Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

Is it ok to not get a gift?

189 replies

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 19:46

I'm going to a fancy wedding as a guest. I've had to buy a new dress and shoes. I live a distance away so I have to stay over night and the hotel rooms are so pricey! Is it ok if I don't get them a gift? I could probably afford £20 but it would seem more like I'm taking the mick?

OP posts:
continentallentil · 28/08/2023 23:39

SparkyBlue · 28/08/2023 23:33

Yes you do need to give a present but it absolutely doesn't need to be given on the day so just give it in a few weeks/months down the line. Please don't give a photo frame or some of the things suggested that will only end up unused. And take no notice of those who say you shouldn't have bought a new outfit. I hope you look great and have a lovely day.
Im actually giggling at the pot plant suggestion as im in Ireland so normally at least €150 cash as a gift

The OP isn’t in Ireland as far as I can tell.

You don’t need to give anything near £150 in the UK and yes a photo frame is fine. Mostly there’s a list and in reality the money out against it just gets allocated to what the couple really want at the end.

Mystro202 · 29/08/2023 03:33

user76541055773 · 28/08/2023 23:31

Yes I think this is true. I got married 18 years ago, and at that time it was the bride and groom that covered the guests costs (probably differs regionally too). We paid for guests accommodation, meals and all drinks at the wedding, transportation on the day of the wedding etc. In fact we only really finished paying it all off a couple of years ago.

It was pretty much regarded as a “rule of thumb” that as a guest you provided a gift that was about the same value as the costs that had been covered on your behalf. It would have been seen as bad manners to cost your hosts so much without showing some token of appreciation.

I guess now it is the other way around though, and guests are expected to pay huge amounts just to attend, so of course they shouldn’t also fork out for a gift.

I guess it evens out in the end. You either pay £20k (or whatever) to cover the costs of your guests, or you pay £1k each time you attend as a guest, for 20 different weddings.

Show quote history

100% this!! You should at least cover the cost of your meal. I'm in Ireland though and people are extremely generous, probably overly so.

Notamum12345577 · 29/08/2023 03:38

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 21:56

Thank you. I wasn't sure if £20 was so little that it would almost be more insulting than nothing

Show quote history

I think £20 is probably what we as a couple would spend for a wedding present! Maybe a bit more if they were close family etc.

Blondebutnotlegally · 29/08/2023 06:41

Rosehiptea · 28/08/2023 21:48

Every culture has its own norms surrounding wedding gifts. In the UK, it is basic etiquette to bring a card and gift to a wedding, even if it is just a token (a pair of egg cups for £8, or a photo frame for £10, or a soap dish for £5, or a candle, or a £10 gift card..). We all know this. It's not in the slightest about being materialistic, it's just about knowing basic, basic etiquette.

Show quote history

There's a difference between knowing and relaying basic etiquette, and understanding when etiquette slips it is ok. It is very materialistic to expect someone to take a gift when they are struggling with money, or not bother going. We know better than "tradition" nowadays, and to use that as an excuse to shelter under is questionable. Just tell us you value one's money more than their presence and move on

CobraChicken · 29/08/2023 07:00

I think £20, if that's all you can afford, is totally fine, but I'm of the generation where it was drummed into me to make sure that your gift covered the cost of your meal, at minimum.

But I'm also someone who would hate it if someone didn't attend any event of mine because they felt a certain value gift was expected!

If they're close friends or family, I would probably add a note in their card to explain that you wish you could give them more, but it's just not possible at the moment.

That may be totally cringe and unnecessary, but that's what I'd do...

bladebladebla1 · 29/08/2023 07:08

YourNameGoesHere · 28/08/2023 20:00

Honestly no it's not ok to not take a gift. If you couldn't afford to attend then the polite thing is to decline not buy a new dress, pay for a room and then scrimp on a gift.

Why isn't it? Two couples didn't get us a gift for our wedding, we did notice only because we were doing thank you cards so marked next to the list of attendees. Only a grabby idiot would care. Nice people don't get married for gifts ffs

MariaVT65 · 29/08/2023 07:11

Just to reiterate OP that £20 is absolutely fine :) Some people didn’t give us anything except a card and we were fine with that. The only person who didn’t turn up with anything at all was my mother lol.

I also have to say I’ve never heard of this custom where your gift covers the cost of the meal. Realistically how would you know how much they’ve spent on food?

yikesanotherbooboo · 29/08/2023 07:14

£20.00 is fine for a gift. The B&G want your presence not your gift. Guests should not be stretching themselves financially and assuming threads of bridesmaids having to pay for themselves are an aberration I am sure that you friends and family would not expect you to.

mrshenny · 29/08/2023 07:36

We said no gifts on our invite. Some people listened to that and didn't gift anything. Some brought random bits, some brought wine and the majority gave us money. If I invited you to my wedding that's because I want you there, that memory with you is priceless and irreplaceable so I'd be devastated if someone declined because they couldn't afford a gift and for that reason I have to disagree with some of the above replies. If you are worried buy them a candle or something small, if they care about you they are not going to mind what they get. Perhaps some kind of food basket with treats in would be cheap to put together?

