Need help on deciding whether to continue seeing this CPN

[Itsmynamechange]

I may post this on the MH board as well but for the minute I'd like to post in what I know to be a very supportive place.

I have a raft of MH issues inc. depression (PN & regular!), OCD (PN & regular) as well as possibly PTSD from various traumatic experiences inc. rape. Yes I am a mess

I have been referred to a CPN by my GP as my current set of meds just isn't cutting it and I am feeling suicidal. I saw the CPN today at a health clinic.

I was talking about my XP who raped me while I was asleep after I miscarried his baby due to a suicide attempt (first bf, rather naive as a teen, didn't know I was pg, rapes didn't happen directly after but a few weeks post miscarriage) and how when he gave up raping me he would still molest me while I slept (hands inside me etc).

The CPN told me he had done this to partners of his and he didn't see it as rape/abuse as it had been done by my then boyfriend and it 'he' (my XP) was feeling 'horny' that it would be normal for him to begin touching me sexually if I was sleeping next to him. I explain consent has to be given for it to be not assault/abuse as if you are asleep you can't consent let alone give enthusiastic consent. He seemed fairly shocked by this concept and suggested I post on facebook to see what other people thought (I had said I try to block out my thoughts by faffing about playing games/facebooking on my mobile rather than deal with life/the children).

We talked for quite a bit more after that and I brought up my being date raped on a 2nd date after I invited the man in question back to mine as the pub was a bit dead (he was a friend of a friend and it was early evening not kicking out time, neither of us were drunk so I thought I'd be safe). The CPN suggested I must have realised 'coming back to mine for a drink' meant come & have sex with me for most men. I explained I said no to sex, kept saying no to sex but gave up and went into shut down mode & let him get on with it (man was a lot taller & stronger than me and I was used to acquiescing to my XP's demands for sex [was easier than risking rape or more physical pain than usual]). The CPN then said something like 'ah, that was your OCD shutting you down'.

The CPN is now going to be paying me a home visit next week.

I don't know what to do (aside for eat my own body weight in valium as I'm feeling even more anxious than before the appointment)

I speak as a CPN- report this man to the team manager and absolutely follow this through. I am so sorry you have had this experience

Oh gosh, rushed through thread utterly shocked at what this so called professional has said to you.

Do make the complaint.

Any form of therapist, no matter what framework they operate in, should not be giving opinions and passing judgement. You should feel secure and free to explore whatever issues you need to without being told anything. You should be facilitated.

Please write down any key words or phrases, or C & P from your OP. Put it in some form of statement.

I would be strongly wording that he tried to invalidate your distress by contradicting your experiences in those situations. In doing so he also contradicted legally recognised definitions of rape.

He also shared information with you about his sex life which you did not feel comfortable with and had not agreed such open boudaries fromt he outset (I presume)

Write how the session made you feel.

This is truley horrifying. I know it may be hhis word against yours but they may be a historical complaints.

Take care HTH. FWIW I think you are learning boudaries as you questionned this monstrous excuse for a HCP and you were right. I hope this at least signifies some progress for you.

Just remembered he asked me how I got pg 4 times after I shared that I have a dental phobia due to not liking people in my body. I muttered something about it being different with my DH as he is so gentle & considerate.

Great, I'm now getting flashes from this appt and I just want my mind to shut the hell up. I honestly think I must be evil for people to treat me in the way they have, it only seems logical. You wouldn't tell a nice person these sorts of things.

No no no. Nasty unprofessional people like him say such things to anyone. This is how HE operates not you.

Write it down in your safe place.

Do you use any techniques to center yourself, to calm your mind...

You can control people BUT you can control how you respond. You are going to pursue a complaint. This is a logical and sensible response.

It is ok to feel upset as he wasn't professional and has undermined you.

cannot control people..

Oh love, for you. Nice people are told horrible things by disturbing and predatory men who want to abuse their position of trust and power. I'd be seriously concerned about this man - and I'm so pleased you have some good real life support there.

You are not to blame for any of this.
.

As an aside, AskBasil and Caillin are most definitely women.

Unfortunately, predatory abusers are often drawn to 'caring' professions. Men like this shitbag think that they can get their jollies from patients without being punished as they believe (WRONGLY) that no one will listen to a 'mad woman'. They also get off on abusing the vulnerable.

None of this was your fault. This man was hugely unprofessional and sounds dangerous. I'm glad that your friend is going to help you put in a complaint - he should be sacked at the very least.

Fucking hell that man is vile.

Do not see him again and if you feel up to reporting him then do, glad you have the support of your friend.

As an aside I saw a male cpn after I had post natal psychosis and spent time in a psych unit. He was nothing but professional and brilliant. I also discussed previous sexual assaults, he did not minimise them in any way or talk about his own sex life (can't believe your creepy shit cpndid that! So out of line and not on). Mine was compassionate and understanding and the utmost professional. So I hope you get a lovely new cpn like I had.

Take care of yourself and don't believe a word that vile man said to you, xxx

Morning hope you are feeling a bit better and managed to sleep

Well I've had a horrible night's sleep but my lovely mil took the children to school so I could sleep a bit. I've called and let a message for my nice gp to call me back & her secretary has given me the contact info for the clinic. I've rung up the clinic & left a message for the team leader to contact me. I'm shaking like a leaf now.

