How to not invite partner's brother's wife who is also his ex's twin to wedding?

[Snowwhite123456]

Hi.

To cut a long story short..

My partner and I have been together 3 and a half years and have 2 babies. He proposed this Christmas time which I was very happy about and immediately started thinking about wedding planning.

My partner was previously married to someone else and has 2 other children (13 and 15) with his ex partner. The complication is that his brother (and supposed best friend in one) is married to his ex's twin! They broke up apparently as she cheated with someone else from the group of people we would mix with In the distant past/ because of alcoholism and mental health problems? To be honest I've never really been able to pin down a reason for why. It seems to have been her choice to break up despite all this and I remember the twin telling me she 'kicked' him out one day to live at his Mum's and that was that really. I feel aware very that he wasn't the one whose wanted this to end but we are happy together now and he doesn't seem interested in her anymore.

In the past me and the twin have got on okay however my partner's brother and her have left him out of multiple things they have planned and this has become increasingly moreso the past few years. My partner claims he had to chase them down to be invited to things before I was in the picture however I've always been unsure as to why they leave him out of friend/ family plans and never think to invite him? I can see that he's been hurt by this before and that makes me feel terrible. I sometimes wonder if it is anything to do with me? They were all together since early 2000s and I've stopped going to Sunday dinners recently at his parents' house as I realised I wasn't enjoying it because every now and again people will ask how his ex's job is going to his sister or the twin will bring up distant memories in front of me and my partner leaving me feeling awkward and confused. All in all I've felt I'll never really be sat comfortably in this very insular family and that I really don't fit in and why spend my weekends (some of my only respite time between my difficult job and babies) feeling awkward and cringing.

I would like my wedding to be just a good day with people I want to have there. It is my wedding after all and why would I bend over and put myself out bloating for heads and having people looming in the background who make me feel awkward. The twins are identical and when is ay they are they really are.. if you had first me them it would be difficult to tell them apart down to the content of their conversation, their lifestyles, clothes choices etc.. I would really like to at least not invite the twin sister however my partner says he would like his brother there and I'm not sure how to have one without the other. They had 2 kids also similar age to my partner's and they'd have to be invited too. My partner feels his Mum would be upset if he didn't invite everyone.

Has anyone any ideas or feelings about this I just would really like some objective opinion?

You're being ridiculous.

Of course your DP's family is sometimes going to mention the mother of his children and sister of his brother's wife. Like it or not, she is still connected to the family and that is not going to change.

Of course you can't exclude your partner's brother's wife from your wedding.

If you don't get on very well it might be because you have reduced her entire personality down to "carbon copy" of another person. Just because they share some similarities does not mean they are not two distinct people and the fact that you haven't noticed that shows a complete lack of interest in her as a person.

Talking about the wedding as "your big day" and already thinking about how to exclude important members of your DP's family so it can be more "perfect" for you would suggest you're not really mature enough to get married.

She is your BIL's long term partner not your fiances ex
I can see why them being related and looking the same is weird for you BUT they are 2 people and should be treated as such. If your only reason for not inviting her is because of who her sister is then that is unfair.

I don't really wanna distance him from his brother.. I do want his brother to make the effort with him more as he sees his brother as very important to him clearly and he's not reciprocating by leaving him out of things not involving him etc. it's not his brother it's the twin and the fact she brings up FB memories of them all every weekend and her sister as though I've never entered the picture and they're all still together.. I would die inside when it happened and just sit feeling awful with noone noticing so it's not like I've excluded anyone or made them feel bad yet or done anything I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate this...

Sorry, but you can't exclude her.

If nothing was to change, if in 10 years time, you still don’t like your ILs, they still mention his ex-wife and mother of his children, you still don’t like the fact that your SIL looks the same as your DH’s ex-wife, his children still don’t interact with you and ignore their siblings, how will you feel?

I would reflect on what the reality of your situation is and ask yourself if you can live a life of permanently feeling second best and having no real relationship with your DH’s family which are the people he loves and cares deeply for?

Your situation sounds like a perpetual misery. Waiting for the children to leave, not wanting to attend family events, not even wanting them to attend your wedding.

