How to not invite partner's brother's wife who is also his ex's twin to wedding?

[Snowwhite123456]

Hi.

To cut a long story short..

My partner and I have been together 3 and a half years and have 2 babies. He proposed this Christmas time which I was very happy about and immediately started thinking about wedding planning.

My partner was previously married to someone else and has 2 other children (13 and 15) with his ex partner. The complication is that his brother (and supposed best friend in one) is married to his ex's twin! They broke up apparently as she cheated with someone else from the group of people we would mix with In the distant past/ because of alcoholism and mental health problems? To be honest I've never really been able to pin down a reason for why. It seems to have been her choice to break up despite all this and I remember the twin telling me she 'kicked' him out one day to live at his Mum's and that was that really. I feel aware very that he wasn't the one whose wanted this to end but we are happy together now and he doesn't seem interested in her anymore.

In the past me and the twin have got on okay however my partner's brother and her have left him out of multiple things they have planned and this has become increasingly moreso the past few years. My partner claims he had to chase them down to be invited to things before I was in the picture however I've always been unsure as to why they leave him out of friend/ family plans and never think to invite him? I can see that he's been hurt by this before and that makes me feel terrible. I sometimes wonder if it is anything to do with me? They were all together since early 2000s and I've stopped going to Sunday dinners recently at his parents' house as I realised I wasn't enjoying it because every now and again people will ask how his ex's job is going to his sister or the twin will bring up distant memories in front of me and my partner leaving me feeling awkward and confused. All in all I've felt I'll never really be sat comfortably in this very insular family and that I really don't fit in and why spend my weekends (some of my only respite time between my difficult job and babies) feeling awkward and cringing.

I would like my wedding to be just a good day with people I want to have there. It is my wedding after all and why would I bend over and put myself out bloating for heads and having people looming in the background who make me feel awkward. The twins are identical and when is ay they are they really are.. if you had first me them it would be difficult to tell them apart down to the content of their conversation, their lifestyles, clothes choices etc.. I would really like to at least not invite the twin sister however my partner says he would like his brother there and I'm not sure how to have one without the other. They had 2 kids also similar age to my partner's and they'd have to be invited too. My partner feels his Mum would be upset if he didn't invite everyone.

Has anyone any ideas or feelings about this I just would really like some objective opinion?

Fair enough. What made it 'the right thing' do you think?

Yes he's said he's inviting them and will ask if they want to come but they have said they don't like weddings and find them boring so I doubt they will anyway

Why is your DP letting them run off and hide on their devices when you are on family outings?

I do agree I wouldn't like my partner sharing a room with his ex, was there no option for another room?

Well it took me a while after to ask where he was staying i.e. in the room with her and he said he'd thought about maybe him sharing with his brother and her sharing with the twin as it was hotel rooms. She had been allowed to invite the boyfriends she had in previous years so I didn't get why I wasn't allowed to be invited?

He has tried to get them doing stuff int eh living areas with us but they don't like the crying of the babies and have always preferred going on their games

Why did they book a holiday together 4 years after separating?

“His children were like that before all that holiday stuff i.e. from day one. They've had multiple boyfriends of mum's move in and out for their family home so they're used to all thst.”
I am surprised you have children of your own and can’t see that your DPs teenagers need even more support not less? They have to deal with a chaotic mother who has men in and out of their lives, a father who has chosen his new girlfriend and gone on to have a new life. Before this, it sounds like he was still actively being a dad I.e booked a holiday 4 years after they had separated?!

You were the catalyst that changed their lives as they knew it. I’m not blaming you because that was your DPs decision, and he should have tread more sensitively. Him saying he would miss you too much to be away for 2 weeks. Does he not miss his children?

Put yourself in these children’s shoes, even better, put yourself in your children’s shoes, he bins you off for another woman, your children are approaching their teen years (the hardest years with so much internal and external change!) and he doesn’t go on holiday with them, and only sees them now and again because he’s got a new girlfriend. Then, she’s pregnant. Now the new girlfriend wants their bedroom for her new beloved baby.

