breaking feminism I know but wondering what else I do that I don't realise that others consider 'wifework'?

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 07/04/2015 14:20

I've never seen this type of work as wife work, neither has my dh.
We just share and do what we want to do and its worked for the past 23 years of marriage and four years as dp before this.

I'm not sure what this has to do with feminism, do feminists see xmas shopping, laundry and housework as wife work?
Do men who do these jobs see them as husbands jobs? Confused

HagOtheNorth · 07/04/2015 14:36

' I haven't had to make any great declaration that I'm not doing it anymore, I've just stopped and DH has just done it for himself and doesn't seem to have noticed that I'm not doing it anymore '

Exactly what moretan said.
We've been together for 35 years and we've always done household stuff as a team. We have different preferences and strengths, and the stuff that neither of us like doing, we either alternate or do it together when it can't be ignored any longer. two children, one of each sex and neither of them think of jobs as being gendered or would be allowed to get away with it by the rest of the household.
So, how much is because you are a tool of the patriarchy and have been hypnotised into doing what you've always thought of as women's work, how much of it is martyrdom and thinking 'Oh well, I suppose it's doewn to me again' and how much is down to you not looking at a situation and thinking 'It's your turn' in a logical fashion?
What are you expecting from your children?

YonicScrewdriver · 07/04/2015 18:04

Morethan, it's great that it's different in your family but certainly in many it's the woman who gets prompted by her MIL to remember birthdays post wedding etc.

HagOtheNorth · 07/04/2015 18:06

My MIL told me lots of things, sharing her expectations as to what I should do from wedding through pregnancy to general lifestyle advice. She got married in 1944.
I smiled and did exactly what I thought I should do. DH deals with his family stuff and I deal with mine. Blaming another woman for your decisions is not reasonable.

YonicScrewdriver · 07/04/2015 18:10

I'm not blaming another woman and neither is OP; both you and morethan seemed to suggest that this wasn't a thing because it hadn't happened to you.

DH and I divide everything very equally; doesn't stop me observing other social trends.

almondcakes · 07/04/2015 18:11

I'm not sure how this helps that much. Of course you can stop doing things that only have any impact on your DH/DP and his extended family. That doesn't change the fact that most of the work of the house will still need to be done because most of the work also impacts on the children.

Anyone with a partner who refuses to do any of that work will still have a huge amount to do. Not ironing their partner's shirts or buying his mum a present is a very small amount of the overall work.

bonniebear · 07/04/2015 18:15

How can you pack someone else's case anyway? Surely you wouldn't have a clue what to take.

Koalafications · 07/04/2015 18:20

In our house we play to our strengths.

DH is brilliant at packing the suitcases for holiday and I'm shit at it (can never fit in as much as he can) so he does it.
I do the cooking because I'm a good cook and I enjoy it.
DH does the DIY and painting because he's good at it and enjoys it.
DH does most of the cleaning because he enjoys it but I help him at the weekend.
I do all the bills, finances etc as he is hopeless with money.

It's nothin to do with our gender, just what we are good at and what we enjoy doing.

Koalafications · 07/04/2015 18:21

I lay out all the clothes that I want and write DH a list for all the other stuff bonniebear Smile

HagOtheNorth · 07/04/2015 18:24

Of course it's a thing and continues to be so, despite decades of working women, feminist thinkng and equality teaching in schools.
It will continue to be a thing as long as people in a relationship don't question the reasons why a person does a particular job and why the balance is unequal in many homes.
My DB and his wife have a very traditonal marriage, he earns and she's a SAHM. Works for them and their children very well, and there is equality within that marriage.
I'm pleased that the OP has finally started to ask herself 'why?' nd I'm also pleased that her DH hasn't noticed and is just doing things for himself. So the chains were possibly of her own making, and she's freed herself.
I wish more women would do the same.

HagOtheNorth · 07/04/2015 18:26

Yes, Koala. Like that.

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 07/04/2015 18:26

I'll attempt to answer your question, OP:

"Not exactly ground breaking feminism I know but wondering what else I do that I don't realise that others consider 'wifework'?"

