Christmas cards addressed using my husband's first name

[HeidiHole]

My husband and I are celebrating our first Christmas as a married couple.

Neither of us have legally changed our name to the surname of the other.
I'm still Miss Heidi Hole, and he is still Mr John Smith

As it means a lot to my husband, I have agreed for our first child (due May) to have his surname Smith. I'm as tolerant as possible of people calling me Mrs Smith, and have accepted that it will happen a lot more if people know my child is Master Smith.

Likewise, my husband has been referred to as Mr Hole, after I booked something for us in my name. He can accept this too.

However here's where I get really bloody angry. We have received numerous Christmas cards this year from his family addressed to Mr & Mrs John Smith

Firstly I have not changed any legal paperwork to Smith and the ASSumption that I have ticks me off. Thats not the big issue though, the big issue is the Mrs John Smith. My first name is Heidi, and it always has been. I am friendly with all of my husband's family, they call me Heidi to my face. They've never said "Hello John" because they know that's not my name.

As explained up post, if is was just Mr & Mrs Smith i'd let it slide with just some angry muttering. But I'm going to explode if I see yet another Mrs John Smith.

I absolutely refuse to have this happen every Christmas for the next 30 years. We don't see his family much as we just moved abroad. How do I stop this? Should it be my husband who drops into conversation that my name is Heidi, not John and perhaps they shouldn't be so fucking rude in future, or should I do it? And how should I do it? I'm sure they're not being ignorant on purpose, they're all lovely people and I'm sure they'd be sad if they knew how offensive they were being by airbrushing my name out of my life.

Pornmonkey, I only deduced that it was because marriedinwhite apparently places such great store by etiquette. So it seemed impossible that she might wish to gracelessly insult someone who is trying to help her- which actually is what I was doing. That would make her quite the hypocrite, and I'm sure that can't be the case. It would also make you a bit of one too, since you apparently agree with the etiquette arguments she make but feel the urge to try and see someone insulted.

So I am saddened, nay troubled by your cynicism. Especially during this, the festive season.

Handdived: You tease! Who is it?

I have an exotic surname; it belongs to DH although before that I had my own exotic surname.

I'm just wondering ... all the people who imagine it's 'the correct form' ... what do you expect me to do if you address a parcel or a cheque to me under my husband's name? I won't be able to pay it in or pick it up from the depot, will I?

It's not 'correct' - it's rude and occasionally very inconvenient.

Bit of a red herring LRD.

Cheques are financial instruments, not part of social exchange, so one asks for them to be reissued. Parcels require matching ID to addressee - something easy to manage providing you are at the same address. These are not problematic scenarios.

No, you're incorrect. If you get a parcel at the depot not in your name, providing a different name at the same address is not sufficient. I know from experience.

The issue with cheques is social - I've found that people will insist on addressing cheques to me using DH's name, and are then offended when I say I cannot pay them in. In practice, what we did was to open an account in what people assume is my married name, but even that wasn't easy.

Do you seriously expect that you'd correct people if they sent a cheque using the wrong name, but not if they addressed other mail to you using the wrong name? Isn't that just a recipe for confusion and hurt feelings.

Well, actually, dh and I have never had a joint account. The only time we ever had problems paying in a cheque was when we received one payable to Mr and Mrs DH because neither of us could pay it in.

I may be an old dinosaur, but I have always had my own money and financial independence.

If you're married, you do actually have some responsibility for each other's debts.

But in any case, the joint account isn't really the point (except insofar as it's good to have equal access to shared money IMO) - I can't pay in a cheque if it's not addressed to me. I even tried taking in the marriage certificate to explain why I was getting cheques addressed to 'Mrs Hisname', but no go.

(Btw, I'm thinking of debts like council tax. I don't know how it works if you're not married but I know we're both liable for it now, even though on my own I wouldn't have to pay it at all.)

marriedinwhite concur with your comments. The cheque was a problem when we moved house and had to open an account just for that.

LRD: I have not changed name, live with 3 differently surnamed people and have no difficulty in providing suitable ID. You need to take the ID of the addressee. It's very easy, especially as (depending on carrier) instructions are provided on the card

I ask for changes to financial instruments, such as cheques. Or legal documents. They are important. I have never encountered circumstances where a cheque has nit been reissued.

Social correspondence is not corrected. So yes, ever since I married and did not change my name I have done exactly what you find so incredible. There are differences in degrees of importance; maybe I'm simply more tolerant of this.

Ok, that's nice for you that you don't have difficulty providing ID. But as I said, I have had this problem. They won't give me parcels if they're addressed to Mrs Hisname and I have no ID in that name.

If you have a solution, I'd be thrilled. But taking ID of the addressee does not in fact work. Could it be we're in different areas or something?

I'm not sure what you think I find 'so incredible'?

I didn't change my name. I don't routinely correct social correspondence, but I do sometimes find there are problems when people insist on using the wrong name. I think it would be a whole lot easier if people dropped this idea that 'Mr and Mrs John Smith' is the correct style for all married people.

