Two unaffordable weddings whilst on maternity leave - help!

[AJC1995]

Next June I have two of the biggest weddings of my life (aside from my own) - my best friend’s and my brother’s. I am MOH for my friend and a bridesmaid for my SIL to be. My brother is getting married in Canada as his future wife is Canadian and my best friend is getting married near her home town about 3 hours away from me. This June I gave birth to our first child so I will still be on maternity leave next year, and not getting paid by that point, for the weddings next year.

The baby was conceived before either my brother or friend were even engaged so their weddings were not a consideration to us. Particularly for my brother, he is a huge commitment-phobe so we were very surprised he even proposed and they live in Bali so had no indication they would choose to get married in her home country, not his (being honest, her family are all very wealthy so we also assumed they’d factor that in when choosing location and not expect our very working class family to pay to travel/stay). We therefore had planned financially for my maternity leave but did not plan to have to go to Canada for a week (which will cost at least £2k) and on top of that attend my friends wedding and me attend her hen do. Baby is not invited to my friend’s wedding so we are also having to pay for my parents to stay nearby with baby to look after her whilst we are at the wedding as I have to be there for 2 nights, again without baby being invited (they don’t live near us now to have her at home). The hen do my friend is planning is a weekend away in the Cotswolds and will probably be at least £500 each. We are saving as much as we can but our maternity leave saving plan included the time I would be pregnant and 6 months full pay postpartum so haven’t been able to save much else to avoid going into the red whilst I’m on stat pay and not being paid.

I am in a position where, because of being on maternity leave and having a young baby, we simply do not have enough money to do it all. Obviously it is not the fault of either my brother or friend that I am in this position but I don’t know what to do. It is horrendous timing. Any advice on how to handle this? I don’t really know what advice I’m looking for, just really stressing!

Tell your friend you really want to come, but the baby will have to be invited (you and your husband will juggle care and take it out if it cries)

No you decline the invitation. You can't say to anyone you have to invite my baby. There's no good taking it out if it cries as a disturbance has already been caused.

I'd go to brothers wedding on my own. But stay in a room /suite with my parents. )yes even as an adult) to save costs.

Friends wedding, I'd go on own for 1 night. Share with another bridesmaid? They can't make you stay the night before.

Don't go to the hen do as it's an unnecessary expense. People have the right to have child free weddings, but they shouldn't be surprised if guests (including the wedding party) can't come if they have babies or young children. Just go to your brother's wedding.

Decline the hen do.
One night at your friends wedding (alone) - baby can stay with Dad at home.

Properly cost up Canada and if you can’t afford it, don’t go.

Dont feel guilty! You can only do what you can afford.

I see the stress and guilt you are describing on so many posts about weddings. People worry so much about disappointing people they love but surely that depth of feeling should go both ways. And while they will be disappointed if you can’t attend in person (there’s always video links) if they genuinely care about you they wouldn’t want you to be stressed and definitely shouldn’t want you to go into debt for their wedding.

People are well within their rights to have a child-free wedding or a destination wedding, but they can’t be pissed off when people can’t attend.

Do you have what will probably amount to at least £3000 spare-with two weddings, clothes, fights, travel insurance, gifts, hotels, money for your parents etc etc to pay for?

You are EBF now but realistically do you think you still will be in a years time? (Particularly as you are planning a return to work). So take that out of the equation.

i do think going to your brothers wedding alone, just for 3/4 days might be the best option.

as your friends wedding is childfree, and she wants an expensive hen, I think I’d pull out of being MOH. (I paid for my MOHs hotel room, we also paid for the best man’s room, isn’t this normal anymore?!)

I'd prioritise you DB wedding as he is family.

You friend is being ridiculous expecting people to fork out that much money and time. I wouldn't go for that. At best I'd go for one night and leave baby at home with DH.

Some B&Gs have absurd and entitled expectations these days.

Or do this. Very sensible suggestions

Can you do KIT days in April and May? Though March might be a better option as you likely won't pay any tax then. Try and book them in now with employer.

Go on your own to both weddings and skip the hen do.

Working during maternity leave just to travel to Canada without your husband or baby sounds rubbish

Carve out a realistic budget for these weddings.

The most expensive is your brothers. Be realistic, can you afford to go?

Skip the hen for your friends. Arrange a meal or spa just the two of you.

Re the baby consider you dh not going or look at just going for day and driving back.

Look at ways you can cut corners, outfit off Vinted, or better still something you own.

It's not their fault your circumstances have changed but equally they need to be aware they have

£500 hen? No way. Wedding abroad? Have fun. I wouldn't ruin our finances to take part.

The UK wedding let dad look after baby.

I do think for your brothers wedding it would be worth talking to your parents about it and being honest about the crunch on your finances- they might not have realised how much you are struggling if say, he’d married a year before/after you’d have been easily able to afford it.

Your parents might be happy to help you out, possibly with flights or renting a slightly larger property so you don’t have accommodation costs etc.

