Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

What would you say if your dh went to a lap dancing club?

190 replies

crazy88 · 16/03/2014 09:02

This is a hypothetical question but dh is away this weekend and I just have a sneaking suspicion that he may have done this, mainly because of which friends he has gone with, one of whom I know has used prostitutes on more than one occasion.

I am not suggesting for a minute that he would do this, or be unfaithful, or actually pay for a lap dance (he would feel too embarrassed!) but he would go along if other people were going to a club.

From a feminist point of view, what would you say? I need something suitably withering and fact based as I am feeling frazzled and stressed from looking after our 3 ds's all weekend whilst trying to get house ready for guests this week

OP posts:

dunsborough · 16/03/2014 09:18

"Get out".

That would be a dealbreaker for me as all respect would be gone.

Original poster

crazy88 · 16/03/2014 09:29

Harsh! But I respect your opinion. Anything else?

OP posts:

Hassled · 16/03/2014 09:33

I would be very disappointed in him. Disappointed that he could participate in the objectification of women in that way. And yes, I'd lose respect.

And he or someone else will tell you that the women enjoy it, that it's empowering, that they get paid well and there's no problem. I doubt that's true but even if it was, even if they grew up aspiring to be a lap-dancer and have reached their lifetime's ambition, it doesn't change my opinion that they are being objectified, that they are being belittled.

ExcuseTypos · 16/03/2014 09:40

I wouldn't want to be with a man who visited a lap dancing club. Id lose respect for him. Dh knows that so if he did go I'd take that to mean he didn't want to be with me.

Does your H know you don't approve of them?

Original poster

crazy88 · 16/03/2014 11:01

I'm fairly sure he knows I don't approve but I think my opini

OP posts:

Original poster

crazy88 · 16/03/2014 11:03

Opinion has changed over time. I am getting less tolerant as I get older!

OP posts:

Original poster

crazy88 · 16/03/2014 11:05

Incidentally, I have a friend (female) who has visited laodanc

OP posts:

DameFanny · 16/03/2014 11:08

"there's no point in coming anywhere near me until the image of prostituted women has faded" is what I said to mostly-D H after he went to one in Prague on a stag night

Original poster

crazy88 · 16/03/2014 11:08

Stupid iPhone!

Visited lap dancing clubs with her (female) gay friends and she enjoyed it but anyway, I am digressing.

I think you're right, it is an issue of respect, and I look forward to making that point. Vociferously.

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 16/03/2014 11:10

I'd think he was a bit weird and/or wanted out of the relationship.
Whilst I don't agree with prostitution I can see the point, at least something is achieved in the end, but a lap dance.
They are titillated, turned on and then go home. It seems like a weird prick tease with no benefits.

Original poster

crazy88 · 16/03/2014 11:15

Stag night was dh's last excuse damefanny, I knew he was going to do it and I didn't really say anything about it as was his best mate's stag do and I didn't want to spoil it for him or single him out (). His line when he got home was very much "they were all mingers anyway", and I'm ashamed to say that did make me feel better .

OP posts:

Original poster

crazy88 · 16/03/2014 11:18

morethanpotatoprints I agree, but it's like live porn innit? Something to feed fantasies but in RL and without being physically unfaithful.

OP posts:

Suttyshotty · 16/03/2014 11:32

I had the mother of all rows with my DP when he went to one, to the point that I packed his bags. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who had no moral compass and participated in the degradation and objectification of 50% of the population.
I asked how he would feel if his niece or sister we're dancing? I also sent him a very interesting article from the Guardian about the rise in sex attacks on women having a strong correlation to the opening of lap dancing clubs in certain areas.
He is generally lovely, if a bit daft and just had not thought about it. He had plenty of thinking time in the spare room for a week.
It almost caused us to split, and had he tried to justify his actions, I think that would have been the end for me.
I see it as paying for sexual services.
Sorry for the rant..I'm still quite cross!

TawdryTatou · 16/03/2014 12:00

"Goodbye".

Fairenuff · 16/03/2014 12:09

I knew he was going to do it and I didn't really say anything about it as was his best mate's stag do and I didn't want to spoil it for him or single him out

The problem with this is that neither of you is being honest with the other.

