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Original poster

Two unaffordable weddings whilst on maternity leave - help!

104 replies

AJC1995 · 08/08/2024 22:12

Next June I have two of the biggest weddings of my life (aside from my own) - my best friend’s and my brother’s. I am MOH for my friend and a bridesmaid for my SIL to be. My brother is getting married in Canada as his future wife is Canadian and my best friend is getting married near her home town about 3 hours away from me. This June I gave birth to our first child so I will still be on maternity leave next year, and not getting paid by that point, for the weddings next year.

The baby was conceived before either my brother or friend were even engaged so their weddings were not a consideration to us. Particularly for my brother, he is a huge commitment-phobe so we were very surprised he even proposed and they live in Bali so had no indication they would choose to get married in her home country, not his (being honest, her family are all very wealthy so we also assumed they’d factor that in when choosing location and not expect our very working class family to pay to travel/stay). We therefore had planned financially for my maternity leave but did not plan to have to go to Canada for a week (which will cost at least £2k) and on top of that attend my friends wedding and me attend her hen do. Baby is not invited to my friend’s wedding so we are also having to pay for my parents to stay nearby with baby to look after her whilst we are at the wedding as I have to be there for 2 nights, again without baby being invited (they don’t live near us now to have her at home). The hen do my friend is planning is a weekend away in the Cotswolds and will probably be at least £500 each. We are saving as much as we can but our maternity leave saving plan included the time I would be pregnant and 6 months full pay postpartum so haven’t been able to save much else to avoid going into the red whilst I’m on stat pay and not being paid.

I am in a position where, because of being on maternity leave and having a young baby, we simply do not have enough money to do it all. Obviously it is not the fault of either my brother or friend that I am in this position but I don’t know what to do. It is horrendous timing. Any advice on how to handle this? I don’t really know what advice I’m looking for, just really stressing!

OP posts:

Shibr · 09/08/2024 08:27

You don’t need to go to the hen do. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for people not to want a 1yr old child at the wedding (it’s their wedding, I hate it when people expect invitations for children and +1s they don’t even know). Can’t you just go on your own, you’ll be busy doing all the bridesmaid stuff anyway, it seems crazy to pay for your parents and husband to come when you are struggling financially.

Be honest with your brother, he might be able to help you come up with a plan.

TargetPractice11 · 09/08/2024 08:34

Your friend is being a bit ridiculous.

Absolutely skip the hen do, you can't afford it and you have a new baby.

I'd look at whether you can afford for just you and the baby to go to your brother's wedding- that's assuming you have the type of family that will help you with the baby.

Tell your brother you can't afford it- he might be able to have a relative of his wife put you up, or chip in for your flights.

If your baby isn't invited to your friends wedding, then don't go. It's getting too expensive.

And don't feel bad. If they gave half as much thought to you as you have to them, they wouldn't be expecting everyone they know to pay thousands during a COL crisis to see them get married.

mitogoshi · 09/08/2024 08:37

Skip the hen do, go to the wedding but your dh stays at the hotel (find a cheap one) not the same but needs must. Whilst abroad is expensive, she's Canadian so not a random destination wedding, make that your holiday

TargetPractice11 · 09/08/2024 08:37

And if you do go, don't get them a present. Your flight is the present.

mitogoshi · 09/08/2024 08:38

And see if you can get free accommodation in Canada with a relative/friend of his wife

Mrsjayy · 09/08/2024 08:40

IdontlikePinaColada · 08/08/2024 22:22

Prioritise your brother's wedding. Opt out of your friend's owing to finances and baby.

This if you can afford it go to your brothers wedding,

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 09/08/2024 08:45

Your brothers wedding should be the priority. Can you talk to your parents about it and maybe get help with the costs? They may well have budgeted an amount towards his wedding (had he been marrying in the uk) and your brother would rather that being spent on ensuring his closest family can be at the wedding.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 09/08/2024 08:46

For your friends wedding- I don’t understand why your parents would need to come to the wedding area to look after your baby. Your baby will be 1 by then, can you not leave your baby with your parents for the day/night at their house? You go on the morning of the wedding, stay overnight and then drive home first thing to collect your dc.

Wolfpa · 09/08/2024 08:46

There is no shame in taking a look at your finances and telling people you can’t afford something.

work out what you can afford if anything and go from there.

personally I would:
scratch the hen do it is the least important event on the schedule.

tell your brother that it is just not affordable at this stage, ask if they can set up a link so you can watch virtually. You could even make similar food to the wedding breakfast so you can celebrate in spirit.

focus on your friend either by paying for additional people to stay to look after the baby or by your DH staying at home so you can really let your hair down.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 09/08/2024 08:48

Oh and normally the last month of your Mat leave you get your holiday allowance you’ve earned paid, so you’ll get a months wage then, tends to take the edge off. (Although that normally gets split between deposits for childcare and buying new work clothes to fit post-baby body shape).

3luckystars · 09/08/2024 08:49

Go on your own to weddings ONLY and stay minimum time, that’s all you can afford. You can’t afford anything else.

Its either that or nothing so you have to make up your mind and explain there is no hen party, and no family week long trip to Canada otherwise you can’t attend your brothers wedding.

