Best friend has said no partners to weddings

[EJT91]

one of my best / oldest friends got engaged recently and has invited me and my other oldest friend to the wedding. The only thing is, they’ve said no partners, because they’re only inviting 40 people. I found it a bit odd but didn’t think too much into it. My partner on the other hand is livid. He said it’s rude to do that and that my friend now won’t be welcome at our wedding when we eventually book it! I don’t know what to do. To be honest, I actually don’t really want to go without him. I genuinely enjoy his company and know we’d have a nice time, but equally I’d like to see my friend get married. It’s just really upset me that he’s said my friend wouldn’t be welcome at our wedding, but at the same time I get it? I just wondered what peoples opinions are on things like this!

I agree with that. If a relationship is built between friends all should be invited. Leaving somebody out who you’ve grown to know is just silly.

Your fella has been snubbed by someone he considered a friend. It's incredibly rude, and hurtful. He has every right to be pissed off.

Glad to hear though that he won't hold a grudge - but it could change the chemistry of the friendship in future.

Your groom friend has miscalculated.

I think the point is she sees them as friends in his own right, not just friend of the OP after all these years, he's hurt they only consider him as the OP's partner, not a friend in his own right.

i think its more nuanced, i think they probably do consider him a friend, but that it would be awkward to invite him & not other friends partners

Glad to hear though that he won't hold a grudge

You mean apart from refusing to have OP’s friend at his (apparently not their) wedding?

There is no evidence he means that, and it’s perfectly natural to say things like that and blow off steam to just your wife when you’re hurt!

I'd much prefer to be invited to a wedding where lots of my friends were guests without DH. Over the years he has dutifully attended numerous weddings where my cousins sons etc.etc. have been getting married, he has never met them, maybe met my cousins a couple of times and doesn't really enjoy it. I always think events with groups of friends are better without partners.

1. its your friends wedding, so it’s her choice.
2. you are grown ups who are allowed to do things as individuals.
3. your partner is being childish.
4. your partner is a red flag. A) his anger is unreasonable b) who you choose to invite to your wedding as your guest, should not be dictated by him.

i would really think hard about whether he is a good choice, as a husband.

Dd1 got married during covid and having already sent invitations out for their original wedding date (which had to be cancelled) she had to adjust the numbers from 50 to the 30 permitted. She did this by only having partners of close family eg bil but not those of friends. I think for small weddings it is understandable.

I had 185 people at mine and only family were allowed a plus one. If she can only invite 40 people including her partner’s family and friends you should count yourself lucky that you made the cut.

Yeah, it’s weird

You'll see when you book your own wedding that weddings are eye-wateringly expensive and guest numbers can easily spiral out of control if not managed. If you think you're having a small party, for example (lets say he has 20 friends, and you have 20 friends), and then you let them all bring a plus 1, that's immediately an 80 person wedding (which is average and likely to cost around ~15k, minimum). On top of that, half of those invites could well be towards people who are complete strangers to you whilst bumping up the cost.

It's most likely not a slight on your partner. It's more likely that they have had to take a party line on friends' partners for economic reasons. I honestly wouldn't be inclined to take offense, but if he's truly that hurt, maybe speak to the couple and see if they'd be open to making an exception.

After your updates I think he has every right to be hurt and offended. Not inviting plus ones who you have never met (as in your work colleague) is one thing. Inviting half of an established couple that you have socialised with etc for years is pretty unkind, and sends a very clear message that they are only friendly because he is your OH, not because they are actual friends.
(Side note, it is amusing how many posters have automatically assumed that your friend MUST be a bride. Does no-one have friends of the opposite sex??)

Could you still travel together and have a weekend away. You go and show your face at the ceremony then skip the reception and go spend time with your dh and kids? Would mean you weren't making a pointed refusal but not spending hours at an event you only know one person at.
Although, I'd be tempted to just decline the invite, going alone to an overnight wedding sounds pretty sucky, not like its the church down the road.
And realistically, how much effect is this going to have on your friendship going forward? Will you shrug it off and carry in as normal or be inclined to stop socialising with him as a couple?

Trying to put a more positive spin on it- how well do you know the other groom? Maybe the suggestion has come from his side and he has mostly single friends so doesn't appreciate the impact🤷‍♀️.
Will be incredibly awkward if you get there and there ARE others with their spouses there.

I think it's not rude at all. At such a small affair, they want to invite those closest to them. I think it's more a red flag on your partners behalf that he has issue with it. Your friend, not his. I'm sure for the sake of your friend you can go a day without him. Pull on your big girl pants and show the love to your friend she deserves.

Yeah, weddings are expensive, but the irony of saying 'we're having an elaborate celebration of our special union that joins us in a unique way as a couple and social unit, please travel for hours to come' but also 'sorry, no room at the table for your own spouse but just because you're married doesn't make him special, does it?' is off the charts.

Your partner is behaving exceptionally childish.

I wouldn't go to a wedding if my husband and child weren't invited. I just don't think weddings are that much fun unless I'm with my family.

your best friend, support

All of the best weddings I was at it was just the friends all together, no partners! Think it’s a great idea- you kind of want your own partner there, but it’s a different dynamic with others, especially ones you don’t know well!

If they can't afford a big wedding so are having a small one, by the time they've factored in their immediate families there may not be much left to reach a capacity of 40 people. In that scenario the only way to have the closest friends there would be to say no partners.

In your DP's shoes I'd feel disappointed but not angry.

I don't really know about wedding etiquette but as someone that was single for years I always found it really stressful going to weddings on my own. I find driving and parking really difficult at the best of times and would have loved to have had a partner there to make things easier. Eg they drive and park and I would drive us home the next day. So it's nicer to have partners (for those people lucky enough to have partners) but if they can't afford it then they can't afford it.
Now I have a bf (finally) but I wouldn't it go to a friends wedding if he wasn't invited. I would really prefer it if he was but if he wasn't I would still go.

Your p is being selfish and short-sighted. 40 people is a small wedding, so no wonder the couple only want their best friends.

And you are asking people to pay for flights and a hotel for a destination wedding?! That's your decision too, but I bet you'll have fewer guests than you thought because of it. How many people can afford to travel for a wedding?

And these things should not be equalised. You might have the budget for a 200-person wedding; they may not, or they may prefer a much smaller wedding.

I find not inviting partners odd.

But i have more issues with your DP reaction tbh
My partner on the other hand is livid. He said it’s rude to do that and that my friend now won’t be welcome at our wedding when we eventually book it!
Because it’s not HIS wedding. It’s YOUR wedding together afd choice of who will come or not should be done together.
And I personally dint like the tit fur tat attitude. It reminds me too much of a primary school playgroup.
’You didn’t invite me to your birthday so I’m not inviting you to mine. 😝😝’

If she's on a budget I see her point weddings are so expensive personally to avoid this sort of thing me and dp are only doing a very intimate wedding me him and witnesses not that we have witnesses yet but next year we will plan

Ive been married over a decade. If a friend doesn't know my husband well enough by now to invite us both to the wedding, they aren't that great a friend