This is my idea of wifework, not an exhaustive list but in my mind it includes:

  • Being the default person for meal planning
  • Being the person who washes/launders
  • Arranging childcare or being default child carer, this is perhaps worse if it leaves you with the child care responsibility when the other parent is not at work.
  • Arranging and attending dental or medical appointments for children
  • "Mum's" family organiser calendars - mother as family organiser being the societal norm. The backbone of the family.
  • Being the fun arranger. The weekend activity planner. The holiday planner. All these mental drains falling on one person takes up a great deal of mental bandwidth.
CMOTGilbertBlythe · 07/04/2015 18:30

to clarify slightly: free choice etc, make of life what you will.
Problem sets in when Wife is seen as invisible behind-the-scenes life enabler for entire family, and this role is not chosen by the individual but insidiously falls upon her, poss. societal expectations/feeling lesser due to reduced earnings?

IrenetheQuaint · 07/04/2015 18:31

The division I see in otherwise pretty equal couples is that it always seems to be the mother who keeps an eye on the children's clothes and shoes, notes which they've grown out of/ruined and buys new ones.

bonniebear · 07/04/2015 18:32

You must be much more house trained than me koala. I just usually look at my rail and grab a load, stuff it all in and hope it matches when I get there. That is for myself, don't think I could cope if I had to do that for dh, and he would want to kill me!

HagOtheNorth · 07/04/2015 18:37

So wifework seems linked to the arrival of children, possibly when the mother takes an extended break and becomes responsible for the children?
Being the person available to take them to the doctors and for new shoes?
Then somehow becoming responsible for everything to do with the children.

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 07/04/2015 18:40

Yes, and the household over all. Christmas planning... All the odds and sods.

Koalafications · 07/04/2015 18:40

Don't know about being more 'house trained' Grin

almondcakes · 07/04/2015 18:45

Well there is no 'somehow' about it, is there?

When women have children, their ability to leave their partner hugely decreases, due to the additional costs, housing needs, childcare needs etc.

At that point men who want to beat their partners, emotionally and financially abuse them are likely to begin such a course of action. It can be no surprise that the milder form of that - making someone work on required tasks each week by refusing to contribute to them also begins.

But no. It's not that. It's the fault of mums for buying shitty twee calendars to help them organise all the extra work that has been dumped on them. If they didn't buy these calendars of course men would do their share of the childcare, housework and organisation. I'm sure if women just say no firmly men will stop beating them too.

pootlebug · 07/04/2015 18:46

I think the mistake you may be making here, monkeysaymoo, is posting on the feminism board….where more people are more committed feminists and thus don't do 'wifework' in the same way.

I think CMOT's list is a good one. I would include:

  • Planning holidays…including working out where to go, booking it, packing for it, etc
  • What happens at weekends. Clubs? Parties? Presents for parties? Kit for clubs?
  • Washing, ironing, crap related jobs that need to be done - cleaning out dishwasher, emptying filters in washer and dryer, cleaning out washing machine etc

FWIW I pack holiday stuff for my DH since I left him to do it and he took no shorts, no shoes apart from walking boots, no swimming gear - leaving me supervising children in the sea endlessly whilst he pissed about on his phone on the beach.

But I am not a shining example. I very much regret the SAHM path I chose. I now run my own business, but since it is still very part-time and low income, I am the default childcarer and everything-organiser and I hate the example I have set to my children.

bonniebear · 07/04/2015 18:50

I do think it is important to play to your strengths I direct dh in the sense that I hold a planner in my phone, and text him instructions. I don't do that much of the actual tasks though as I am work. I don't see anything wrong with that way of doing things tbh as that is his job. Same as I have mine.

He doesn't do all that though. He wouldn't pack my suitcase or buy presents for my family as I think that is a bit of a strange one.

YonicScrewdriver · 07/04/2015 18:54

Plenty of feminists on this board do Wifework and even more recognise it.

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 07/04/2015 18:59

almondcakes - I don't see where anyone has said it's women's fault?

Duckdeamon · 07/04/2015 19:05

I recognise gilbertblythe's list (what a fab fictional man he is btw!). It eats up a lot of time and mental energy! I feel doing wifework is bad for my performance at work!

Also agree that when not doing it impacts on DC it's harder to stop. I am sometimes met with denial that stuff needs doing at all or the accusation that my standards are too high (they're not IMO!).

Would add: supervising homework and school-related admin!

Chillycamper · 07/04/2015 19:05

Thanks for sharing your experience Monkey. I have recently been moaning about the number of "solo portfolios" I have in our family. Your post has made me think of things I can stop doing rather than doing and complaining.

Well done to PPs who already have it sorted.... It must be nice!