See how all of this sounds?!

The issues in this relationship are so much deeper than your original question!

Penelope it's incredibly difficult to support someone who won't engage with support even if they're teenagers. He's made the effort with them and turned up every time to pick them up for tea every week to take his son to karate every Tuesday and to have them over to our house to stay every other weekend even when I'd just had c sections. He has tried to do things with them and sometimes they want to like swimming the other week but he doesn't force it if it's not wanted. The new things we do involve the babies and they don't want to know if it involves anything like that as they find them annoying. I get that they need support and I have put this toy partner but I think he's been at a loss at to how to help them. I am the only partner he has had since splitting up with their Mum. He never stopped seeing them to see me. Yes I do want the rooms for my 19 month old and 8 month old eventually as they have their own rooms at their house. Why should my kids have no room for them to stay over twice a month?

I've made the effort with all, they've all been dismissive int heir engagements with me. My partner's mum and dad are not dismissive but the rest are.

They will be older soon and eventually want to stop coming.. it's not perpetual as time begets change.. I don't HAVE to get married but a pleasant wedding day would be great

There was no seeing them now and again I've never known him to miss seeing them in the entirety of our togetherness even when I was fresh off having c sections they were there staying because it was his weekend.

It sounds like such a sad situation for you all. I am struck by you say that his older children will ‘eventually want to stop coming’, how sad, our relationships are so important in life, and for those older children it sounds like their father is the one positive they have.

I was curious about hour your DP’s parents would feel if his older children (their grandchildren) and their daughter in law were not at the wedding. I worry that you maybe burning bridges with all of your DP’s family, who are going to be imoortant people for you little boys as they grow up and become adults.

I was also wondering about your own family relationships, do you have your family that you can talk this through and support you? Do your family have a relationship with DP’s family and especially his kids- it’s sounds like they may benefit from an extended family?

No shit Sherlock. Their dad had two new children in a short space of time, sounds like he barely sees them and there is not enough space for them anyway. Teen years are really hard. If their mother is an alcoholic dad should have stepped up and taken responsibility for them, maybe try for them to live mainly with him but no, he went off and started a new family instead. I think the wedding is the least of your issues.

How often does he see them? You said twice a month but then say “turned up every time to pick them up for tea”. What does this mean?

He takes his child to an activity once a week. He’s not exactly father of the year. If he’s only picking them up twice a month, you’d bloody hope he wouldn’t miss that! Come on, would you not be annoyed with him if he saw your child for two weekends and took one child to one activity a week? You think he’s brilliant because he’s with you and the babies 7 days a week! When you split up, are you happy for this level of contact between him and your children?

The activities you plan involve the babies, great, because what teenager wants to spend time with babies? Your partner needs to start considering his children’s needs properly if he ever wants you all to have a good relationship. Taking them out on days out without screaming children so he can have proper conversations, do nice things with them. He isn’t around much so he needs some quality time with them.

You want two bedrooms for your babies and he has two other children so sounds like you need a bigger house or can you put a partition wall up? That is not on them, that is on your DP. They are children, and you as adults needs to figure out how you meet all of their needs.

The relationship will not get better whilst your DP keeps sending the message to his children that they are an afterthought or not a thought at all!

My partner's parents are very involved and love to have my boys, they're great with them and my 19 month old asks me 'Grandma?' sometimes so I know he sees it the same way. Like anyone though they have their cons e.g. my partner is a graphic designer and is good at his job. He's been working at the same little company 20 years with no pay rise so I've questioned why and encouraged him to progress with this. He's made his own website and little business with his friend and when he told his Mum she has never thought much of it or put any onus on career or self development for why of her kids. She is directly family orientated and doesn't value the importance of progress otherwise by the looks of it.

Yah I do think they'd be asking questions if we didn't invite sil as my partner has already said this. It is sad that they'll eventually stop coming but they don't seem interested even when Dad reaches out to them. Yes he is probably standing out as the most positive figure in their lives but idk whether they see it that way. As I said they see roblox, YouTube and tiktok as the most important things in their lives.

