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Original poster

Is it ok to not get a gift?

189 replies

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 19:46

I'm going to a fancy wedding as a guest. I've had to buy a new dress and shoes. I live a distance away so I have to stay over night and the hotel rooms are so pricey! Is it ok if I don't get them a gift? I could probably afford £20 but it would seem more like I'm taking the mick?

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 28/08/2023 20:13

A friend of mine said she couldn't come to our wedding but gifted me a night in a hotel with a meal. I'd have rather she came. Don't get me wrong the gift was amazing but her presence would have been nicer

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 28/08/2023 20:15

And we didn't ask or expect any gifts. We did look so we could thank people but I wouldn't have minded. That friend I haven't seen since though and she did throw a lot of money at me

Onceuponaheartache · 28/08/2023 20:17

TolkiensFallow · 28/08/2023 20:02

Do the couple want/expect gifts? I appreciate I might be the exception to the rule, but I was clear I did not want gifts at my wedding. I genuinely just wanted to have a nice time with people I love to celebrate getting married.

I did get a few trinkets, a bottle of champagne and a few vouchers, mainly from colleagues/family friends who weren’t invited and were just being kind. My favourite was a personalised Mr and Mrs xxx bauble with the date of our wedding on from someone who didn’t attend - probably cost less than a tenner but has pride of place on the Xmas tree every year.

Its worth checking.

We get married next year and have made it expressly clear that we do not want gifts beyond the gift of sharing the best day of our lives with the people who mean the most to us.

There will be some older guests who will think as many on here have done, that it is rude to not give a gift so we have said if people truly feel the need to gift then please donate to a given charity in our names.

onlyfoolsanddonkeys · 28/08/2023 20:23

I have been to about 30 weddings, first and second ones. It gets expensive so my rule is if I have to travel and pay for a hotel, which I normally do, then no gift. I have also been to two weddings abroad plus hen nights/week ends. If I ever got married, I would say no to gifts or just let people decide.

Original poster
moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:24

Somaliwildass · 28/08/2023 19:52

They're really for your benefit, not the couple

Show quote history

Yes but it is a fancy do and they've given a dress code so I can't go in my jeans or joggers and trainers.

OP posts:
Original poster
moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:25

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2023 19:52

Traditionally, you have up to a year to send a wedding gift, so you could save up for a few months and then send something. I had this experience when my husband and I got married and I thought it was a lovely surprise treat and very generous of the giver to have thought of us.

Oh!! Is that a thing! Oh I might do that then thank you so so much!

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 28/08/2023 20:25

Inbound get them a present. Get then a buce photo frame so they can put in a wedding picture. They can range from £2 to 100s so it's a decent gift

Original poster
moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:26

user76541055773 · 28/08/2023 19:55

Did you really not have anything you could have worn though? I appreciate that might be the case, and what you bought might have been £10 from Vinted. In which case of course it’s fine, but if you splashed out eg £200+ on new clothes then you could instead have put more towards the gift.

Show quote history

£40 on a dress off ebay and some new shoes but off vented- £10

OP posts:
Original poster
moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:26

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:26

£40 on a dress off ebay and some new shoes but off vented- £10

Show quote history

Vinted

OP posts:
Original poster
moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:28

Oh and they want contributions to their wedding. I like the give them the cash in 2 months idea. I could change it into euros?

OP posts:
sadaboutmycat · 28/08/2023 20:30

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/08/2023 20:03

Buy a bottle of wine at least- but it will look awful. If you couldn’t afford to attend then you shouldn’t.

You'd rather your friends didn't come to your wedding if they couldn't afford a gift over £20?
Really?