It is a pity but always understandable when a couple get married where they are not from the same country that one side or other will end up having to travel if they want to go. Brothers wedding should be the priority.

I think as MOH you could definitely talk to your friend about her hen party ideas. We’re in a cost of living crisis, and this stage of your lives so many of you are try to save money for weddings, buying a house, having children, doing your bathroom, having a family holiday etc. The expectations for weddings are also getting so much higher. This year I’ve had six weddings all to travel to, which if I’d gone to all the hen do’s as well would have been impossible.

It might be a good idea to talk to your friend about some other options as there are probably other hens in a similar financial situation to you. Or maybe you could go for afternoon tea locally with her to do something for her hen do if you can’t make it.

I would also discuss bringing the baby to the wedding if possible, although it’s a child free wedding this would reduce a huge amount of cost for you and ultimately make it more achievable for you to go. If your DP can sit near the back of the ceremony and go out if baby makes a noise this should help reassure her.

I'd speak to your friend and let her know that, due to both having the baby to look after, and also the fact you are on maternity leave (so financially) you are no longer able to be MoH. Nor ill you be able to come to the hen do.

So, immediately, you've saved yourself £500+ on the hen do, and one of the night staying at the hotel for you, and also your parents. (You wouldn't need to be there the night before).

Then decide how important it is to be at your brother's wedding. For me, it would be extremely important - even more so if he lives on the other side of the world and I didn't get to see him as often as I'd like.

Obviously none of us know what your budget is like normally (when not on maternity leave, and how difficult it would be to pay back a loan / credit card if you took one out. Nor do we know what your parents' finances are like. If I were your parents, I would give you some money towards making sure you can get to your brother's wedding.

Credit cards offer interest free deals - would that help ?

Not so ridiculous to suggest going back to work a month earlier. I personally would choose to do that rather than go into debt. This isn't some random friend who has chosen a destination wedding - this is your brother. He is getting married in his wife's home, which is normal and typical. It is a once in a lifetime event (hopefully) and one I would explore every which way, to make sure I got there.

Agree completely, prioritise your brothers wedding. I can’t believe there are people on here suggesting that you shouldn’t make every effort to go.

I can’t believe there are people on here suggesting that you shouldn’t make every effort to go

Maybe because the OP posted - We therefore had planned financially for my maternity leave but did not plan to have to go to Canada for a week (which will cost at least £2k which she doesn't have.

Quite simply do what you can afford and don’t do anything that you can’t. Then tell people you can’t afford what they want.

I think @friendlycat has the best answer.

If you're close enough to be invited to someone's wedding, you're close enough to be honest and say you can't afford it all so some bits will have to go

And I agree with this. What is it about MN posters that they feel unable to admit that they ca't afford something? It isn't shameful to not be able to splash the cash.

Ultimately I need to stop being a people pleaser and be honest with my brother and friend about where I am at and try and work it out without putting ourselves out of pocket. If that means not attending or cutting down attendance then that’s just it.

Yes @AJC1995 you do what is right for you. Your friend knew that you were having a baby when she planned her wedding, and she clearly didn't take any of the logistics into account.

From what I have read on MN being MOH is somewhat of a poisoned chalice anyway.

Agree completely, prioritise your brothers wedding. I can’t believe there are people on here suggesting that you shouldn’t make every effort to go.

She can't afford it. It's ridiculous to stretch yourself just for someone else's wedding. It's an invite, not a summons.

I definitely wouldn’t waste money going to anyone’s wedding if money was tight. That’s plain silly. When it comes down to it, it’s daft to jeopardise your financial situation to attend a fancy party. They’ll get over it.

Some of us feel that a wedding is much more than "a fancy party".
For us, it is a major life event. One occasion where I would move heaven and earth for a sibling. This isn't a colleague or a neighbour. It is a brother.

It is for the people getting married. It really isn’t for guests. I haven’t given a fuck about anyone’s marriage but my own.

We chose a wedding abroad and my brother and FIL both could not afford to travel. Therefore we paid for them both to come. Would your DB offer that as a solution if you spike to him about your concern over cost?

She might be your "best friend" but she is taking the absolute piss. You're MOH but you can't take your baby, and she expects everyone to shell out £500 for her hen do?! Er no thanks. Definitely skip the hen do. And go to the wedding by yourself, unless there is some way of making the logistics of childcare reasonably affordable.

OTOH, I do think you should suck up the cost of the wedding in Canada. It's not a destination wedding if his fiancée is Canadian, and it's your brother so you really can't miss it.

I do find it a bit strange that so many people take a full year of maternity leave if they can't afford it. Usually maternity pay is for 39 weeks maximum so if it's going to be a stretch financially why not just go back after 9 months rather than 12, and save yourself the stress?! It's not as if those 3 months make a huge difference. And you can always use annual leave (which you accrue during maternity leave) to extend your time off while being on full pay.

I'm not saying you should reduce your maternity leave just because of the weddings, more wondering why a year has become such a strong expectation even though the last 3 months are unpaid.

This.