Christmas cards addressed using my husband's first name

[HeidiHole]

My husband and I are celebrating our first Christmas as a married couple.

Neither of us have legally changed our name to the surname of the other.
I'm still Miss Heidi Hole, and he is still Mr John Smith

As it means a lot to my husband, I have agreed for our first child (due May) to have his surname Smith. I'm as tolerant as possible of people calling me Mrs Smith, and have accepted that it will happen a lot more if people know my child is Master Smith.

Likewise, my husband has been referred to as Mr Hole, after I booked something for us in my name. He can accept this too.

However here's where I get really bloody angry. We have received numerous Christmas cards this year from his family addressed to Mr & Mrs John Smith

Firstly I have not changed any legal paperwork to Smith and the ASSumption that I have ticks me off. Thats not the big issue though, the big issue is the Mrs John Smith. My first name is Heidi, and it always has been. I am friendly with all of my husband's family, they call me Heidi to my face. They've never said "Hello John" because they know that's not my name.

As explained up post, if is was just Mr & Mrs Smith i'd let it slide with just some angry muttering. But I'm going to explode if I see yet another Mrs John Smith.

I absolutely refuse to have this happen every Christmas for the next 30 years. We don't see his family much as we just moved abroad. How do I stop this? Should it be my husband who drops into conversation that my name is Heidi, not John and perhaps they shouldn't be so fucking rude in future, or should I do it? And how should I do it? I'm sure they're not being ignorant on purpose, they're all lovely people and I'm sure they'd be sad if they knew how offensive they were being by airbrushing my name out of my life.

I think 'Mr and Mrs John Smith' is just a way of saying 'Mr John Smith and his wife', they're not actually saying they think your name is John. Some people think it's correct/polite to address married couples like this.

It's quite an old-fashioned and outdated thing though, and does make the woman's name seem invisible/irrelevant, which I can see is a bit annoying. Especially as it never happens the other way round!

I would ask yourself if it's worth getting so upset and angry about though, as you say I'm sure no one is trying to offend or insult you. Just do a and let it go, would be my advice.

And we do get stuff addressed to Mr and Mrs DP, although we're not even married (and I wouldn't change my name if we were!)

Still wouldn't say anything to them, or get upset by it. It's just how some people are, they like to feel they're doing things the correct/formal/traditional way, or to show off that they know 'proper' etiquette (even though it isn't really these days). It would seem a bit precious/petty to make a fuss about it, especially as they were nice enough to think of you and bother to send you a card wishing you well.

Remember, there's a fine Christmas tradition of tolerating odd/annoying relatives :)

Same here, it drives me nuts, I can just about swallow it at Christmas when it is Mr and Mrs because a lot of them are from relatives who I don't see that often and who have assumed, but the worst is my birthday, when it is mostly cards from my friends and every bloody one of them puts Mrs MyInitial DHSurname on all the cards, even though I never ever use his surname or Mrs but as I don't want to cause offence I have been putting up with it for 11 years now.

I was discussing it with a mum at the school gate a while back who said "ooh, my sister is like you, we just do it to wind her up, we think it's funny, maybe I'd better stop" Grrr. I hope she did stop.

my MIL does this, the card arrived today addressed Mr & Mrs (dh initial)button.

pisses me right off for most of the reasons already stated.

mil is divorced but has kept her married name so perhaps i should start sending everything addressed mrs (exH) button.

MN has really opened my eyes to the amazing range of issues people get het up about. It's very educational.

it happens to me, too, OP, and it's from MY bloody mother, and since she knows I haven't changed my name (because we had a fight about it) I wonder if she does it to tick me off, or in the hopes that I'll give in eventually.

Apparently if you address a married woman as Mrs Herfirstname Hislastname, you are saying she's a widow. it's Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname if he's alive.

DH hates it as much as I do. In front of my mother he picked up an envelope addressed like that and went "oh look darling, someone's writing to the amazing powers of my magical phallus again."
DM looked blank, and he elaborated "Oh, so magical it made blackcurrants a man and gave her my name!"
She didn't laugh.

I can't believe people are saying they'd ignore it - why?

People who care about etiquette are (or should be, given the point of etiquette) people who will care most about you being addressed by what you feel is your proper name. Just let them know that you're Ms Heidi Hole and he's Mr John Smith. If you've been a bit quiet about the names not changing, they may not know. A quick - 'thanks for your card, for future reference, the postman was a bit surprised as I don't usually use DH's name' is fine I think.

The only people I've had who've been offended were my cousin's wife, who took it as a slight to her for changing her name (but she's capable of taking offense at anything), and my dear mother, who knows I've not changed my name but persists in believing it might offend dear DH to have his wife use her own name.

Most people, honestly, would rather know now than find out later.

