Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

396 replies

Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 16:54

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

OP posts:
LylaLee · 26/10/2023 18:46

MeridianB · 26/10/2023 18:38

Has DF gone to court for his DD? Fought to see her and fought for her well-being - to get her assessed?

Why is he not standing up to his mother, too?

You say he’s organised the whole thing so presumably he thinks DSD will be a bridesmaid and is planning accordingly. But have you discussed the realities of her care in the day?

This. Short of being on the sex offenders register, a parent who asks for more access will get it. But so many deadbeat dad's don't want the responsibility, and just say 'waahh, my ex won't let me!'

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/10/2023 18:46

It's a Register Office wedding so it doesn't have to be a traditional role. Just get the child a nice dress or whatever she wants to wear and she can stand with the groom, with the bridesmaids or with her grandmother (who should be the one to look after her as she knows her).

OR

Don't get married because it sounds like a complete shit show.

Iwantthistobemyyear · 26/10/2023 18:46

Tbh it sounds like a horrible controlling situation all around and you're trying to get some power back by saying you don't want the little girl as a bridesmaid. Projecting the true issue onto a child. She's just a little girl and created no part of this controlling family of hers- on both sides it seems. Maybe take some control back from him and his family in general and then you wont feel so strongly about his daughter having a prominent role.

Sallyh87 · 26/10/2023 18:46

Have none or have all. Obviously.

Moveoverdarlin · 26/10/2023 18:46

Takes a special sort of person to exclude a little girl from a wedding. I have a daughter a similar age and she’d love to wear a pretty dress, have nice new shoes and be involved.

But you don’t sound arsed either way, very odd that your DF has even sorted your dress.

Catpuss66 · 26/10/2023 18:47

‘I’d like some say in my own wedding’………but it’s not just your wedding. You would rather risk the relationship between a daughter & father to get your own way. Not sure you are a very nice person, there was a post on here recently where a step mom was not invited to wedding of step daughter/son. This will be you in a couple of years. Might want to think on that.

TimetoPour · 26/10/2023 18:48

BrideToBe2313123 · 26/10/2023 17:47

'Bloody wicked'? You're so wrong, not to mention if this is 'evil' your must have had a charmed life... there are worse things. Read the OP's latest update!
He has chosen your dress OP? How controlling.
Seriously this wedding is going to end in tears. The red flags keep piling up.

Edited
Show quote history

The OP’s most recent post, that you quite rightly suggested I hadn’t read, came in the time it took me to post my message. However, it makes absolutely no difference to what I have said.

The OP is allowing her (not so darling) partner to choose EVERYTHING, the dress, date, venue etc but the thing she is willing to put her foot down on is having the 7 year old SD as a bridesmaid. It’s not the child’s fault her father is a controlling prick.

Given the update, I think the OP should make a run for the hills. However, if she chooses to go ahead with this shit show, the last thing I would be upset about is the participation of a 7 year old girl.

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/10/2023 18:48

LylaLee · 26/10/2023 18:46

This. Short of being on the sex offenders register, a parent who asks for more access will get it. But so many deadbeat dad's don't want the responsibility, and just say 'waahh, my ex won't let me!'

Show quote history

There might well be very good reasons why the child's mother doesn't want him to see her. He might well have failed to get full access and be meeting her at a Contact Centre which is why the OP hasn't met her.

Icopewhenihope · 26/10/2023 18:48

This has to be a piss take. Nobody could be this dim and cold.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 18:48

Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 18:07

He doesn’t have 50/50 custody that was a comparison… he sees her once a month because he has to stay in a hotel near her home and we aren’t financially well off. If he brought her to surrey to sleep then her mother would stop contact so time to meet her is scarce.
She isn’t excluded from the wedding at all, she’s invited to the wedding it’s the bridesmaid situation I’m posting about. My parents don’t know her and will have to care for a child with severe ADHD that her mother refuses to medicate for. DF himself says she’s a handful. There won’t be a real aisle as it’s a registry office, no confetti etc allowed.
Yes she’s DF child and yes I do accept her, but simultaneously she isn’t my responsibility the same as my DDs aren’t DF responsibility, what goes on is between him and his ex. Surely every bride is allowed to enjoy her day even if a big wedding isn’t important to them?

