How to not invite partner's brother's wife who is also his ex's twin to wedding?

[Snowwhite123456]

Hi.

To cut a long story short..

My partner and I have been together 3 and a half years and have 2 babies. He proposed this Christmas time which I was very happy about and immediately started thinking about wedding planning.

My partner was previously married to someone else and has 2 other children (13 and 15) with his ex partner. The complication is that his brother (and supposed best friend in one) is married to his ex's twin! They broke up apparently as she cheated with someone else from the group of people we would mix with In the distant past/ because of alcoholism and mental health problems? To be honest I've never really been able to pin down a reason for why. It seems to have been her choice to break up despite all this and I remember the twin telling me she 'kicked' him out one day to live at his Mum's and that was that really. I feel aware very that he wasn't the one whose wanted this to end but we are happy together now and he doesn't seem interested in her anymore.

In the past me and the twin have got on okay however my partner's brother and her have left him out of multiple things they have planned and this has become increasingly moreso the past few years. My partner claims he had to chase them down to be invited to things before I was in the picture however I've always been unsure as to why they leave him out of friend/ family plans and never think to invite him? I can see that he's been hurt by this before and that makes me feel terrible. I sometimes wonder if it is anything to do with me? They were all together since early 2000s and I've stopped going to Sunday dinners recently at his parents' house as I realised I wasn't enjoying it because every now and again people will ask how his ex's job is going to his sister or the twin will bring up distant memories in front of me and my partner leaving me feeling awkward and confused. All in all I've felt I'll never really be sat comfortably in this very insular family and that I really don't fit in and why spend my weekends (some of my only respite time between my difficult job and babies) feeling awkward and cringing.

I would like my wedding to be just a good day with people I want to have there. It is my wedding after all and why would I bend over and put myself out bloating for heads and having people looming in the background who make me feel awkward. The twins are identical and when is ay they are they really are.. if you had first me them it would be difficult to tell them apart down to the content of their conversation, their lifestyles, clothes choices etc.. I would really like to at least not invite the twin sister however my partner says he would like his brother there and I'm not sure how to have one without the other. They had 2 kids also similar age to my partner's and they'd have to be invited too. My partner feels his Mum would be upset if he didn't invite everyone.

Has anyone any ideas or feelings about this I just would really like some objective opinion?

I think big cheap party in the UK and elope for the real wedding!

I think if you want your babies there then you might need to go down the route of a wedding or party where the teens are also invited.

But a good photographer would do all the family combinations for you - including just you and your partner and your shared kids as well as some including your step kids, some with just your partner and all his kids, some with your parents and their grandkids etc etc etc

Honestly, I’m shocked at some of your responses. You sound horrible, truly horrible. And this whole situation sounds like a disaster. His children don’t like you, his brother doesn’t like you, why you had children and are considering marriage with this man is beyond me. But you come across as a pig headed woman who will just do as she pleases to the detriment of others, so I suppose I know why you’re doing it.

I haven't ever been unkind to his brother or his children.. I haven't yet decided what I'm doing that's why I'm on here. If you met me in person you'd see I'm not truly horrible 🤣, far from it

Let it go OP!

We were together a couple of years before my first baby and timing wise I didn't want to wait too long because I'm approaching 40. I wasn't prepared to wait and miss my window of something I wanted to meet societal expectations parent from this thread that teenage siblings are uncomfortable with babies. I don't expect anything but I hoped for an olive branch with them when there babies came along maybe through them showing some care or love towards them. I do t think it's their fault? What do you mean fault of what? I've been around 4 years now so not that new

Yea probably so . I'm thinking of allowing my partner to an have complete agency over a pub style do here to suit whatever he wants and his family and for me to put more in to a do abroad

What you and their father have done to his teenagers is unkind. Together only 3 years with 2 children already? Within less than 2 years of their parents separating? And you wonder why they don’t like you or want to spend time with either of you or your children that have been forced on them? He moved them into a house they’re clearly unhappy in. His DS can’t wait to get out of the house and go to BIL and SIL and you want to exclude SIL from the wedding? His daughter doesn’t ever want to come out of her room, the room you resent her having because you want it for your child. No mention of the fact that you and your BF chose to have more children in a house not big enough to accommodate everyone.

out of interest, when he pulled out of the holiday, did the children still go?

