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Original poster

How to not invite partner's brother's wife who is also his ex's twin to wedding?

170 replies

Snowwhite123456 · 22/04/2025 21:29

Hi.

To cut a long story short..

My partner and I have been together 3 and a half years and have 2 babies. He proposed this Christmas time which I was very happy about and immediately started thinking about wedding planning.

My partner was previously married to someone else and has 2 other children (13 and 15) with his ex partner. The complication is that his brother (and supposed best friend in one) is married to his ex's twin! They broke up apparently as she cheated with someone else from the group of people we would mix with In the distant past/ because of alcoholism and mental health problems? To be honest I've never really been able to pin down a reason for why. It seems to have been her choice to break up despite all this and I remember the twin telling me she 'kicked' him out one day to live at his Mum's and that was that really. I feel aware very that he wasn't the one whose wanted this to end but we are happy together now and he doesn't seem interested in her anymore.

In the past me and the twin have got on okay however my partner's brother and her have left him out of multiple things they have planned and this has become increasingly moreso the past few years. My partner claims he had to chase them down to be invited to things before I was in the picture however I've always been unsure as to why they leave him out of friend/ family plans and never think to invite him? I can see that he's been hurt by this before and that makes me feel terrible. I sometimes wonder if it is anything to do with me? They were all together since early 2000s and I've stopped going to Sunday dinners recently at his parents' house as I realised I wasn't enjoying it because every now and again people will ask how his ex's job is going to his sister or the twin will bring up distant memories in front of me and my partner leaving me feeling awkward and confused. All in all I've felt I'll never really be sat comfortably in this very insular family and that I really don't fit in and why spend my weekends (some of my only respite time between my difficult job and babies) feeling awkward and cringing.

I would like my wedding to be just a good day with people I want to have there. It is my wedding after all and why would I bend over and put myself out bloating for heads and having people looming in the background who make me feel awkward. The twins are identical and when is ay they are they really are.. if you had first me them it would be difficult to tell them apart down to the content of their conversation, their lifestyles, clothes choices etc.. I would really like to at least not invite the twin sister however my partner says he would like his brother there and I'm not sure how to have one without the other. They had 2 kids also similar age to my partner's and they'd have to be invited too. My partner feels his Mum would be upset if he didn't invite everyone.

Has anyone any ideas or feelings about this I just would really like some objective opinion?

OP posts:
OneWittySquid · 22/04/2025 21:34

You'll be asking for trouble excluding your bils wife and only inviting him and their children. You sound highly jealous of their ex and are taking it personally if she's mentioned they have two kids. Will his children from his ex wife be invited.

PermanentTemporary · 22/04/2025 21:35

I think there's far too much you don't know about this man, and too much you don't like about him.

Why is his brother only his 'supposed' best friend?

I think if you already find his family too much to cope with at Sunday lunch to the point that you've stopped going, it's a really bad idea to marry into the situation.

ARichtGoodDram · 22/04/2025 21:38

You can't invite his brother and nieces/nephews, but not his sister in law and not expect trouble.

And it doesn't sound remotely like your partner wants that trouble with his sibling.

alcoholnightmare · 22/04/2025 21:39

I’m lost at who’s twin is who’s, and I have twins!
I think let it go OP, you all sound like there’s no chance of not being in one another’s lives. You’re marrying him.

Jshrbt · 22/04/2025 21:40

I don’t think you’re being fair; I can see why it feels weird but it’s not her fault that her twin was married to her brother in law. I think you’ll create a family rift when in reality you don’t really have to interact with her on your wedding day and she will be one of many. it will also look pretty shit to your step children that you didn’t invite their aunt and they’ll work out why
I Think you need to work on getting past any issues you have about his ex; it doesn’t bother me when DHs ex is mentioned as I know it’d ancient history and no feelings left.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 22/04/2025 21:40

Don’t have a big wedding, go abroad or just do a registry office with a couple of witnesses.

Livelaughlurgy · 22/04/2025 21:40

It makes sense that he might be left out sometimes if they don't want to invite your partner and his ex at the same time.

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 22/04/2025 21:43

I put supposed because I would expect a best friend to include you and reach out regularly or at least invite him to things and make the effort.. 'supposed' meant to him he's a best friend but for me I don't understand how? When we had our second baby he didn't even congratulate him when everyone else did.

I can cope with it but I want to enjoy Sundays really not cope with them. They're not intense and horrible to the extent you might have thought by my post but it is hurtful to see when they are a bit ignorant or leave my partner out of things or bring up the ex casually like they're still married. I feel as though I'm sat next to my partner's ex almost and that the situation is strange with them all having been married together. Granted that it is my fault getting in to this I know. I would just like to know a way to invite some peoplr.and not others without making offense or chaos etc so I can enjoy the wedding and to feel better about it all.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 22/04/2025 21:45

I would just like to know a way to invite some peoplr.and not others without making offense or chaos etc so I can enjoy the wedding and to feel better about it all.

