I've actively decided to STOP DIETING!

[Sweetheart]

I had a long chat with some female friends of mine recently that made me really think about why I'm ALWAYS on a diet. I realised that I have pretty much been on a constant diet for the last 20 years (my entire adult life) which made me so sad! I realised that I've never really been happy with my weight and how I look and to be honest probably never will be! I'm actually not even sure that how I want to look is even attainable.

So there it is - I've decided to STOP dieting. I'm currently not at my heaviest but not at my lightest either. The weight I am now I have been hovering around for about 5 months so I'm just going to try and stick at this weight for a while and learn to actually eat normally - not constantly counting everything, weighing everything, sticking to the god forsaken rules!

I've had a few scary realisations this week........1. I am so out of tune with hunger - when I actually want or need to eat.

1. I think about food all the time - probably because I'm so deprived. I asked dh the other day why he never eats anything after our evening meal and he told me he just never thinks about food - this was a revelation to me.....I think about it constantly.
2. I don't think I've set a good example to my kids over the years. It can't be good for them to watch mum eat a salad whilst they tuck into the normal evening meal........or to watch mum weighing and measuring every bit of food......or to watch mum have a juice / shake in place of a proper meal.

I'm hoping the freedom from dieting will teach me how to actually eat normally for the 1st time in my adult life.

The only things I am imposing on myself are:-
Plenty of water each day
Try to only eat when I am actually hungry (this is a tricky one to figure out)

Has anyone ever had any experience of this? Or am I just going to end up even fatter and back on the next fad diet?

Milly I don't consider myself to be on a diet at all, it's a very sustainable and easy way of eating.
If I ate sweets, that would spike my hunger levels and cause cravings. That's simple biology. If I gave into my cravings and hunger and filled up on sweet things or junk foods how unhealthy would that be?
Sweetheart said she craved sweet stuff after dinner even though she's not hungry, mentioned "a yoghurt or something", asked for ideas and I gave a filling and healthy alternative.

I think that whilst this has become a very interesting discussion for me I appreciate that for a lot of people - myself included - it can be a sensitive subject and some people have deep routed issues that of course will take a lot of undoing.

For me I suppose it goes back to the fact that my parents are obese and were always on a diet when I was a child. My father has terrible health problems as an adult which are certainly not helped by his weight which will shortly result in his death and my mum has type 2 diabetes which is heredity in my family but probably isn't helped by a poor diet and lack of exercise.

I'm really enjoying sharing my experience - talking is really helping (although I do wonder if I'm boring anyone ). I'm also really enjoying hearing everyone's alternative points of view and being able to take bits and bobs that I feel might help me along my way.

I hope others are enjoying sharing experiences or using it to help themselves get off the diets too.

I saw an advert in a newspaper today about loosing a few ibs before xmas to help you git into that little black xmsa dress - happy to say it's the first time ever I haven't contemplated buying the product advertised.

I have also managed to reduce my obsessive gym visits which is helping to shift my frame of mind. Previously I was averaging 8-10 sessions a week. Now I'm down to 5-8 a week.

Cherry words regarding food like " bad choices, healthy nutritious food, junk foods" are trigger words for someone stopping dieting mentality. I'm glad you have found a way of eating that suits you ie giving up sweets and eating low carb BUT this is still dieting to most people. You are losing weight through restricting your food by means other than hunger signals. I also, as do many many other women, have psychological issues around food and childhood. My parents never allowed me sweets, sugar or carbs so I grew up feeling deprived and wanting to eat normally like my friends. I continued to think the only way to lose weight was to embark on restricted eating plans , low calories, low carb, paleo, clean eating, 5:2 16:8 , vegetarian , starvation and always including good measures of bingeing and purging, exercising etc. What a waste of my time . What a sad way to live. Restricting always tends to lead to a binge at some point. Now I eat lovely meals that taste divine and are full of vegetables and fruits , lovely breads with real salty butter. Homemade cakes or puddings if I want them. When I restricted these sweet foods I ended up bingeing on them with no control. It wasn't my body that had an issue with sugar it was my mind. Once I learnt to make food just food I no longer needed to overeat anything ever.

