Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

[Laceandfrills]

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

Jesus Christ.

Just when you think you've heard it all, this pops up.

MN never ceases to amaze or appall.

but surely as a bride I’m entitled to the wedding of my choice regardless of the circumstances

Surely every bride is allowed to enjoy her day even if a big wedding isn’t important to them?

You sound dreadful. You're not a blushing 19 year old bride. You have two almost adult daughters! Grow up. This is life not a fairy tale. You are setting your own daughters an awful example.

I mean, why are you marrying this man?

There is definitely a backstory here with his ex. Does she actually refuse to medicate her daughter - which would be her choice anyway and is NOT the same as not seeking help for her - or is that what this controlling man has told you?

Also, only allowed such a little amount of contact? Whole family seems to be controlling?

More red flags about him than a Communist Parade!

This is a massive trainwreck waiting to happen. You have claimed he doesn't know how this is ow you are feeling and you're just assuming he wants to include her.

This isn't really about his daughter, is it?

You have plenty reasons to not marry this man and i think you're using this girl as a way of getting out of it, tbh.

It's a small wedding you'll be in and out in 20mins. Let her be part of it. I could understand your concern if it was a big all singing and dancing do with 300 guests but honestly a handful of guests in a registry office is absolutely stress free.

As an aside I think it's odd he bought your dress, is he controlling or do you just have no interest in the wedding <except who the bridesmaids are>?

Forget the bridesmaids....its the groom you need to be thinking about.

Seriously.

He knows you dont want to get married but has pushed to do it anyway.
He has decided every single thing about it included the brides outfit.
His mother has her nose in everything.
His ex has weaponized their child.
His ex refuses to allow you to spend any time with DSD.

Nothing about this is good. Its a car crash.

I don't think a man who only sees his daughter once a month and whose parents cannot even be bothered to look after their own grandchild on the day are the most reliable sources of what the child likes or doesn't like.
OP#s FH himself called her 'difficult'. Yet he expects the OP's side to look after her?

Even if a child wasn't ND it must be uncomfortable being dumped with strangers. They are marrying yes but OP has met the child a handful of times. The relationship is being forced for show, and likely to end in disaster.

EXACTLY.
Forget the wedding and LTB OP.

You realise you're going to be her stepmum if you marry her dad, so she will essentially be your dd in a lot of ways. I'd start as you mean to go on and I'd mean to go on by showing that you take her role as a member of your family seriously. That you accept her even with all her issues and things that come with.

If you exclude her and treat her differently then you're a) showing her you don't value your role as her stepmum b) aren't bothered about forging a relationship with her c) giving her mum a bad impression which could affect her co parenting with your df and d) are showing her mum that you don't really want to know or care for her dd and that could be ammunition for her to stop contact if things are already strained oh and e) it could be interpreted by her as her dad not wanting her there which would be an awful thing for a child to think.

I think this is one you need to suck up and make a role for her in the wedding and if she doesn't go, then at least she'll know that she was wanted.

I think you need to think seriously about what you want op. Obviously you love df and want to marry him, but do you actually want to be a step mum and have you really considered what that will entail. You're in a position where you should be coming second to dsd. And df should be coming second to your dds. And both of you should be accepting and respectful of that as part of both of your life circumstances. To me it's just part of the package deal.

You are being unreasonable OP.

In your words, it's only a few minutes down the aisle" but it's very symbolic of your families joining.

There's no need to have her walk in between you and your DD, and surely you'd ask her if she wanted to be a bridesmaid/agree it before buying a dress, so those are non issues.

When my father married his (now) wife she had her 2 daughters as bridesmaids and her son walk her down the aisle. I sat in the ceremony as a guest. I sat at the reception through the speeches whilst everyone toasted the bridesmaids and they were given gifts. It was awful and I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I wouldn’t necessarily have wanted to be a bridesmaid but a role of some kind so I wasn’t looked at with pity by those who knew who I was to the groom and general “who the fuck are you!” faces to those who didn’t.