You can't. HTH.

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 22/04/2025 21:45

Yes I did consider this idea.. and I excitedly brought it up last week but partner said his mum would be upset still and that it would cause resentment in the family. I guess I'm upset that I have to not get marri f at all as to avoid causing offense. I actually don't think personally that they'd be all that fussed about coming anyway and that it's probably strange for them as they probably still be wish it was just 2 sisters and 2 brothers doing stuff.

OP posts:
FumingTRex · 22/04/2025 21:46

You seem to be putting a lot of store on the fact they are identical. Do you think your partner fancies her? Twins are separate people and just because he was married to one it doesn’t mean he has feelings for the other.

ARichtGoodDram · 22/04/2025 21:46

I would just like to know a way to invite some peoplr.and not others without making offense or chaos etc so I can enjoy the wedding and to feel better about it all.

There is no way to invite his brother and nieces/nephews, but not his sister in law without causing offence.

Especially when the woman hasn't done anything wrong. She just happens to have a sister.

The only way round it would be to have a small wedding with no siblings, nieces/nephews or in laws there. For either of you.

You've also mentioned what you want a lot, but you've not mentioned your DPs wishes. Does he want his sister in law cut out?

Whynotaxthisyear · 22/04/2025 21:48

Is anything else going on OP? Maybe to do with grudges between the brothers?

Kinneddar · 22/04/2025 21:49

I would just like to know a way to invite some peoplr.and not others without making offense or chaos etc

When the some people is your SIL to be you cant. You're going to have to bite the bullet and invite her.

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 22/04/2025 21:50

We don't really say step children because when they stay here they don't speak to me they're very ignorant/shy ? Not sure which but they have always just played on their phones and devices or not really interacted with me so I'm just sorting of waiting for them to leave my house every other weekend which I do put up with nicely (I'm not awful to them I just leave them to it and hide away too). My partner has tried to encourage them to interact with the babies but they don't much whatsoever (the girl has.never really even said anything to them). I don't know what they will make of what's been worked out or whatever but I would imagine my partner will invite them but they will probably just play on phones or feel bored for the ceremony?

OP posts:
Pihrd · 22/04/2025 21:50

Do you genuinely expect your husband’s brother to come when you’re excluding his wife? You’re being pathetic.

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 22/04/2025 21:50

I can't think of what but how could it cause grudges do you think?

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 22/04/2025 21:51

I guess I'm upset that I have to not get marri f at all as to avoid causing offense

Ffs talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 22/04/2025 21:52

I don't t hink he'd want his brother or mum to be offended or whatever so I doubt he wants her cutting out. I'm not sure because he never brought up any plans about how he would likely o get marri d. I've tri d extracting ideas out of him and he's just happy with what I bring up it seems?

OP posts:
Inbloom123 · 22/04/2025 21:52

You can’t not invite your future sister in law to your wedding. Yes it’s weird that her twin was married to your partner, but they are not the same person! You need to learn to deal with it. She will be in your life for (hopefully) a long time; don’t start burning bridges now.

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 22/04/2025 21:53

I would like to enjoy the day. I'll find it hard with the carbon copy of his ex being there. It feels like they're all still involved together and call to jealous or whatever it might be but that feels hurtful and spoils things for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 22/04/2025 21:54

I don't expect it but I'd rather obviously. I think if you can put yourself in my shoes it is strange and will put an awkwardness in the atmosphere.

OP posts:
Pihrd · 22/04/2025 21:54

Sorry? You ‘imagine’ your husband’s brother will invite his own children?

Pihrd · 22/04/2025 21:56

Snowwhite123456 · 22/04/2025 21:54

I don't expect it but I'd rather obviously. I think if you can put yourself in my shoes it is strange and will put an awkwardness in the atmosphere.

You’ve had two children with this man. You’re not a new girlfriend. Get a grip.

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 22/04/2025 21:59

I don't think that no but I just wanted an us thing really not remnants of his old relationship hanging about. She has been leaving him out of plans and they are quite selfish people. She doesn't have the label of an alcoholic like her sister it's just painted as her having a good time in her case but she's always hungover or drunk. I never really see her sober and now I'm a parent I started to realise how odd it is all the times her kids saw her barely being able to talk or function because she is so drunk every weekend so I do see her differently now. We did get on before. The fact they're identical makes it feel like it's all still very connected and as though I don't completely have my own partner who is just mine like other people do and I find that irritating, hurtful and frustrating.

OP posts: