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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Female body hair / husband- help?

309 replies

wishfulthinking1 · 19/10/2014 20:08

Since the birth of my son I've considered feminist issues much more deeply- particularly inspired by 'hair:not the musical', I've begun considering hair removal as a choice- and have chosen not to at the the moment.

My lovely husband (and he really is lovely) is struggling with this- says he doesn't find it attractive / is embarrassed when we go swimming etc- he doesn't mean to be ignorant, but he's really struggling with it.

I'm trying to find something for him to read that could help him get his head around it. Most internet searches come up with articles along the lines of 'eww, gross, if your partner loved you, she'd shave blah blah'.

Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks

OP posts:
Lalala12300 · 19/10/2014 20:24

Why is it "feminist" to keep your body hair?

rosierelala · 19/10/2014 20:26

You could try to elicit empathy. Epilate, thread and wax different areas of his body. Especially sensitive areas.
Then wait for his reaction to itchy regrowth and ingrown hairs then tell him 'my body my choice'. And LTB if he continues to believe he has control over your epidermis.

Original poster
wishfulthinking1 · 19/10/2014 20:27

I think body hair is a feminist issue...

'Society' expects women to remove body hair whereas it doesn't expect men to do the same.

OP posts:
TheCowThatLaughs · 19/10/2014 20:27

It's feminist because men don't routinely remove body hair, or face the same pressure to do so that women come under

LeBearPolar · 19/10/2014 20:29

You have a right not to remove your body hair but don't forget that he also has a right to find it not attractive. You can't control what he does or doesn't like.

cailindana · 19/10/2014 20:31

Start commenting on his body. "Oh dear it's a bit embarrassing that you...are a bit podgy/have ear hair/have horrid feet/etc."

If he's allowed to have opinions on your body, then it should go both ways.

Seriously though, if my DH made any comment about my body hair (which is lush as a field of ripened corn) I'd be baffled as to why he felt it was his place to even say anything. I'm not a doll that he can request upgrades for - I'm a person, and it is entirely up to me what I want to do to my body.

UriGeller · 19/10/2014 20:39

Yeah not everything you or your partner does has to be "attractive".

Mine picks his flaky elbow skin. Not attractive. it doesn't make me love him any less. I do these big mucousy snorts when I have a cold (blowing gives me nosebleeds) which he hates, but I'm still confident and sure he loves me.

Your DP still loves you I'm sure. Give him a bit of time to get used to it.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/10/2014 20:42

Do you actually want to be hairy? Ok so society doesnt expect men to be hairless, but there are a chunk of them who do remove some or all of their body hair because they choose to.

If you want to go swimming with hairy legs and pits, fine. each to their own. But do.it because you want to either (1) be hairy or (2) not want to remove your hair. Dont do it to prove some.sort of point.

ChunkyPickle · 19/10/2014 20:57

I am in the same boat.

DP (who barely has a bald spot on his body) wrinkles his nose and asks me to shave.

I point out that he's hairy all over, he doesn't even shave his face often because it irritates his skin (as does a beard, so he keeps it at a scruffy length), and that I just don't have time to shave every day anyway (which I would have to - my hair grows fast)

I do it because I don't want to waste time shaving, because I don't like stubble, because I do get ingrown hairs, because armpits shaved feel squelchy and smell more quickly, and because my armpit hair is soft and lovely (both DSes have actually occasionally stroked it when cuddling up with a hand up my sleeve!), because what I thought were humungously hairy legs really aren't now that I've seen pics of other women's unshaven legs, and because it's up to me what I do to my body.

I might sometimes shave my legs because it does feel lovely pulling trousers up a clean-shaven pair of legs, and that is my choice too.

Having said all that, I have no advice. DP is currently in the lumping it camp rather than liking it, and I don't know that he'll change.

PuffinsAreFicticious · 19/10/2014 21:02

I think my first question to him would be why doesn't he shave/ wax/ epliate etc, and why that might be. Why it's acceptable withing our society for me to have body hair, but not women. Why do women have to a) spend time and effort removing body hair, when men don't and b) remove so much body hair that they start looking pre-pubescent. Start from the POV that you're doing this in a spirit of honest enquiry, because you are, if you make him think, then he might be able to jolt himself out of the socialisation he's experienced.

No one notices other people's body hair when they're swimming. No one cares. So he doesn't need to worry about that, whether he finds you attractive or not is up to him. It's how you feel about yourself anf your body that matters here.

Women removing all or some of their body hair is a societal expectation, it is basically sexist. Remove or don't remove your body hair, but at least you have acknowledged that it's not a free choice.

WineWineWine · 19/10/2014 21:06

I want my DH to shave his face. I hate the look and feel of it when he let's it grow.
He prefers to be clean shaven too.

I shave my legs because I prefer it that way, it feels better. He prefers it too.

I understand that there is a society pressure for women to shave, but there is on men too (just their face though), but there's also good reasons why people choose to shave, and if they do, that doesn't make them anti feminist.

FuckOffFerret · 19/10/2014 21:11

OP some people will refuse to think anything is a feminist issue and pretend men sometimes shaving their beards (but not being shamed in to doing so) is the exact same thing as women basically being expected to alopecia form the eye balls down.

