How to not invite partner's brother's wife who is also his ex's twin to wedding?

[Snowwhite123456]

Hi.

To cut a long story short..

My partner and I have been together 3 and a half years and have 2 babies. He proposed this Christmas time which I was very happy about and immediately started thinking about wedding planning.

My partner was previously married to someone else and has 2 other children (13 and 15) with his ex partner. The complication is that his brother (and supposed best friend in one) is married to his ex's twin! They broke up apparently as she cheated with someone else from the group of people we would mix with In the distant past/ because of alcoholism and mental health problems? To be honest I've never really been able to pin down a reason for why. It seems to have been her choice to break up despite all this and I remember the twin telling me she 'kicked' him out one day to live at his Mum's and that was that really. I feel aware very that he wasn't the one whose wanted this to end but we are happy together now and he doesn't seem interested in her anymore.

In the past me and the twin have got on okay however my partner's brother and her have left him out of multiple things they have planned and this has become increasingly moreso the past few years. My partner claims he had to chase them down to be invited to things before I was in the picture however I've always been unsure as to why they leave him out of friend/ family plans and never think to invite him? I can see that he's been hurt by this before and that makes me feel terrible. I sometimes wonder if it is anything to do with me? They were all together since early 2000s and I've stopped going to Sunday dinners recently at his parents' house as I realised I wasn't enjoying it because every now and again people will ask how his ex's job is going to his sister or the twin will bring up distant memories in front of me and my partner leaving me feeling awkward and confused. All in all I've felt I'll never really be sat comfortably in this very insular family and that I really don't fit in and why spend my weekends (some of my only respite time between my difficult job and babies) feeling awkward and cringing.

I would like my wedding to be just a good day with people I want to have there. It is my wedding after all and why would I bend over and put myself out bloating for heads and having people looming in the background who make me feel awkward. The twins are identical and when is ay they are they really are.. if you had first me them it would be difficult to tell them apart down to the content of their conversation, their lifestyles, clothes choices etc.. I would really like to at least not invite the twin sister however my partner says he would like his brother there and I'm not sure how to have one without the other. They had 2 kids also similar age to my partner's and they'd have to be invited too. My partner feels his Mum would be upset if he didn't invite everyone.

Has anyone any ideas or feelings about this I just would really like some objective opinion?

I started off scrolling through this with a wry smile thinking how mad mumsnet is but I feel so sorry for those children.

I know it's not been a perfect dream for them or anything but the reality is we're all from a mining town in Yorkshire England and it's a grim life in the big scheme of things isn't it compared to maybe other people on Mumsnet in suburban America or wherever they're preaching from 🤣.

These kids own every games console, device vr set etc they're ever wanted, they have grandparents, aunties uncles and parents who care about them more than my mum and dad every expressed car etc me and my siblings. Despite the socioeconomics those children have had so much more than I ever had as a kid in so many ways. They can and have been encouraged do whatever they please hobbies etc wise but choose not to a lot of the time. The boy does play piano and violin TM and has just been gifted a violin for his birthday. Dad tried to be around them directly before the babies came along, he has a whole cupboard dedicated to board games and stuff that we never play because they prefer Minecraft Roblox and being with his cousin etc. they have always just preferred to be off on their games. We had movie nights in the past and they would go on their devices throughout the film or not be able to concentrate (they were allowed to choose any film they wanted from all the platforms I paid for - netflix, Disney plus etc). We don't do it through the day now cos I don't allow screen time for my babies really and they don't want to watch a movie now anyway when asked. Even with dad when I'm not there! When they're at our house they are made breakfast, lunch dinner and supper by dad although they usually take a bite and run back off to their games! They are incredibly picky. The girl will only eat chicken nuggets, jacket potato Macdonald's and plain pasta. They go to Florida, Spain Egypt and caravans every year. There is no pressure on them to do well at school the way I was pressurised. They're working below and noone even mentions it. I was pressured about this all the time. They've been very much reassured they can stay at home forever. I was told I should be getting a good job/going uni/ leaving and I wouldn't be welcome there forever. They can go out and see friends and have friends round as and when they want (I always wished I could but wasn't allowed). They take all this floor granted and I would've loved it as a kid. I do see the issues with the twins drinking so much and getting so drunk as I know when it happens they don't like and with the boyfriends moving in etc but I would swap my childhood for this one ina. hot minute even with the drinking and the boyfriends!

