Two unaffordable weddings whilst on maternity leave - help!

[AJC1995]

Next June I have two of the biggest weddings of my life (aside from my own) - my best friend’s and my brother’s. I am MOH for my friend and a bridesmaid for my SIL to be. My brother is getting married in Canada as his future wife is Canadian and my best friend is getting married near her home town about 3 hours away from me. This June I gave birth to our first child so I will still be on maternity leave next year, and not getting paid by that point, for the weddings next year.

The baby was conceived before either my brother or friend were even engaged so their weddings were not a consideration to us. Particularly for my brother, he is a huge commitment-phobe so we were very surprised he even proposed and they live in Bali so had no indication they would choose to get married in her home country, not his (being honest, her family are all very wealthy so we also assumed they’d factor that in when choosing location and not expect our very working class family to pay to travel/stay). We therefore had planned financially for my maternity leave but did not plan to have to go to Canada for a week (which will cost at least £2k) and on top of that attend my friends wedding and me attend her hen do. Baby is not invited to my friend’s wedding so we are also having to pay for my parents to stay nearby with baby to look after her whilst we are at the wedding as I have to be there for 2 nights, again without baby being invited (they don’t live near us now to have her at home). The hen do my friend is planning is a weekend away in the Cotswolds and will probably be at least £500 each. We are saving as much as we can but our maternity leave saving plan included the time I would be pregnant and 6 months full pay postpartum so haven’t been able to save much else to avoid going into the red whilst I’m on stat pay and not being paid.

I am in a position where, because of being on maternity leave and having a young baby, we simply do not have enough money to do it all. Obviously it is not the fault of either my brother or friend that I am in this position but I don’t know what to do. It is horrendous timing. Any advice on how to handle this? I don’t really know what advice I’m looking for, just really stressing!

If you're close enough to be invited to someone's wedding, you're close enough to be honest and say you can't afford it all so some bits will have to go

Sack off the hen do and maybe just you go to your friends wedding for example.

Bit more tricky for the destination wedding but again, do what you can in your budget and don't feel bad about it.

If you don't have the money then you just don't go. Work out if you can afford one of them. A £500 hen do is ridiculous so don't go to that, she should be mindful of people's budgets when arranging.

I don't understand why you feel you 'have' to do any of this. Particularly with your friend, who hasn't even extended you the courtesy of bringing your baby. As @theduchessofspork says, just say to your friend what you've said here. You can't afford the hen do and you're not in a position to leave the baby for most of the day. She either offers a solution or you sadly decline your role as MOH.

Are you close to your brother? I'm presuming you don't see a lot of him if he lives in Bali. Would he really notice if you weren't there? Is this an opportunity to get together and something you want to throw money at, or would you rather have a cheap holiday for just you and your DH and the baby? Or go out and visit DB in Bali? No shame, at this point, in politely declining — baby, maternity leave, no money, very unfortunate, yada, yada, yada... You are under no obligation to go and a really good friend will understand his.

Immediate no to the hen do.

If I could get the costs down, I'd do a flying visit to Canada on my own for the wedding (1 or 2 days). However, I'd only do that for a very close friend. And tbh, I'd expect a very close friend to have either a) invited my baby, because they understood the logistics, or b) to have given me an out already (eg: "I know, it's going to be difficult for you to attend, but even having you there on video call supporting me would be great").

Brothers wedding, I'd go on my own. But again, I would expect your brother to have anticipated this could be a logistical/financial issue for you, and suggested some options or given you an out.

If I couldn't do both, I'd prioritise my brother's wedding over a friend's. But it depends on your relationships with them both.

Don't put yourself out or into financial difficulties for people who don't seem to have considered your (pretty obvious) needs.

I would Chat to your friend about this and tell her you cannot do a £500 hen do. If you're the MOH then she needs to decide it with you. Not for you. And you don't have to be the moh you can step down from this. You also have the option to attend the wedding without your DH, share a room with a friend if possible el, and leave him and baby at home which means you don't have to pay for your parents travel and hotel.

Your brothers wedding- I would see this as a lovely family holiday and make it work.

Ps unless you had a £500 hen do and expensive wedding that you made your friend fork out for. If you did that to her you should give the same back.

Say no to the hem do. You cannot leave the baby. Same for the friends wedding. It doesnt work for uou to leave the baby for two days.

focus on getting to your brothers wedding, even if that is just you and the baby.

Just stay home with your baby.

Sorted.

Op lots of posts saying "oh perfect excuse to not go", "just refuse" etc but what do you actually WANT?

I'd have been gutted to miss any of them, in which case you need a plan other than laughing and declaring you're happy to not go.

