Christmas cards addressed using my husband's first name

[HeidiHole]

My husband and I are celebrating our first Christmas as a married couple.

Neither of us have legally changed our name to the surname of the other.
I'm still Miss Heidi Hole, and he is still Mr John Smith

As it means a lot to my husband, I have agreed for our first child (due May) to have his surname Smith. I'm as tolerant as possible of people calling me Mrs Smith, and have accepted that it will happen a lot more if people know my child is Master Smith.

Likewise, my husband has been referred to as Mr Hole, after I booked something for us in my name. He can accept this too.

However here's where I get really bloody angry. We have received numerous Christmas cards this year from his family addressed to Mr & Mrs John Smith

Firstly I have not changed any legal paperwork to Smith and the ASSumption that I have ticks me off. Thats not the big issue though, the big issue is the Mrs John Smith. My first name is Heidi, and it always has been. I am friendly with all of my husband's family, they call me Heidi to my face. They've never said "Hello John" because they know that's not my name.

As explained up post, if is was just Mr & Mrs Smith i'd let it slide with just some angry muttering. But I'm going to explode if I see yet another Mrs John Smith.

I absolutely refuse to have this happen every Christmas for the next 30 years. We don't see his family much as we just moved abroad. How do I stop this? Should it be my husband who drops into conversation that my name is Heidi, not John and perhaps they shouldn't be so fucking rude in future, or should I do it? And how should I do it? I'm sure they're not being ignorant on purpose, they're all lovely people and I'm sure they'd be sad if they knew how offensive they were being by airbrushing my name out of my life.

On a related irritating and gob smacking note NATIONWIDE BUILDING SOCIETY recently astounded me when I was getting an insurance quote: the only categories I was allowed to put for us were married, divorced, windowed, single or engaged. None of which apply to me. I had to put myself as engaged in the end, even though we are not.

It really drives me mad when I get letters addressed to mrs Thompson.It's NOT my name! What really pisses me off is it's not DH's name either.Stupid Post Office.Mrs Thompson lives at 12a!!

Astounding how many people still live in the 1950s and dismiss a woman's desire for her own identity as either irrelevant and churlish or even disrespectful to her husband! Mind-boggling.

I get very annoyed by Mr and Mrs DH Surname, but only get this from older relatives. I either address cards as Mr John and Mrs Jane Smith (if I know she prefers Mrs, otherwise Ms is my default) or address it to The Smith Family. I would never address a women by her husband's name. How condescending and insulting to her as an individual.

I didn't lecture anyone on tolerance. I was describing myself. I had hoped that sharing experiences might be illuminating for readers of this thread in general. It's a normal thing to do in open Internet forums.

Marriage certificate used to work for cheques, but doesn't any longer. is repeating that experience similarly intolerable here?

I'm really sorry, I must have been in a stinking mood that day.

I'm also lost ... repeating which experience?

But Xmas cards only come once a year - don't let it get to you.

Sorry, LRD - I think I was being far too snippy too.

I meant only the experience in the first half of that line - that married name cheques, which in the days before centralisation of functions could be presented with a copy of marriage certificate and paid into my name account, can no longer be processed in that way.

I think I was getting over strident as I think that Christmas correspondence (where thread started out) is indeed only a minor irritant, and also one that isn't really going to be changed by getting shrill.

Dealing with important correspondence is a different thing altogether, and parcels can be a complete pain and I can see that you've had different and intractable circumstances. I have however found that it can be worked round - you need to borrow ID of the addressee; or at least matching surname to the addressee. If DH's passport is at home, I take that plus Council Tax bill (both names showing household link). And if you ever cancel a lost credit card then find it whilst it's still in date, that is a useful thing for each to carry around without inconveniencing t'other - thus making it possible for him to pick up my parcels too.

Oh, no, you were fine. I think the real target of my irritation is the people who make me jump through hoops to use my name!

I will try your top about borrowing DH's ID - it didn't occur to me that was what you meant, I'm sorry.

I've picked up parcels addressed to DH himself (as opp to me as 'Mrs Dh' and never had an issue, so probably it would work fine). Thank you.

I'm fairly placid about it all in RL, just aware that some people do feel hurt or even angry when you use a name they don't expect or that doesn't display the family associations they thought you'd display. But I am sure for most people a Christmas card is, indeed, just a Christmas card and not very important!