Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Is it ok to not get a gift?

189 replies

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 19:46

I'm going to a fancy wedding as a guest. I've had to buy a new dress and shoes. I live a distance away so I have to stay over night and the hotel rooms are so pricey! Is it ok if I don't get them a gift? I could probably afford £20 but it would seem more like I'm taking the mick?

OP posts:
moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 21:24

Edthehorse · 28/08/2023 22:37

If they have asked for money towards a honeymoon fund then just give them the £20 Not sure why that is even a question tbh

Please don't buy them a (mumsnet staple wedding gift) photo frame, give them amazon vouchers or some seeds 🙄

£20 towards something they actually want is much better than something they don't want/will never use/homemade tat

Oh. I thought the frame idea was cute

OP posts:
moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 21:25

laladoodoo · 28/08/2023 22:44

It's not ok - no. If you can't afford to go with a gift, you should have rejected the invite.

I mean it said something like we want your presence not your presents but if you do want to give something we'd like a donation to our honeymoon.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 30/08/2023 01:56

Rosehiptea · 29/08/2023 10:58

But it's not about the money or gift itself. It's just about being polite, decent and showing that you want to bless the newlyweds in some way. I'm not denying that there are some people for whom £3 on a token gift wouldn't be a huge struggle, and if it means that they would actually go without food or get into debt, then obviously you wouldn't want your friend to do that! For someone in those circumstances, I'm sure the bride/groom would rather you just explain why you can't afford to bring a gift. But for the majority, a few pounds on a token gift and a 50p card from Home Bargains is an affordable and easy way of thanking them for inviting you to the event, and wishing them well.
I actually find it really depressing that my generation is so egoistic and indecent that they think it's ok to turn up to a close friend's wedding without some acknowledgement of the occasion on their part. It's basically like saying "they're lucky I even deigned to come! I'm going to enjoy their hospitality and not even do anything to wish them well in their married life. It's all on them. The fact that I even made arrangements to come here is more than they should expect".

But it seems we're just a generation of narcissists now.

I mean yeah that’s pretty much how I feel about weddings. Nobody forces anyone to have a 5-figure expensive do. I show my good wishes for their marriage by turning up, what more do they want?

frenchfancy81 · 30/08/2023 02:31

£20 gift card for John Lewis or M and S (or similar!) is absolutely fine. There are some very mean-spirited people on here and some just sound so very 'grabby'; dislike that term but some of these comments encapsulate it!

Your friends have invited you so they want you to celebrate with them. Go, take your gift, and have fun x

greenspaces4peace · 30/08/2023 02:44

you should at least send a gift the equivalent to the value of the meal.
so if it's a $50 per plate you need to find a way to gift that.

yup forgo the shoes.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2023 04:11

moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 21:25

I mean it said something like we want your presence not your presents but if you do want to give something we'd like a donation to our honeymoon.

Ok so take them at their word. I think the Euros plus picture frame is a really nice touch. It shows you’ve been thoughtful.

TeeBee · 30/08/2023 07:57

Where are they going for their honeymoon? How about a really good guide book to that destination? Or a coffee table book for the same?
Honestly though I'd much prefer no gift whatsoever and have you attend. Not sure I'd even notice who didn't bring a gift.

Parker231 · 30/08/2023 08:08

greenspaces4peace · 30/08/2023 02:44

you should at least send a gift the equivalent to the value of the meal.
so if it's a $50 per plate you need to find a way to gift that.

yup forgo the shoes.

It’s not a pay to attend event - you’re not going to be charged for your meal. You’re a guest of the bride and groom.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 30/08/2023 21:08

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 21:27

They wanted people to book up the rooms though. But yeah I should have booked a b&b I realise now

If it makes you feel better, OP, they wanted you and the other guests to book up the rooms because the venue will have some kind of agreement that they have to cover the cost of any rooms left vacant. By booking accommodation you are effectively subsidising the venue cost for them, so I wouldn’t feel too guilty about the effect on the gift budget.

One practical note - if they have asked for no ‘boxed presents’ don’t take a physical gift to the venue. Arrange for it to be sent directly to them instead (and write a note explaining this in the card). I know this sounds ungrateful but it is a pain when people bring unexpected bulky gifts which need to be stored securely and then transported home.

GR8GAL · 04/09/2023 15:23

I attended a beautiful family wedding in Italy last year. Costs us nearly 2k just to get there and for the accommodation, but was totally worth it. The bride and groom didn't expect anyone who had made the trip to offer gifts, being there was the gift. I like that rule. If you have to travel to get there, then you're the gift :)

Isthisreasonable · 11/09/2023 07:21

greenspaces4peace · 30/08/2023 02:44

you should at least send a gift the equivalent to the value of the meal.
so if it's a $50 per plate you need to find a way to gift that.

yup forgo the shoes.

If you're having to book a room at the wedding venue to help the B&G afford the event, I think you don't need to cover your plate.

dollymixtureandflyingsaucers · 11/09/2023 07:39

Some of these posts are ridiculous.

I think the OP has paid enough already. Of course dressing up is for the benefit of the bride and groom who would want one of their friends in jeans!?!

But turning up is the main point and giving £20 is fine. The whole culture of basically less well off people shouldn't attend wedding cause they can't cover the cost of their share is absolutely disgusting and defeats the entire point of being invited because surely the bride and groom actually want the person there?!?

MegaSaverMumma · 11/09/2023 07:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ariela · 11/09/2023 10:18

I say give what you can afford, whether that's a £20 note or a bottle

My best friend specifically asked guests not to bring gifts, vouchers or cash - they'd had their home a few years and didn't need anything, however they appreciated many would like to bring a gift, so if they did want to gift please could they consider something meaningful, made or memorable just for them.

They had some wonderful gifts such as handcrafted photo frame with a phot taken by the guest who is a good photographer, an elderly relative brought some items her father had known from his youth, another created a photo album of old family photos, someone else embroidered a small sampler with the wedding date, their initials etc - this is in their downstairs loo, they were given a couple of original pieces of artwork one of which was from a not unknown artist friend of the couple, a pottery vase that is now worth a tidy sum (guest's father was the designer and has since died), my friends' aunt, who is not well off but a good gardener had created this lovely small planter of plants - the planter is still planted the same way on my friend's doorstep, and her favourite is a pretty cream jug that her mother (who had sadly only d. the year before) had used while lodging with the family when evacuated during the war.

I know they far prefer these gifts to the few items they were given that were not personal to the guests & which included the obligatory toaster (that barely lasted a few months).

Is there anything you could create for them that is unique, memorable and not expensive as an alternative?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page