All the best x

1983Louise · 09/08/2024 08:54

You can say no, you are allowed to, just explain like you've done on here. People seem very selfish when planning a wedding and seem to think the more expensive it is, the better it'll be. Hopefully going to the pub with your mates then having your wedding reception at a local social club with become trendy again. Some of the best weddings I've been to have been in those places.

LostittoBostik · 09/08/2024 08:54

IdontlikePinaColada · 08/08/2024 22:22

Prioritise your brother's wedding. Opt out of your friend's owing to finances and baby.

I'm afraid I would do this.

If your friend really wants you to be a part of it all she'll pay for you to be there

Original poster

AJC1995 · 09/08/2024 09:01

Thanks everyone - first time posting on here and didn’t realise how many responses I’d get so quickly!

Just to clarify, my parents live several hours on the opposite side of the wedding location so as the wedding is just after the return from Canada so that ask for them to come halfway seemed reasonable. We don’t have other childcare options I’d be comfortable leaving baby with for 2 nights.

DH is not in the wedding party but is still very close friends with the B&G as we all went to school together, it’s not a case of them just being my friends. We can still of course explore the option of just me going given I am MOH but just why that’s not an immediate solution as it would be if he didn’t know them in the same way.

I completely respect the brides decision to not have children at her wedding, it’s her wedding after all and it’s not her fault that my circumstances make that a bit more difficult for me to manage.

Thanks for all your opinions on how to manage and prioritise this. You’ve certainly put it into perspective for me. The hen do in particular was something I was struggling with (whilst I am MOH she has decided where we are going, staying & the big activities and I’m just doing the other little bits) but my opinion on the current trend of hen/stag dos is for another thread! I am also still EBF so haven’t figured out how that will fit into a weekend away yet.

Ultimately I need to stop being a people pleaser and be honest with my brother and friend about where I am at and try and work it out without putting ourselves out of pocket. If that means not attending or cutting down attendance then that’s just it.

Thanks again all.

OP posts:

Plimsoll73 · 09/08/2024 09:02

Not a chance I would be going to either. You don't have to go, and with a young family I am sure there are better things you could spend your money on.

I love a wedding but not when it ends up costing me £££.

Hadalifeonce · 09/08/2024 09:02

Tell your brother you can't afford to come to his wedding.
Tell you friend you can't afford the hen do, and that you will have to come alone to her wedding.

Thursdaygirl · 09/08/2024 09:03

If your friend really wants you to be a part of it all she'll pay for you to be there

I was about to say that if your brother really wants you there, he will pay for you (as it’s in Canada). Overseas weddings are such a pain.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/08/2024 09:08

We had no money on mat leave-it was really hard! I would tell brother that you are sorry but a trip to Canada is out of the question on maternity leave money. Tell your friend that a £500 hen night is too and you can’t do that-ash her if she’d rather choose another MoH. I would also go to the wedding on my own-leave your baby with your husband and don’t pay your parents to have them.

You need to make sensible choices with finances.

Beautiful3 · 09/08/2024 09:14

I'd not go to both. You cannot afford it. You should tell them both that, you're really sorry but you're too poor to go. I can't believe how many people would rather get into debt than just tell the truth, and put themselves first. When I was on maternity leave I had a message from bil, asking for a contribution of £300 per person towards fil's birthday gift. So my husband and I would be £600 combined. I wasn't receiving any money at the time! We were shocked at how thoughtless someone could be. My husband felt embarrassed and considered doing it?! I was shocked by his reaction as it would mean living on beans on toast for a while! I messaged back saying, we're sorry but currently on maternity leave with a drastically reduced income. Bil didn't speak to us for a while, think it's because they had to contribute more?! Do what you need to do for your family. Do not feel pressured or embarrassed into accepted debt. Congratulations on your new baby.

Pinkplatter · 09/08/2024 09:15

Don’t get yourself into debt for anyone else’s wedding. You’ve got a baby on the way and your family unit needs to be your priority now. If you can’t afford to go, don’t go. You need to keep your finances secure for your child’s sake

letsjustdothis · 09/08/2024 09:17

If the family is very wealthy, have they considered multiple weddings? I have a friend who had 3 in 3 different countries to cater for everyone's families. Meant I had to travel 2 miles instead of 2000!

Thursdaygirl · 09/08/2024 09:20

Anyone who gets married overseas should realise not all guests will be able to afford it. And don’t get me started on the price of hen do’s

Shinyandnew1 · 09/08/2024 09:23

not expect our very working class family to pay to travel/stay)

That is really shitty of them to expect this! If they were nice people, they would understand a ‘so sorry, we wish you well but we won’t able to join you’

Have you spoken to other family members? Are others not going? Maybe if most of the groom’s family don’t go, they’ll have a party over here next year instead.

We just didn’t have that sort of money on maternity leave. Do you? Where would you get £2000+.

Toooldforlonghair · 09/08/2024 09:26

Could your brother live stream the wedding? We did this for DDs wedding for family in NZ Meant them getting up at 3am their time but they all watched and sent messages immediately after. Not ideal but the next best thing if you can't go.

Chipsahoy · 09/08/2024 09:33

I wouldn’t go to either. The idea of my family taking a financial hit so people can get married.. hell no. Don’t care if it’s best friend or brother. If they are the sort of people you want in your life, they will understand that you aren’t able to attend

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