Need help on deciding whether to continue seeing this CPN

[Itsmynamechange]

I may post this on the MH board as well but for the minute I'd like to post in what I know to be a very supportive place.

I have a raft of MH issues inc. depression (PN & regular!), OCD (PN & regular) as well as possibly PTSD from various traumatic experiences inc. rape. Yes I am a mess

I have been referred to a CPN by my GP as my current set of meds just isn't cutting it and I am feeling suicidal. I saw the CPN today at a health clinic.

I was talking about my XP who raped me while I was asleep after I miscarried his baby due to a suicide attempt (first bf, rather naive as a teen, didn't know I was pg, rapes didn't happen directly after but a few weeks post miscarriage) and how when he gave up raping me he would still molest me while I slept (hands inside me etc).

The CPN told me he had done this to partners of his and he didn't see it as rape/abuse as it had been done by my then boyfriend and it 'he' (my XP) was feeling 'horny' that it would be normal for him to begin touching me sexually if I was sleeping next to him. I explain consent has to be given for it to be not assault/abuse as if you are asleep you can't consent let alone give enthusiastic consent. He seemed fairly shocked by this concept and suggested I post on facebook to see what other people thought (I had said I try to block out my thoughts by faffing about playing games/facebooking on my mobile rather than deal with life/the children).

We talked for quite a bit more after that and I brought up my being date raped on a 2nd date after I invited the man in question back to mine as the pub was a bit dead (he was a friend of a friend and it was early evening not kicking out time, neither of us were drunk so I thought I'd be safe). The CPN suggested I must have realised 'coming back to mine for a drink' meant come & have sex with me for most men. I explained I said no to sex, kept saying no to sex but gave up and went into shut down mode & let him get on with it (man was a lot taller & stronger than me and I was used to acquiescing to my XP's demands for sex [was easier than risking rape or more physical pain than usual]). The CPN then said something like 'ah, that was your OCD shutting you down'.

The CPN is now going to be paying me a home visit next week.

I don't know what to do (aside for eat my own body weight in valium as I'm feeling even more anxious than before the appointment)

Please be kind to yourself. I hope it's helping that so many people believe you and want this man sacked and punished for his horrible behaviour. We never entirely get over bad things but every day we make a little bit of progress and there does come a point where life is mostly enjoyable again.

How do you eat an elephant? You take small bites. I always picture the elephant. My Dh told me this once. Whenever I feel overwhelmed i think of this to help me focus. It may help a little - but please I know its not as simple as this.

Im pleased you have RL aound just to help with day to day stuff.

Didnt you say you had exams commin up, how is revision going?

Thanks and smile, I'll try to remember that. Even the longest journey starts with a single step is another mantra to live by.

Not study exams but medical exams - I'm sitting here with a head all wired up with electrodes and have got another 2 days like this. Just what I need! Won't be going out until this is off as I look like an extra from a low budget SciFi show

Yes to the longest journey - some of have to change our footwear more often and spray the odd tonic on

Aha medical exams - is this to test for a sleeping disorder or neurological - guessing out of interest. Both things I have been self dx-ing with (I even have a thread)

Aw bless your humour - a scifi show - well keep you zapper handy and use it often

I really think you are being very strong - you've moved on a lot since your first post and have had to do a lot of talking to various people. When i get down I avoid people inc making phone calls. I fantasise often about going to the Travel Lodge around the corner!

Neuro (I have some kind of seizure disorder). I've had to go back today for new batteries/data download and to reglue some of the electrodes to my head. I look fabulous dahling especially as the one in the centre of my forehead is now got blue glue all over it

Sorry to hear you are having problems too. I may mosey over to your thread to see if I can offer any support/info.

If I'm honest its been incredibly difficult to make all these phone calls but my OCD has been pushing me on (love my guilt complex) but I too have felt like running away. Can't act on them.though as I know how traumatic it would be for the children (& DH).

I just hope I don't run out of steam and just give up. I'm so glad I started this thread though as I have a contemporary record of what happened and the support has been really amazing.

Neuro (I have some kind of seizure disorder). I've had to go back today for new batteries/data download and to reglue some of the electrodes to my head. I look fabulous dahling especially as the one in the centre of my forehead is now got blue glue all over it

Sorry to hear you are having problems too. I may mosey over to your thread to see if I can offer any support/info.

If I'm honest its been incredibly difficult to make all these phone calls but my OCD has been pushing me on (love my guilt complex) but I too have felt like running away. Can't act on them.though as I know how traumatic it would be for the children (& DH).

I just hope I don't run out of steam and just give up. I'm so glad I started this thread though as I have a contemporary record of what happened and the support has been really amazing.

Update - I've just had a call from the nurse liaison lady I spoke to at the MH clinic. She's spoken to the team leader and an investigation has been started (any 'allegation' of that serious a nature has to be investigated). I won't have to see the cpn again and I will be kept updated on what is happening/outcome. The nurse liaison is taking me on as a client which I'm really pleased about as she seems very nice.

That's great news. I'm glad they are taking this so seriously .

How are you feeling after the phone call? When do you get to meet your new worker ?

Really pleased for you OP.

That's really good to hear OP

Itsmy Ooo bet you do look original - Do you just have to have the on house for periods of monitoring? I mean Ive been worried about you in these thunder storms. I though that MNetters surely cannot be out with her wires in in this weather.

Running is a perfectly normal response - but you haven't you did the calls under difficult circumstances. How bad are us British for not complaining just for poor service never mind under duress. You did great.

Im pleased they are taking you seriously and treating the situation with due dillgence.

How kind OP to say about offering support. I am feeling better now. My health problems are due to Vit D deficiency and Low B12. Im taking supplements and slowly making lifestyle changes so Im on the mend. Feeling less like an old granny by they day.

And smile - I tried looking for your thread but couldn't find a recent one though did read an older one - sounds ike you've been through the mill of late. Luckily they removed the electrodes on Monday before the storms hit so no chance of my brain being fried.

Of course I didn't have any seizures when wired up but had two today. I suspect because I was terrified the cpn would show up today (as previously arranged) but DH told my mum who came to look after me/DC not to let him in under any circs. He didn't show anyway.

I think the 2nd one was because I found a letter saying my children had been stealing and I was letting the neighbourhood fall in to disrepute and it really scared me (&my mum!) It read like one of those dodgy chain letters and didn't name my children or me but my OCD took hold and wouldn't let go. Turns out my eldest is doing Oliver twist at school and that was part of some classwork & that had fallen out of her book bag!

I suspect I have chronically low vit d as my youngest is being treated for exceptionally low vit d (15 instead of at least 50-75) so I'm taking vit d supplements too now. I've had pernicious anaemia as well as folate anaemia before so I wonder if its worth getting some bloods done? I felt awful with anaemia - tired, breathless and erratic heart rate/missed beats so I hope its not that (I've had weird heart beats recently but put it down to me being a stress head). B12 can really affect your mood so I'm glad you've found out. Injections might be worth considering if tablets don't work as some people lack the intrinsic factor needed to process b12 from food.

A little update - the CPN was removed from duty and his contract ended (agency staff not NHS), an investigation is happening both at my trust and at the agency though apparently he is off their books altogether.

Glad to hear this OP, and hope you get suitable support and treatment now.

Just read this thread through to the end and I'm so glad this dreadful person is no longer employed. Hopefully he will be disciplined such that he cannot be employed elsewhere.

You did so well to go through with the complaint. I was truly horrified reading your description of the incident. I hope you're dealing better with your other health issues right now. Well done on having the courage to see this through.

Good for you! I hope you're getting the correct help and support you need now.