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Original poster

How to not invite partner's brother's wife who is also his ex's twin to wedding?

170 replies

Snowwhite123456 · 22/04/2025 21:29

Hi.

To cut a long story short..

My partner and I have been together 3 and a half years and have 2 babies. He proposed this Christmas time which I was very happy about and immediately started thinking about wedding planning.

My partner was previously married to someone else and has 2 other children (13 and 15) with his ex partner. The complication is that his brother (and supposed best friend in one) is married to his ex's twin! They broke up apparently as she cheated with someone else from the group of people we would mix with In the distant past/ because of alcoholism and mental health problems? To be honest I've never really been able to pin down a reason for why. It seems to have been her choice to break up despite all this and I remember the twin telling me she 'kicked' him out one day to live at his Mum's and that was that really. I feel aware very that he wasn't the one whose wanted this to end but we are happy together now and he doesn't seem interested in her anymore.

In the past me and the twin have got on okay however my partner's brother and her have left him out of multiple things they have planned and this has become increasingly moreso the past few years. My partner claims he had to chase them down to be invited to things before I was in the picture however I've always been unsure as to why they leave him out of friend/ family plans and never think to invite him? I can see that he's been hurt by this before and that makes me feel terrible. I sometimes wonder if it is anything to do with me? They were all together since early 2000s and I've stopped going to Sunday dinners recently at his parents' house as I realised I wasn't enjoying it because every now and again people will ask how his ex's job is going to his sister or the twin will bring up distant memories in front of me and my partner leaving me feeling awkward and confused. All in all I've felt I'll never really be sat comfortably in this very insular family and that I really don't fit in and why spend my weekends (some of my only respite time between my difficult job and babies) feeling awkward and cringing.

I would like my wedding to be just a good day with people I want to have there. It is my wedding after all and why would I bend over and put myself out bloating for heads and having people looming in the background who make me feel awkward. The twins are identical and when is ay they are they really are.. if you had first me them it would be difficult to tell them apart down to the content of their conversation, their lifestyles, clothes choices etc.. I would really like to at least not invite the twin sister however my partner says he would like his brother there and I'm not sure how to have one without the other. They had 2 kids also similar age to my partner's and they'd have to be invited too. My partner feels his Mum would be upset if he didn't invite everyone.

Has anyone any ideas or feelings about this I just would really like some objective opinion?

OP posts:
Btowngirl · 23/04/2025 16:59

I feel very sorry for the teenagers in all this. But in answer to your original question, it would definitely be unreasonable to not invite your SIL! Eloping would probably be the easiest option here.

PenelopeJane91 · 23/04/2025 17:02

These children need a parent. If they can do what they want, when they want, that isn’t parenting?

What you are not understanding, is that this isn’t really about you. I don’t mean that harshly, you seem to be oblivious to the reason these children don’t want anything to do with you, and they don’t seem to want to engage with their dad either. Do you not want to understand why?

If you understood the why, maybe it would make it easier for both you and your DP to properly engage with these children.

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:03

There's been no drama

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:05

No I'm very curious about this and have been for a while. He did pre warn me the day I met them though that they will likely just be sat on their devices and show no interest (didn't word it like that but I never him saying they just like sitting on their iPads and never really say much to anyone). I know they show little interest in us but it's not just us it's anyone

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:07

My partner does have boundaries but they're never really pushed anyway. What I meant to say is that they aren't prevented or blocked from things they've said they want to do, the boy is picked up and taken to his cousins and friend's houses and dropped off when he wants. The girl would be allowed this if she wanted to leave the room. He has got a bit heavy with his encouraging of this before and she's got upset and sulky about it. He said in the past as a little girl she would beg to go home whenever they went out to the point she would wear his ex down and she's give in and take her home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:08

I would like my wedding to be about me though. And my partner. I understand his kids and their needs aren't about me but I thought my wedding day with my partner of all days would be about him and me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:11

Thank you I wondered whether gretna green could be a good option. What more could we do for the teenagers that we aren't doing already?

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:12

They couldn't afford it .. I remember them saying it was 9 grand for sil and bills family as it was !

OP posts:
ManyATrueWord · 23/04/2025 17:13

"I don't think that no but I just wanted an us thing really not remnants of his old relationship hanging about"

Do not marry a man with children then.

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:16

Maybe I won't

OP posts:
Btowngirl · 23/04/2025 17:18

Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:08

I would like my wedding to be about me though. And my partner. I understand his kids and their needs aren't about me but I thought my wedding day with my partner of all days would be about him and me?

Would you get married without your children there? The same way they’re your priority, his older children should be his priority. And now yours by default since you’re marrying a man with children.

You come across on here like you don’t really care about the teens so I’m sure they pick up on that. There shouldn’t be a limit or a cut off point to your effort with them, whether it’s reciprocated or not. They’re children & you’re the adult. Equally did you guys spring the new babies on them or include them in the pregnancy updates on their baby brothers, make effort for them to come & meet them etc. And even then it’s not unexpected that teens still don’t care about babies..