You and your husband clearly couldn’t give a shit about these teens if they’re not willing to go along with your happy clappy plans of this new family. Absolutely shocking treatment and I’ve no doubt they’ll distance themselves from you asap, which you will obviously be more than delighted about.

Weddings are supposed to be the bringing together of 2 families, but you just see it as ‘your big day’. Absolutely pathetic.

You had no right to an opinion that early in a relationship and to say you were happy he let down his kids says a lot about you. Wonder how you’ll feel when he does that to your kids.

Yes it would be good to get all the combos, I'd love some nice pics of us all!

I agree with you.

You said you've been together 3.5 years, one child (I assume the eldest) is 19 months which means you were together around 14 months before you got pregnant. At that point most wouldn't be introducing their kids to another woman, or if they were it would be slowly, but you guys were already trying to get pregnant at that point. You've foisted this on his other kids and are now complaining they aren't interested. Doesn't take a genius to work out why.

You can’t ostracise a sister in law because she’s your partners ex’s twin. ( yes it’s a bit awkward) but you really need to make more effort to embrace her and the same goes for his kids
also the ex wife as the mother of his kids she is part of your life weather you like it or not

I really don’t think you are ready to get married when you are so insecure about the twins and hate all his family , it’s perfectly normal for her to chat about her sisters job etc and reminisce a bit they have shared history which you need to get over

you are coming across badly here and god only knows how you are coming across to his family , that needs to be in a good place before marrying

They have no idea that I feel upset or awkward about this. I'm pleasant to them. I don't want to make anyone feel ostracized but I do want the wedding day to be about our relationship and not the old relationship. She is ostracizing my partner by forgetting to invite him to things involving his friendship group and leaving him out.

I told him about this today..vhe wondered why I was in the bath so long left night and I ended up telling him about this thread and everything . He asked his kids if they like me tonight and they said they do. He asked his daughter why she wants to be indoors in her room all the time and she says she doesn't know just doesn't like going out and prefers being inside where it's quiet. He said he's told me before they're like this with everyone and that their Mum is always fixed in her phone too so that's what they've learned is normal and okay. It was his son's bday today so he bought him a cake, made him a funny card at work bought him an oodie he wanted and sang happy birthday whilst I was at work..

He said he doesn't mind how we get married and that he just really wants to get married.

We got together in 2021. They separated in 2018. We didn't move them in to this house, we moved here to be near them and so we could live together they stay here and visit every week and have their own home nearby where they used to live with Dad. We had kids in a 3 bed yes even though the teenagers stay over about 4 nights per month. The second baby wasn't planned but he's great and we're glad we had him anyway! The kids still went on the hols yes of course. It was just my partner who didn't go. He didn't know I wasn't happy about him going. Maybe he felt awkward about staying in the room with ex wife etc? Idk?

He does care about them and has told me how much he cares on many occasions, talks about them and to them often, washes cleans and cooks for them happily etc.

Yes I guess so . I'm starting to think more about it now and wonder whether it is just best to invite them and find a way to deal with it

🤣 I wasn't happy he let down anyone, I was happy he decided not to go because that would've been a cut off for me.. I would have gone too but they didn't want me there even though his ex's partner's have gone year to year

I don't 'hate all this family' but there are some questionable moments where I feel awful as I've explained..

I wouldn't say she's part of my life, she's not wanted to coparent or anything. She's happy as long as they come when they're meant to as she has plans to go to the local social club to drink usually. There was a time when my partner asked not to have them (one time) as I was giving birth and wanted to the home to ourselves that weekend (c sections are painful, undignified and I really wanted that one weekend just us) but she said no she had plans to go out and that this is the only time her and her partner can have sex so they ended up staying with my partner's parents as my partner wanted to be with me at the hospital for the birth until we got home.