My family would just say don't get married it's too expensive or something along those lines. They're not emotionally supportive. Theyve never properly baby sat my kids before either. They live 40 mins away and mil and fil live 5 mins away. I'm talking on here cos I have noone to talk to about this.

He has them every Wednesday for tea. Then every other weekend Friday to Sunday.he also takes his son to karate on Tuesdays so he picks them up 2-4 times a week.hr wants his daughter to do an activity too but she doesn't like going anywhere or doing anything. She does like going. Swimming sometimes. She doesn't like to go out with friends even but will sometimes have a sleepover with a friend connected to sil and her mum and the sleepover is with an 11 year old even though she's 15

He has tried to involve them in things many a time I have seen it for myself. Even before the babies it was devices they gravitated towards. he is part time now to look after the babies and I am full time as I earn a lot more so he doesn't have much money, I actually have to top up his money for us to make ends meet. If course the is still paying child support, half of the childminder money but he can't afford to buy them anything because he is making less than his outgoings (childcare is 1200 month for us rn and we only have them in 3 days). The routine involves the babies unfortunately, it's as though people on these forums think that the teenagers are somehow more important?

I used my day off to view a house with one more bedroom the other day -we're renting at the moment. I got us all ready and walked up there in the pram to be told the tenants won't allow access so that kind of put me off that particular property lol! I do keep looking for places in our area with extra space. My partner is very tight with money and doesn't like that we're already paying 900 rent for a 3 bed.. the 4 bed properties seem to be over a grand and right now with paying out for childcare etc we barely have enough to pay for that. Our rent used to be 700 and it's crept up like everywhere it was more affordable back then.

I would be very happy to have an entire weekend off every 2 weeks yes. he does all the picking up and dropping off aswell. He gets up early with them every weekend both days and mostly in the night too. He would get up with his teenagers but they don't want to.

When it came out that she was and alcoholic and trying to kill herself and self harm etc he was with her and again after he lived with his mum and she kicked him out for their council house. She was the one who wanted to end the relationship as she was cheating on him. his mum and dad only had 2 spare rooms, one he would stay in and the other his kids would stay in on his weekends so I don't think he could have had them full time plus his ex's mum told him she'd definitely kill herself if she lost care of them. He tells me that's why he didn't try to have full care of them

This. OP it might be your wedding that you’re concerned with but there are so many bigger issues here. Doesn’t sound like the teens have been prioritised or given any grace. And the fact he pulled out of a holiday with his children because he would miss you too much is shocking. This situation is complex as you’ve embarked on a relationship with someone who has another life which you don’t seem that comfortable with..

We have tried to prioritise them include them etc they don't respond of show an interest in anything other than their devices and games.. were we supposed to have no kids together cos he already has teenage kids? I didn't have all the time in the world to have kids, I'm approaching 40 and had difficulties with maintaining a pregnancy. They've been given all the grace, noone is unkind to them they can do what they want whenever they want.

It was his idea to pull out the holiday and I would've stopped seeing him if he didn't anyway as I thought it was an awful feeling thinking he would be sleeping in a room with his ex

You aren’t expected to not have a relationship with someone who has children, but you are expected to do it knowing the children come first. The same as I’m sure you’d expect your children to come first if you broke up and he got a new girlfriend. They’re teenagers, of course they are mainly interested in their devices but as the adult it doesn’t mean stop making any effort. The holiday with the ex isn’t ideal but was already booked and you were the new girlfriend, he should have gone for his children and booked another room if necessary. Do you trust him?

Yes I do trust him but I just don't think having a man who sleeps in the same room as his ex is a boundary I'd be willing to let go children involved or not. And it hasn't stopped him trying to involve them, they never turn around and say yeah I would like to play a board game or yeah I would like to go out for the day. The boy always wants to be with his cousin and the girl wants to be inside in her room and doesn't like to go out with friends either.

You will cause a rift and drama if you do this.

although it sounds like you are all awash with drama