I'd talk to your brother and ask about costs. Can he help with accomodation? How well off are your parents? Could they help out financially as a loan? How would you feel about going alone with baby?

Can you attend part of the hen do Vs all? Can you offer to organise a second one at home?

Have you looked at Airbnb houses for the wedding - two bed house might be cheaper and easier on your parents than two hotel rooms.

If you can afford to pay it off,can you get a zero % credit card?

Any side hustle you can do on maternity leave?

If you c at afford it all then you can’t. The hen do is the easy opt out and be honest. If she causes a fuss and is a PITA about it then you have the answer as to just how good your friendship is.

Also how long have you known this friend?

I can't believe anyone expects other people to spend 500 quid on their hen do.

I think I'd have a chat with my friend and explain I'm not getting paid on mat leave. I'd go to the hen party leaving baby with DH unless breast feeding then I'd opt out. I'd go to her wedding but DH would stay home with the baby. That would save paying for your parents room. I'd explain the same to my brother and tell him I'd really love to go to his wedding but have cash flow problems due to mat leave being unpaid and can't afford both the air fares and accommodation in Canada. Can your brother pay for either accommodation or air fares and you pay him back once back at work?

Just an idea could you do any kelp I touch days at work when you get to zero pay. If you can balance some childcare 10 days pay may just help you financially afford this as an option. If not then it’s a case of being honest with everyone. Good luck!

Ideally yes but only if she can afford it. She shouldn't be going into credit card debt while on low maternity pay for her brother's wedding.

If it were me I would firstly assess what stuff I own that I don’t need and sell it if worth anything. I would look at budgeting and reducing costs, and would make sure I have cashback app and loyalty cards for everything to have passive income for essentials.

Then I would realistically look at the total cost, see what’s doable and ways of cutting costs (staying with a relative/friend of the bride rather than hotel or asking your brother to help with accomodation costs).

You are talking in the region of £3k total spend.

I would discuss with husband and divide the cost of it between you on two separate credit cards with 0% interest £1500 each for 24 months, when you are working again that is £100 each pay back each month from both of you for 15 months.

You’ll have a 1-2 year old so will be going nowhere anyway. Cut day trips, holidays, clothes spend etc for a year and you have your money.

Life is too short. It’s your brother and best friends weddings. Enjoy the experiences life gives you and make it work, it’s not insurmountable.

I will be appalled if my sister or friend had to return to work earlier than planned just so she can afford to come to my wedding. Then again I would also be considerate when planning a wedding especially if it's important to me that my sister and friend attend.

Agree with @caringcarer

your DH doesn’t need to go to best friends wedding with baby being excluded. Fine to go just you as you’ll be top table anyway.

and ask brother for help.

It's fine to not go.
I didn't make my brother's wedding because I had an exam that day. I am still really close to him and his wife

Anyone decent understands that people can't always afford overseas travel

If it's just because you're on unpaid leave, I assume if it had happened when you work you could afford it? In which case can you borrow the money of family or friends?

Tell your friend that you can't afford to go on the hen do as you have a baby and aren't working right now. Even If you weren't on maternity leave, £500 is a ridiculous amount to pay to attend a hen do. If she's truly your best friend then she'd understand. I also wouldn't go to her wedding if my young baby wasn't invited. It's shitty when people say no to babies attending.

I think you should go to your brother's wedding though. Could your parents help towards flight or accommodation costs?

TBH I can understand why people don’t invite babies to weddings. I am sure we have all witnessed occasions when a baby should have been taken out the church/reception/speeches, but wasn’t. And if you let one person bring a child, then you open the flood gates to your other guests’ children. That said, this may cut down on the people who can attend your wedding, but I do see a bride/groom POV on this

Yes and they can invite or not invite whoever they like, but then they have to understand that some people won't be able to come.

I would not go on the hen do. I’d then also go to friends wedding alone. I’d make it work for brothers wedding.

You need to balance what you want and what you can afford, and not worry about what you “should” do. You have to make a lot more compromises once you have kids!

A £500 hen do is a big ask, personally I’d just say no to that immediately.

You could have DH stay home with the baby for the friend’s wedding. If you do that and skip the hen do, you’re probably a fair way towards being able to afford going to Canada. The only saving grace there is that travelling with an infant is a lot cheaper than once you have to buy their own seat!

go On your own to friends wedding
give apologies to your DB that you can’t afford to go to his wedding

ive not been to several weddings over the years including family if finances were an issue or taking time off work…..it’s someone else’s big day, not yours…..great if it works for you to share the day……but no big deal if you dont