Btw, rilla, I always thought Ken was a bit wet ... but is he good in bed?

Ta now, I was always curious about that one.

"John Jones and his Mrs" might be correct, but it's still rude. That's why rules are changed.

If it's DHs second cousin twice removed whom I've never seen, I can at least try to understand why he sends a card to "John Jones and his wife". Obviously he has heard that DH has a wife but no idea who that person is.

But why would the people who know me or actually know me better send cards to "his wife"? They do know who I am.

Hahaha, LDR, I always thought Ken was much less interesting than either of his parents and wondered if they were disappointed!

I'd ignore it because to me it just doesn't matter. Unless there's some actual effect of them getting my name wrong (e.g. on a cheque), it doesn't seem worth the effort. It would seem quite petty and rude to me to get in contact with people I hardly ever even see, to inform them that they got my name wrong on the envelope containing the Christmas card they were kind enough to send me.

To be fair, I used to get all het up about these things when I was younger, just can't see the need for it any more though. Maybe because I have both a first name and a surname that are often misspelled/mispronounced, I've gotten used to people calling me all kinds of random things!

Yes, me too - dare I say, I think LM went off a little with Ken, TBH. He was very cardboard cut-out.

Incidentally, I remember thinking that 'Harmon' and 'David' were some kind of unusual Canadian women's names since she refers to 'Mrs Harmon Andrews' and so on consistently through the books.

TBH, LDR, by the time it got to Rainbow Valley, I think it had all gone a little downhill (no offence, Rilla!). Just not as good as the proper Anne books, sadly.

True.

I wonder if Anne was a proto-feminist? Probably not, sadly.

Well, she did work (at least before marriage) - I wonder how common that was then? I know quite a few of the female characters also worked, but by no means all of them. And she funded herself through university, and didn't put up with any shit from male characters... There could be an argument for it...

I only read the last one (Rilla of Ingleside) last year, to DD, - learned a lot about WWI.

The Mrs HisName ... format really does belong to that era, doesn't it? My mother was a stickler for most matters of 'form' but she always addressed herself as Mrs HerInitials... - died this year at 86, so really, I don't think there's much excuse for anyone younger slavishly following the old patriarchal rule.

However - on xmas envelopes, I just plough through the address book and exactly what I end up writing can be a bit random unless I've specifically noted some preference in there. I might get picky with other forms of correspondance but not xmas cards.

FWIW it is worth trying to point out the difference early on. I have received a cheque for the dcs every Christmas for years from a lovely friend of my dmum's. It has always been addressed to me but in my Mrs form which does not appear on any document I own and which I do not use.

I used to take my marriage certificate and passport into the bank when I cashed it and they accepted it and cashed the cheque so I didn't tell the lovely friend as I feared it would just make her feel awkward.

This year she has sent another generous cheque for the dcs and the bank will no longer cash it, even though they know it is for me etc because things have become more strict with identity theft etc.

Now, after 10 years of this, I have to write to this lovely lady and send back her generous cheque and explain that I can no longer cash it. I am mortified as I now feel rude.

It would have been so much better if I had just cleared up the misunderstanding straight away.

That's exactly how I fell RoastParsnips, if I had said something sooner I wouldn't feel so awkward about it but 10 years down the line I think they would all think I had suddenly gone funny on them. I am considering buying some address labels with my proper name on and sticking them on the back of all envelopes from now on.

I had the cheque thing with my brother recently, could have sworn he knew....

One of my small acts of rebellion is to address items to Mrs and Mr Woman's first name, Woman's last name.

That made me grin, Slug. I enjoyed sending my friend her anniversary card to Dr and Mr Friendsname this year - both because I am so chuffed for her that she's finished her PhD, and because it confuses people so much. Lots of folk who see "Dr and Mr" on something assume it's a gay couple Women have been getting PhDs and becoming doctors for what, 100 years now? But you wouldn't think so, sometimes!

Mistletoes I have already sent 11 or 12 address labels with dh's name and my name on them to this family: one on each card, in the hopes that the penny would drop, but I am sorry to say it didn't work. Hopefully it will work on your family, especially after a few years, when they can't claim they thought they were just left over from before the wedding!

Slug I love it - I shall adopt that from now on

Somebody sent me and DH a card (written to us both inside) addressed to:

MillyR etc...

I am also as my dh is a Dr too so they already have to think about not putting the usual Mr and Mrs, and seem to remember the Dr but not who I am.

I get a few cards addressed to Mr and Mrs John Smith. It infuriates me.

I've not corrected anyone yet, but will start when I see them this Christmas. My policy is roughly - those over 65, let it go. Those under 65, tell them (very nicely and with a big smile on my face) that it isn't my name and it makes my teeth itch.

I'll let you know how I get on.