The reason all of this stuff about cheques and parcels is relevant to social stuff like Christmas cards is that if someone has routinely sent you cards to 'Mrs John Smith', that person may not know the correct name to use for other things. So, do I let it go, then have to explain to (eg) my aunt that no, she has to rewrite the cheque because she's used the wrong name for me, the name she's put on christmas cards and I've not corrected? Surely that will be more annoying than saying nothing in the first place. So what is the solution?

All I'm saying is, it's not so simple as 'oh, just ignore it it's not problem'.

Well I don't know LRD I have been married for 21 years and have used dh's surname since our wedding day and my mother sent me a cheque payable to my maiden name this christmas .

In fact I remember when you used to be able to uncross a cheque and write on the back to make it payable to someone else.

Ooops! What did you do?!

I assume she just made a mistake?

The way I feel is, often people don't mean anything by using the wrong name. But if you don't correct them, they can be more offended. I know people who'd feel bad they were using the wrong name if they found out later on, so it's not always the right answer to just ignore it.

That happened to me, I have been ignoring it for 10 years, then someone gave me a cheque in my "married" name last year and I had to return it to them. I have no ID whatsoever in the "married" name, luckily the PO here never ask for ID when you pick up parcels. I just can't think of a very tactful way of telling people now, they don't seem to take the hint from, for example, my FB page being in my own name.

The older I get, the more ridiculous changing your name on marriage seems. It seems to cause all sorts of problems, whether you change it or not. I think everyone should just keep their own names. Much simpler all round.

LRD: being another 20+ with no name change, I do not have any "his name" ID and never have. The instructions for pick up however allow for this possibility. Tis is neither nice nor otherwise; it J's a case of following the instructions and taking (as I have said all along) addressee's ID. This definitely works for the Post Office and for UPS and one of the courier firms (can't remember which, but was only last week).

Having cheques and legal documents corrected is not difficult.

Having tolerance and refraining from correcting other adults in RL are both positive qualities, which I value more over time. As other posters have pointed out, this is something which surprising people get "wrong" after surprising lengths of time.

It's a minor matter, easily fixed; and not something on which any part of my self-worth or identity depends. Of course, for some people this may indeed be a major factor in their lives and I would expect them to be more vociferous about it, despite that tending to be counter-productive.

Ok, that's really great for you but why have they turned me down when I don't have ID? I have no way to prove I am the addressee!

Having cheques correcting is actually a right pain, IME, because people tend to see it as rude not to pay in a cheque promptly and get (understandably, perhaps) annoyed if you tell them they've used the wrong name, especially if you've not bothered to correct them previously because you thought it would be politer.

I do see that for you these are minor issues. They are usually pretty minor for me too. But you're being pretty rude saying they're not issues at all when I am telling you that yes, for me, actually they have been. Does it not occur to you for a moment that maybe my family is (gasp!) not exactly like yours, or maybe I don't quite have the front to say routinely 'ta for the cheque, lovely, but do just re-write it since it's the wrong name'.

You seem to be very keen to lecture me on tolerance. As I have told you, I don't generally correct people, but this does entail some problems, which I have described to you. A bit of basic courtesy would be to accept my experiences instead of repeating your different experiences.

Way to go LRD.
You've won the 'I had the first Mumnet spat of the year on the Feminism thread' award.

Oh, lolly, we did that ages ago!

But sorry, I was snapping.

It's just that although there are of course ways around the problem of people insisting on using your DH's name for you, it would be much simpler if people would just accept that everyone can choose what they want to be called and drop this idea that 'correct etiquette' should win out over convenience and politeness to the other person.

I don't mind people calling me 'Mrs Hisinitial Hisname' as a one-off, but IME the same people who do that do tend to get very upset about re-writing cheques or other problems, because they see it as me 'making problems'. I'd just love to live in a world where this wasn't an issue - even a small one!

For those expressing concern about id, if you are married, can't you take a copy of your marriage certificate with you?

I have done that with the bank before, and they say no. But I was quite cross, because Barclays were being idiots in several ways, so maybe other banks would be more accepting. We certainly found Halifax was willing to let us open an account as 'Mr and Ms Hisname' by using the marriage cert, even though they accepted I hadn't changed my name. So that may be the answer.

I really noticed all of this just after we got married, when people did a lot of kind-but-misguided sending of stuff in our married names. TBH, I would be a bit worried if I could claim a parcel addressed to 'Mrs J Smith' using ID saying 'Ms LR Dragon', since there were upwards of 20 people living in the house we were in before we moved, and it would have been ridiculously easy to steal things!

If I do get another parcel to Mrs Hisname, I will try the marriage cert thing (and will bring along my bank statements from the account in that name just in case), and will try to remember to report back! But wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have to bother?

I'm with you OP. I can just about hack Mr and Mrs John Smith, but addressing me alone as Mrs John Smith is pretty offensive. The ultimate insult (and IMO a deliberate one from MIL to 'put me in my place') was a letter addressed to Mrs John James Smith! 3 names used and not one that belongs to me!

This would bug the hell out of me. I have 3 dc who like you have DPs surname as was important to him. We are not married so I have a different surname. This does seem to help as, although we do get cards adressed to "The s, which I don't mind as class myself as an honorary , I never get the Mrs Husband Name Surname. I find this ridiculously old fashioned and offensive nowadays. It may be a generational thing though as my grandmother insists on it.