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Original poster

Is it ok to not get a gift?

189 replies

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 19:46

I'm going to a fancy wedding as a guest. I've had to buy a new dress and shoes. I live a distance away so I have to stay over night and the hotel rooms are so pricey! Is it ok if I don't get them a gift? I could probably afford £20 but it would seem more like I'm taking the mick?

OP posts:
Newuser75 · 28/08/2023 22:07

I can't say I'm not a little bemused by lots of these replies.

I would have thought £20 was a perfectly good amount for a present. If not cash then a nice photo frame, gift voucher, a plant if they have a garden.

I also wouldn't have anything suitable to wear to a wedding so I understand you would need to buy clothes.

Go to the wedding, wear your new clothes and shoes. Stick £20 in a card and have the most amazing time!

TedMullins · 28/08/2023 22:07

nameitagain · 28/08/2023 22:04

It's not really the host's responsibility to dress you. You can't take what you spend on yourself out of whatever you would have spent on them. That's weird. Your clothes are your responsibility.

What a weird response. No, it isn’t the host’s responsibility…so OP took responsibility by buying a second hand outfit. Not everyone has wedding-ready clothes just hanging in the wardrobe, I know I don’t! Also if the hosts expect people to spend hundreds attending their wedding paying for rooms in a hotel etc they’re taking the piss to expect a gift as well.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2023 22:10

Ohyousillybilly · 28/08/2023 21:04

The £50 you spent on your outfit could have gone towards a gift. Are you really saying that you had nothing suitable to wear to a wedding at all? Presumably you've had the invitation for a few months so could have saved towards a gift earlier. It's really bad form to attend a wedding or any function without a gift for the host.

A £50 gift coin from Liberty's department store would look amazing, they can spend it or choose to keep it as a memento.
https://www.libertylondon.com/uk/%C2%A350-liberty-gift-coin-230856.html

I would be so confused if someone spent nearly £60 on a coin for my wedding present. Like, no.

Rosehiptea · 28/08/2023 22:10

I'm 10000% sure it's not about how much you spend on the gift. It's just about the gesture. Honestly, something for a few pounds would be fine. Or just stick a tenner in a card. Please don't impoverish yourself!

kitsuneghost · 28/08/2023 22:12

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2023 22:03

So you'd have turned up looking a state and stuck out like a sore thumb, and think this is better than a small token gift and a card?

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Since when did reusing a dress you own equate to looking a state!!!
Do you wear something new every time you go out or do you usually look a state?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2023 22:13

TooBigForMyBoots · 28/08/2023 21:05

Never heard of anyone being accused of ruining a wedding by wearing an old dress. Does it happen often in your circle?

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No but this is MN where people would prefer people to miss their wedding than turn up without a present so yes, I can quite imagine the pasting op would get for not dressing appropriately and instead wasting money on a £50 liberty coin instead of getting a dress off eBay or Vinted

herbygarden · 28/08/2023 22:13

My usual go to wedding gift is a nice picture frame with money inside, usually £50, but why not £20 and a (cheap but nice maybe TK Maxx?!) frame. Wrap it up beautifully, tissue, ribbon etc with a nice card? If you have nectar points you could spend some on eBay or Argos for a picture frame?! Don't feel bad please, I think going with a small gift is perfect! They want you to be there and a token of your being there is enough Xxx

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2023 22:14

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:28

Oh and they want contributions to their wedding. I like the give them the cash in 2 months idea. I could change it into euros?

Oh have they sent the money poem?

PepeParapluie · 28/08/2023 22:20

I agree with those saying to take something, even if it’s not cash and/or is a token rather than something very costly. We said no gifts necessary but that if people wanted to get something, honeymoon contributions would be appreciated as we’d been living together many years and so had all the house stuff that people traditionally would get. Lots of people chose to get us other bits - we had champagne flutes, a house plant, photo frames, mr & Mrs cups, hand made things such as an embroidery and even a snow globe and we were enormously grateful and very overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness people showed. I suspect they’ve asked for money because there’s nothing they need or would put on a registry type thing, but I absolutely do not think that means you have to give them money or you’ll be judged somehow, I’m sure you wouldn’t be at all! I’m sure some of our gifts were less than £20, but it was absolutely the thought that counted.

ETA - I mentioned £20 because OP did, not because I think that’s some kind of minimum!

Gymmum82 · 28/08/2023 22:26

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2023 22:03

So you'd have turned up looking a state and stuck out like a sore thumb, and think this is better than a small token gift and a card?

Show quote history

No like I said I wouldn’t have gone. However I’ve got dresses suitable for weddings that I’ve kept for prescisely that. Many are over 20 years old but I keep them because I know the cost of a wedding outfit is expensive

Ohyousillybilly · 28/08/2023 22:35

That liberty coin is instead of a paper gift voucher, it looks a bit more flashy especially because the op said it was a posh wedding.

