Please help. I am desperate.

[Rainbowl]

Been yoyo dieting for over ten years. Fatter than ever. BMI is 40. Size 20-22 and absolutely fucking miserable with it.

I hate myself. My self esteem is non existent. My marriage lacks intimacy because I can’t stand how I look and feel. I’m a terrible example to my kids. None of my clothes fit. The ones that do are cheap and nasty because I can’t afford to buy nice clothes that will probably be too small soon.

All I think about is my weight. Yet I cannot stop fucking eating. Chocolate mainly. All day. Every day. Constantly grazing on it. Binging too.

Oldest keeps asking if I have a baby in my tummy. I’m always the fattest person in the room. Fattest person in my extended family. I’ve even got a double chin now.

I have tried everything:
Slimming World
Weight Watchers
Slim Pod
Cambridge
Slim Fast
IF
Low carb
Calorie counting
Personal Trainer
Therapy
Not dieting
Brain over Binge
and various other things over the years I’ve probably forgotten about.

Had bloods taken to check for physiological reasons. Not on any medication. No answers there.

Nothing works. I can’t keep the weight off. I am an intelligent, successful woman in her mid-30s who loves cooking and healthy foods and yet cannot stop eating shit. I have a history of depression but other than being completely obsessed and miserable about my weight, my mood is fine.

I don’t know what to do any more. I can’t go on like this. I think I’m going to eat myself to death.

I did an e-consult this morning with the GP saying I was desperate for help. I hoped I’d get a same day appointment but it’s next week. What do I do? What do I say? I’m hoping they can give me injections or surgery because at this point, I’ve given up on being able to do it myself.

Has anyone been in a similar position and can advise please?

.

@ClaireFoysHorse

i have a one to one with a dietician every week on second nature. The plateaus are a normal and necessary part of weight loss. I eat carbs everyday! There is a weight loss injection program to go along with it now, Think it’s wegovey?

Thank you to all who have commented - I’ll try and reply to some directly below.

To those in a similar position I really hope you all find the help you need.

I really appreciate everyone’s ideas and encouragement. Kindly, I won’t be able to sugar detox, cut out UPF or go low carb or anything on my own. Not right now. I am too broken, too lost.

It’s an addiction, I think. My mother is an alcoholic and I can see the similarities - food is my addiction. If I could go to rehab for this addiction, I would! (Do they even exist?!).

I think I’ve decided I need the injections. While I am this fat, I cannot love myself enough to change and therefore my willpower, discipline and motivation is non-existent. I know you’re not supposed to look for a quick fix, but frankly, my weight is making me miserable and that is making me eat more. So if I can at least shift a couple of stone first, then I am more hopeful of being in the right frame of mind to do things the right way.

That’s why I’m leaning towards second nature or something. I looked it up last night and they offer Wegovy (and the other one beginning with M), and then the programme alongside it which helps with the changes I will need to make to make any weight loss sustainable.

I’ve woken up feeling awful today. I’m not on antidepressants but the way I’m feeling right now perhaps I should be.

I’m going to talk it all through with my GP next week and see what she says. I’ll pay privately if I need to, but would rather talk it through with them first.

I hope you do, too @breakfastdinnerandtea

It’s my first time contacting the GP specifically too. I tried to talk to them once during an appointment to review some blood test results, but it wasn’t really the right time/way to do it.

I'm sorry you’re having to wait until April for your appointment.

Thanks for this. I’ll definitely ask the question.

Thankfully, no I don’t. I think I’d be the size of a house if I did.

I looked up second nature last night those who’ve done it was it better than just getting wegovy from another site was the support worth paying for ?

Just hugs OP.

You have huge value as a human being no matter what size you are.

Obesity is a complex disease and undoubtedly can have huge impact on mental health.

If it helps for down the road - when you are emotionally in a better place - I have found enormous benefits from focusing less on weight loss and more on body recomposition.l That is the process of changing the ratio of fat to muscle in my body. It's increased my self esteem no end and I feel much more confident and physically capable. It's been revelatory after years of yo yo dieting and using the scales as my only measure of validation.