Why won't DSD's grandparents look after her during the ceremony? Why won't DSD's father buy her a dress?

It sounds like the dad and family are lazy and expecting you to make up for it?

momonpurpose · 26/10/2023 18:48

It's either all 3 girls or none. Anything less will be the death of your relationship. Now I'm not saying you don't have the right to feel that way. But when you marry someone with children near or far there is a lot of having g to duck it up for the greater good

Yoohoo778611 · 26/10/2023 18:48

Our dd got married early this year and she had 9 bridesmaids so as not to leave out her partners children.
That is a family. You will alienate your fiancé's family if you don't at least ask if his daughter wants to be a bridesmaid.
Think long and hard. It's not just your day its your fiances as well.
Family will be joined together.

141mum · 26/10/2023 18:49

Jesus Christ, you are v harsh, poor DF poor kid

WhatHaveIDoneNo3 · 26/10/2023 18:50

Given the ages, make your daughters bridesmaids and her a flower girl.

You should really include your future husbands daughter in the day!

Puffypuffin · 26/10/2023 18:50

Of course you should have her as a bridesmaid too. Jeez.

LylaLee · 26/10/2023 18:50

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/10/2023 18:48

There might well be very good reasons why the child's mother doesn't want him to see her. He might well have failed to get full access and be meeting her at a Contact Centre which is why the OP hasn't met her.

Show quote history

There will be paperwork. OP should look at that. Only things like seriously domestic abuse would lead to such contact arrangements.

Sighhhhh · 26/10/2023 18:50

So so so unnecessarily selfish and hurtful

ManyATrueWord · 26/10/2023 18:50

There is traditionally a "groom's bridesmaid*
". But it doesn't sound like you should marry a man with a daughter you can't blend a family with.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 18:50

Moveoverdarlin · 26/10/2023 18:46

Takes a special sort of person to exclude a little girl from a wedding. I have a daughter a similar age and she’d love to wear a pretty dress, have nice new shoes and be involved.

But you don’t sound arsed either way, very odd that your DF has even sorted your dress.

She isn't necessarily exluded from the wedding. She could have a role as a flower girl, ring bearer or even walk her dad down the aisle.

I can see OP is reluctant to have one child bridesmaid and 2 adult bridesmaids, when she isn't even sure the ex will let DSD attend the wedding.

thermalvestwearer · 26/10/2023 18:51

Jesus.

LylaLee · 26/10/2023 18:53

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/10/2023 18:48

There might well be very good reasons why the child's mother doesn't want him to see her. He might well have failed to get full access and be meeting her at a Contact Centre which is why the OP hasn't met her.

Show quote history

Oh, and OP would certainly have been allowed to go to the contact center too. After a couple of years in a serious relationship, it's shocking OP's fiance didn't take steps for her to get to know his dd. Makes me think less of him.

Itwasamemo2 · 26/10/2023 18:53

As your daughters are so much older surely they can help supervise/ make a fuss of the 7 year old . They can hold her hand . Don’t your daughters think it is unkind to not include their stepsister?

viques · 26/10/2023 18:53

So are you just marrying yourself or is her father somehow involved? It’s not apparent from your post that he actually has any involvement in your wedding.

Hayliebells · 26/10/2023 18:56

In this situation you need to be the adult and accept that you can't have entirely what you want. That's just the deal when you enter a relationship with someone who already has children.

Workawayxx · 26/10/2023 18:56

She’s only 7, she won’t know the standard bridesmaids protocol. Just buy her a pretty dress in the wedding colours, even if she doesn’t end up going she can always wear it another time or at least know she was included. Her dad looks after her on the morning, you do traditional bridesmaid things with your DDs. Just tell her she’s a bridesmaid and gets a special dress, that’s all it takes.