Personally, I want to be with a man who wouldn't allow himself to be physically dragged into one of those places, let alone 'go with the flow' or actually choose to go.

I don't want to tell him what to do, if he wants to go he can but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like that. If your dh goes it will be for one reason only - he wants to. It really is that simple.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/03/2014 13:30

But surely by trying to stop men from doing this is just as bad as trying to control them. Eventually they have enough of not being able to do what they want and find somebody else who will allow it. Or worse still, do it behind your back.
I don't understand why women get involved with people who have different values to themselves.
I wouldn't like it, so found a man who isn't interested in that type of thing. He's no angel though and neither am I, we both like porn. Whether this is better or worse is irrelevant because its something we both share.

antiabz · 16/03/2014 13:32

'Sign here' (points to divorce papers)

WoTmania · 16/03/2014 13:37

I'm not sure. I the past DH has turned down stag dos because lap dancing clubs were involved so it's not something I hope would ever be an issue.
However I have made my opinion on them known. AFAIA we share the opinion so if he went to one anyway I would seriously consider whether I wanted to be in that relationship.
morethan - I suppose I don't see it as controlling or stopping him going; he has every right to frequent somewhere like that and I have every right to end the relationship as a result if that makes sense. It's one of my 'probable' dealbreakers but like you I'm with a man who shares my opinion.

TessOfTheBaublevilles · 16/03/2014 16:15

It's difficult to say for certain, unless it actually happened, but I do know I'd be worried.

The reason I'd be worried is, that it would be totally out of character for my DH to do that, as I know he feels as strongly about these issues as I do.

DH had some issues in his first job, because he wasn't a "blokey bloke", and wasn't interested in gawping at topless women in papers/magazines and that kind of thing. The "blokey blokes" he worked with were really arses about it, they saw him as not being a "real man", it was a horrible situation for him.

So yeah, if he did visit such an establishment, something will have changed him as a person. In theory that would cause difficulties in our relationship.

nearlyreadytopop · 16/03/2014 16:21

I can honestly say dh would never visit a strip club. He recently turned down a stag trip because that would be included in it. He isn't a blokey bloke unlike the other males in my family. I think they respect him for it.
I do think that saying 'you can't do this because I don't agree with it' could be counter productive. The desire to go would still be there and that would bother me just as much.

FabBakerGirl · 16/03/2014 16:22

I wouldn't like it but I would like it even less he wasn't man enough to tell his friends, no he doesn't want to go to a lap dancing club. Being his own man is a prerequisite to being my husband.

WilsonFrickett · 16/03/2014 17:44

Mine did, with a client and under some duress. He hated it, absolutely hated it, and when he came home he said 'I am so, so sorry and you were so, so right.' So while I threw a shit-fit, I also thought that was a reasonable result and I know he's never been near anything like that since. It also wasn't in this country so wasn't overtly 'branded' as 'hey, we're going lapdancing' - it was 'we'll go in here for a drink, whoops, naked ladies isn't that hilarious MrWilson' so - eventually - I forgave him.

I was extremely disappointed he didn't just get up and walk out, but also pleased in a weird way because it moved his thinking on. Pity that's what it took though...

Thing is though OP, you're dp has done this once before and you said nothing, so how can you expect him to respect your feelings when you don't make them clear to him?

sooperdooper · 16/03/2014 17:51

Mine has, with some lads on a stag do. He told me upfront, I'm not bothered tbh, in a strip club there's no touching and it's not the same as visiting a prostitute, guess I'm in the minority here because I wasn't that bothered really, I might've been annoyed if he hadn't told me beforehand

SirChenjin · 16/03/2014 17:53

It would be a complete surprise, because he hates them and what they stand for. Tbh, I really can't imagine ever having the conversation with him, but if by some strange reason he did my reaction would firstly be to ask him if was OK (because it would be so out of character), secondly to ask why the hell he thought it was appropriate, and thirdly to ask why he didn't leave - and then I would decide what to do based on his answers to each.

Original poster

crazy88 · 16/03/2014 17:54

wilsonfricket I know I know, like I said my opinion has hardened over time, thing is I can't imagine he would think in a million years that I would think "you went to a lap dancing club? Wow, what a great idea honey!" But of course he could always claim I wasn't clear.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8