"Wifework"

[jamaisjedors]

I would have liked to post this in cognitive dissonance but it's all a bit erm... muddled and off track there so I thought I'd start a new thread based on this comment from the thread:

"Sakura Wed 29-Sep-10 11:48:51

... Read "wifework" by Maushart and you'll find that a husband increases the workload for a woman."

DH is away for 2 days, and this evening I have SO much more time on my hands.

Is this true for everyone?

Is it just because there isn't someone else to talk to?

Surely the workload (2 DSs house, garden etc.) should have doubled?

Any thoughts ?

I do the cooking on the 4 days he works late but by cooking I just mean a stir in sauce or chicken dippers and waffles or pasta and cheese. Both of us love oven cooked stuff that would be defined as crap by most people but I would take that over a home cooked meal any day of the week.

I also get takeaways when I can afford them and as I dont have to feed my daughter we can eat junk and she doesnt see it.

By cleaning I do clean I clean the living room everyday as I dont start until late in the day. He is out all day but most of the time when I am in I am on the internet or messing around with my daughter. Thats why I am always on here lol.

I also said I look after up to 8 kids but there isnt always 8 kids there sometimes I only have 2 of my key children in and 8 on some days. It evens itself out over the week so you get a couple of busy days and a couple of chilled ones.

It doesn't matter who does what. Your entire premise on the other thread was that you suck it up, and I should too, and I should compromise more instead of strive for a more equal relationship.
IT transpired my relationships with my DH is far more equal than yours wrt the shitwork. YOu said that's because you don'T mind doing it. Well I do.

I do compromise by being doing alternatives or cutting corners also by some doing some things and the other doing some. For instance I am out clubbing and go out out until 4 or 5 in the morning for a night most weeks he doesnt stay out that late he just plays xbox until about midnight with his friends but most of the time that is in the week. We compromise by still letting the other one lie in the next day until they want as thats fair.

We compromise as neither of us care about a lot of stuff. I dont mind doing work in the week as I want to stay out clubbing a lot and as he doesnt do it and is out from 6am until 7pm 2 days and 7am until 9pm 2 nights I do make him tea then. I think you have got the wrong end of the stick I am definitely not some housewifey kind of person I am probably what would be defined as netmums material

'Your entire premise on the other thread was that you suck it up, '

No my premise is that men work hard to. As I said my husband works way harder than what I do but he doesnt mind as he loves me. My premise is not to care what anyone else thinks as people say they are feeling pressure. As I said though the pressure is more from certain demographics and not a big deal in my social group.

sunny, if you do have a 50:50 split you are very unusual. Most people don't. The majority of people on this thread admit they do some wifework. Most people in real life do wifework and the stats bear this out. You are the exception rather than the rule.

(I say if because a lot of couples claim to split housework equally but when the amount they both do is actually measured, the woman does more.)

sunny, men and women both work hard. Therefore they should split the housework equally.

is the book focussed on all wives or just mothers?
i would be interested if it's about wives as i am getting married next week but have been living with my DP for three (four?) years.

i honestly would say that i do more tidying in the living room and i clean the bathroom more often but he definitely cooks more and cleans the kitchen more often. we do separate laundry.

i suppose i do care a bit more what people think than he does and i will be the one to say 'we need to tidy' when people are coming round but he will always then do the kitchen which is the messiest while i run a hoover elsewhere.

i will be very interested to see what happens when i am at home with the baby. i think after the first really hard weeks i will be doing more tidying but also more mess-making as i'll be at home all day eating lunch etc. i will expect him to do more than now in the first weeks dropping down to about the same as now once i've got over the initial trauma of being a mother

who has said men don't work hard? In fact, how could anyone forget how hard men work?

fluffles, it's for wives (with or without children) but it's interesting that she concludes that marriage as an institution should be considered as a nest in which to raise children, and I agree with that point.

oh, and it's very relevant here on the feminist thread but every time i step back and let DP do the bills or the tradesmen or whatever (his house before i lived here so stuff is in his name) i feel anti-feminst, like i'm being a 'pathetic woman' - there's something about feminism that makes me reluctant to drop control of stuff as if i'm no longer a strong independent woman if i don't know how much we paid for electricity last quarter, but i make myself step back as the alternative is to work much harder than him at running our lives and i don't want to do that.

fluffles, in many countries bill-paying is "women's work". IN Japan, maths is regarded as a feminine subject, unlike in the UK, because of the "housewife" and bookeeper role
Not sure what my point is, thought that was interesting though

happysmiley - Before kids as I said my husband did everything for me. I just used to tidy round and hoover. It was because I had come from my parents and my dad used to spoil me and do these things for me so when I moved in with my husband he just took over.