Enjoy the wedding!!

Isthisreasonable · 29/08/2023 07:57

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 21:17

I think my mistake was saying yes to a room. They made it sound like it was important to them we were all in the same hotel though.

I've fallen for that one too. B&G pushed really hard for everyone to stay at the venue. You had to book through them so asked for the cheapest room they had listed, only to be told I had been upgraded as I was "so important to us". I think that actually the cheapest rooms were in such demand that non-negotiable upgrades (venue some distance from other hotels) were being given to ensure that they covered the cost of the venue.

The cheapest gifts on their "pay for our honeymoon" wedding list went very quickly too so the extra £100 quid I had to spend on the room meant they got a picture frame. These days, faced with the same situation I would tell the B&G to let someone else have the "upgrade" and send a gift rather than attend the wedding. Some people are far more concerned about the paying for the best wedding/honeymoon than having a celebration with their friends.

Parker231 · 29/08/2023 07:59

user1471464218 · 28/08/2023 19:53

IMO no it's not ok to go without a gift and tbh I don't think £20 is enough, but I know that's a different story. I'm in NI and I know NI/ Ireland weddings are extra compared to GB but no gift or £20 still seems low.

Of course a £20 gift is enough. Do you think the OP should not go because of her budget?

As a friend or relative of the bride and groom, they aren’t going to judge her on the value of her gift.

Parker231 · 29/08/2023 08:03

Mystro202 · 29/08/2023 03:33

100% this!! You should at least cover the cost of your meal. I'm in Ireland though and people are extremely generous, probably overly so.

Show quote history

You’re a guest - it’s not a pay to attend event. Thankfully many of the wedding we’ve been invited to recently ask for no gifts but if you want to, give a donation to their chosen charity. Any charity would appreciate a £20 donation.

caringcarer · 29/08/2023 08:35

Get them a nice card and bottle of champagne and in card put gift to follow next month in it.

Rosehiptea · 29/08/2023 10:58

Blondebutnotlegally · 29/08/2023 06:41

There's a difference between knowing and relaying basic etiquette, and understanding when etiquette slips it is ok. It is very materialistic to expect someone to take a gift when they are struggling with money, or not bother going. We know better than "tradition" nowadays, and to use that as an excuse to shelter under is questionable. Just tell us you value one's money more than their presence and move on

Show quote history

But it's not about the money or gift itself. It's just about being polite, decent and showing that you want to bless the newlyweds in some way. I'm not denying that there are some people for whom £3 on a token gift wouldn't be a huge struggle, and if it means that they would actually go without food or get into debt, then obviously you wouldn't want your friend to do that! For someone in those circumstances, I'm sure the bride/groom would rather you just explain why you can't afford to bring a gift. But for the majority, a few pounds on a token gift and a 50p card from Home Bargains is an affordable and easy way of thanking them for inviting you to the event, and wishing them well.
I actually find it really depressing that my generation is so egoistic and indecent that they think it's ok to turn up to a close friend's wedding without some acknowledgement of the occasion on their part. It's basically like saying "they're lucky I even deigned to come! I'm going to enjoy their hospitality and not even do anything to wish them well in their married life. It's all on them. The fact that I even made arrangements to come here is more than they should expect".

But it seems we're just a generation of narcissists now.

hamsterchump · 29/08/2023 11:36

Rosehiptea · 29/08/2023 10:58

But it's not about the money or gift itself. It's just about being polite, decent and showing that you want to bless the newlyweds in some way. I'm not denying that there are some people for whom £3 on a token gift wouldn't be a huge struggle, and if it means that they would actually go without food or get into debt, then obviously you wouldn't want your friend to do that! For someone in those circumstances, I'm sure the bride/groom would rather you just explain why you can't afford to bring a gift. But for the majority, a few pounds on a token gift and a 50p card from Home Bargains is an affordable and easy way of thanking them for inviting you to the event, and wishing them well.
I actually find it really depressing that my generation is so egoistic and indecent that they think it's ok to turn up to a close friend's wedding without some acknowledgement of the occasion on their part. It's basically like saying "they're lucky I even deigned to come! I'm going to enjoy their hospitality and not even do anything to wish them well in their married life. It's all on them. The fact that I even made arrangements to come here is more than they should expect".

But it seems we're just a generation of narcissists now.

Show quote history

If a few pounds on a gift is fine then OP's £20 is more than enough then isn't it?

OP don't waste your money on wedding themed or personalised tat or photo frames, I would either give the £20 as is in the card (or as Euros if you know where they're going) or a consumable like Champagne or chocolates and then forget about it There is absolutely no need to follow your gift with another gift. Any friend who would be offended at that and hold it against you is a friend you'd be far better off without.

Stratocumulus · 29/08/2023 11:38

I always take a gift but within budget and the bride has had a list to work from.
I’ve given rose bushes & woks in the past! Not expensive.