She doesn't know I've reduced her to that but even my partner agrees that 'yes they're very similar'.. we haven't had any conflict she's just been arranging things within the friend group and not inviting my partner to it or leaving him out and when asked they say 'well you have the babies now'. She hasn't really supported her sister with the alcoholism or to move away from that either the pugh solidarity or encouraging her away from it as she's still very much a proud binge drinker which I think is very selfish and strange

Have you considered that she doesn't like gatherings because she feels very uncomfortable and playing on her phone is the way she copes.But she is your partner's child so if course he would want her at his wedding.
I feel extremely sorry for these children who have an alcoholic mother with mental health problems , a father who doesn't seem particularly involved in their lives and a step mother who sees them as a hindrance. It really isn't surprising that they don't engage much , they have experienced trauma in their lives and it's understandable that the boy wants to spend most of his time at his uncle and aunt's house probably where he feels more secure and welcome.

We don't even have a room for my 8 month old boy ATM because they stay so where would they stay if it was 50 50.

You knew his older DC existed and need rooms to stay in. It's your own fault if you plan a new baby without having a house big enough for the baby to have its own room.

You seem to be focusing a lot on other people not making enough effort with you or your DC. Your DP loves you to the extent that he dropped out of a big family holiday with his DC in order to be with you. That's his decision. It probably didn't set you off on the best foot with everyone else, and they're all in the flow of their lives and not likely to be at a point to be putting much effort into a relationship with you. His teenage kids are especially unlikely to be that keen on two babies in quick succession from their dad's younger woman who's come into their life/home. On the one hand, you say you understand this, but on the other you resent it and expect more from everyone, which is only going to lead to more resentment and rift. I'm not saying they're all right and you're wrong, but this is the situation you've chosen and it's not going to change for you. Not inviting SIL will in no way help matters and will make this bad situation worse, which isn't a great way to start your marriage.

OP, I’m in a similar, not identical, set up to you. My husbands best mate for the past 25 years, is married to my husbands ex wife’s sister

Honestly, you are asking for trouble if you let this eat away at you. We’ve been together 19 years now and we go on holiday, meals out, social occasions, with the best mate and his wife (husbands ex sister in law).
Does the Ex wife come up in conversation, of course, I’d think it weird as shit if she didn’t. When we go round their house, there are also photos of his ex wife from when she’s been on holiday with her sister etc. Perfectly normal and expected.

You have to shake the jealousy (and that’s what it is) shackles off, or your marriage will not work. Please, get over this. He is with you, not his ex wife, anymore. The odds are stacked against you ever being happy, if you can’t be humble, and realise that the twin, is not his ex wife, they look the same, but they are not the same.

You’re being overindulgent with your expectations and are slowly alienating yourself from social gatherings, that if you made an effort to immerse yourself in, you might enjoy. The green eyed monster is winning.

Your future BIL’s wife should be at your wedding, it’s absurd to think otherwise.

It’s one of these rise above it - it’s hard I know!

Not quite the same situation but a friends partner had a falling out with his sister (linked to not overly liking my friend)
They got engaged and there was a lot of questions that asked around whether his sister would be invited - she was. The wedding went well and polite conversation. It was the right thing to do. Ironically when she got married a few years later her brother wasn’t even invited sadly. It caused hurt and unnecessary.
My friend always feels she did the right thing even though it wasn’t returned.

You sound immature and insecure.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has previously been married and has children with someone else you have to accept that they have a past that is very much still mixed with their present. Their Ex isn’t just someone who you heard about in a brief conversation they are very much still in their life due to sharing children so you have to accept that.

Everyone has had previous relationships it’s a fact of life.

This is very much a you problem that you need to deal with or you’re going to continue to cause strain on your relationship with your partner and also his family and children.

Pretty sure most people- especially twins- can pick up when someone sees them as the same person. They are not the same person. This is why your SIL, who is not an alcoholic, does not need to stop drinking because her sister is an alcoholic. Different people who have different needs. If your DP feels left out then maybe he should talk to them about it. If you feel left out, it's probably because of your attitude.

