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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Female body hair / husband- help?

309 replies

wishfulthinking1 · 19/10/2014 20:08

Since the birth of my son I've considered feminist issues much more deeply- particularly inspired by 'hair:not the musical', I've begun considering hair removal as a choice- and have chosen not to at the the moment.

My lovely husband (and he really is lovely) is struggling with this- says he doesn't find it attractive / is embarrassed when we go swimming etc- he doesn't mean to be ignorant, but he's really struggling with it.

I'm trying to find something for him to read that could help him get his head around it. Most internet searches come up with articles along the lines of 'eww, gross, if your partner loved you, she'd shave blah blah'.

Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks

OP posts:
CleanLinesSharpEdges · 20/10/2014 15:18

You need to get behind your own choices, before you expect anyone else (your husband) to do so.

Penfold007 · 20/10/2014 15:22

You don't like being hairy but feel you need to be to prove your a feminist?

Your husband isn't ignorant he's just voicing his opinion.

I hate having hairy pits and shins so choose to shave, it doesn't make me ignorant or stop me being a feminist.

YonicScrewdriver · 20/10/2014 15:23

The OP is behind her own choices, FFS. Many times we can decide to do what we have objectively decided is the right thing even whilst we feel emotionally uncomfortable with it.

YonicScrewdriver · 20/10/2014 15:24

"You don't like being hairy but feel you need to be to prove your a feminist?"

OP didn't say this.

YonicScrewdriver · 20/10/2014 15:26

"Doesn't a woman have the right to remove her body hair without being snarled at for wanting to be hair free?! I just don't get it"

Who is snarling?

YonicScrewdriver · 20/10/2014 15:28

OP, there's a thread on FWR from earlier this year where a number of regulars went without shaving. Try a search?

Amethyst24 · 20/10/2014 15:28

Of course it's a feminist issue. Maybe not the most significant one if the world, but feminist nonetheless.

I guess the thing that's making me uncomfortable is that the OP feels she has a duty to do this for the feminist cause - to take one for the team - when neither she nor her partner is totally happy with it.

PetulaGordino · 20/10/2014 15:32

i read it more as just something the OP is trying it out, seeing how she feels, thinking about how we are socialised regarding ideas of femininity. i don't see it as the OP deliberately making herself uncomfortable because otherwise she wouldn't be a proper feminist Hmm

it would be nice if her DH could be supportive of her exploring this

Branleuse · 20/10/2014 15:39

youre not comfortable being hairy and your husband finds it unattractive and has admitted this to you.

Obviously you can still choose whatever you like, but not shaving wont make you any more feminist.

FuckOffFerret · 20/10/2014 15:49

Just read your last post. Sorry so you don't even like being hairy, yet you're forcing yourself to like it to prove a point.. Isn't that just as bad as shaving to fit in?!

BlueberryWafer no Confused

She doesn't feel comfortable because find it odd out in public. SO deciding she shouldn't have to do something unnecessary to make other people happy is not the same as doing something unnecessary to fit in.

fakebook you really don't get it.

Obviously you can still choose whatever you like, but not shaving wont make you any more feminist.

It is making a feminist choice to make sure her children see a woman with hair as normal

FuckOffFerret · 20/10/2014 15:49

he doesn't feel comfortable because people find it odd out in public.

Amethyst24 · 20/10/2014 15:56

Of course the other point is that the OP would feel a lot more comfortable with her choice if her DH was 100% supportive of it.

On balance, I would say give it a try for another few months and see how you both feel about it then.

RightyTightyLeftyLoosey · 20/10/2014 15:59

I am having v similar thoughts since having DS, and I have stopped shaving because I want him to grow up thinking body hair is normal.

I really struggle with the whole thought process on this because society tells me it is unattractive, therefore it makes me feel self-concious - then that annoys me because I think why should anyone be made to feel uncomfortable about something their body does naturally.

It is a feminist issue and it is not the same as male facial hair, there is no actual expectation of it, men are allowed to choose, women are made to feel bad for making the same kind of choices.

My DP doesn't like it either really, but respects my choice and sees my point, he even said that he understood why his "preference" for hairlessness is also probably due to conditioning by society. It has not affected our sex life btw!

TunipTheUnconquerable · 20/10/2014 16:07

Why do some people not understand the difference between 'this is a feminist issue' and 'if you do this you're not a feminist'?
No-one on this thread has said shaving means you're not a feminist but several people seem to be under the impression they have Confused

FuckOffFerret · 20/10/2014 17:27

I think some people deliberately mis read threads tunip

PuffinsAreFicticious · 20/10/2014 17:28

Threads about body hair always go the same way.

The only people snarling are the ones who want to shave. Someone comes and tells us that those of us who understand that shaving body hair isn't a free choice don't understand that they are making a free choice. Just waiting for someone to tell the OP that they are dirty, smelly and don't care about themselves and we'll have a full house.

Oh, and there isn't anything like the same pressure for men to shave their faces, the idea that DH is some kind of anti-society hair wearer is still making him chuckle a day on. I don't remember sidebar of shame articles where men's stubbly faces are circled and an article about whether he's letting himself go written. I do remember ones about Julia Robert's armpit hair though. Why the discrepancy?

Feminists actually couldn't give a shit if you shave or not, as long as you recognise that if you do, it's not an entirely free choice under Patriarchy.

Fakebook · 20/10/2014 17:48

I don't get what? That I don't understand why if a woman chooses to shave, it's assumed by "feminists" that she has been conditioned by society to do it.

Believe it or not, some women and men shave because they like the feeling of smooth skin.

FuckOffFerret · 20/10/2014 17:53

Yes but how many more women than men shave? Do you really believe just as many men shave their legs as women?

PumpkinGordino · 20/10/2014 17:54

i'm sure some men and women do

but given that a MASSIVE proportion of women do shave their body hair compared to a minutely small proportion of men, it's not really likely to be the only reason why is it? otherwise there would be equal proportions of men and women doing it

FuckOffFerret · 20/10/2014 17:54

Also do you really sit around rubbing your legs for the smoothness? Confused are you put off by your partner's body hair and lack of smoothness?

FuckOffFerret · 20/10/2014 17:55

If women liked the feeling of smoothness there would be more pressure on men to be smooth rather than women to be smooth. Think about it

BlueberryWafer · 20/10/2014 18:27

Well, no, because I like the feeling of smoothness as in putting on a pair of trousers onto freshly shaved legs - nothing to do with my husband being smooth!

cailindana · 20/10/2014 18:28

All behaviour beyond basic survival is conditioned. There is no reason whatsoever for women to feel embarrassed by their body hair. The only reason they do feel embarrassed, liks the OP, is because society tells them hairy legs ard unacceptable ln women (but fine on men). If it was a genuine choice lots of women would have hairy legs. As it is, very few women don't shave.

Fakebook · 20/10/2014 18:49

How can you blame society for a woman wanting to remove her bodily hair? In the animal kingdom, often the females pluck their own hair/feathers to make nests. How do you know that the real reason for a woman wanting to remove body hair isn't because it's an animal instinct? Maybe subconciously it's done to make themselves look different from men as a form of attraction?

As it happens I do like the smooth feeling on my legs and my DH shaves parts of his body that he likes to remain smooth. No one has conditioned us into thinking this.