Need help on deciding whether to continue seeing this CPN

[Itsmynamechange]

I may post this on the MH board as well but for the minute I'd like to post in what I know to be a very supportive place.

I have a raft of MH issues inc. depression (PN & regular!), OCD (PN & regular) as well as possibly PTSD from various traumatic experiences inc. rape. Yes I am a mess

I have been referred to a CPN by my GP as my current set of meds just isn't cutting it and I am feeling suicidal. I saw the CPN today at a health clinic.

I was talking about my XP who raped me while I was asleep after I miscarried his baby due to a suicide attempt (first bf, rather naive as a teen, didn't know I was pg, rapes didn't happen directly after but a few weeks post miscarriage) and how when he gave up raping me he would still molest me while I slept (hands inside me etc).

The CPN told me he had done this to partners of his and he didn't see it as rape/abuse as it had been done by my then boyfriend and it 'he' (my XP) was feeling 'horny' that it would be normal for him to begin touching me sexually if I was sleeping next to him. I explain consent has to be given for it to be not assault/abuse as if you are asleep you can't consent let alone give enthusiastic consent. He seemed fairly shocked by this concept and suggested I post on facebook to see what other people thought (I had said I try to block out my thoughts by faffing about playing games/facebooking on my mobile rather than deal with life/the children).

We talked for quite a bit more after that and I brought up my being date raped on a 2nd date after I invited the man in question back to mine as the pub was a bit dead (he was a friend of a friend and it was early evening not kicking out time, neither of us were drunk so I thought I'd be safe). The CPN suggested I must have realised 'coming back to mine for a drink' meant come & have sex with me for most men. I explained I said no to sex, kept saying no to sex but gave up and went into shut down mode & let him get on with it (man was a lot taller & stronger than me and I was used to acquiescing to my XP's demands for sex [was easier than risking rape or more physical pain than usual]). The CPN then said something like 'ah, that was your OCD shutting you down'.

The CPN is now going to be paying me a home visit next week.

I don't know what to do (aside for eat my own body weight in valium as I'm feeling even more anxious than before the appointment)

I'm glad to hear you have some family support. Please do follow Basgettis suggestion and get them to phone and cancel the appointment .

You could always say that you woudl prefer to see a female CPN and then deal with the complaint aspect of it later, if /when you feel stronger .

Her point was, that being a victim of sexual abuse is not an excuse for making your comment. The same as being a victim of racism does not excuse making racist comments. It was just an analogy. She wasn't saying you had made a racist comment, at no point does she say you are racist, and she would have no way of knowing your ethnicity.

Well I've done it. I spoke to a female community liaison nurse blobby what's it as the team leader was unavailable who was lovely and reassuring. She cancelled the appt and is going to rearrange with another cpn. She's going to speak to the team leader so I don't have to keep talking about this and get back to me tomorrow about making a formal complaint if I feel up to it. I've had to take more Valium

Well done, you are very brave. It takes a lot of courage to do what you've done

Well done OP

I feel really creeped out by your CPN. I certainly don't think it's appropriate for him to continue in that role to you and I should inform his manager about his comments. And def make a complaint, not every woman will be as strong as you and he certainly sounds like someone who takes advantage of people's vulnerability. From my understanding, a CPN is not a trained psychologist/counsellor so lord knows why he felt discussing these difficult things in depth was his place in the first place?

It almost sounds like he's trying to rationalise these awful things as being due to your mental health, like he thinks you misread every situation ever because of it. You didn't!

Actually, I think NanaNina made a good point when she asked if the creepy man could in fact have been a bogus counsellor, or an unqualified (or in-training) one? It's certainly not unheard of.

Thinking of you OP.

Also are cpns in training allowed unsupervised access to patients? I would have thought they'd have a mentor with them all the time until the had qualified.

How are you feeling tonight, it's my name change ?