The teenagers are not more important but they have had the more traumatic start in life and so they need support. And they need some proper quality time with their father away from the babies. His daughter in particular sounds very damaged. It's a very sad situation. As a nurse practitioner I would expect you to have more empathy

I empathise but feel like that's up to him to sort. He has been upset before about how she doesn't like talking to people much or going out with friends as I've pointed out there's something going on with her and some strategies he can try but he doesn't follow my advice really or get much back from her.. or she says she wants to be left alone in her room but have people around downstairs if she decides she needs them -she is 15 now. He has asked if she's okay and whether she wants to meet up with friends and she just says yes fine and she doesn't like to do that and prefers her own company and environment most of the time -people she's been friends with have to come to her and sleep at her house as she's very scared of staying at others' houses in although fine staying here and doesn't protest about that. Yesterday she was telling him about a new Roblox game she loves now at tea. She sometimes likes drawing like he does.

"thinking of allowing my partner to an have complete agency over a pub style do"

Oh, you're allowing him, are you?

You say the second baby wasn't planned but in your previous post you said you "didn't want to wait too long because I'm approaching 40. I wasn't prepared to wait and miss my window of something I wanted"

So which is it?

You're jealous of his kids. Plain and simple, you want it to be all about you and your kids together.

You were (allegedly) secretly happy that he didn't go in that holiday (I don't believe you kept it secret at all) where you should have insisted he go to be with his kids because you are an adult and can cope with the fact he has kids. You could have suggested he get his own room but you didn't want him going at all.

Your words were “I was happy he didn’t go with his ex and kids”. He let his kids down really badly and you were pleased. That’s really shitty of both of you.

I was happy he didn't go because I thought going on holiday and staying with his wife was something I just couldn't let be and still be with him but I also wasn't gonna ask him not to go or tell him how I felt so I thought it was the end... I was happy we would stay together after that.. not that anyone was let down

The first baby was definitely planned after all the miscarriages. The second baby wasn't, there's only an 11 month gap so definitely not planned lol but I didn't end the pregnancy because of all the miscarriages and hurt before that.. it was a shock when I found out I was in pregnant and I started to think about it and maybe that we could do it.. my partner was worried we wouldn't be able to cope when i told him but we are coping even though it's hard and "new" baby (8 months now) is such a lovely boy who's brought us a lots of joy.

I kept it a secret that I was upset he was going on holiday with his ex when we started seeing each other. I remember feeling a shocked hurt and confused feeling when he said about itm at first he said he was going to Florida and I thought he meant just the kids him, his brother and the twin etc but then I realised meant his ex too. He hd said that the previous time he didn't go because she had a boyfriend that year so he wasn't invited. I remember not saying anything to him about it and asking other people's advice (friends, colleagues etc) who all said it's not right . I felt sad cos I thought I would end it if he went -nothing dramatic just sort of move on and stay as friends. I was so disappointed cos I already knew how much I liked him and had feelings for him but just couldn't go on with it after that. When he suggested about me going too I was super happy. Then when he said they'd said no because it's a family holiday and it would be awkward I felt heavily disappointed and down about it thinking we'd have to end again. So when he one day said he told sil he wasn't going which she said was fine and he lost his deposit etc I was just relieved like I felt he had my back and he cared and we could stay together. Hia daughter didn't like wearing sun cream apparently nd would only eat at Macdonalds so had to break off with someone to go there a lot and most of their trips were to go on rides which she's generally very scared of so I don't even know how much she enjoyed it anyway. Apparently she stayed in with her grandma a lot of it.

I didn't insist he went with his kids cos I didn't wvenknow he would cancel anyway and I'd have been too embarrassed to be like that at the beginning of the dating. I'm a like to be pursued person and I wouldn't nag and ask things like that because I'd be petrified of seeming desperate and embarrassing