You have a right to shave or not shave. Your partner does have a right to not like it. He is socialized the same as everyone else so women with body hair might be a turn off.

However he does not have a right to comment or make you feel bad about yourself.

You haven't taken on anti social habit like smoking or done something totally unhealthy which he might have legitimate concerns about. He's saying he is embarrassed of you. Are you there to make him feel good about himself? Arm candy?

Have you asked him how he thinks he making you feel? What does he think he is teaching your daughters or sons about women's bodies? That they are there for show and for men's consumption.

If you want to be hairy or as bald as a baby's bottom it is your choice and he is being a twat to make it about him.

FuckOffFerret · 19/10/2014 21:16

When dh fancies a beard he just grows one. NO one cares or looks at him or comments.

PetulaGordino · 19/10/2014 21:19

why are people talking about whether it is feminist or not to remove hair? it doesn't matter - the OP has decided not to remove hair right now, and that's fine

YonicScrewdriver · 19/10/2014 22:23

Ok, is it simply unfamiliar? As in, if you dyed your (head) hair or swapped glasses for contacts, he'd get a jolt every time he looked at you for a while but over time would readjust his mental picture?

Original poster
wishfulthinking1 · 20/10/2014 13:49

Thanks all.
To be absolutely honest, I'm not completely comfortable being hairy- I don't feel very attractive. But the mere fact that I feel like this makes me think I should persevere. I don't want my son growing up thinking that hairy women are 'weird'. I don't want any future daughter I may have to think that she needs to change her body to 'fit in'.

I don't blame him for finding it unattractive, but I do wish he would try to see the deeper issues with some importance. He agrees societal expectations are unfair, but they're deeply ingrained.

I guess I was hoping for a link to a sensible article, written by a sensible, educated man that said something along the lines of... "My wife doesn't shave her legs because she thinks it symbolises oppression. Her body is fabulous as it is. I'm proud of her, because she wants our son to grow up in a better world".

I want to help my husband understand and accept the situation. He's struggling with it. Yes, he still loves me.

OP posts:
FuckOffFerret · 20/10/2014 14:21

Sorry I don't know any articles specifically about that but this is regarding bikini line and fanjo hair. Not sure if it is relevant to you or not.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/physician-calls-for-an-end-to-bikini-waxing-8008628.html?origin=internalSearch

BlueberryWafer · 20/10/2014 14:59

I ask dh to shave his facial hair because I don't particularly like kissing him with facial hair. I also suggested he "tidied up" a little of his pubic hair as I didn't want a mouth full of pubes when giving him oral sex. Surely it is no different for him to ask the same of me?

I agree if you really don't want to shave your bodily hair then that is entirely your prerogative. I just personally don't see how it's aimed solely at women - loads of men feel pressures to groom too.

BlueberryWafer · 20/10/2014 15:00

Just read your last post. Sorry so you don't even like being hairy, yet you're forcing yourself to like it to prove a point.. Isn't that just as bad as shaving to fit in?!

cailindana · 20/10/2014 15:00

Eh if he'll listen to a sensible man but not to you then you have more problems than body hair!

YonicScrewdriver · 20/10/2014 15:06

Blueberry:

Do more women than men shave their armpits?
Do more women than men shave their legs?
Do more women than men remove (remove, not trim) some or all of their pubic hair?

The answer to all the above is yes. So removal of body hair is a feminist issue.

Facial hair: well, beards and moustaches are socially acceptable, if uncommon, on men. Facial hair on women: not so much.

Amethyst24 · 20/10/2014 15:07

I totally understand where you are coming from, OP, but at the same time I wonder whether the issue is important enough to make you and your DH uncomfortable over. It's a bit catch 22 I guess, because if everyone did it it wouldn't be an issue, but by sticking your head over the parapet, as it were, you're making both of you unhappy. I guess the question is what's more important to you: a feminist principle or your comfort with your own body, sex life and relationship. I'm sounding very down on the idea, and I'm not really - if you genuinely wanted this for yourself I would take a different view.

YonicScrewdriver · 20/10/2014 15:09

Look, we are all conditioned by what we see around us - you and he aren't excluded. If he could see a picture of you now as you'll look when you are 80, he probably wouldn't ".fancy" you in that picture either, but as he and you grow old together, I hope he does fancy you then!

If it's important to you then I think you both need to give it some time. How long has it been?

Fakebook · 20/10/2014 15:13

Being hairy doesn't make you feel comfortable, yet you're forcing yourself to do it? How utterly and completely daft.

Body hair isn't a feminist issue. Feminists have made it into a feminist issue. Women have removed hair for centuries. Some cultures and religions promote hair removal for both men and women.

If you feel comfortable hairy, then be hairy. But if you're uncomfortable why would you force yourself?! Most men would have grown up seeing unhairy women, yet many are still in loving relationships and don't mind hairy legs/body.

I thought feminism was about having your own choices and doing things you want to do as a woman? Doesn't a woman have the right to remove her body hair without being snarled at for wanting to be hair free?! I just don't get it.

cailindana · 20/10/2014 15:17

You're right fakebook.

You just don't get it.