Christmas cards addressed using my husband's first name

[HeidiHole]

My husband and I are celebrating our first Christmas as a married couple.

Neither of us have legally changed our name to the surname of the other.
I'm still Miss Heidi Hole, and he is still Mr John Smith

As it means a lot to my husband, I have agreed for our first child (due May) to have his surname Smith. I'm as tolerant as possible of people calling me Mrs Smith, and have accepted that it will happen a lot more if people know my child is Master Smith.

Likewise, my husband has been referred to as Mr Hole, after I booked something for us in my name. He can accept this too.

However here's where I get really bloody angry. We have received numerous Christmas cards this year from his family addressed to Mr & Mrs John Smith

Firstly I have not changed any legal paperwork to Smith and the ASSumption that I have ticks me off. Thats not the big issue though, the big issue is the Mrs John Smith. My first name is Heidi, and it always has been. I am friendly with all of my husband's family, they call me Heidi to my face. They've never said "Hello John" because they know that's not my name.

As explained up post, if is was just Mr & Mrs Smith i'd let it slide with just some angry muttering. But I'm going to explode if I see yet another Mrs John Smith.

I absolutely refuse to have this happen every Christmas for the next 30 years. We don't see his family much as we just moved abroad. How do I stop this? Should it be my husband who drops into conversation that my name is Heidi, not John and perhaps they shouldn't be so fucking rude in future, or should I do it? And how should I do it? I'm sure they're not being ignorant on purpose, they're all lovely people and I'm sure they'd be sad if they knew how offensive they were being by airbrushing my name out of my life.

i don't like it either, but since i've spent the last 5 years trying (and failing) to impress upon ds1's teachers that i do not share his surname, and that calling me mrs XXX is doubly irritating since i am in fact divorced from his father, i am fairly relaxed about names, and regularly answer to my maiden name, mrs 1st husband's name, and mrs 2nd husband's name.... the only difficulty is remembering which one i need to use in which scenario.

Heidi, I am in a very similar situation to you!

This is my and DH's first xmas as a married couple. We got married in August. His Dad, DH AND myself all mentioned during our speeches that I wasn't taking his name. Still family members and friends who came to the wedding have addressed the cards to Mr & Mrs J Smith. It is SO OUTDATED.

The school are great I have to say. I have been called Mrs Smith on occasion, which doesn't really bother me, but also Mrs ds's Mummy, Mrs dd's Mummy and by my actual name as well. I totally forgive the school. As long as they know my dcs names etc that is what matters there. It is the close friends, who have known me all my life, that bother me. Even if it isn't important to them, don't they care how I feel?

RoastParsnips - snap, people don't seem to have any trouble remembering that DH is a Dr. The thing is though, I should have made it clearer at the time that I was not changing my name, if I am in doubt about people I know I would put X and Y DHsurname if they were married so it's not unreasonable really for people to assume that. It's the ones that know full well that annoy me.

My school are very good too, the occasional member of staff get's it wrong but on the whole they use my correct name both in conversation and on paper. I do spend a lot of time there for various reasons though and it is a small school.

I never changed my name. Friends usually address Christmas cards to either just me on the envelope (everyone inside card) or my and dh's first names only on the envelope.

My Mum, God love her addresses card to my full name, dh's full name.

Only Dh's Gran still sends card to Mr and Mrs Dh's full first name dh's surname. I have told her that my name never changed so either she is thick or does it to annoy me. Either way, it reflects badly on her. I don't open anything without my actual name on it.

I get why you are angry. If people are not respectful of you enough to get your name right then why should you worry about offending them by informing them of your correct name.

I've had the same issue for almost 10yrs, all of Dhs family (knowing I have kept my name), have addressed mr and mrs dh firstname dh lastname. I understand elderly relatives doing this, but not his younger siblings who have asked why I kept my name etc. at various times.

Really has peed me off this year; partly as I write all of the cards to his family, remember all birthdays (send cards and gifts) and; also, I think it's the thought that counts... and in these instances it shows they have given very little thought to me.

Next year dh can send their cards, I'm done!

Also had this issue and dealt with it by:
(a) polite explanation, then clearly writing our names in our card to them
(b) sending them cards in their separate and prior to marriage names
Like slug suggested (c) doing a "reverse" and using Mrs and Mr Her First Initial Surname
(d) finally binning any cards addressed like that and not sending any back

It is getting there gradually. I refuse to be lose my identity to a man - even on I love!

One of my friends from my college days who is only 30 sent a card addressed to mr & mrs 'DH's initial' 'Our surname' so not an age thing.

Mr and Mrs John Smith = a married couple
Mrs Jane Smith = a divorced woman
Miss Jane Smith = an unmarried woman

They are statements of fact and etiquette. It is completely correct to address a christmas card for you and your husband to Mr and Mrs John Smith. Anything else would be incorrect.

At work I am name + marriedandwreathedinholly and there I don't use a title.

As a parent I am Mrs mandwinholly.

At home I am mummy, name, and formally Mrs DH mandwinholly.

What is your problem? Absolutely noone is being rude to you.

I'm afraid it annoys me. It's not my name. So it's factually incorrect. Why do so many people assume you can't cause offence by getting people's names wrong? And why is it still so widespread? Are women's identities so unimportant?

sorry how am i meant to send your cards??

Mr John Smith and Miss Jane Upidy (even though you are married!!)