It's possible that this horrible man has a track record for unprofessional, inappropriate behaviour. He might be new to this particular practice, having been shunted out of previous ones, and with any luck your complaint will be the last one ie enough to have him sacked and banned from the profession. Plenty of handholding and support available on MN for you, best of luck.

Rung mind's helpline and spoken to asomeone who put me straight through to their legal team. I didn't tell them even a fraction of what the cpn said and they told me he acted very unprofessionally. I'm going to speak to a local (well sort of local) mind advocate to get some support.

A massive thank you to you all for your support and care. This is what MN is for!

Itsmynamechange, it’s good to hear that you have some IRL support!
This thread hits close to home, something very similar happened to me once. Fucking creep tried to groom me when I needed help and wanted to visit me at home. I never let him do that, but I also never dared to make a complait & have really regretted that. I think it’s great that you’re actually planning to do that.
There is nothing wrong with you, you aren’t evil. The evil ones are those who prey on vulnerable people.

OP, I am positively spitting with anger on your behalf right now. What a disgusting, seedy fucker that CPN was. There is NO excuse for the things he said to you - he has abused a situation of power terribly. He is the one to blame here, not you. I'm so glad you have good support and you're not going to let this drop. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. You've been through some incredibly distressing things and it's OK to feel upset and angry about it all. hugs

I think there is greater awareness these days that not everyone who works in a 'helping' profession is actually fit for the job, and people are less inclined to take the attitude of 'But he's sucha Good Man in such a Caring Job, she must have misunderstood.'

I hope he gets prosecuted. Well done OP. Glad you have RL support too.

Glad you have real life support.

I absolutely do not want to derail this thread into details, but to clarify, NanaNina at no point did I or AskBasil say that this should not be reported. In fact if you read my post I said "if you feel up to it, then I think you should make a very serious formal complaint about him." It absolutely does not help to tell someone who's been abused that they must make a complaint. There is no must about it, it is totally up to the person themselves if they feel up to it, and at no point should they ever be made to feel that they are responsible for the sick fuck who abused them. They are not responsible. Making a complaint is a good thing, and every support should be given to a person who wants to complain, but if they feel their mental health isn't up to the stress of complaining then forcing them through that process is just victimising them all over again IMO.

Wow I am impressed OP, you are being very strong and very brave. VWD.

OP - Wow, you have been so busy, and so strong! Well done for feeling up to taking this forward.

Just to clarify, I agree with Cailin's point that you mustn't feel responsibility to report, my first post was meant to convey support in your analysis of the situation, not an obligation to 'fix' things with this man. You must be your first priority

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you've had this experience. It's good that Mind are now involved, they were very helpful to me when I raised a complaint about an aspect of my own care a few years ago.

I also just want to say that CailinDana and Askbasil were absolutely right with their advice. One of the worst things for me in the aftermath of being assaulted was the pressure from others that I must pursue it because what if he did it again to someone else? It was horrible and led to me feeling a guilt and responsibility that wasn't mine to feel, and contributed to my trauma.

I'm glad you have support OP and well done on the steps you've taken so far.

Thats great you made those calls OP

You are awesome itsmynamechange :) you did a great thing

I'm not awesome I promise. I've managed to keep up a good front so the children don't know anything is wrong but inside I'm a ball of writhing mess.

I appreciate the side discussion on reporting/not reporting as due to my OCD I am responsible for the whole world's wrongs anyway let alone now. If I don't report and the cpn goes on to actually abuse or deny that a client is being abused then I could have done something to stop it. On the other hand if I do report and its decided I'm just a hysterical delusional woman then perhaps I have wrecked his career for nothing. Or perhaps they will say I lead him to believe he could speak so candidly to me so I shouldn't be so sensitive.

I feel like I will be judged for reporting & judged for not.

Also I've never reported any of my rapes because who the hell would have believed me especiay after I stayed with xp for years after the initial rapes? I have no legal 'validation' or record of the events.

Blargh why does being abused/put in an inappropriate situation mean that you have yet more guff to carry around in your head? C

I'm not awesome I promise. I've managed to keep up a good front so the children don't know anything is wrong but inside I'm a ball of writhing mess.

We're going to have to agree to disagree because you're wrong. You are awesome, and brave, and clearly (whether you realise it or not) a very strong person.

Also "wrecking" the career of an admitted rapist who deals with vulnerable people is not something to be ashamed of! Whatever happens people will think of him differently now, and this might help a colleague who isn't trusting her judgment to speak up.

Itsmynamechange by even talking to your GP, MIND and asking to speak to the team manager, you have done something amazing. I am so sorry that you have been abused again by someone who should be there to help you.

No one here would judge you for not reporting, you are not responsible for this man's violent attitudes toward women. You are not responsible for what he has done to you. Even if his excuse is that you lead him to believe that he could speak openly, his opinions are so vile that he should know to keep them to himself. He sounds like a groomer, they also see how far they can go with their victims by saying outrageous things. I would be astounded if you were the first person to have complained about his inappropriate behaviour. The team should take your concerns seriously.

I am so glad you have real life support, and to see the support you have from the women on this thread. You are not some hysterical delusional woman, too many of us have been through similar and know how this plays out.

Do take care.