How to not invite partner's brother's wife who is also his ex's twin to wedding?

[Snowwhite123456]

Hi.

To cut a long story short..

My partner and I have been together 3 and a half years and have 2 babies. He proposed this Christmas time which I was very happy about and immediately started thinking about wedding planning.

My partner was previously married to someone else and has 2 other children (13 and 15) with his ex partner. The complication is that his brother (and supposed best friend in one) is married to his ex's twin! They broke up apparently as she cheated with someone else from the group of people we would mix with In the distant past/ because of alcoholism and mental health problems? To be honest I've never really been able to pin down a reason for why. It seems to have been her choice to break up despite all this and I remember the twin telling me she 'kicked' him out one day to live at his Mum's and that was that really. I feel aware very that he wasn't the one whose wanted this to end but we are happy together now and he doesn't seem interested in her anymore.

In the past me and the twin have got on okay however my partner's brother and her have left him out of multiple things they have planned and this has become increasingly moreso the past few years. My partner claims he had to chase them down to be invited to things before I was in the picture however I've always been unsure as to why they leave him out of friend/ family plans and never think to invite him? I can see that he's been hurt by this before and that makes me feel terrible. I sometimes wonder if it is anything to do with me? They were all together since early 2000s and I've stopped going to Sunday dinners recently at his parents' house as I realised I wasn't enjoying it because every now and again people will ask how his ex's job is going to his sister or the twin will bring up distant memories in front of me and my partner leaving me feeling awkward and confused. All in all I've felt I'll never really be sat comfortably in this very insular family and that I really don't fit in and why spend my weekends (some of my only respite time between my difficult job and babies) feeling awkward and cringing.

I would like my wedding to be just a good day with people I want to have there. It is my wedding after all and why would I bend over and put myself out bloating for heads and having people looming in the background who make me feel awkward. The twins are identical and when is ay they are they really are.. if you had first me them it would be difficult to tell them apart down to the content of their conversation, their lifestyles, clothes choices etc.. I would really like to at least not invite the twin sister however my partner says he would like his brother there and I'm not sure how to have one without the other. They had 2 kids also similar age to my partner's and they'd have to be invited too. My partner feels his Mum would be upset if he didn't invite everyone.

Has anyone any ideas or feelings about this I just would really like some objective opinion?

Yes he'll invite them. I feel like he's not really properly my partner sometimes as the families are so connected obviously

Remnants of his old life. He has two children with his ex. He is and always will be connected to his previous life he has children. Tbh you had two children in a short 3 year span and don't seem mature enough to be a step parent or getting married. You have issues with the ex and surrounding family members.

YABVU for all the points above. It is natural for your parents in law to ask their daughter in law (your sister in law) how her sister is, regardless of whether or not she is an ex.

You sound very jealous. I would focus on getting over your jealousy and working on your relationship with both your in laws and your step kids before you even think about getting married.

Your partner’s ex is never going to be totally out of the picture not matter how they broke up, your partner is co-parenting with her, her twin being married to your partner’s brother is just an added complication.
You don’t like his children and seem to resent their very existence as they remind you that he was in a serious relationship before you met. You don’t like your BIL and your SIL, you want his family to pretend his ex doesn’t exist, you and your partner disagree on how to deal with his family.
Why did you get involved and have 2 children so quickly with someone with such baggage. Even if you find a way to manage the wedding, that’s just one day, what about the rest of your life if you stay together, this complicated situation day in / day out & year in / year out, is this what you want cause it doesn’t sound like it’s making you happy?

So to be clear, you don’t like your BIL, SIL or your step children. You basically want your partner to leave out half his family because you’re jealous of his ex? You also don’t interact with his children? I can’t for the life of me see this marriage lasting.

This is a bit of a mess, but you've had 2 children and there's no extricating yourself now without making it worse.

So here is what I'd do. First is to invite bil and sil to the wedding, have minimal contact with them during the day and drown out their presence with own family and friends. If you eloped, you'd be depriving yourself of a wedding that you presumably want. To not invite them is very pointed and makes them of greater importance than they really are. Inviting them sends the message that you are secure and they don't bother you. Your wedding will still be about you and your fiance, even if bil/sil are guests.