Maybe she excludes your DP sometimes because she’s inviting her sister. I assume you would have a problem with your DP being there with his ex.

In any case, the whole situation is bonkers and you really shouldn’t have got yourself in it.

So when you just started seeing eachother you were happy that he pulled out of a family holiday and probably let his children down massively just to please you? Fucking hell. That’s shocking.

Unfortunately, I think this will have set the tone for how his family and children feel about the OP, and that is unlikely to change.

You had only just started seeing him and were happy he dropped out of a prearranged family holiday (how long had they separated?), do you think that may have something to do with the fact his children possibly haven't 'out enough effort in'? He basically told them very early on that some new woman came first.

YOU need to put the effort in. The way you talk about everyone makes me think everyone will pick up on your distain.

They may not invite him because they are inviting the sister, and you made it clear from the beginning you don't want your DP near her. OR maybe they don;t invite him to everything because they feel they'd need to invite you and it's obvious you don't like any of them and are jealous.

Yes, you need to invite the SIL or make things even worse.

You knew he had children and any decent step parent knows that their Dad's (or Mum's depending on who is the RP) is also their home. You treat them like separate from your own children - they're teens, they're not stupid.

Half of me feels sorry for your DP and the other half thinks he needs to get a backbone.

This marriage will not last. I hope any future partner/wife of your partner is more hospitable, friendly, and most of all…a better, and less bitter person, then you are able to be.

Your partner’s family must be secretly thinking that their son, brother, mate, etc….is about to get married to a total fruit loop. I hope none of his family keep pet rabbits.

You cannot reasonably exclude the groom's brother's wife from the wedding unless you have a micro-wedding with only his mum and your mum and the officiant and no one else. If there are more than 3 guests then the brother's wife must be one of them. The fact that she's an identical twin is irrelevant, she is a different person.

You cannot reasonably exclude the mother of your soon-to-be-husband's children from your life. She exists and is part of the family. Divorce does not stop her from having positive relationships with the wider family.

If you can't get over yourself here it would be better to call off the marriage and find a partner without such a previous history

Yes I totally agree.

I never even expressed how I felt about the holiday, he's never known. he pulled out of it off his own accord. He said to me he didn't like that they wouldn't let me come too as he would miss me too much. Also he was staying in a room with his ex.

I haven't tried to exclude anyone I'm just saying it makes me feel hurt.

I was happy that he wasn't going on a holiday with his ex and kids yes. Would you have honestly been happy about your partner going?

They have no idea about any of this yet

He's talked to them about it. They said they just thought he wouldn't be available as he has babies.

The holiday was in 2022, they separated in 2018 and she'd asked for a divorce by 2020 ,I think. His children were like that before all that holiday stuff i.e. from day one. They've had multiple boyfriends of mum's move in and out for their family home so they're used to all thst. I made an effort to be good with them for years. I booked and took them to alpaca experience outings, theme parks, made them meals, took them for meals, cinema, shopping, trampolining had moved and game nights etc... I stopped making that level of effort eventually cos they still seemed non plussed, like for example they'd walk through the door and not acknowledge me glued to their games and will only eat Macdonalds food and run off from the table after they'd eaten a bite to get back to their electronics etc. I would make them feel at home but they have never reciprocated anything really. They walk past me in corridors after all the effort and make no eye contact or the next time I see them they act like we don't know each other and stick to their games/phones. If they talk to me I am always friendly but that's very rare. My partner asks them to say hi or bye to me. I'm a nurse practitioner and have plenty of positive contact with kids and good relationships and enough to know that a lot of teenagers enjoy their step siblings and new babies in families. It's hard to treat them as my own when they won't let me?

I don't think they know I don't like them because I haven't said much along those line. We only saw each other for an hour on Sunday and it's mainly sil dominating the conversation about how drunk she was the night before, so not that much chat from anyone else anyway. I've not said anything negative to them. These are just thoughts in my mind that I'm airing out on here.

Noone knows about this other than my partner and by the way he told me this was happening (the leaving him out thing) before we got together for a while. And I do remember him messaging me about it before I agreed to give him a go and date him.