Men who fantasise about rape (Trigger?)

[alicemalice]

Hope I don't trigger anyone with this thread.

I've been online dating for a bit and chatting to this guy who I seemed to have a lot in common with.

Looking at his answers on Okcupid, there's one that said 'Do you have fantasies about rape?' to which he replied, yes.

This really bothers me. I understand it's not real and I suspect rape fantasies are quite common. But still, I find it very off-putting.

I also find it odd that he answered it so publicly.

Are rape fantasies so common they're seen as fairly normal?

Sounds fair enough to me, Helga! It was reasonable for you to drive & him buy dinner. You're not obliged to pay for everything if you did the asking. (Unless the pair of you were actually acting out reversed gender stereotypes, in which case I hope you pulled out his chair fir him & advised him what to order )

MyEmpireOfDirt: I see what you're saying. And this is the problem. Nobody (male or female) can possibly question every action to make sure they are not complicit, because no one can be truly outside culture.

And indeed, the people around them who contribute to their expectations would themselves have to subject themselves to this level of scrutiny.

I think the answer is that we do our best to ensure equitable relations, but without entertaining unrealistic ideals of a genderless, powerless utopia.

It's a tricky one.

Nope - no kink on a first date, or a second, or even a third. Because I'm not into casual sex, I have to be doing the sex in the context of a relationship. And it has to work as a relationship first and the kink is discussed later. (I wanted to say comes later but that sounds inordinately filthy given the context)

My personal view of this: Men and women are true equals if they are both without power. In sex, power and self-consciousness are lost; you are vulnerable and powerless.

Many men hate the thought of losing power and ego - of merging with a woman's body (which they came from); to them it feels like death. They therefore hate and fear women. Hence, rape and the need to dominate, abuse, degrade. Hence the need to slander sex and women as dirt.

In sex I am very definitely not powerless Joe.

And some Madonna whore I'm not either.

That's interesting. I think maybe it's male power that's specifically the problem - in that a man has a penis. I think I read a feminist argue that, paradoxically, equal sexual relations can only be achieved if the woman takes sexual power over the man because she cannot penetrate him.

Or something like that..

God, I don't know...my heads hurting. Don't know what to think about this. Been reading too much I think.

They therefore hate and fear women. Hence, rape and the need to dominate, abuse, degrade. Hence the need to slander sex and women as dirt.

Wouldn't these men be better off realising that hating on half the world's population is a futile and pointless exercise, as well as being irrational and unreasonable? These men would be far, far better off seeking counseling if they feel this way about women. Its really fucked up and sad.

I completely agree Zazzles007

equal sexual relations can only be achieved if the woman takes sexual power over the man because she cannot penetrate him

She can penetrate him, google strap-ons. My sex life may be rather vanilla, but even I know that.

Many men hate the thought of losing power and ego - of merging with a woman's body (which they came from); to them it feels like death. They therefore hate and fear women. Hence, rape and the need to dominate, abuse, degrade.

This is almost word for word how the mindset of a certain type of rapist was described to me. There were other types - nearly all coming down to a fear of losing control.

FWIW, I don't buy the feminist suspicion around penetration. There are other ways of experiencing it.

I suppose, but not sure how common that practice is though.

But I don't think a man can be violated in the same sense by a woman. Women cannot be raped by men (generally) in anything like the same sense. However, there are probably far more female child molesters than we realise, which does raise some very troubling questions about a woman's potential to abuse sexual power in terrible ways too.

I agree GarlicNovember. I think this is the kind of mindset that's at the root of so much violence against women.

Sorry typo with the second to last comment:

Should've read: Men cannot be raped by women in anything like the same sense....

Trust me Joe, a man can be raped in just the same sense.

Oh I'm sure! I just wouldn't have thought it's anything like as common.

I have no doubt about women's potential to abuse sexual power in terrible ways. You would only think it couldn't happen if you believed in constructed gender characteristics. I agree with the idea that the vast majority of abuse is a consequence of power imbalances, both explicit and implicit. I'd also say, sadly, that the vast majority of power imbalances are rooted in childhood abuse one way or another. So cycles continue.

I agree. I think that generally when women do sexually offend, it's against children or vulnerable/incapacitated adults. That's what all the evidence seems to suggest anyway. A grown man being forcibly penetrated by a grown woman is probably a pretty rare occurrence.

MyEmpire - agree, technically, it's not rape, it's assault by penetration, but I'm quite sure the effects are similar.

Which is not, in any way, to diminish the fact that many more women are raped by men than men are ever assaulted in that way by women. Gay men are also raped.

Also, rape can include vaginal rape, oral rape and anal rape. And for many women, it's not just vaginal rape. If you see what I mean.

But rape is rape is rape and is always unacceptable. And has terrible impacts on whoever it is inflicted on

I read about this woman who was sexually abused by her mother. Nobody believed her because 'women don't do things like that'.

Joe, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but what age are you?

I'm 37. Why do you ask?