Secondly, I'd reduce social contact with Bil and Sil - no, it's not sil's fault that her twin is your fiancés ex wife, but you are entitled not to have to socialise with ex wife's sister every weekend! This is a natural consequence of the first marriage going wrong - people move on, have new relationships and the social
landscape changes. Your fiance has to appreciate how the current set up is a bit much for you and be willing to adapt for your comfort. Encourage him to see his brother on a one to one basis - not everything has to involve wives. Mil will also have to adapt to the new normal as well.

Get to know his children. They are your children's siblings, they matter and it's already hard for them having a mum with issues and a dad who has a new partner and new children. Encourage him to spend time just with them and try to adapt your thinking so that you aren't just tolerating g them and waiting for them to leave.

Truthfully, I think it was madness for you and fiance to move this quickly and have 2 new kids without the stepchildren being fully on board , but all you can do at this point is try to build the relationship and be genuinely welcoming.

I think you should invite your fiancés brothers wife. It’s a bit of an odd set up but you can’t complain about them excluding you and then go and exclude them.

You’ve had two babies with this guy in 3.5 years. It’s too late to be worried about SIL looking like his ex/mother of his older kids. That’s the family you’re in and there’s no way to not invite her if you’re inviting the brother. You sound like you’ve sleptwalked into this and somehow imagine it’ll be different and okay if you don’t invite her to the wedding but the wedding is just how your life and family is now with him. You’ve got no control over it, as proved by not being able to just go get married because of his wishes and potential upset. It all sounds pretty unappealing to be honest but you’re all in so better find a way to deal with it rather than trying to pretend it’s not so. As PPs say, SIL isn’t her twin and you’ve known all along she’d be in the picture and gone for it anyway. The only other option is not marrying him, which might save some pain longer term.

I this relationship is doomed. Why did he have children with you when his existing children don't speak to you? How can you cope having the lookalike around all the time?

You "imagine" your DP will want to invite his children? Have you had literally no conversations about how your wedding (joint your - it's his wedding as well) would be?

Seriously, why are you getting married?

You can’t not invite someone’s wife because she looks like someone you don’t like or want there.

You can't invite his brother, his nieces and nephews and not his brother's wife. That's ridiculous.

You also say "supposed" best friend but his brother is probably stuck between a rock and a hard place at times, he wants to spend time with his brother and their friendship group but is also still friends with his wife's twin sister, his brother's ex.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but it sounds like you've rushed into having two children and planning a wedding in 3.5 years without being emotionally mature enough to cope with the fact his ex is still entangled in their lives via his sister in law, or by not giving it enough time before getting serious to feel secure in the relationship. If you were genuinely secure in the relationship you wouldn't be trying to exclude your partner's sister in law or cause rifts with his mum and his brother over something you were aware of getting into the relationship.

It’s not surprising at all that your BIL and SIL either invite you and your partner or SIL’s twin to things, but not both at the same time.
You can’t exclude your sister in law from your wedding because she is the twin of your partner’s ex. They are two separate people. And excluding your partner’s older children is also a terrible idea.
The only way you can really get married without inviting either your SIL or your stepkids is to elope with two witnesses. Does that appeal? It’s not necessarily a bad option if you want to be married but the wedding party itself is going to cause family strife.

You need to grow op. His ex is his ex. He doesn’t sound like a great Dad to his existing children to be honest. If you want to marry this man you need to get over your jealously of his past and build a relationship with his children. It sounds like you want to isolate him from his family and kids. Sorry but you knew what you were getting into and did it anyway. Woman up.

Just out of interest are you significantly younger than your DP?
I don't usually like to say something unkind to a stranger on the Internet but you sound very immature and are being very unreasonable.

To give you some context.. my partner is very consistent and has always been there for them and is always kind, they're just stuck in their devices and it's difficult to engage them and always has been ime. I have tried with them in the past and we don't not get on but we don't get on great either. I have made the effort with them to arrange fun outings and tried to chat with them but it was painfully awkward and it was just me reaching out and trying to engage them for a couple years so eventually I laid off a bit because I got nothing back. His daughter hasn't tried at all with her new brothers, she's not even spoken to them. She will only eat around 5 foods so we can't go out for dinners together or anything and always wants to be up in the spare room which I wanted for my baby. She never wants to come down. The son wants to be at the brother in law and sister in law's all the time as he wants to always be with his cousin all the time. We've invited them to our family events and they would rather stay at home as they know they wouldn't be allowed on iPads phones and devices whilst at our family gatherings and birthdays. The last straw for me with them was when they showed little and no interest in their new siblings. I understand the situation and I stayed with my partner and got in to this simply because I love him and we are very happy together. I wish that his kids would have made more effort. I didn't expect them to be perfectly behaved angels or to have every thing be like a fairytale I understand they're teenagers but behaviour isn't the issue with them, it's the lack of regard and care..

They are children and you've come along and had two babies very soon after being in their lives. None of this, and I mean literally none of this is their fault. You and your partner have rushed into having children and you're expecting his other children to just magically accept what was a relatively new woman in their lives and then two babies. Come on. Take ownership of your poor decisions and stop putting it on the shoulders of those kids who've done nothing wrong.

How not to invite her? You don´t invite her, make clear that she isn´t welcome but her nuclear family are and sit back and wait for the nuclear explosion. If a relative invited my daughter and me to their wedding but not my husband, I would tell them where to shove it. It is spectacularly pointed and not the done thing. So you either elope or suck it up. And yes, you imagine well that your partner will want to invite his children, because they are HIS CHILDREN. But why you are leaving it to imagination and haven´t spoken to your partner about it is a moot point. Actually, reading your op and replies I was wondering if you were neurodiverse.

I think you need to sort out his kids before you get married. Sounds like a horrible situation.
They clearly don’t want to be at your house. Why hasn’t he got them 50/50.
Also you’ve had two babies very quickly I’m not surprised they’re not thrilled about it.

Teenagers and babies don’t have much in common.

I think you sound threatened by his previous wife and worried he has not moved on.
You can't change his past , he has children with his first wife so she will never be erased from his life. And it is wrong to exclude his brother's wife just because he is married to your partner's ex sister in law. And if course he will want his children at his wedding because they are just as much his child as your children are

Artful screamer (🤣).. basically yes a little. there's about 7 years in it.. I am 36 and he's 43.

I haven't tried to be unreasonable, nothing's been actioned or set in stone yet I'm just casting a net wanting some outside advice and ideas about how I feel and what to do. I wanted to enjoy my wedding day because I don't have to tell people weddings are something you invest so much in so many ways and hope for the day to be the best day of your life. I think from people's opinions it seems like the best thing probably is to have them there but just try to imagine they're not. It isn't just the fact that it's the twin and they were all married together (that is a big part of why I feel the way I do though whether people think I'm immature or not). It's the leaving partner out of things and not involving him and sometimes the ignorance they show.

When we first got together, my partner had a family holiday booked with his ex, the twin and his brother and all their kids to Florida for 2 weeks. I felt awful about this but never mentioned to him that I did at the time as we'd just started seeing each other. I did think that I wouldn't stay with him if he went on the holiday, he was totally unaware of this. One day he suggested to me that it would be great it if I came too and he would talk about how to arrange this. He did and the others said I couldn't come because it was a family holiday or something?. He pulled out of the holiday and lost his deposit cos he was upset about this and said he wouldn't want to be away from me for that long.. I was so glad he did without me even having any input or having to voice my feelings as we wouldn't be together right now

I thought because they left me out of this they'd understand me not inviting them to my big day but from others' opinions I can see this isn't the case and I'll just have to have them there if we have a wedding.

What more can I do to 'sort' with them would you suggest, I've tried haven't I. What more can I do? There needs to be a tiny bit of effort from them too. We don't even have a room for my 8 month old boy ATM because they stay so where would they stay if it was 50 50. I did say to him when his partner was drunk all the time why didn't he try to ask for care of them and basically he said her mum said she would definitely end her life if he took them away (she has tri d before in lockdown) however the oth re have joked that she spends no time with them anyway and 'never does anything with them' as she is still preoccupied with getting drunk despite being an alcoholic in the past and has been preoccupied with her multiple boyfriends she has had since breaking up with my partner who have all seem to have lived at the house.

The thing is, this is his brother. You can't really distance him completely. It's probably hard for bil/sil to adapt to the new reality too. It was easier for them before and now it's not. I think you all have to get used to dynamics not being exactly how you'd want them. But that's families - few of us get the in-laws we'd choose!

So in I shouldn't have had babies with him because of them? My fertility hasn't been amazing so it wasn't a good idea to wait any longer really I had 5 miscarriages before the first baby!

I knew he would but I would like for the people there to be enjoying it and his daughter doesn't like gatherings and places she can't be playing games on her phone really or unfamiliar people so why will she enjoy being at my wedding?