Do you mind sharing more? Did the programme help you lose weight? Or was it the initial scare that did it?

I so get the “everything I try works for a while”. Of course it does. And then you fall off the wagon. And feel like a failure. And hate yourself. And eat crap. And hate yourself more. And swear to start again on Monday. Again and again and again. And you get bigger. And hate yourself more. That’s because diets DO NOT WORK.

I agree with @WallaceinAnderland - the book Why We Eat (Too Much) by Dr. andrew Jenkinson is really great at explaining why this happens. And why it isn’t your fault. And you are not a failure. I read the book and got so bloody angry at the whole diet industry I threw away every diet book I had. And I had them all!

WHAT we eat is as important as how much. Reading up on ultra processed foods will make you angry at the food industry and explain why it is so hard to stop eating sugary foods. They are designed to be addictive. So you want more and more.

I ended up just refusing to even think about dieting for a good while. I just tried to eat healthy foods generally. I struggled with even thinking about more or about exercising as I was in such a bad headspace about it all. I was seeing a counsellor about being down about various things in my life but when we started talking about my weight the floodgates opened. It was really interesting unpicking the feelings of self hatred and how much of a failure I felt and yet how hard I was on myself about it all.

In the end two years ago I read an article about Ozempic. And decided to try it. And I lost three stone quite easily. I’ve stalled now. And switched to Wegovy through Boots as soon as it became available. I’ve now reduced my dose and am going to stop for a while and have a break. Although I haven’t lost much more in the last year I haven’t gained either. I do suspect I will need to take it again. Because the drug is not just about appetite suppression but it works on insulin and other hormones that some of us need help with.

Thankfully it is now easier and cheaper to get hold of these medications and hopefully soon the stigma of using them to treat obesity will eventually diminish. I really don’t care what people think of me for using the medication to reduce my risks of diabetes and the effects of being obese. In fact when Saxenda came out first I looked at that but discounted it as it seemed to purely be an appetite suppressant and I don’t actually eat that much. But the fact that Ozempic worked on insulin as well made me think it was worth a try. And it was a game changer for me.

It’s interesting that programmes like Second Nature are now supporting Wegovy. Weight Watchers now have a programme for people taking these GLP-1 medications. And in the US they bought a company that sells the medications. And Oprah stood down as a director of WW as she started taking the medication too.

I think in the next few years the messaging around weight loss and the treatment of long term obesity will change. (Although there will always be people who judge and trot out the whole calories in calories out mantra or that it’s just a matter will power! It’s so much more complicated than that.)

Thank you 💐

@Rainbowl

Wegovy. It’s great all the people giving diet advice like you are not aware but you and I both know that is not the problem. You know the things, you can’t apply them for any length of time because of your body’s physiology/ your mental makeup/ what ever - if you COULD have done this on your own you WOULD because you have spent your whole life feeling shit about it and trying to change it.

Wegovy made me realise it is NOT a persona failing to be fat. It’s NOT your fault. Some people feel their whole lives how Wegovy makes me feel - like I am not bothered whether I eat or not.

The cost of it - £200 per month then £250 if you need to go up over 1mg - is considerable - but like you, for me it is worth it. I may need to be on it forever.

But it turns off the food noise, it allows me to eat less, it resets my relationship with food and I am losing weight.

Best of luck with whatever you choose x

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s really interesting - well done on your losses. I’ll have a look a the book.

I probably need to go back to therapy as I’ve never really gone into detail about my weight and how it has affected me.

It is so complicated for some of us isn’t it?!

@Rainbowl - just be aware that a lot of GPs don’t actually know much about the medications. And don’t have a lot of knowledge or education in weight loss especially long term obesity. So while it’s definitely a good idea to talk to your GP bear in mind they might not know a lot about it all.

Thank you. I think it’s the only way for me now. I’m too “far gone” to do anything else.