I would never attend any gathering/dinner or supper party without a hostess gift (let alone a wedding.)
Just a bunch of supermarket flowers or a luxury packet of biscuits. Home made cake etc. for the hostess is always appreciated & my friends do the same with me.

fettuccini · 29/08/2023 11:45

If you can't afford a gift you can't afford a gift. I'd stick your £20 in a card and be done with it. Some guests didn't give us wedding gifts. To be honest I didn't even notice, I was just happy to see everyone enjoying themselves and being happy for us. I've also been to weddings where I've spent several £100's on attending/accommodation/travel and have not be able to afford a gift on top. I'm still friends with these people.

You won't always find useful help on MN, the majority of posters here have never had to struggle with money in their lives and genuinely have no concept of living hand to mouth.

LadyShrek2k19 · 29/08/2023 11:53

I went to a wedding 10+ years ago, and made 12 little envelopes (one per month of their first year of marriage) and in each was a different date night idea.
For some, I'd included an "extra" present - eg a cinema voucher for the movie night, or a book of cocktail recipes for cocktail night - but for the most part, it was ideas rather than monetary things.

Ten years on, it still gets referenced as one of the most memorable / thoughtful gifts they got.

A guest at my wedding asked what they could get as a gift and I jokingly said "a pie and a fiver. Or just come along, I'm not fussed about gifts". He turned up with a homemade pie and a fiver - pretty much the only gift I remember 14 years on!

WetsuitRevolutionary · 29/08/2023 12:00

I think someone has already suggested it but how about a personalised Christmas bauble? £12.60 with free p&p

Blondebutnotlegally · 29/08/2023 14:38

Rosehiptea · 29/08/2023 10:58

But it's not about the money or gift itself. It's just about being polite, decent and showing that you want to bless the newlyweds in some way. I'm not denying that there are some people for whom £3 on a token gift wouldn't be a huge struggle, and if it means that they would actually go without food or get into debt, then obviously you wouldn't want your friend to do that! For someone in those circumstances, I'm sure the bride/groom would rather you just explain why you can't afford to bring a gift. But for the majority, a few pounds on a token gift and a 50p card from Home Bargains is an affordable and easy way of thanking them for inviting you to the event, and wishing them well.
I actually find it really depressing that my generation is so egoistic and indecent that they think it's ok to turn up to a close friend's wedding without some acknowledgement of the occasion on their part. It's basically like saying "they're lucky I even deigned to come! I'm going to enjoy their hospitality and not even do anything to wish them well in their married life. It's all on them. The fact that I even made arrangements to come here is more than they should expect".

But it seems we're just a generation of narcissists now.

Show quote history

Haha - your generation is egotistic for turning up to celebrate a special occasion without having spent money on them? Oh the irony. I find it depressing that these "traditions" were created in the first place. It takes more effort to show up to a wedding then it does to get a card. Calling others narcissists with that attitude is genuinely incredible. The fact you can't see how much of an oxymoron your comment is....

FiddleLeaf · 29/08/2023 14:53

I actually find it really depressing that any generation is so egoistic and indecent that they expect a gift as well as attendance (that’s costly) to celebrate their happy day.

But that’s just me 😶

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/08/2023 17:37

FiddleLeaf · 29/08/2023 14:53

I actually find it really depressing that any generation is so egoistic and indecent that they expect a gift as well as attendance (that’s costly) to celebrate their happy day.

But that’s just me 😶

Agree. Especially given all the ancillary parties and doings they now expect at everyone else's expense.

All for the marriage of people who likely already live / have children together. Big deal. 🙄🙄

Rosehiptea · 29/08/2023 18:29

hamsterchump · 29/08/2023 11:36

If a few pounds on a gift is fine then OP's £20 is more than enough then isn't it?

OP don't waste your money on wedding themed or personalised tat or photo frames, I would either give the £20 as is in the card (or as Euros if you know where they're going) or a consumable like Champagne or chocolates and then forget about it There is absolutely no need to follow your gift with another gift. Any friend who would be offended at that and hold it against you is a friend you'd be far better off without.

Show quote history

Yes, £20 is way more than enough!

morag1234 · 29/08/2023 19:17

I don't know why people are being such dicks on here.

I think £20 is absolutely fine. Not everyone has a load of money to cough up at a wedding.

Personally, I would be extremely grateful if someone gave me £20 in a card on my wedding day. I'm sure they would rather you attend and not spend money you can't afford.

I will never understand why people are so horrible on here.

Original poster
moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 21:23

herbygarden · 28/08/2023 22:13

My usual go to wedding gift is a nice picture frame with money inside, usually £50, but why not £20 and a (cheap but nice maybe TK Maxx?!) frame. Wrap it up beautifully, tissue, ribbon etc with a nice card? If you have nectar points you could spend some on eBay or Argos for a picture frame?! Don't feel bad please, I think going with a small gift is perfect! They want you to be there and a token of your being there is enough Xxx

Great idea! I'll do this but with euros.

OP posts: