Men who fantasise about rape (Trigger?)

[alicemalice]

Hope I don't trigger anyone with this thread.

I've been online dating for a bit and chatting to this guy who I seemed to have a lot in common with.

Looking at his answers on Okcupid, there's one that said 'Do you have fantasies about rape?' to which he replied, yes.

This really bothers me. I understand it's not real and I suspect rape fantasies are quite common. But still, I find it very off-putting.

I also find it odd that he answered it so publicly.

Are rape fantasies so common they're seen as fairly normal?

I don't know if they are common but honestly I would avoid someone who said yes to that question.

I have no idea how common rape fantasies are. But I certainly wouldn't go anywhere near a man who publicly admitted to rape fantasies - that is a huge red flag IMO.

I am REALLY surprised Ok Cupid have this as a question!

I mean, the question itself normalises them. Nancy Friday did a lot of work on female fantasies of being raped but it's not a snappy question/answer that belongs on a dating site alongside, presumably, "what's your favourite holiday destination" and "which TV programne do you enjoy" Type stuff!

Is this a question everyone has to answer yes or no?

Okcupid is incredibly useful in weeding people out I tell you!

Yes Yonic, having the question does seem to normalise it. It's a yes or no or skip and you can also explain your answer, if you want.

They have all kinds of stuff like 'Do you get aroused by tears?'. Lots of fetish questions which I guess is helpful if you're into that kind of thing.

They do have normal questions too, it's not all about sex.

I actually quite like Okcupid as you get a much better insight into people.

I am horrified that OKCupid have this as a question!

A few years ago I was seeing a guy who I met through OD. While he was cooking for me one evening I was vaguely browsing through his DVD collection when I noticed one DVD box the wrong way round (ie spine facing inwards). I turned it over to find it was some sort of rape based porn. I was horrified. I didn't finish with him there and then for the obvious reason of suddenly feeling slightly vulnerable in his flat, but I dumped him pretty quickly!

So he might be fantasising about being a rapist or being raped/sexually assaulted?

I would actually complain about this question! Is there also a section "do you daydream about beating up people of a different race/sexual orientation to you?" I would guess not...

I'd definitely ditch. I agree with others that asking the question at all normalizes it. And what kind of idiot answers "yes" anyway, is he not thinking of who his "audience" is?? It's worrying enough meeting a guy you don't know without him admitting the idea of rape is a turn on

Thank god I never came across that Q when I was on OKCupid - I did like their questions for weeding people out though. The "Do you think women are obliged to shave their legs?" one was good.

Just gone back and he seems to have deleted his answer to that question!

I can see he's answered another one 'Do you like to gag girls?'

But I have to answer it to see his answer.

Jeez.

Of course, many people are able to distinguish between real life and fantasy. You can enjoy watching something but not be interested in trying it out.

I told I didn't think we were that well matched due to the questions and answers. He asked which ones so I told him.

He said 'As long as it remains fantasy, who cares?'

I replied and said 'I care.'

So that's the end of that.

I also felt that a man fantasising about raping a woman was very different from a woman fantasising about being raped. It feels quite threatening to me.

They are quite different fantasies, in that the usual 'rape' fantasy for women is, as pp have said, more of a willing surrender than rape. I think it's fairly common for men to have the counterpart fantasy which is also a willing surrender type affair.

There's a world of difference between these 'zipless fuck' fantasies - which are romantic in a Black Lace sort of way - and loving the idea of actual rape. I don't think any man in his right mind would answer that question with a 'yes', particularly coupled with the gag question (!) unless he was aiming towards genuinely violent sex.

The police team giving me self-defence training was very clear that men who fantasise rape, do rape. That was a long time ago but, following the news on sex crimes as I have been, I've seen nothing to suggest the police have changed their view on this. And they should know.

Sorry, I meant to say it's a huge boundary push from the get-go, isn't it? "I fancy the thought of rape." Say anything other than "Goodbye, Weirdo," and you've already moved yourself into the arena for forced sex.

Also meant to say I'm glad you've dropped him, Alice!

Garlic - How could the police possibly know that, when nobody knows what proportion of men have rape fantasies or who they are? The police can get information about rapists, and there may well be patterns there they can recognise - but they have no information about whether it's no, or a few, or hundreds or millions or all other men who fantasize about rape without becoming rapists.

It doesn't make any sense.

I would imagine the police can access research done by criminologists, just like anyone else can.