Perhaps it’s different because I was an adult so was more aware but I strongly urge you to find a role for her somewhere, even if it’s not as a bridesmaid. She will remember being excluded from the ceremony forever and the feelings that go along with it.

I feel very sorry for your dsd. Poor child, your behaviour is extremely unreasonable and cruel. It’s her fathers wedding. Fgs she’s 7, include her. Build a relationship with the child.

This has to be a wind up?
If you are actually being honest… it’s shocking. Maybe your DF doesn’t want your daughters there either?

There are a lot of red flags here. The crazy psycho ex keeping him away from his child (did she move away or did he?), the ADHD that she "won't" medicate for etc. I'd like to think I'd choose more nights in a hotel to see my daughter over the cost of a wedding, even a small one.... [shrug]

I mean, I don't completely blame you for not being keen as you don't know her, but as I said earlier, frankly, including his DD in your combined wedding day does feel like the bare minimum of what should happen. Make her HIS flower girl instead of yours.

I agree with this. FFS!

I suspect the ex could tell a very different story

This

As a compromise, perhaps your fiancé could have a bridesmaid. Non-standard but would mean she got to wear a pretty bridesmaids dress and support her dad, while you get your way

They’re 18 and 16 so he hasn’t raised them and if he didn’t want them included after 5 years in their life I wouldn’t stick around.

Yet you don’t want his own daughter included? His own flesh and blood? There is nothing you can say to justify your awful attitude towards this girl. You either have all 3 daughters as bridesmaids or no bridesmaids, anything else is completely shitty. You are basically saying your girls are more important than his daughter. You say how special it is to you and your girls but you’re not even bothered about a wedding? He is so it stands to reason it’s even more important to him and his daughter?

Very late to this thread but feel strongly that I want to reply. It is very very unreasonable of you to leave out a ND 7 year old for the sake of a few hours. What a way to start a marriage - utterly selfish. Marriage is about two families joining and you will be settling out to split them, not join them together. Honestly I find this distasteful in the extreme.

My own ND daughter is a flower girl in a beautiful velour jumpsuit (lovely for sensory skin types) and trainers for a friends wedding next year. She feels special, wanted, included, valued, and part of the event and is going to be unofficial photographer (with a Polaroid camera) afterwards which gives her chance to move around. Gosh knows ND kids have enough to face. That poor little girl 💔 and what an awful example your daughters. This is not OK.

Frankly, both of you sound awful so go ahead. Sounds like you’ll be well suited to each other. The only one I feel sorry for is this 7 year old child who’s dad can’t be arsed to fight for more custody and who’s future step-mother is deliberately making sure she feels excluded from the new family unit.

You know you're being awful, hence all the excuses: it's a special moment for me and my DDs but only a few mins down the aisle for DSD; her mother is controlling; my MIL is controlling; I didn't want a wedding anyway; don't want to pay for a dress she might not wear; why should my family have to look after her; she has autism and ADHD and is a handful but no I'm not saying that's influencing anything; I've never wanted child bridesmaids anyway; I only want a child-free wedding anyway; there's no confetti anyway; my DH barely sees her as it is; I barely know her; I've only met her a couple of times.

Just give it a rest. You want nothing to do with your future's husband's child, you don't like your future in-laws, and you don't even want to get married. What are you doing? Why are you going along with any of this?

More importantly, why on EARTH is this man wanting to marry you?

This too

Wow! Fingers crossed she doesn't come 😒 what a horrible way to feel about a little girl that's in this situation through no fault of her own

DF has planned the entire wedding down to my dress, date and colour theme

This is ridiculous. You don't want to get married. He's a weirdo. Just call the whole thing off.

Me and 2 siblings were left out of our own biological fathers wedding when our half siblings were bridesmaid's. We didn't even get invited. We all lived in the same area so it wasn't distance. And we were children /teens. I was a tad mad. I know she is a step child so no blood relation to you but I think she would appreciate atleast being asked. You might find she tells you no.

I was picturing a woman and just read she is 7 years old. Can't you put her in a cute dress and say she's the flower girl. She gets to throw confetti at you when you get outside.