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 28/08/2023 20:30

As a bride, l would rather have a friend be at the wedding than feel they couldn't come because of money. In fact ine friend was straight with me and said as we got married a way away from home, she couldn't afford a gift too and l was fine with that

modgepodge · 28/08/2023 20:31

I have always taken a gift to a wedding but am fortunate enough that it hasn’t put me in to financial hardship to do so. I don’t think everyone who came to our wedding brought a gift - in fact I know the best man and one of the ushers didn’t. I just assumed they had no cash spare and that’s fine. They’d had expenses travelling and attending the stag do and so on. I (and especially my husband!) would have been gutted if they’d said they couldn’t come because they couldn’t afford a gift!!

Go OP, and just take a bottle of wine/champagne depending on budget. Plenty of people did that for us and I thought it was fine.

Original poster
moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:31

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:28

Oh and they want contributions to their wedding. I like the give them the cash in 2 months idea. I could change it into euros?

Honeymoon even. Sorry I'm tired.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2023 20:32

user1471464218 · 28/08/2023 19:53

IMO no it's not ok to go without a gift and tbh I don't think £20 is enough, but I know that's a different story. I'm in NI and I know NI/ Ireland weddings are extra compared to GB but no gift or £20 still seems low.

So you'd seriously prefer people to not come and celebrate with you if they couldn't afford a gift after paying to travel to your wedding and stay over?

bluegreenandcoral · 28/08/2023 20:34

I think just a card is fine, personally. I didn’t expect gifts at my wedding.

Or if you want to buy something then just spend the £20 on a bottle of champagne or a nice photo frame. That’s more than enough in my view.

Feeling slightly embarrassed now though at how many wedding guest outfits I have. I probably have enough outfits to attend eight different weddings with no repeats…I think I buy too many clothes!

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2023 20:34

Somaliwildass · 28/08/2023 19:52

They're really for your benefit, not the couple

Show quote history

So you'd rather your friend sat through your fancy wedding in some old clothes feeling self conscious and standing out in all the photos so long as you get a present?

Bobbybobbins · 28/08/2023 20:35

I would take a bottle of wine rather than the cash.

ButterCrackers · 28/08/2023 20:36

Absolutely fine not to get a gift. Write them a card instead. Any good friends would understand.

Original poster
moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:36

Ok so some wine and then follow up with cash in a couple of months and hope they don't write their thank you cards before then!

OP posts:
eastiseastwestiswest · 28/08/2023 20:37

You have to take a gift and a card sorry. If you can't afford it this month then give a card with a note to say "present to follow!" And then send something next month. If you want to just take something small then give them a bottle of champagne with a pair of Vintage champagne glasses from the charity shop in a nice bag.

As others have said though- I'm surprised you literally had nothing to wear. And if you genuinely had nothing to wear and had to buy a new outfit then I hope it was from Vinted?!

wafflingworrier · 28/08/2023 20:38

£20 is regularly the amount we have left after expenses for a wedding.
For a gift, I normally buy a second hand shop cushion (£5), ask the couple what their favourite colours are and sew them a cushion cover for it using nice material out of clothes/scarves from a charity shop in those colours (approx. £15) and old clothes from my family.
I always embroider the date of their wedding and their initials, and depending on time some other details eg their wedding flowers/their dog/a symbol of where they got married.
I figure, if they hate the cushion they can just throw it. Most people love them.

wafflingworrier · 28/08/2023 20:41

You could also write them an IOU, eg if they have kids give them babysitting tokens from you/dog walking/vouchers to come and clean their house/bake them a cake.
Presents dont have to be expensive to be meaningful, and if you write in the card you can't give money but put in the voucher/IOU I think that would be lovely.

Findyourneutralspace · 28/08/2023 20:42

A friend of mine gave us euros, with a note in the card saying - enjoy a drink or an ice cream on us. It was perfect and thoughtful.**

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2023 20:42

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/08/2023 20:03

Buy a bottle of wine at least- but it will look awful. If you couldn’t afford to attend then you shouldn’t.

It won't look anything tho, plenty of people put cash in a card so as long as op buys a card, no one will know except the bride and groom. And they'll have so much to open that if they want to sulk because one person didn't put money in their card, frankly they deserve to be miserable