MyUmberSeal · 23/04/2025 17:34

Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:08

I would like my wedding to be about me though. And my partner. I understand his kids and their needs aren't about me but I thought my wedding day with my partner of all days would be about him and me?

What you forget is the ‘him’ aspect of your wedding day means his kids too. They are not separate entities. Your partner is their dad, has always been, will always be and thus a life with him, is a life with them.

It’s that simple. Although in honesty, I’m not totally convinced you really feel the day is about anyone other then yourself.

MyUmberSeal · 23/04/2025 17:35

Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:16

Maybe I won't

Most sensible and well thought out thing you’ve said this whole thread.

Strangeworldtoday · 23/04/2025 17:37

You can't not invite the brothers wife. You'll just have to invite her. What about meeting her separately to discuss the wedding and trying to form a relationship with her. Otherwise, it sounds like a massive fall out and a shit storm that will hang over your wedding if you don't invite her.

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:39

They were there when I got home from c section the day after they were born with their Grandma and were encourage to meet them. The girl said she didn't like babies and wasn't bothered about holding them. I brought them to some of the baby scans with us including gender reveal. They showed little interest and the girl was disappointed when it was revealed about being a boy. There was no drama she just sulked. I am losing energy to keep making the effort as we're busy all day with the babies and that's my priority rn in between house work, cleaning up after them (they didn't help clean plates etc til asked by my partner) and work. One weekend I decided I would try but they blanked me and ran off to do their gaming and stuff so that just sent me right back to not wanting to again. I'm a very friendly and helpful welcoming person who does anything for anyone so don't be thinking I'm some wicked step mum ogre that hasn't been the case. I still think even though they're kids, wanting a bit of reciprocity doesn't make me terrible

OP posts:
Strangeworldtoday · 23/04/2025 17:40

If you are marrying a man with children you are marrying into the whole family, the kids, the ex wife and the grandparents, aunties and uncles and everyone else that raises and cares for his children. The children will always come first. Unless the man is an arsehole and cuts them all off.

Gazelda · 23/04/2025 17:42

So what do you think might happen if you don't invite SIL?

And make his DC feel unwanted at your wedding?

Your DF's relationship with his DB will deteriorate. Which is likely to cause problems with your MIL and FIL too. His SIL and his ex will doubtless talk about how insecure you are. They will speculate on the strength of your relationship.

More importantly, his relationship with his DC will be negatively affected. They will feel unwanted. They will feel second best. They will feel rejected. They will feel 'not good enough'. They will stop visiting you. They will resent their half-siblings.

Your DP will know that he has to choose between his old life and his new. Which means choosing between his older children and your babies.

None of that is a sound basis for a healthy and long-term marriage.

Why don't you access some couples counselling before you go ahead with the wedding? It might help you air your issues, find new tactics to engage with the step-children, resolve the difficulties with BIL and his wife.

But most of all, please do what you can to give the step children a sense of belonging in your home. They have had a difficult childhood and they don't seem to have a stable and constant source of sanctuary.

Strangeworldtoday · 23/04/2025 17:46

Can you elope, or do a small registry office with only a very few people, then hire a pub area or somewhere where it is not a whole day hosting people you dont like.
If you are having a big wedding then you can't not invite your brother wife it would be so terrible.
Imagine how you would feel if a close family member was getting married, everyone, including your husband and kids was invited, except you.

pinknsparkly · 23/04/2025 17:47

I didnt want my dad at my wedding. So we opted to elope without any guests at all (photographer and their spouse were our witnesses). My husband suggested having his mum there as a witness but we decided that the fall out wasn't worth it and so had to choose between everyone or no one. We had an amazing day and I'd do it exactly the same again!

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:49

It does look like I either invite her or don't have a wedding.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 23/04/2025 17:51

Write a list of what you stand to gain from this marriage and really think about it because you don't sound committed to it and it's a lot harder to get out of than get into

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:51

Yes I get that that's why I wanted a way to do it without upsetting anyone.. I am thinking maybe we hire a pub out and do that because I think that setting will be more suited to him and his family vibes then have a small wedding elsewhere -maybe abroad and put it down to lack of funds why loads can't be invited

OP posts:
PetrovaRabbit · 23/04/2025 17:53

Either you invite lots of people and dilute those you are less keen on with people you enjoy being around, or you leave all the kids with grandparents etc for a long weekend and elope with no guests.
If you do want a wedding, you could put your BIL and SIL on a table with their kids and the two teenagers and then put your youngest two on a table with maybe your mum and dad? That way all the people you’re struggling with are together and will probably enjoy being together for the meal! Make all the kids someone else’s responsibility for the day and overnight - on the basis you need a honeymoon night as a couple.

Original poster
Snowwhite123456 · 23/04/2025 17:55

I would love the day with my partner. It doesn't even have to be a legal marriage for me just something something to commemorate our relationship and an amazing day to remember for us and our little guys

OP posts:
PetrovaRabbit · 23/04/2025 17:55

You could also do a registry office wedding with just your two witnesses and no guests then do the pub hire for the reception later in the day. So you get a private romantic couple’s only ceremony and then a not very formal family party after where you invite all the people who need to be included.