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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

"Wifework"

214 replies

jamaisjedors · 29/09/2010 22:04

I would have liked to post this in cognitive dissonance but it's all a bit erm... muddled and off track there so I thought I'd start a new thread based on this comment from the thread:

"Sakura Wed 29-Sep-10 11:48:51

... Read "wifework" by Maushart and you'll find that a husband increases the workload for a woman."

DH is away for 2 days, and this evening I have SO much more time on my hands.

Is this true for everyone?

Is it just because there isn't someone else to talk to?

Surely the workload (2 DSs house, garden etc.) should have doubled?

Any thoughts ?

OP posts:
foreverastudent · 29/09/2010 22:06

That is probably my favourite feminist book. I made dp read it before I allowed him to move in.

Although as cohabitation becomes the norm I think what she talks about is applicable in most cohabiting relationships too.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 29/09/2010 22:08

I haven't read it.

I am a little scared too (although I have recently read "The Wife" - fiction).

I fear my cognitive dissonance (and my marriage) may fall around my ears.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 29/09/2010 22:14

I haven't read the book but DH has been away for 4 days and, much as I love him, it has been a lot easier without him. Not even sure why, it is very bizarre.

JaynieB · 29/09/2010 22:15

I haven't read the book but its soo soo true, my DP was away for a week and rather than it being tough, the week was a breeze! Walking the dog all the time was a bit crap though.
The food is much better now he's back though.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 29/09/2010 22:17

Here too Thecrackfox.

And yet he is complaining that he will be exhausted for his next upcoming work trip, because I am going away the week before (also for work).

BUT he gets fed up of colleagues/friends asking him "oh your wife's away, whose going to look after the children?" as if it were some big deal.

OP posts:
happysmiley · 29/09/2010 22:18

It's a fascinating book. Although I mainly had the housework sorted, it was the listening/emotional work that I got screwed on before I read the book (which was quite recently). I'd get home and spend hours listening to all DH's problems and mine never got a look in. Being aware of what was going on has helped immensely. Before I just had a general feeling of being unsupported in our relationship, now I understand why. I'm lucky in that DH seems to have reacted well to this revelation and is doing his best to address it but not sure what I would/could have done if he wasn't.

If I have one criticism of the book, it's that although it's full of great analysis, it's precious short of strategies to remedy the situation.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 29/09/2010 22:20

Interesting happysmiley.

I think I DO spend a lot of time listening to DH's work issues etc. and mealtimes are a battle when we are all together because I feel like I have 3 males fighting for my attention and trying to get a word in!

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 29/09/2010 22:24

I don't find life easier when DH is away.

I did when I was a SAHM though.

Drusilla · 29/09/2010 22:25

You need to talk to some of the people in Forces sweethearts :) This is a known phenomenom - you think it's going to be so much harder when DH is away for 6 months but the reverse is always true!

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 29/09/2010 22:27

Interesting Drusilla!

Sometimes the logistics are more complicated (pick-ups from the childminder etc.) but the rest is more peaceful.

I think I am someone who needs a lot of solitary time so I like the headspace (and the QUIET!).

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 29/09/2010 22:31

I think one issue is that the DCs have been quicker to "just do as they are told", whereas if DH was here the boys would be more likely to try and play DH and I off against each other.

happysmiley · 29/09/2010 22:36

I was quite surprised. I knew I told DH about things that worried me but was also aware of the fact that they never got sorted out. Now I understand that it's because we never really discussed them in any depth.

It's been interesting trying to have these discussions over the last few weeks. We started with one specific problem I have. When I first tried to talk about it he decided that he had that problem too but hadn't mentioned it before Confused. I pointed out why my issues were much more severe. Next he changed the subject to how my problem affected him Angry. Once we got back on track it turned out that he had another similar but different problem that I needed to be sympathetic to Hmm. Finally we got there but it has made me realized just how used he has gotten to talking about himself.

domesticslattern · 29/09/2010 22:38

That book is so ranty and not particularly well-written, but really hit a nerve in the slattern household. A friend recently got married (massive white wedding, all on credit), and I only just managed to restrain myself from giving to to her as a present. Imagine how that would have gone down?Smile

happysmiley · 29/09/2010 22:40

I also want to hand it out to all my single friends before it's too late!

NonnoMum · 29/09/2010 22:46

I find that instead of having a great big proper evening meal that generates loads of washing up etc, I have a piece of toast when DH is away.
Or eat a couple of fishfingers with the DCs.
SOOOOO much less work.

foreverastudent · 29/09/2010 22:47

yes, my dp comlains when there are loads of dirty dishes and doesnt get it when i explain to him that when i make a meal i use a fraction of the cutlery/crockery etc that he does

sunny2010 · 29/09/2010 22:49

God no everything is difficult when my husband is away. He has only ever been away from me for one whole night since our daughter was born and it was awful. It was when she was a baby and I had to get up and do all the feeds and then get up in the morning and didnt have anyone with me to take turns or sit with me. When she was born I never had to do a whole nights feeds to myself so when he had that night out when she was 4 months I thought it was horrible.