I can't recommend Wegovy highly enough. I've been on it for 18 weeks, have lost weight every week and have not binged once in that time. I'm only 12lbs from a healthy BMI now. I feel like it's been the reset I needed. I was treating every weekend like Christmas. Could not stick to anything for more than a few days. Now I eat healthy, nutritious food 100% of the time and never snack. Even if it's Saturday, or my Birthday or a meal out. I know that I must eat this way forever or I will go back to how I was but I know I can do it. I have good habits now, it's normal for me. Wegovy has broken the cycle I was in.

This is all so true.

All the people saying 'just go vegan', 'just give up sugar', 'just have treats at the weekend' OMG you just don't get it 😂

OP, do the injections.

Read the book recommended (I listened to it as an audiobook, it was was great in small chunks whenever I had a bit of time) - it explains why it's so hard to give up this shit food we're addicted to and why the diets don't work. And then read the sequel which tells you what to eat.

The injections will help you reset your thinking about food while not having the cravings to deal with while you do it.

Good luck x

It sounds tough OP and you are very hard on yourself.

All the things you have listed as things you have tried have been eating and diet based.

Is your eating emotionally driven? Comfort food / little hits of pleasure, even little acts of self sabotage / self harm?

In which case if you try Ozempic, what about some counselling alongside to get to the bottom of your emotional health and confidence?

You are worth the investment in yourself.

I’m getting a bit emotional here as I didn’t expect so much support from my post. I don’t think I’ve ever had so many replies one of my threads before! (Name changed for this one)

Thank you all so much. Even if I haven’t replied directly I have read every post.

I am feeling so fragile but this thread has really helped.

It’s a horrible horrible vicious circle we end up in. And we blame ourselves. And hate ourselves. And are so hard on ourselves.

@TempleOfBloom - I get what you are saying and it makes sense in a lot of ways. But. Of course everything we try is eating or diet based. As that is the message and traditional path. You are overweight so you need to diet. And yes some people are emotional eaters. But actually getting to the bottom of the emotional drive doesn’t mean much when it comes to ‘food addiction’. And ‘ food addiction’ is so complicated. It’s not just about food per se. It’s about understanding the drive by the brain to ensure we don’t lose too much weight. The body wants us to have fat. Because after all there may be another famine. We put ourselves into famine mode by dieting. We may think we are reacting emotionally by having chocolate after a stressful day or whatever but it’s not purely that.

But yes counselling may be a really good idea. It definitely helped me.

@Rainbowl
all the best op, love the supportive answers you have had. You are valuable just as you are. I hope you find some peace and answers as yes it’s more complicated than many think. I too struggle daily.. solidarity.

I could have written your post myself except that I am likely even bigger than you. It's affecting everything, especially my health. I can stick to eating more healthily for a couple of weeks but then it only takes one binge to set me back to complete overeating with no control whatsoever. It's not helped by dh actually being underweight and needing to put it on so not always possible not to have things like bread, pasta etc. in the house and we have to then prepare separate meals which is a pain. I'm just doing my best now to cut out ultra processed foods and all the biscuits/ cakes at work which are constantly hanging around in the office. Also cutting out bread, butter , crackers for which I literally have no off switch. I could sit and eat 3/4 slices of white toast or 10 crackers and cheese in one sitting, I just cannot control my eating. I absolutely believe it is an addiction to sugar/ processed rubbish. Determined to read / view some of the books/ you tube videos recommended on this post. Wishing you all the best op, please know you are not alone in this struggle.

The waiting list would be lengthy, but I'd also ask the GP if your healthboard/trust has a weight loss service (usually requires obesity+health condition for referral) that offer psychological therapy or a mental health team that offers CBT-E (for disordered eating). This is the gold standard treatment for binge eating disorder.

I would recommend Mountjaro. It really helps. You need to diet with it but it stops food cravings. I’ve been on it for two months and my attitude to food has completely changed and I’ve lost loads.

give it a try and good luck