Well I suppose we're all different Milly.
I've heard/read somewhere that white sugar can be as addictive as cocaine (I think there's a documentary on Netflix on the subject).
I was addicted, I kicked the habit, I don't miss it so don't see it as a diet or restriction. I don't have an off button when it comes to chocolate so if I took advice from this thread, started to eat it again, one square leads to two, then it's sweets after lunch, after dinner, when I'm bored, as a reward, as a consolation....
I genuinely think that the key to weight loss is to work out why we over eat or make unhealthy choices (and I'm sorry if that word is wrong for some of you).
My parents bribed all of us with pudding if we ate all our dinner. When my mum was alive it was home made puddings, when she died my Dad took over and it was mainly shop bought or sweets.
As an adult that was hard to shake off, if I wanted a sweet I felt guilty unless I had something savoury first. That to me is disordered eating.
At work (as I've already said) I'd eat just in case I got hungry. Yet my body clock still said I was hungry at meal times, even if I'd eaten 15 minutes before. Also disordered IMO.

This thread's moved on since I last came on! It's obvious that everyone has their own battles with trying to give up dieting and what works for one person isn't going to be the same for someone else. Personally I'm trying to undo about 30 years of disordered eating and while I don't have to avoid sugar, my addiction to salt (via crisps) has caused me similar grief and I have to really fight to not think of crisps as "bad food" so that I don't then binge on them. It's a huge work in progress so fair play to everyone finding their own way.

That said, I did click on a link further up the thread to read a "stop dieting" blog by Isobel Foxen Duke that really lays out the issue of clinging onto the diet mentality and how it will ultimately derail you, because you're not properly letting go. I've spent the past few days reading all her posts and it's really opened my eyes. I thought I'd given up dieting but I realise I still have a way to go. But what she writes convinces me I can do it and for the first time in a long time I feel I can achieve the holy grail of learning to eat like a normal person! The blog is here. Definitely worth reading!

Also, is anyone else finding it tough having to deal with actual feelings? In the past when something bad happened I would usually smother the upset in a mountain of Walkers crisps, like I was eating myself better, but now I'm off the binge-diet cycle I find myself having to tackle problems head on and it is HARD. Like having to be a proper grown up!

Book I will have a look at that link , thank you. 30 years of dieting is sad to look back on isn't it. Mine is many years too. I hear you with crisps or any food really . For me the way I got over it was to always have them in the house. They are nothing special after awhile. I have a chocolate drawer, have for 20 years and chocolate doesn't bother me now. I have galaxy and G & B chocolate but they stay there for too long and end up being thrown out. But, if they weren't there I know I would feel deprived. I walk around the supermarket now (and have done for years) and tend to buy mainly loads of veg and fruit, chicken salmon and beef and bread, mature cheese . I hardly ever feel the need to eat cakes, crisps, puddings etc now because I normalised them. I don't gain weight and have been eating this way for over 20 years. I am mindful of wanting to put the best fuel into my body I can but it took a year of no dieting and no restrictions to get to this point.

I included that Disordered Eating reference as that used to be me. I'm surprised I didn't end up with a full blown eating disorder really as I was so screwed up about food.

Bookworm Feelings, Yes. We do eat them don't we. I think trying to deal with them rather than "eat" them down is hard. A diary is a good idea. To write down these thoughts and feelings and how they make you want to "use" food as a drug of choice to deal with them. If you do eat something when not really hungry it's important to acknowledge it , move on and let it go. Just start being mindful of hunger, proper hunger, again.

From the blog mentioned above on emotional eating

BlueEyeshadow I had a look at her blog. It's nice to read information like this. I think that's why a diary helps me when I feel overwhelmed by feelings. I write it down and see where it leads rather than eat. I can still eat after if I want but sometimes getting those feelings out with a diary, friend or lived one can help.

