Best friend has said no partners to weddings

[EJT91]

one of my best / oldest friends got engaged recently and has invited me and my other oldest friend to the wedding. The only thing is, they’ve said no partners, because they’re only inviting 40 people. I found it a bit odd but didn’t think too much into it. My partner on the other hand is livid. He said it’s rude to do that and that my friend now won’t be welcome at our wedding when we eventually book it! I don’t know what to do. To be honest, I actually don’t really want to go without him. I genuinely enjoy his company and know we’d have a nice time, but equally I’d like to see my friend get married. It’s just really upset me that he’s said my friend wouldn’t be welcome at our wedding, but at the same time I get it? I just wondered what peoples opinions are on things like this!

That’s why we’re doing it, we wanted something small and intimate. We’ve picked the venue and done the guest list on the back of it, both my friend and his partner were on that list and were actually suggested by my partner. I think he feels like he thought more of them than they do of him?

Agreed.
Why is it only 40 people? Everyone is saying "if it's a small wedding then you have to cull" but is there actually a good reason why it's so small?

I would too 😂 I wouldn’t care at all! I’m not really into weddings so any excuse I get I don’t go unless I really like them!

I’ve mainly skimmed the ops responses but I think it’s really poor. It says ‘we are getting married and that’s super special but your marriage is irrelevant’. And I’d think why are you bothering with this marriage thing again, since you don’t seem to care much about it? Partners are invited to weddings in my world and dh and I would both be upset. Invite other friend and her dh around and let them express their feelings together, which are pretty valid. Make jokes that if this fiancé is invited to yours you might need a separate table ‘partners who don’t really count’ and put him on there. It’s ok to tell your friend youre sad dh can’t come or dh is a bit hurt.

Yes they have IMO. You say:

It is very likely they have made a choice to not invite any partners of the friends they have invited

Thus they have communicated that they consider OP's partner to be a partner of their friend, not a friend in their own right. That's hurtful, he thought he and the person getting married were now friends after all the years they have been with OP.

No reason at all really other than it’s my friends second marriage and he didn’t want too much of a fuss.

Your DP is being ridiculous to be so angry and the tit-for-tat reaction of choosing to now not invite the other new spouse to your wedding is just embarrassing.

People have weddings of different sizes. Guest list don't have to be reciprocal. We didn't invite people to our wedding to get some return invitations in the bank.

You’ve summed his feelings ip. He knows he’s being a bit sensitive, but I also kind of get it as well. He’s more sensitive to certain things than I am and this is one of them. I think he feels a bit embarrassed as well that he assumed he was invited until he wasn’t 😂

That’s why we’re doing it, we wanted something small and intimate.

Not sure why that is fine for you but some posters are criticising the other B&G for choosing the same.

I'd understand no +1 if it was local and very small. Several hours away or abroad I'd say very rude not to invite partners (and to be honest kids because it becomes an overnight rather than casual babysitter job).

It’s weird but they’re clearly on a shoestring budget so can’t afford to effectively double the numbers. I’d feel really odd going without my husband. I’m also in the ‘any excuse not to go’ camp, especially to a 2nd wedding.

Yeah he is upset and feels a bit like that. We’ve had a bit of a laugh about it tonight now though and I asked him how it feels to be an extra in my life 😂 I just don’t want this whole thing to make it awkward going forward when we see my friend and his husband! Like imagine if they say “oh remember at the wedding when this happened” and my partner is just sat there 🫠😂

Maybe when you both start planning your wedding you'll understand their reasoning behind it. If they invite all partners to their wedding, their intimate 40 guests will be double that and double the cost.

Your partner is being pathetic.

Because we’re inviting everyone close to us and not leaving anyone out.

Op my half brother got married last year, they had a very small wedding, approx 30 people. Not only was my partner not invited, but neither was my son or grandson! None of them felt slighted, we understood that the wedding was about them, not us. It was mainly family with a few very close friends. It hasn't affected our relationships at all. I honestly think your dp is being a bit precious. They know him because of you. I'm sure they like him and see him as a friend, but they'd have never met him but for you. You are the link between them, and the friendship is through you, not separate to you.

Your DH has a point. It is fucking rude to invite only one part of a couple to celebrate a relationship becoming a marriage.

It is basic etiquette and it is also saying ‘we want you to spend a small fortune to celebrate our coupleness but we don’t care about you being in a couple or not’.

Your DH is being a bit childish about not inviting your friend (and presumably also her husband) to your wedding though.

It’s 6 hours away as well!

Yeah he knows he is. He’ll chill out, he doesn’t hold a grudge. I think it was a knee jerk reaction on his part!

I had 40 people at my wedding due to covid restrictions and invited everyone's partners. I think it's rude not to.

Wow just wow your friend has chosen you as a guest and your partner wants to make it about him. What's the big deal, it's a small wedding. Doesn't your partner get out much? Is he socially awkward - does he understand that you are individuals who have your individual social network. And why would you let him dictate whether your friend should attend your wedding? Surely that's your decision.

If you can't enjoy it without him, don't go it's an invite not a summons and free the space for someone that will appreciate their special moment.

What special moment is that exactly? Declaring that from this day forward they are husband and wife, forever joined in body and soul? You don’t see the irony in not inviting friends husbands to their wedding?

If he was socially awkward he wouldn’t want to go would he. We’ve been together a long time and he’s spent years building a friendship with my friend as well so he just feels a bit put out.

No you're missing the point. It's not about the guests, they are sharing in an occasion.

It is extremely odd not to invite partners to a celebration of love and partnership.

Your dp is right to feel snubbed, as he considered them friends. Even if he hadn't known them well, it's still weird not to invite partners.

Their wedding, their rules. I wouldn't go given that dp's annoyance seems justified. I think him crossing them off your wedding list seems sensible, too.

Doesn't understand/ appreciate social etiquette as generally people are happy for other people's celebrations.