Absolutely terrible if I'm honest. I've a three day medical exam thing coming up soon and I don't k ow if I can cope with this cpn business hanging over me too. The children are being marvellous but I can't imagine it's fun for them to have a mum with my issues as well as another health problem (which they now seem to think is somatic because of my history of abuse). I seem to be constantly reminded/affected by the abuse even though it was a long lo g time ago. If I found out its caused a somatic disorder to I don't know what I'll do. How can someone's need to dominate/punish still be wrecking things for me. I find every day life full of triggers. Watched an episode of Angel tonight & it triggered me, I just feel so fucked up and fucked off that my xp is still affecting me after so long. I bet he'd love this. I just wish I could sleep & not have nightmares (or be a snivelling self pitying mess - sometimes I feel so embarrassed to be me).

.

Oh love, hang on in there. FWIW the abuse I experienced as an adult and child was over 30 years ago, I've had counselling and I've accepted that I still have no idea when or how I will be triggered by something unexpected just when I'm feeling fine. It's normal, it's natural and it's not our fault. Try not to focus on how the perpetrator of your abuse would feel about your response now, just allow yourself to grieve for yourself as and when you need to and don't feel bad about needing to. It's what you need to do to recover and live well in spite of it.

I know you feel shit, but I think you are showing incredible strength.

You are self-aware.
Proactively doing a lot to help yourself - your reading and your positive affirmations about thoughts passing.
Seeking help in RL from your DM and MH team.
Using your medication
Talking it through on here.

I admire you.

I've spoken to my gp today who wants to take things further with regards to making a complaint. She also wants to put me on another med beginning with m (not midazolam but similar sounding) but not sure if compatible with breastfeeding so she's going to check and get back to me.

I feel so down but I've taken the younger children to the park to try and take my mind off things. Not working yet but sometimes you have to fake it to make it

Mirazepam, perhaps?

It was mirtazapine but thanks Lancelottie

OP you are doing really well under the circumstances

There is good information here about drugs in breast milk

They can also give advice to your doctor or pharmacist about suitable alternatives , if that particular drug isn't ok for BF

Oops sorry , breast feeding network

here

It looks okay but because I take a tonne of other meds the gp would like me to have a complete meds review before prescribing anything else. But she was very supportive about pursuing a complaint about the appt and is looking into who/how for me.

Thats great that you have your GP - another healthcare professional, adds a bit of weight, hopefully they will act swiftly with an appropriate response.

Your GP sounds like there are really in your corner.

I didnt realise you had a littleie aswell. Bless you, your really have a lot on your plate. Im glad you got out, not always easy to when you are in a 'place'. It was lovely weather today. I hope it helps you sleep better.

I'm glad your GP is so supportive and professional .

I'm not suprised that she is keen you pursue your complaint -no decent HCP woudl want this man anywhere near their patients . I hope you are reassured by how seriously she is taking it.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down on yourself. Please don't ever be ashamed of being you -you are a strong survivor. You got out of a bad relationship and you have made a new life for yourself with children and a ( lovely I hope ) new partner .

Of course you are a snivelling wreck sometimes , we all are. At least you have a good reason to be upset, you are ill and you've had a crap week .

Kristina -my husband is an amazing, gentle, loving and supportive man. He's seen us through so many difficult times. I can honestly say I wouldn't be here without him. And he has his own issues (?AS?) so the support is two way if certainly weighted on my favour a lot of the time.

I also had a msg left by the community nurse liaison lady today to say she hadn't forgotten me, the person she needed to speak to was out of office currently but she was available for me to speak to if I needed to. Which was sweet of her as I'm not on her caseload she just happened to be the unfortunate one to pick up the phone.

You are sounding a bit brighter today. Is your mum still with you?

I'm glad to hear your DH is a lovely man

Hope you have a good weekend

Mum went home yesterday but my MIL (fabulous woman) is coming tomorrow to help out while I have my tests. She doesn't know about the events following Monday's appt though.

I took the youngest two out to the park & MacDonald's today SIOB so trying not to wallow but had mini panic attacks a few times.