Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

[Laceandfrills]

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

Personally I think it's a bit weird you've got to the marrying stage without knowing his kid. That seems so strange to me. Does he not see his child? That would be red flag to me.

For someone who doesn't want to get married you seem a bit bridezilla. Include his child, it's a small act that will make a big difference.

Of course you should have her as your bridesmaid. Even if she doesn't come/isn't allowed it is important that you offer. Getting pissy about spending cash on a dress is ridiculous. She's a kid, just buy the bloody dress and if she doesn't come, send it to her anyway.

I also don't think you can pretend her ASC/ADHD isn't the issue when it very clearly is.

I don't think the wedding is the main issue here though. This child isn't a part of her dads life, doesn't know his fiancée or step sisters. Who is responsible for that?
Who moved away?
Why isn't he trying to see her more?
Has he gone to court?

That's what the focus should be. I wouldn't be marrying a man who doesn't have a proper relationship with his kid and I wouldn't marry someone who didn't know mine.

This poor child seems like she isn't anyone's priority.

unbelievable.

‘for me it’s a special moment for my DDs’

No. It should be a special moment for you and your DF. And your children. Yours AND his. But you don’t even want to marry him. Your priority seems to be a ‘special moment’ for you and your DDs. A wedding should be a happy, special moment all round but quite honestly, this all makes for pretty sad reading.

I think your boyfriend should concentrate more on getting proper court ordered visitation with his daughter before planning a wedding.

If you are not a fan of child bridesmaids then why are you having your dd's as bridesmaids?

I don't understand why your side of the family has to look after his daughter? Why can't your interfering future Mother-in-Law look after her own grandchild for the morning?

Because they are not children.

She has already said that they are 16 and 18.

Her dds are adults!

It is so odd to me that you think a marriage is just about you and what you want rather than about a joining of two lives and about two people commiting to each other. This marriage is pretty much doomed to fail. But hey, maybe you will get a party out of it without that awful annoying brat of a kid your DH calls his daughter for some unfathomable reason before you split.

It’s so unbelievably cruel, things like this shape a person and have lasting impacts! There’re two people getting married,both have an equal say.

I hope this isn't real.

Please don't get pregnant by this man op if it is. He's no father and you'll end up in the same position as his previous wife.

As an aside, I couldn't fathom marrying a man with a young child that I'd only met a handful of times. Really odd.

Surely every bride is allowed to enjoy her day even if a big wedding isn’t important to them?

Oh come on, you have teenage daughters, so you're too old to genuinely believe in the "it's my special day and to hell with everyone else" nonsense, especially the dismissal of the feelings of his young daughter. Your attention should be on the future of your marriage, not merely on your wedding day, but you're clearly failing to think about long-term consequences.

Anyway, go ahead and tell your DP your plans, and allow him to see who he's really marrying. It'll be quite amazing if the wedding actually goes ahead.

This is seriously unkind and bound to cause trouble. Just behave - which one of you is the child again?

That’s actually heartbreaking @Lostatsea10 . You sound like a pretty amazing person though to go and support your dad anyway.

op please listen to this advice. If the wedding itself means not much to you then why are you set against giving your future step daughter a small role? Why can’t she be a flower girl?

The whole wedding sounds strange with a controlling fiancé and in laws but look at it from the other perspective, if your fiancé was really against your dds having any part of your day, would you really want to marry him? No you’d be angry and hurt with him.

He could easily be doing far more for his child and this would be a nice way of starting a new relationship with her. Whatever happens, she is soon going to be your family. If something happened to her mother then she’d most likely move in with you.

Has DF gone to court for his DD? Fought to see her and fought for her well-being - to get her assessed?

Why is he not standing up to his mother, too?

You say he’s organised the whole thing so presumably he thinks DSD will be a bridesmaid and is planning accordingly. But have you discussed the realities of her care in the day?

It’s her father’s wedding, of course she should be bridesmaid. You sound like a fucking nightmare, who would be this cruel to a 7 year old child?

I can’t believe excluding your df’s daughter from the wedding has even entered your head tbh.

This. Nutshell. Right here.

OP, give your head a wobble. This is a chance to show your DSD, your MIL, the Ex - that you are in control here and the decisions you make are for the sake of you all, including your little DSD. You'd be so loving and gracious to include this little girls and, you'll be sending her a very clear message. She is wanted,
She is family.

If you cannot do this with an open and honest heart, then this won't work.

• why aren't his parents looking after her on the day?
• why have you allowed almost every other element, especially the ones that only impact you to be decided elsewhere but chosen this hill to die on?
• if its only a "couple of minutes down the aisle" how can it also be such a special moment for you and your daughters?
• why is your fiancé not pushing for more access, through courts if necessary?

From your timeline, and assuming you allowed any semblance of a sensible period between dating this man and introducing him to your daughters it sounds as though he likely left his ex with very young child, and then has had next to nothing to do with supporting her SEN needs.

Both you and your fiancé have big red flags here. I really just feel sorry for that little girl.

Don't have any bridesmaids. Instead tell everyone that your two DD's will be jointly giving you away. They can then walk up the aisle either side of you, slightly behind in its too narrow, wearing posh dresses.

Can the child be a bridegroom maid? She can still dress up, maybe hold the rings. Then your fiance has the job of holding her hand and taking her under his wing all day.

Don't know why your parents have to get involved with looking after her, why can't his mother and rest of his extensive side of the family look after her if required?

You sound like you all deserve each other.
I hope the 7 year old gets a nice step dad.