Gee I need lessons!!

YY. And what irritates me even more is people telling me not to get het up about it, have I nothing bigger to worry about...yadayada, as if I don't have the right to fret over something that isn't somehow life-threatening or some such bollocks (as if they never do...!!).

It pisses me off. It just does. Especially when it comes from people I have known for years and years and yet who have only met my DH a handful of times, and yet suddenly my name isn't relevant in the equation (not to mention getting title wrong - Ms not Mrs).

Why does anyone have the right to know a woman's marital status, even a complete strangers and yet this is so important that the same rule doesn't apply to men?

If someone has chosen to not change their name on marriage then how is it polite and correct etiquette to respect what someone has chosen to call themselves. My identity is not that of a possession of my husband which is why anything addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname Hissurname either gets bombed without opening or he opens it.
Given that DH doesn't even open bills addressed to both of us (which I still don't understand why that can't be alphabetical not his name first) some of the post can have dust before its opened.

If marital status is worthless and not worth mentioning why get married at all. When I married my DH I did so because I loved, because he was (and is) a good, kind and honourable man, and because of all those things I remain proud to be his wife, proud to be Mrs DH Marriedandwreathed in Holly, proud to still wear his ring, blessed in God's name, proud to have had his children.

Some things just are and there are far more things to get excited about.

One of my SIL's got married abroad, I was mightily ticked off when I addressed the first card afterwards to Mr and Mrs dh name new surname because she was not using his name. Ever since (16 years now) I address the card only to sil because I clearly couldn't get it to her satisfaction. It was a nice card, it was a nice gesture, it was sent with love and with kindness - it was thrown back in my face and by my mil rather than sil. I have no idea how I am supposed correctly to address her and no idea why she didn't tell me personally how she would like to be addressed. I think it was a basic lack of courtesy.

It would piss me off too. I did change my name on marriage (just my surname though) and the first birthday after that MIL sent me a card addressed to Mrs DH Slowly, rather than Mrs B Slowly and that really hacked me off.

Come at that from a different angle - if marital status is so important that everyone needs to know, why don't men change from 'Mr' when they get married?
Just because I love someone who loves me doesn't mean we need to share a name and it certainly doesn't have to be his!

Just because I am married doesn't mean I need everyone to know about it, I don't define myself primarily in terms of marital status - I've mentioned it here because its relevant.

As far your SIL's communication about her name, well its unfortunate. I have been clear and polite from the start with all our relatives about what my name is. If one of them told me they wanted to be known as Mr and Mrs Mickey Mouse from now on then it would be polite to address them as that. How is that any different from wanting a card addressed to Ms B Lugosi and Mr C Lee?

Op you are right to be annoyed. It is lazy and inconsiderate of them to use that kind of outdated and offensive language.

I have old etiquette books which have letter writing sections telling people to address married people mr and mrs John smith but since those books also have sections on not having sex before marriage, masturbation causes illness in the mind and homosexuality is evil then I tend to dismiss their 'advice'. Offensive is offensive- why should sexism be ok when it is universally acknowledged that racism isn't?

I'm in the same position with names, and had this a lot to begin with. But it's really faded out now and most people just address things to both of us normally, or sometimes with DH's surname. I used to get furious about it but it doesn't bother me much any more, which I think is a result of getting more comfortable with being married, whereas at the start I felt I'd mistakenly submitted to a patriarchal oppression, really. Now I feel it's a more personal state.

I found a good way to mention it was to say that someone else had sent a card / written a table place name for me etc. and remembered I still use my name and how thoughtful that was. Or to say that they'd spelt my name correctly (doesn't work if your name's not routinely misspelled ). Then they realised without my having to talk to them directly. Or say to a sympathetic family member and ask if they can give them a nudge about it.

I'm not married to DP and yet and some of my older relatives addressed cards this year to Mr XXX YYY and family. I just shrug my shoulders...

I agree with all marriedandwreathed said.
I do think there are more important things to worry about in life than friends not always remembering who has or has not changed their surname.
Also, It wood be interesting to know why some women feel their identity would be lost by taking their dh name.
Does that also mean that they also do not wear a wedding ring as that is a sign of belonging to someone?
I personally am happy to be known by dh name and still am my own person.

vixsatis I took my husband's surname because I have no relationship with my father and hated being identified by his name. I would rather take the name of a man I have chosen than one who was biologically foisted on to me.

I think I have just as much right to expect to be addressed as I wish, which incidentally (in case any of you are writing next year's ccard list) is Ms Myfirstname Hislastname.

Mind you, I think you all get a lot more Christmas cards than me so the problem doesn't arise that often...

My first foray into Feminism so go easy.

I do think it's a complex area, DP and I aren't married but I'll answer to Mrs M if the person I'm talking to doesn't know (usually school).

For couples who are married where the wife has changed her name I'll use Mr and Mrs but no initial. Generally there aren't more than one married couple in a house so you don't need to be clear on which Mr and Mrs H you mean. If you care enough about someone to send a card you should care enough to get their name right.

Kahlua
I wouldn't feel that my identity would be lost if I took my DHs name but that is not the reason why I have decided not to. I just don't see the point of this convention and don't feel the need to change my name after getting hitched.

However, perhaps some people would feel uncomfortable supporting in any way the old tradition of fathers 'selling' their daughters to men and then women changing their name to indicate whose property they were....