It's got so out of hand and off topic ik 🤣!!!..all this from some thoughts in my little head which I've let free into the ether who would've thought it 🤣🤪

I have to say it's been a wild Mumsnet ride.. I've took it all with a pinch of salt and low key enjoyed it hehe

If I waited longer I may not have been able to have babies at all.

What on earth are you on about Suburban America for? What a bizarre rant! You’ve repeatedly slagged off your partners children on MN. They’re really not the issue here. Not a single thing you’ve said about them, how they are raised, what they eat (really odd), what holidays they go on, is relevant to your situation with the ex/future SIL. It’s bizarre that you are so focused on the children in such a negative way.

He introduced me about a couple months in to the relationship I think. They were staying at my house where I lived in York every other weekend on the weekends he had them at that time. That's when we were going to activities all the time, trampoline, alpacas, looking for their collectibles in town. They liked to stay because some ragdoll cats from the property across used to come in to my house and they loved seeing them. We used to all play on mario party together at the end of the day too but the girl would get very upset when she didn't win.

It's other people who kept going on about the poor children lol. I've tried to clear up that they're not badly done to really. I understand that that's not how the topic started out. The eating thing has been a real problem!

Are these children getting support from school? With the girl’s restricted diet and other behaviours has anyone looked at the possibility of special needs?

Read back in the thread.. early on people brought up his kids and about them being invited to the wedding not me

I've really tried to encourage my partner to do something about this. Mum took her to gp about eating recently and they've said to keep an eye on it. She has said she doesn't like talking about feelings and that dad is asking too many questions when he asks her how she is. She really likes to talk about her interests like five nights at Freddy's for a while and now it's a game on Roblox and hello kitty.

@Snowwhite123456 does dad have involvement with school

No it's annoying I keep telling him but this family don't focus on school and education the way mine did. Grandma says everything's a phase and don't worry do your best and that's all we ask for at school. That's why partner and his siblings have never progressed career wise really it's not in the culture of the family to do some His son is getting assessed for ADHD sometime soon so I've told him to contact school and stay in the loop several times. He hasn't. He is concerned whether they're happy or not but no interest or concern about education

He did used to have access so an app with updates and I think he sort of still does but he never says much about it..

'allowing him' cos I'll be paying for it all he has no spare money.. I just mean he can do whatever he likes for the UK wedding and I would fund it

The own room thing he couldn't do unless I was going because he couldn't afford it. I would've paid for us to have an own room if I was invited.

Whatever your reasons for not wanting SIL at the wedding, the only way you can reasonably exclude her is to have a very small wedding with a handful of guests.

We had relatives we did not want at our wedding (for very good reasons), so we only had four guests. We didn't want a big wedding anyway so it suited us.

If you want a big wedding you will have to invite SIL.

I don't want a super big wedding as we don't have that many people to invite. Maybe about 30 including us would be okay (13 from each side of the family including kids). I do think after this thread and considering it all the past couple days I'm starting to come to the conclusion that it is much less bother to either just invite sil to a wedding or not have a wedding.

I think it boils down to you have to invite her. It didn't sound like her being there is going cause any kind of ruckus or gossip. Her not being there might, and at the end of the day, the problem with her seems to lie mostly with you for whatever reason. Not having a go, I'm not in your shoes so can't really understand, but at the end of the day she is just one guest whose presence sounds like it will cause fewer issues than her absence and its perhaps best to look at it that way.

I think you're probably right. My problem is just wanting to feel like I belong in this relationship and wanting to have a really good wedding day that's my partner's and mine - also to avoid the awkwardness since they've been leaving my partner out of stuff etc. I think I some days feel overpowered and saddened by all the history and how insular the family is and what that takes away from mine and my partner's relationship. Although truly it's in my mind rn because it's not something that bothers me day to day generally. It was bothering me on the days we had to go to Sunday dinner but since I haven't been going I've felt removed from all that. I think it will be easier just to invite etc or not have the day.

Elope overseas with just the two of you then have a party later with BIL and SIL both invited..
Or have the wedding that you want and invite BIL and SIL.
You can not only invite BIL

Your SIL will always look like her sister and love her sister. It's not her fault that she was born a twin.

It's invite her or elope, I think.
Your partner's relationship, or lack thereof , with his brother is odd.