BlueEyeshadow That post is spot on! Now when I feel myself wanting to binge, I know it's because there's something else going on that I need to address.

Book it can be emotionally triggered but also if you deprive yourself of eating something that triggers the desire to want it more too. Once you get a handle on allowing all foods to be equal then it's easier to know when it's emotionally driven cravings or diet induced craving.

I think my binge eating is more often triggered by boredom.......or a hangover

Sweetheart yes to boredom and eating food to lift your mood.

Doesn't really work though. Feels good when eating it and then when your stuffed you just feel blah

Spam advert . Bad form Bob advertising stupid tea detox on a non dieting thread. Reported

Naughty Bob! Well spotted and reported. We don't need any of your crap over here

Boredom is definitely a trigger for me too, Sweetheart, and hangovers. And feeling happy. And sad. And angry. And if it's a day of the week with a 'y' in it...

Lol

Bravo!

Just read this thread. It has dawned on me that I have had an atrocious relationship with food for 40 years. When I was 14 I did ballet and you had to be thin. I dieted and ditched food until I was. I had a great figure and sadly based a lot of my self-confidence on this. At university I started to gain weight, so the dieting re-started and I have been on and off a diet ever since. Not eating normally, just on or off a diet. Can’t believe how insane that sounds now I come to type it. As an example: Since getting back from a holiday at the end of August, I have started a diet four times, fallen off the wagon four times, and ended up secretly binge eating sugar based food every time I destroyed my diet. I’m now disgusted with myself for bingeing yesterday and looking at starting yet another panic diet before Christmas or I will get bigger than ever. I am two stones overweight and this is heavier than I’ve ever been. I’ve started to dread mealtimes if I’m alone, as I’m worried I won’t be able to stop. I’m an intelligent middle aged woman and I can’t believe that I can’t stop myself from doing this. Nobody knows I do it, my husband would be horrified and the guilt is horrible. Has anyone been able to break into this cycle? Every time I lose weight I put it back on and more each time until I get disgusted with myself, so I diet again. All good for about 5 weeks and then I secretly binge. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. Is stopping dieting the answer? I feel that if I don’t try to control what I eat I will never stop. My self-esteem is rock bottom because of this. Any ideas of where to start?

wookie - huge hugs to you, I started this entire thing because I relate to every word you've just typed!

When will us women learn that the diet industry is BIG BUCKS and we are 100% MEANT to FAIL to keep the fat cats rich!!!!!! Yes the multiple capitals were necessary

I read something the other day that said if we took our car to the garage and it still didn't work we would be fuming with the garage and demanding our money back.......yet with diets we are set up to fail and we pay for the privilege AND end up blaming ourselves and feeling crap - what the actual f**k is that all about and how are these companies STILL getting away with it?

Only you will know if stopping dieting is the right answer for you, as you will see from what you have read I am giving it a go but I am not willing to get heavier doing it so it's all a bit of a learning curve - having said that I am now at the end of my 5th week not dieting - I have eaten carbs for lunch, indulged in ice cream. I have been out several weekends drinking, I have been out for dinners, had takeaways and I haven't gained a single pound. PLUS I'm not thinking about food every waking minute of the day, feeling hungry after lunch or starving when I get in from work and I haven't missed out of any of life's pleasures, sat in the background watching other people having fun wishing it was me - WINNING!!!!

Thank you, SweetHeart! I’m really pleased for you that you have found a way that is working for you. You sound really energised and positive, which is where I would love to be mentally, but at present my mojo for anything is on the floor and my self esteem joins it in a regular basis! What makes me afraid to try ‘normal eating’ is that I will eat more at mealtimes and still binge! Letting go of the food restricting language and mentality is way harder than I thought it would be, I actually have no idea what normal eating or portion size for a middle aged woman looks like! I will keep re-reading your thread and try not dieting. If it hasn’t worked as anything other than a temporary solution by now, it’s pretty much never going to! Thanks for your reply and the support. X