My dad spoilt me as he works as a chef as a trade so he never used to let anyone make their own food and used to make stuff for me and leave it in the fridge to heat up in the microwave or make me my sanwiches and put them in there. It was good that he did it for me but obviously when I got married it made me completely useless. I had never even made a sandwich on my own when I moved in with my husband so he just used to do the things for me.

Looking at fluffles last post my husband is also crap at lots of things. He has absolutely no idea who are mortgage company is with, what bils we pay and never knows how much money we have. I give him his pocket money on a Saturday and I always joke if I died he wouldnt know where to begin with the financial side.

As long as you split it along the lines of who is good or fines certain things easier from the start then it shouldnt be like the wifework situtation.

I also have suspicions about a man who believes he's working harder than his wife when she is looking after 8 children and doing the tidy up and doing the cooking.

fluffles - it's not just about mothers, but the book notes that motherhood is when things tend to get decidely more unequal.

For instance, if you were at home with baby, it's unlikely you'll still be doing separate laundry. You'll just do it all because you're doing load after load for the kids and you, and it makes sense. And while he cooks more now, you're be the one thinking about what the kids will like (planning ahead is a major part of wifework) so you might as well just cook for all of you. And then it turns out after a couple of years that you cook 95% of the time. And when it's his turn, he just gets takeaways because he's out of the habit and doesn't know whats in the shelves anymore. And he finds the kids noisy and exhausting after a hard day in the office, so you might as well let him relax and have fun with them while you stack the dishwasher and tidy up a bit more.

But wifework doesn't just equal housework. There are many other dimensions to look forward to! In my jaded experience anyway.

fluffles, I feel the same. DH does all financial stuff in our house because I hate doing it and leave everything till the last minute and then he gets pissed off when the red bills and county court summons come through. So he takes responsibility and always has done. I feel a bit like I'm letting the side down by giving up control of the finances, and also wonder if I'm setting myself up for a fall when he runs off with all our money. It seems naive to trust someone with all my money. My (uneasy) compromise is that I leave him to it for the most part but make sure I read and understand everything I sign and check the bank accounts periodically to make sure I don't get fleeced. But it does feel wrong to let go.

My point is, that your husband has to do your job before he knows who's working hardest, sunny, and skives off the housework

LIfe is much easier when DH is around tbh.

I mainly do the hoovering and bathroom and the week day cooking.
He gets the main shopping, kids uniforms washed and ironed,most of the ironing, loads/unloads the dishwasher etc. He does the boys homework with them
Kids do their own rooms.

I run the boys around and do stuff in the day if I'm at home. I have tried to set my work days up so I have a lot of free time in the day, do my admin at work very eary in the morning and be home for tea and get thigs sorted and then go to work a few evenings a week and occasionaly at weekends.

Works for us.
If we need anything doing we don't want to do we just hire someone in eg valeting the car, decorating, odd jobs and so on.

My friend gave me that book before I got married. I read it and thought 'that won't happen to me'.

I re-read it again last month and half-way through the book was about ready to leave DH.

Then I got to the last chapter where she argues that although divorce is usually better for the woman, it is also usually worse for the kids.

So I had a long chat with DH about cognitive dissonance instead. Things are going to have to change in the Trubert household!

jumpyjack you have a point but there are lines i think i won't cross...

i am not going to wash his sports kit for him (reason we do separate washing is the sheer volume of cycling kit he uses each week - whole loads to himself).

i also think he'll stay in charge of most cooking. he enjoys it and i don't.

i can see me doing all the cleaning as he has a higher dirt threashold than me and my threashold is likely to come down with a small child around.

i will continue to try to restrain my paperwork control freakery and let him continue to be responsible for bills etc. (though we will need more of our money in the joint account when i'm not earning so this could be a slippery slope).

i will read that book, maybe not just after my wedding but certainly before mat leave.

upahill sorry, what's 'valeting the car'