My husband has done loads of days and nights without me but I dont like doing them without him but luckily he doesnt really go out anywhere for all night or too late much so it means I dont have to.

My husband doesnt get in until 9 2 nights a week and 7 the other 2 nights but kiddy bedtime is 6.15 in here so I just put her down and then spend hours on the internet or watching tv. I do the same when hes here too. I dont iron, wash clothes, make sandwiches for my husband ever and never have done. He likes to do them all himself because he likes things just so.

My usual day involves get up make breakfast for our daughter, both of us going in shower, hoover and put stuff away, then have a few hours for net/playing. Then 6 hours at work then come back daughter straight in bed and night to myself. I do however make tea but do stir in sauce with meat, pasta and cheese or mcdonalds/chinese. Dependent on how much effort I feel like putting in.

My daughter gets fed at nursery so its just the two of us so doesnt need to be that healthy. He cooks dinner on weekends though as he has a thing for cooking things like fish with potatoes or a roast and I dont know how to do it yet. (I am an extremely novice cook and only learnt how to fry or boil an egg 18 months ago). He also has one day off a week but he does do a volunteer placement that day and usually he blitzs the place and tidies up before he goes on that as he has the mornings doing childcare and then he drops her off at my work and goes home for his 2 hours and does cleaning.

My one rule is having a tidy living room but I often dont bother with the kitchen as I cant see it. I also have a hatch which means I just throw everything through and make massive piles. Then go through and pile it all in to the drawers, and he sorts out on his day off.

Tips are live really minimalistically so there is not much stuff to worry to.Anything for my husband I throw under this table we have with a blanket over and then he sorts it, kid stuff throw in toy boxs in room and anything else I throw through the hatch in to the kitchen to be sorted out at the weekend!

TheCrackFox · 29/09/2010 22:50

My Dh is a chef and whilst he cooks beautiful meals at home he also uses every single sodding pan/bowl/utensil in the entire kitchen. Naturally, i then tidy it up.

foreverastudent · 29/09/2010 22:54

sunny- how old is your dd? I think your routine will change quite a bit as she gets older.

Quattrocento · 29/09/2010 22:54

If DH is away, my workload trebles. This is because he does more around the house than I do.

From which I deduce that the OP has married the wrong man. And worryingly, it sounds as though there are an awful lot of wrong men out there.

So why are you all marrying them? Faute de mieux? If all these sexist blokes remained unmarried then they hopefully wouldn't reproduce (geddit) the pattern in the next generation

sunny2010 · 29/09/2010 22:57

Shes nearly 3. I know I worried that I would have to cook properly during the week everyday as its a secret we dont eat healthily as we do when she is up or watching! She is going breakfast and after school club though when she starts school and I have found one that cooks meals so I get out of it lol.

foreverastudent · 29/09/2010 23:01

quattrocentro- I think it's that these men dont start out like that but once you're married and have DCs they have a licence to act like DCs themselves (it reminds me of the book/film The Firm)

wastingaway · 29/09/2010 23:02

Quattro, that's what we're all trying to figure out!

sunny2010 · 29/09/2010 23:13

I think I didnt get in to that type of relationship as when I met my husband I couldnt work an iron. I had even never used a hob. Even I find the last bit a bit ridiculous now as I was 18. I had never even tried simple things like boiling pasta in a pan. We moved in together quick and I just didnt do any cooking or ironing at all. He used to iron my uniform for work as he used to say you cant go in like that (he is actually an ironing freak so god knows why he got with me),and everything else I just used to buy tight so it wouldnt need ironing. He used to cook for us some nights but the rest we just used to live on a load of rubbish. I do now attempt to iron kids clothes as they arent too bad as they are small. I have still never ironed anything of his though and still dont bother ironing my own.

He had that for 1 and a half years cohabiting and 4 years of marriage before DCS so now when I cook him chilli with Uncle Bens he acts like I am Nigella Lawson Grin

frgr · 29/09/2010 23:13

"these men dont start out like that but once you're married and have DCs they have a licence to act like DCs themselves"

Only if you let them and they have a natural tendancy to become like that (perhaps due to upbringing)

Not all men are like that; H is far better at running a household than me (we both work 3 days a week, overlapping on one day). I don't want to sound smug, and at the risk of sounding un-feminist... i genuinely believe that if the female is happy with the status quo being so unfair in a relationship.. well where is the incentive to change....