Edthehorse · 28/08/2023 22:37

If they have asked for money towards a honeymoon fund then just give them the £20 Not sure why that is even a question tbh

Please don't buy them a (mumsnet staple wedding gift) photo frame, give them amazon vouchers or some seeds 🙄

£20 towards something they actually want is much better than something they don't want/will never use/homemade tat

OnTheBoardwalk · 28/08/2023 22:42

Absolutely agree dont buy them random gifts like wine and some seeds unless you are Jack and want to give them a beanstalk

£20, a fiver or nothing in a card is absolutely fine. They want you at their wedding and feeling comfortable

laladoodoo · 28/08/2023 22:44

It's not ok - no. If you can't afford to go with a gift, you should have rejected the invite.

laladoodoo · 28/08/2023 22:46

I think culturally we are all so different - in Northern Ireland or Southern Ireland this is such a no no.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 28/08/2023 23:00

Bloody depressing that there are people who would rather their friends or family didn't attend their wedding than attend with no gift.

Would you rather people not eat for a week so they can buy a wedding gift? Maybe not pay their bills? Or just go overdrawn or into debt?

Or maybe just disappear as obviously having poor people at a wedding is just a massive no no 🙄

Grim attitude.

Edthehorse · 28/08/2023 23:09

Bloody depressing that there are people who would rather their friends or family didn't attend their wedding than attend with no gift.

Has anyone actually said that though?

Twotooto · 28/08/2023 23:11

Perfect28 · 28/08/2023 20:02

@YourNameGoesHere are you joking? I want my friends at my wedding, not to receive gifts. What is wrong with people

Completely agree, I would hate it if someone declined an invitation to my wedding because they couldn’t afford a gift. Particularly if they were spending money to travel to my wedding.

Twotooto · 28/08/2023 23:13

laladoodoo · 28/08/2023 22:46

I think culturally we are all so different - in Northern Ireland or Southern Ireland this is such a no no.

I got married in NI and literally couldn’t care less, I am Scottish though.

forgivingfiggy · 28/08/2023 23:17

I would try to eek it out to £30 and buy the best bottle of champagne you can find - often they are on offer in some supermarket or other.

Strawberryshitcake · 28/08/2023 23:24

I really don’t think you need to give them a present op. Most people are nice and not grabby like certain posters here. If you really feel the need to give something, what about a disposable camera or a lonely planet/ time out guide for their honeymoon destination?

OnTheBoardwalk · 28/08/2023 23:25

@Edthehorse 'has anyone said that though' yes loads of posters say they shouldn’t accept the invite if they can’t give a gift, loads of them

user76541055773 · 28/08/2023 23:31

Callmesleepy · 28/08/2023 21:43

I think this is really tricky. We've been to a wedding recently where we only took a token gift but we said to them before that we couldn't afford loads as the stag do and being in the wedding were costing upwards of a grand and I was on maternity leave. It didn't feel comfortable though!

Anyway you're not alone and I think the people saying bring a gift probably were mostly young going to weddings when they were cheaper to attend so didn't have the expensive attendance/low disposable income combo. It feels like something has to give if couples want anyone to be able to attend.

Yes I think this is true. I got married 18 years ago, and at that time it was the bride and groom that covered the guests costs (probably differs regionally too). We paid for guests accommodation, meals and all drinks at the wedding, transportation on the day of the wedding etc. In fact we only really finished paying it all off a couple of years ago.

It was pretty much regarded as a “rule of thumb” that as a guest you provided a gift that was about the same value as the costs that had been covered on your behalf. It would have been seen as bad manners to cost your hosts so much without showing some token of appreciation.

I guess now it is the other way around though, and guests are expected to pay huge amounts just to attend, so of course they shouldn’t also fork out for a gift.

I guess it evens out in the end. You either pay £20k (or whatever) to cover the costs of your guests, or you pay £1k each time you attend as a guest, for 20 different weddings.

SparkyBlue · 28/08/2023 23:33

Yes you do need to give a present but it absolutely doesn't need to be given on the day so just give it in a few weeks/months down the line. Please don't give a photo frame or some of the things suggested that will only end up unused. And take no notice of those who say you shouldn't have bought a new outfit. I hope you look great and have a lovely day.
Im actually giggling at the pot plant suggestion as im in Ireland so normally at least €150 cash as a gift

continentallentil · 28/08/2023 23:36

Bloody bell - of course it’s ok not to take a present if you can’t afford it.

They are asking you because they want you there, not because you’ll provide a set of wine glasses. Everyone knows attending weddings costs a fortune.

If you have 20 quid then that’s your budget. Get them a salad servers, or photo frames or a lemon squeezer. If they have a list get it from that, that way they’ll just put all the money out against the list at the end and prioritise what they want.